Where does all the money go from the Band Aid song? When you’re someone’s house guest, how long before you can have a wank? And what’s a penguin doing in a nativity scene? The answers to all these mysteries are in Answer Me This! Episode 357, as well as:
For the section about nativity scenes, listen to episode 329 to remind yourself of the shitting log tradition. And in episode 80, we talk more about the three wise men and the gifts they bring that no baby would want. This episode is usually only available from the answermethisstore.com, but RIGHT NOW for the next couple of weeks, it’s free on our feed as the current retro AMT! Subscribe to get it!
If you missed the retro episode, all of our back catalogue is available to buy from the AMT store, as are our special albums. If you’re not popping open the AMT Christmas album at least once this month, then you’re fucking up your December. Just get it. It’s holly jolly good. (And contains not just Christmas: there are also sections about Kwanzaa, Norse deities, reindeer nasal mucus, and ruined relationships.)
Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – concerns The One* That Got Away**
* bit of film merch
** from Olly.
Thanks to today’s sponsors: first direct, whose online banking services you can find at firstdirect.com; and those stalwarts of podcast support Squarespace. Have a go during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Jelly in your pipes,
Jelly in your pipes,
Wibbly wobbly wibbly wobbly
Jelly in your pipes!
Seriously, people, don’t pour jelly into your pipes. It will prove a trifle problematic.
Other matters considered in Answer Me This! Episode 348:
the sorting hat spider
the Harry Potter crab
the Michael Crichtonsaurus
The Great British Bake Off/Pottery Throwdown/Jelly-Off
charcoal vs teeth
the Liberty Bell vs Big Ben (WHICH IS A BELL (and you’re a bell if you point this out, matey))
your neighbour vs kangaroos
kangaroos vs breast implants
Caesar salads
passports: i) front cover of; ii) losing at airports
and
a slightly hairy elephant.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – there’s a counter-claim as to the inventor of the Caesar salad, and Olly purloins a posh example of the dish.
Occupy your ears with our other audio projects: Olly hosts The Week Unwrapped and has returned with a new season of The Modern Mann; Helen’s Allusionist has more eponyms for your consumption; and Martin’s Song By Song currently features Helen’s brother Andy Zaltzman and his wife Miranda, making her podcasting debut.
You can also hear all the AMT special albums and episodes 1-200 if you shop at answermethisstore.com. Don’t forget: to receive one retro episode every month in your feed, subscribe to AMT on your podcatcher of choice!
Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘.
With Olly’s baby poised to make his entrance into this world, Answer Me This! Episode 331 is our last episode before our three-month paternity leave, while Olly adjusts to fatherhood and Helen adjusts to going outside occasionally. Savour answers about:
lads’ mags
cereal toys
spotting the stars of tomorrow as they toil at the Disney parks
‘For He’s as dead as a herring a Jolly Good Fellow’
swimming rabbits
cafes vs brasseries vs bistros
Jane Eyre vs Thelma and Louise
The Lord of the Rings road trips
Jo Guest Tutti Frutti in 3D
ceramic babies
blue rinses
Bulgarian food
Skyrim
Kevin Costner
and
Titcoin.
A question from AMT Love went astray and ended up as today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows devices). It’s from long-time AMT listener Ace: if you’re young, poor and in Oxford, and you want to go on a Tinder date but you don’t want it to be “Drink?” or “Coffee?”, what do you do instead? Why, you date AMT-style of course! Meet you by the singing cockroaches.
During our three months off, why not amuse yourself by starting a podcast/online store/website using today’s sponsor Squarespace.com? You can have 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, plus a free domain thrown in, if you invoke the code ANSWER at checkout.
We will return in May, but keep in touch in the meantime at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis – which is where we will let you know the due date of AMT332 a couple of weeks ahead of time, AND where we will also post news of Baby Mann once he appears (and has been through hair and makeup, had a spray tan, and undergone intensive media training).
All together now: “For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good herring…WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY.”
Helen & Olly
••• AMT331 Child-Friendly Rating: 42%
Some swears, but pretty clean until the last ten minutes, when there’s a question about lads’ mags and top shelf publications. YOU KNOW THE ONES WE MEAN. The ones your kids are too short to reach/don’t need to reach because they can view all the proclivities of humanity on your phone that they swiped from you. •••
In Answer Me This! Episode 329, one questioneer wrestles with the ethics of breeding Christmas-truther children who ruin everything for the other kiddos; another introduces us to the Catalan Christmas tradition we now desperately need to appropriate. Listen to find out about those, and also these:
Plus: Olly rode the carousel we all dream of riding; at primary school, Helen reined in her Junior Richard Dawkins; and Martin the Sound Man manages to ruin Oral-B for everyone, thanks Martin.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App, the talk of free coffee fraud turns to a far graver offence: Toys R Us fraud. To hear, fire up the app on your iThings, Android and Windows devices.
Thanks very much to today’s sponsor Squarespace.com, who’ll give you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you invoke the code ANSWER.
Thanks also to everyone who has supported the show by buying the Answer Me This! Christmas album. If you haven’t yet, this is really the time of year to do so. April, not so much. It’s available at answermethisstore.com, as well as some of the online retail behemoths – links and further details of the contents are available at answermethispodcast.com/christmas.
We’ll return with the Best of AMT 2015 on 24th December 2015.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT329 Child-Friendly Rating: 5%. Some swears; some bawdy references; and the greatest peril of all: THE ADMINISTRATIVE PROCESS OF CHRISTMAS GIFTS IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN AND WE THINK YOU DO. So, beware! Also, Olly encourages your children to break the airport rules, which will probably get them tasered. •••
Today’s questioneers face ruin: browser history ruining a surprise; other people ruining the choice of baby names; and ruining your own chances of shagging a houseguest. Don’t ruin your own life by failing to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 325, in which we also discuss:
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – we reveal the moral cesspit at the heart of that classic Martin Clunes film Staggered.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (get it for iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets) there’s a little more about the history of Gotham. We think we’ve triangulated where Catwoman is pursuing her postgrad education.
Overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Missy Elliott*, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 307:
*Not really. She refuses to respond to our postcards.
On today’s question-answering slate:
female strippers
male strippers
drupes
Grumpy Cat beckoning cats Cats Lil Bub: the Chris Martin of cats
Ben Lashes
fast food delivery
wedding diplomacy
Happy Meal toys
Ronald McDonald vs Carol Vorderman
human beatboxing
coconuts
and
Femidoms.
Plus: Olly’s brain or his wang can be stimulated, but never at the same time; Helen could have been the late-90s Beanie Baby trading magnate of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man exercises uncharacteristic restraint in the face of a question about beatboxing. Though he still manages to sound like he’s polishing a window with his own spit.
Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App contains further contemplation of memes and cats and the internet’s favourite/Helen’s least favourite, cat memes. Hear on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Use it use it use it!
With every fibre of our being, we yearn for your QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
3. The ‘Burnout’ episode of StartUp podcast. Gimlet Media, the guys behind StartUp, are some of the most successful in the business, with the additional advantages of funds, skills, and This American Life stamp of approval; so if even they find podcasting a real slog, the rest of us should be sobbing in a heap by now.
But we’re not! We’re still churning out podcasts! Viz:
• Have you heard AMT306yet? You haven’t? With its hymn to chicken Kiev and Ainsley Harriott? Well, you know what you need to do.
• Here’s a new(ish) episode of Pappy’s Flatshare Slamdown, featuring me and Holly Burn. I say newish: we recorded it last August late at night at the Green Man Festival, but it has only just been released, so the summer festival vibe feels very distant to me as I sit here typing with sock gloves on my hands.
• In the new episode of The Allusionist, BuzzFeed senior editor Tom Phillips what linguistic sorcery he uses to goad you into making posts go viral. And there’s a cameo from AMTpal Roman Mars complaining that we’re all using the word ‘viral’ incorrectly anyway. SO THERE.
• Remember, Martin the Sound Man makes numerous other podcasts, including Brain Train about clever things, The Global Lab about smart cities and stuff, and The Sound of the Ladies music podcast. He’s about to add a couple more shows to his roster. Wait for us to catch up, Martin!
What have you been listening to this week, you treasures?
In regards to your recent podcasts about domain names I thought you would find it interesting to hear about my husband’s experience. A few months back, he received an offer of $500 for his company’s domain name. He turned it down as it wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to reestablish a new name as he has used the same one for the last 16 years.
A few days after he turned this down, he got another offer and this time it was $5000.00. He asked which company was interested and although the broker wouldn’t tell him, he managed to do a little online sleuthing around the area code of the broker and the initials of his company’s name and it appears that a very large US gaming and casino company is involved!
He told the broker that it would take a lot more money to get him to give up the domain name and we are waiting to hear their counter offer! $$$$$$
How much should we hold out for?
You could do some research into similar cases and the amounts large companies paid for domains. Or you could think of a pleasing amount of money, then double it, then add another decimal point or two to compensate your husband’s business for the hassle it would cause to change it.
At the time of recording Answer Me This! Episode 270dicksmack.org*, the domain name bandied around in last week’s episode, was still available. But within minutes of today’s episode becoming available, it seems one enterprising listener snapped it up. If it’s any comfort, dicksmack.com is still available…
* Apologies to any listener called Dick S. Mack for any upset all this may have caused
On today’s agenda:
ostrich eggs
symmetrical balls
gorilla balls
the ‘guess the price of the scarves’ game
book blurbs
jam vs conserve
supernatural forces vs scientific forces Zara vs Liberty
Rick Stein’s signature vs George Orwell’s signature
Frankenstein’s monster’s education
celebrity community service the LingerieLegends Football League
the We’re the Millers trailer
and
zombies.
Plus: Olly’s binders full of women are very well organised; Helen insists on having a Pocket full of articles to keep her diverted during boring shopping trips; and Martin the Sound Man finally reveals what his PhD was in. Wait – he didn’t just buy it off the internet?
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) includes Olly’s impression of every Stephen King film ever. Has to be heard to be believed.
Please be so kind as to send us your QUESTIONS (unless they’re about zombies, in which case don’t): leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Oh, and if you want to buy a signed copy of the AMT book, and to support a terrific independent bookshop by doing so, ask Bookseller Crow for one.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT270 Child-Friendly Rating: 36%. F-bomb detonates within first minute of the show, followed by discussion about dicksmack.org, and the dick-related things that site could potentially contain. Several swears. Early question about testicles. Safe waters in the middle of the show, but ends with a question about a sport that is essentially fap-material.
Here’s some intportant intformation about the runt of the litter of the seven original major web domain suffices. Int’s from David:
Last week you talked about the original Internet top-level domains, and wondered who on earth would buy a .int domain.
Well, I used to work for the International Network for Bamboo and Rattan (INBAR), whose website is http://www.inbar.int. A guy there told me that only recognised intergovernmental organisations, such as INBAR or the UN, are allowed to have websites ending in .int.
So no-one can simply buy a domain ending in .int (check GoDaddy, it’s not one of the options when you try to register a new domain) — you first need to set up a globally-recognised intergovernmental organisation.
So, answer me this: how does one go about setting up an intergovernmental org?
You think if we knew how to do that, we’d be still be trifling around with podcasts? Readers! Go to the comments to tell David how he can get to play with the big guns (the big guns being the International Network for Bamboo and Rattan, of course. What could possibly be bigger?).
Trolls have been in the news a lot lately – the online tormentor kind, but not the toys that used to be so popular. Why is that? Did people finally take a clear-eyed look at those dinky little plastic haemorrhoids and realise that they disobeyed William Morris’s dictum regarding beauty/usefulness? Has there been a worldwide shortage of neon hair?
No. Find out the true reason for trolls’ recent retirement from the limelight in Answer Me This! Episode 269:
In which we also learn about:
wicker furniture
family holidays
murder houses
Ray Winstone vs. June Whitfield
indoor-outdoor space
the Lindbergh baby
the seven generic top-level domains
pianists’ page-turners Thomas Dam
and
Yoshi.
Plus: Olly gets to talk about cats, and their glands, and their necks, and their cheeks, and their adorable bums; if Helen were the subject of a Thomas Harris novel, it’d be The Silence of the Chairs; and Martin the Sound Man is indignant at the idea of a male dinosaur laying an egg through his urethra.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App features a humdinger of a tale: Olly has alphabeticised his spice rack. For reals! Hear all about it, and how Helen has organised her spice rack, on your iDevice or Android.
Also, if you want to have a holiday that is more enjoyable than questioneer Pat from Canada’s, try the AMT Holiday album – no family rows or screaming kids, just one hour of us jabbering on into your ear. What could be more paradisial and relaxing than that?
Don’t be so relaxed that you forget to send us your QUESTIONS, though. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT269 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Some swearing, one attributable to Olly channelling Ray Winstone. References to feline sexual delight. Detraction of possibly beloved-by-children Troll dolls.
PS Oh, HERE’s where all the Trolls disappeared to. (Aside from all the ones that have been hiding out here.)
Answer Me This! Podcast 