Well this is it, listeners. After 14 years and 8 months and many thousands of questions, AMT400 is the last episode of the show. Sob!! But we’re surfing out of here on a wave of your lovely, lovely messages – as well as a British Podcast Award for hanging in there for so damn long – and some excellent questions about such things as:
sky dining – no not sky diving, sky dining
the difference between shepherding and nursing
the unreasonable popularity of Fiji Water
saving Joni Mitchell’s childhood home
destroying William Shakespeare’s final home
Barbie vs Lilli
Anish Kapoor’s expensive sculpture vs Anish Kapoor’s expensive sculpture
Swiss Barbie
the real Sherlock Holmes?!
homing pigeons
and
arsenic girl.
The songs you hear were sent in by MJ Fouldes and Hannah Ventisei. Thanks so much to all of you who sent in lovely messages – and songs! – with your AMT-related emotions and memories. We could only include a tiny fraction of your affection in the episode, but know that we read/listened to everything. And maybe wept over it all a bit, too.
You’ll hear a few more of your AMT memories, plus bonus questions and answers about reheating McDonald’s cheeseburgers, the pleasantness of trans-Atlantic crossings 250 years ago, regretting the person you chose to bequeath your children to, life drawing classes, and ruined birthdays (we’re so sorry, Beth!), in today’s Bumper Bonus Bit of Crap on the App. As it’s a special occasion, you can listen to even if you don’t own the app, by downloading here or clicking on this player:
Thanks to our sponsors:
• Manscaped, a full range of grooming products for your furry parts. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code ANSWER at Manscaped.com.
• Squarespace. Want to build a website? Go to squarespace.com/answer, and get a 10% discount on your first purchase of a website or domain with the code ‘ANSWER’.
Admin time:
We won’t be taking emails or phonecalls, but this website will remain up for as long as we keep remembering to renew the domain! And episodes 201-400 will sit pretty on the free feed in the pod places. Plus all our other stuff will still be available at answermethisstore.com: episodes 1-200, our Best Of compilations from 2007-2015, and our six special albums – Home Entertainment, Love, Holiday, Sports Day, Jubilee and Christmas.
Stay subscribed, because you never know what the future holds…
Good grief! Can this really be it?? THANK YOU for sending questions and feedback, commuting/exercising/falling asleep with us, and letting us be your pod friends.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT400 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Low-bawd but several swears. Plus an ad for ball-shavers. •••
Greetings listeners, and thanks for joining us in 2021. Here’s Answer Me This Episode 393, featuring vital questions about:
spinach and ricotta pasta
Pringles-induced sweat
cocktail, performative preparation thereof
cocktail, prawn (crisps flavour)
walking the plank
glow sticks
smelling salts
and
Ronald Raven.
Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for Apple and Android – is a big one, featuring the world’s most expensive advent calendar, and the World’s Strongest Man contest.
Hear our other work:
• Helen makes The Allusionist entertainment show about language – hear the festive episodes here and the swearalong quiz here – and Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping every episode of Veronica Mars from the beginning – season 3 has begun!
• Olly hosts many podcasts, and you can find them all at ollymann.com, including The Week Unwrapped and The Modern Mann – hear the festive episodes here.
• Martin makes music – including a new EP – which you can hear palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc. You can also join him in contemplating the work of every song by Tom Waits Tom Waits in Song By Song, and he produced and composed the kids’ science podcast Maddie’s Sound Explorers, hosted by Maddie Moate.
This episode is sponsored by:
• The Great Courses Plus, the streaming library of courses on topics from yoga to mystery fiction to formal logic to dog training. AMT listeners get a free month at thegreatcoursesplus.com/answer.
• Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Send us your QUESTIONS, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com for us to answer in 2021! We’ll be back with AMT394 on 4 February, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 21 January.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT393 Child-Friendly Rating: 89%. Maybe only one swear? And pretty family-friendly content. •••
Escape from the significant problems of the world with Answer Me This! Episode 388‘s parade of ultra-low-stakes problems about such things as:
knock knock jokes
lolly stick jokes
Fab lollies vs Zoom lollies
cutting pizzas the Pooseum
lawns the house in the middle of the M62
avuncular Instagram etiquette
and
the back end of a wombat.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for Apple and Android, Olly reports on the progress of his long-awaited pickle empire. Like a jar of homemade pickles, it’s coming along slowly and steadily.
Hear our other work:
• Helen makes The Allusionist, an entertainment show about language, and Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping every episode of Veronica Mars from the beginning.
• Olly hosts many podcasts, and you can find them all at ollymann.com, including Four Thought.
• Martin makes music which you can hear palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc. You can also join him in contemplating the work of every song by Tom Waits Tom Waits in Song By Song, and he produced and composed the new kids’ science podcast Maddie’s Sound Explorers, hosted by Maddie Moate.
This episode is sponsored by:
• The Great Courses Plus, the streaming library of courses on topics from yoga to mystery fiction to formal logic to dog training. AMT listeners get a free month at thegreatcoursesplus.com/answer.
• Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Buy AMT episodes 1-200, our six special albums including the all new Home Entertainment, and our Best Of compilations from 2007-2015 at answermethisstore.com.
At last, the AMT animal nipples special! How many do bears have? How long are an opossum’s? Where do solenodons keep theirs? Did you already learn all this from David Attenborough?? If not, you will in Answer Me This! Episode 387, along with information about:
salmon vending machines
amnesia etiquette
Easy-Bake Ovens
American flapjacks
British flapjacks
Shakespearean flapjacks
blue flashing lights
how pregnancy tests work
and
the landlord’s mystery cupboard in the basement.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for Apple and Android – Olly makes his first attempts at no-bake cakes. And survives! A triumph!
Hear our other work:
• Helen makes The Allusionist, an entertainment show about language, and Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping every episode of Veronica Mars from the beginning.
• Olly hosts many podcasts, and you can find them all at ollymann.com, as well as his recent appearance on BBC Radio 4’s My Teenage Diary.
• Martin makes music which you can hear palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc. You can also join him in contemplating the work of every song by Tom Waits Tom Waits in Song By Song.
This episode is sponsored by:
• The Great Courses Plus, the streaming library of courses on topics from yoga to mystery fiction to formal logic to dog training. AMT listeners get a free month at thegreatcoursesplus.com/answer.
• Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Buy AMT episodes 1-200, our six special albums including the all new Home Entertainment, and our Best Of compilations from 2007-2015 at answermethisstore.com.
Happy new year to you, listeners! To kick off 2019, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 369, wherein we discuss:
New Year’s resolutions/failure thereof
a lovelorn lottery-winning listener
the Queen’s Christmas speeches vs AMT jingles
gilets vs hooded bush vests
butcher vs baker vs candlestick-maker
noisy toys
the Roman god Janus
Samantha Janus
mayonnaise at McDonald’s
the orangeness of basketballs
and
tweeting whilst pissing.
In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Olly will stay in a hotel that is shit as long as someone else is paying for it. (Sing it with us: “but the pool was full of dogs!“)
Check in with our other work: Helen makes the entertainment show about language The Allusionist; Olly hosts the magazine show The Modern Mann; and Martin the Sound Man examines the entire Tom Waits discography on Song By Song.
This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Since this show began 12 years and one day ago, it has been fuelled by your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Have you been collecting your own hair since your bushy-headed youth, in order to make a wig* to wear during your sparsely furred later years? If so, could you let questioneer Ryan know asap if that was a good plan or not? Find out why in Answer Me This! Episode 363, in which we also consider:
Kylie’s 50th birthday
in flight magazines
House of Commons fisticuffs
James Cameron, keeping busy the Queen a stick
razor blade disposal units
racing against your mum
the Cosmic Liquidator
cat turd sculptures
and
up in the air with Karen Gillan.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we have a question from Emma from Sweden about the false image we all carry in our minds of Mickey Mouse. Get the app to HEAR THE TRUTH!
Check in with our other work: Olly hosts The Week Unwrapped, the podcast that keeps you up to date with all the news stories that haven’t been drilling into your skull constantly. And Helen and Martin are performing the Allusionist live show on stages in Australia and New Zealand in the next few weeks; you can check where and when at theallusionist.org/events.
The Bluffers’ Guides are back! Rapidly become well-informed in subjects from jazz to management to fishing to dogs at bluffers.com.
Send us your QUESTIONS: any time, deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately. So emailing a voice memo is the safer bet.
We’ll be back with AMT364 on 5 July 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 21 June.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT363 Child-Friendly Rating: 74%. It’s not blue, but the episode does contain some parliamentary fighting, and no kid needs that in their life. •••
With a spring in your step and a scent in your nostrils and a freshly cleaned undercarriage and Answer Me This! Episode 361 in your ears, join us to consider:
Smell-O-Vision
reclaiming skipping for the adult man
museum buddies the Dalí museum
bidet chat
baby equipment the perfect baby bottle warmer
getting aboard Michael Palin
crystal prawn cocktail glasses
and
Trainy McTrainface.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we have a bonus question from prolific questioneer Lindon from Huddersfield about how to cut off the ex-housemate who’s still a parasite upon Lindon’s Spotify account.
Want to see Helen and Martin live on stage? (NB that’s ‘live’ in an adverbial sense, not a verbal sense. Although they will be alive on stage. They just don’t live on one. Why do you have to make everything so complicated?) They’ll be touring with Radiotopia in the eastern USA in May and the Allusionist in Australia in June, and you can check where and when and how at theallusionist.org/events. And hear all about Olly’s grandmother’s amazing piss-based beauty routine on The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk.
Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your projects. Visit squarespace.com/answer; play around during the two-week free trial; then when you’re ready to buy your website or domain, you can have get 10% off your first purchase with the discount code ‘answer‘.
You can also get two free Audible audiobooks if you go to answermethispodcast.com/audible. Why don’t you listen along with Olly to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s memoir? He turned TS Eliot’s poetry into a hit musical and Thomas the Tank Engine into what looks like a load of off-brand Power Rangers on roller skates – what ISN’T he capable of?
You are capable of sending us your QUESTIONS: deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately or are coming out sounding like you’ve just been eaten by a robot. So emailing a voice memo is the safer bet.
Who let the dogs out? And who got the dogs stoned? We address these very important canine questions in Answer Me This! Episode 335, along with others more about:
Lego love, lost
wedding gambling
Soda Stream vs Nutribullet
pissing dolls vs pissing Elmo
theatre-adjacent Italian restaurants
the Crystal Palace pizza district
Tony Awards for Tonys
Oscar Isaac
Oscar Hammerstein II
and
Oscar seatfillers.
Plus: Olly is DONE with Star Wars, so don’t even bother; Helen is waiting for the Emmys to introduce a podcasting category; and Martin the Sound Man could improve his gifting game.
Need something to ease you off the thrill of the Wimblesport, or hype you up for the imminent Olympics? Try the AMT Sports Day album from answermethisstore.com, where you can also purchase our other albums and episodes 1-200 – including AMTs 186 and 187 for the full Owl City experience by proxy. And remember to get your free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.
With Olly’s baby poised to make his entrance into this world, Answer Me This! Episode 331 is our last episode before our three-month paternity leave, while Olly adjusts to fatherhood and Helen adjusts to going outside occasionally. Savour answers about:
lads’ mags
cereal toys
spotting the stars of tomorrow as they toil at the Disney parks
‘For He’s as dead as a herring a Jolly Good Fellow’
swimming rabbits
cafes vs brasseries vs bistros
Jane Eyre vs Thelma and Louise
The Lord of the Rings road trips
Jo Guest Tutti Frutti in 3D
ceramic babies
blue rinses
Bulgarian food
Skyrim
Kevin Costner
and
Titcoin.
A question from AMT Love went astray and ended up as today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows devices). It’s from long-time AMT listener Ace: if you’re young, poor and in Oxford, and you want to go on a Tinder date but you don’t want it to be “Drink?” or “Coffee?”, what do you do instead? Why, you date AMT-style of course! Meet you by the singing cockroaches.
During our three months off, why not amuse yourself by starting a podcast/online store/website using today’s sponsor Squarespace.com? You can have 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, plus a free domain thrown in, if you invoke the code ANSWER at checkout.
We will return in May, but keep in touch in the meantime at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis – which is where we will let you know the due date of AMT332 a couple of weeks ahead of time, AND where we will also post news of Baby Mann once he appears (and has been through hair and makeup, had a spray tan, and undergone intensive media training).
All together now: “For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good herring…WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY.”
Helen & Olly
••• AMT331 Child-Friendly Rating: 42%
Some swears, but pretty clean until the last ten minutes, when there’s a question about lads’ mags and top shelf publications. YOU KNOW THE ONES WE MEAN. The ones your kids are too short to reach/don’t need to reach because they can view all the proclivities of humanity on your phone that they swiped from you. •••
Happy news! AMT325‘s Beckie, who was worried who was worrying about having chosen the baby name ‘Aoife’ because her family were being dicks about it? On Tuesday, the baby was born! And she has been named….Aoife! Good for you, Beckie, and welcome to the world, Aoife. All together now: aaaaaawwwwwww.
Let’s change some more lives in Answer Me This! Episode 326 shall we? Or at least deal with a range of minor to moderate problems, concerning such matters as:
Gogglebox
crying vs fart machines
sport vs Helen’s love for her family
sport vs Andrew Lloyd Webber
the haka the Crystal Palace dinosaurs
matryoshka spy dolls
Queen Victoria
and
the likely successor to The Human Centipede.
Plus: Olly has the equivalent of a shy bladder but for sneezing (which you already know is a problem for him); Helen has to choose between her family and her dislike of sport; and Martin the Sound Man’s cup of Earl Grey is full of tears.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – rugby brings the rest of Helen’s family joy, but also forces her brother Andy to tell the biggest lie of his life.
Olly’s so fecund at the moment! Birthing out babies and podcasts all over the place. You can find his new show The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk, as well as on iTunes and Pocketcasts and the various other podcast-getting places.
Helen is currently releasing new doses of The Allusionist EVERY WEEK (wilts) because Radiotopia is raising funds. Love any of the shows? Donate at radiotopia.fm! And join in her Reddit AMA at 7pm GMT today.
Finally, Martin the Sound Man’s Song By Song podcast is now embarking upon Tom Waits’s Heart of Saturday Night. Not a difficult second album, a cracking second album! (Except for the bits which sound like dinner jazz, which are sub-cracking.)
We’ll return on 12th November 2015 with AMT327.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT326 Child-Friendly Rating: 30%. No bawdy content, but there are swears all over the place. •••
Overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Missy Elliott*, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 307:
*Not really. She refuses to respond to our postcards.
On today’s question-answering slate:
female strippers
male strippers
drupes
Grumpy Cat beckoning cats Cats Lil Bub: the Chris Martin of cats
Ben Lashes
fast food delivery
wedding diplomacy
Happy Meal toys
Ronald McDonald vs Carol Vorderman
human beatboxing
coconuts
and
Femidoms.
Plus: Olly’s brain or his wang can be stimulated, but never at the same time; Helen could have been the late-90s Beanie Baby trading magnate of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man exercises uncharacteristic restraint in the face of a question about beatboxing. Though he still manages to sound like he’s polishing a window with his own spit.
Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App contains further contemplation of memes and cats and the internet’s favourite/Helen’s least favourite, cat memes. Hear on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Use it use it use it!
With every fibre of our being, we yearn for your QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Plus: for Olly, giving is better than receiving (when it comes to picture messages); Helen does not belong on wheels; and Martin the Sound Man searches for logic in cartoon characters off adverts, which is really the wrong place to look.
All we want for Christmas are your QUESTIONS, so shove them into our stockings, by which we mean leave a message on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also, forge the bounds of internet friendship at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly. Not LinkedIn, NEVER LinkedIn.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘answer’. That’s got to be better than anything you win in a cracker. (Except for the set of tiny screwdrivers or a bottle-opener shaped like an animal; both of these come in surprisingly useful. But, you know, the miniature pack of cards or tiny plastic comb or annoying puzzle made out of metal rings.)
The Best of AMT 2014 will be out next Thursday, 18th December. Return then!
Helen & Olly
••• AMT304 Child-Friendly Rating: 74%. Opens with further discussion of AMT303‘s cheese handjobs, but once the first couple of minutes are over, the rest of the episode’s topics are clean aside from two or three strong swears. •••
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Answer Me This! Podcast 