fly killing
spider killing redemption
dogs vs children
Cornwall vs Cambridgeshire
the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video vs Shakespeare
the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video vs Hungry Hungry Hippos
the Chapel of St Leger
garlic breath
tiny stolen jams
empathy for wasps
and
the Billboard Video Music Award for the Most Effective Use of Symbolism.
In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Olly pinpoints the one thing he likes about travelling alone.
Also! ‘Tis the season (or, close enough) to fire up the AMT Christmas special album, which is one hour of festive fun only available from answermethisstore.com/Apple/Amazon. While you’re there, treat yourself to some of our classic episodes, why don’t you?
For more ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ content, listen to Helen’s Allusionist episode Eclipse, which includes some beautiful TEOTH-inspired music by Martin. (Content warning: medical stuff.) The Allusionist is also on tour in North America RIGHT NOW, gig listings are at theallusionist.org/events.
Martin is releasing four albums of new music this year! Hear them at palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc.
This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.
As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. If you’ve got questions about Christmas, send them to us NOW and not on Boxing Day.
We’ll be back with AMT380 on 5 December 2019, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 20 November.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT379 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Pretty clean – couple of slight swears – but the dynamics of whatever’s happening in the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video may give you pause. •••
Wow. It took more than eleven years and 360 episodes, but it has at last happened:
Our first ever question about the Bowling for Soup.
(Who? (No, that’s not the actual question.))
Try to contain yourselves on this landmark occasion as you listen to Answer Me This! Episode 360, in which we also learn about:
astronauts’ dirty underwear
Sushidoku™
bears
the biggest ever cruise ship
sleeping in your grandpa’s old bed sploofs
skunks vs skunk
seeing a rocket launch
and
the Blockbusters Hand Jive.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Helen craves more information from behind the scenes at the Hanoi water puppet show. (Someone please tell us: how do the performers cope with the water and the boredom, HOW?)
Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your projects. Play around during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘. Is it safe? Of course it’s safe!
You can also get two free Audible audiobooks if you go to answermethispodcast.com/audible. Two free audiobooks are better than one free audiobook which is better than no free audiobooks, so get yourself free audiobooks!
Send us your QUESTIONS: deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately or are coming out sounding like you’ve just been eaten by a robot. So a voice memo is a safer bet.
We’ll be back with AMT361 on 5 April 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 22 March.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT360 Child-Friendly Rating: 71%. Not very bawdy or sweary, but does include a question about weed-smoking, and also reflections upon one’s parents’ mortality. •••
Upon the last Winter Olympics in 2014, we fair shat ourselves with surprise and delight when Lizzy Yarnold, who won gold for Team GB in the skeleton, listens to AMT! She’s competing again this time, so GOOD LUCK, Lizzy. Do it for all of us who get most of our exercise running for the ice cream van.
People of all athletic abilities, Olympian or not: get ready to race through Answer Me This! Episode 359, to learn about:
pope tropes
hotel toothpaste
chewing toothpicks
your auntie’s Facebook pic Dave Claus The Santa Dave
Defence Against the Dark Arts
Dumbledore’s aptitude for HR
the Center Parcs trees
the Center Parcs dome
the Center Parcs soft play that’s located in the bar/the Center Parcs bar that’s located in the soft play
karakia
cocktail swords
buttermilk
butterfat
and
globules.
Plus: we hear the latest in Olly’s gold pen nightmare scenario #OllyMannProblems; Martin figures out his title for when, as a Son of Santa, he inevitably takes up Santa duties; and Helen is already running down the beach to go swimming with some snazzy fish, so SEE YA.
The conversation about advance ticket-buying continues in today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – as Olly wonders whether his son, aged 2, will be too sophisticated to enjoy the Teletubbies live on the stages of Hertfordshire..
Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your business, store, restaurant, art portfolio, band, podcast, smug travel wankery, etc. Have a go during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.
You can also get two free Audible audiobooks if you go to answermethispodcast.com/audible. Two free audiobooks are better than one free audiobook which is better than no free audiobooks, so get yourself free audiobooks!
Send us your QUESTIONS: deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately or are coming out sounding like you’ve just been eaten by a robot. So a voice memo is a safer bet.
Had any good celeb-spots lately? However good yours are, there’s no way they’re as good as the celeb-spot hat trick Olly scored last week. “Who who WHO?” you wail! Find out in Answer Me This! Episode 352, along with problems regarding:
two laptops
two red barstools
two subtitle generators
sofabeds < sofas < beds
breakfast bars
Dothraki grammar Better Late Than Never Naked Attraction (NOT to be confused with Naked and Afraid) – NB both links are NSFW
hotel turndowns
electoral returning officers Answering Wankers’ ProblemsCorrespondCuntsPoints of View
and Indian cress.
For today's Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Olly takes a crap at a place of artistic significance. Perhaps his crap could be interpreted as HIGH ART. One day. Not this day, though; it’s just a crap.
Want to hear more from us? There’s the retro AMT episode we throw into your feed mid-month; to get it, subscribe to AMT on your podcatcher of choice. All of our back catalogue is available from answermethisstore.com, along with our special albums including the AMT Sports Day.
Thanks to our sponsor Squarespace.com you can build yourself a very spruce website. Play around during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.
Changes are afoot as the approaches its TENTH BIRTHDAY next month. But it’s mostly business as usual in Answer Me This! Episode 345, to whit:
Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical the Angel of the North
cheese juice
getting Discovered for a glittering showbiz career
amateur theatre vs professional theatre
Orange Marys vs Filthy Martinis
Samantha Janus Womack
Boots the Chemist
Plato’s Symposium
the platonic ideal of being a bed
and
a cat called Anus.
Plus: Olly petitions for the musical role of a lifetime, or at the very least a guest spot when Song By Song podcast does a Jim Steinman season; Helen actually read some trade publications about steel for this episode, lest her commitment to AMT be in doubt; and Martin the Sound Man doing an impression of Olly’s cat Coco will one day be Exhibit A in Helen’s murder trial.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we take a trip to Winter Wonderland. Or rather winterwonderland.com, the perfect Christmas gift for only £500,000.
The perfect Christmas gift for only £2.49 is, of course, the AMT Christmas album – find out more about its contents at answermethispodcast.com/christmas, then tell Santa to buy it for you from the AMT store, iTunes or Amazon.
Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘. What a gift!
FREE festive fun for all the family is the Argos Game: we challenge you to find a product in the Argos catalogue that is more expensive than this £32,000 20ft swim tub (but be careful not to get too sexy in it, for your teeth’s sake).
BUT ALSO please send us affectionate voicemails – or email us voice memos – for our tenth birthday episode. Deadline is New Year’s Eve, and the episode, AMT346, will appear on 4 January 2017. Join us! Without you, we are nothing! Etc!
Helen & Olly
••• AMT345 Child-Friendly Rating: 40%. F-words R Us. •••
Jules writes with some sweet advice for AMT325‘s Steve, who had inadvertently rumbled his wife’s birthday surprise for him of a trip to Krakow. We suggested that the least bad move would be for Steve to pretend he didn’t know. Jules advises:
So she doesn’t feel bad about him knowing, he should not tell her now – but he should learn basic phrases in Polish so when they arrive he can surprise her back!
“The cookies gave the location away when I saw the ad for Polish Rosetta Stone – I thought that was my birthday gift.” 😉
Then something positive can come out of him knowing in advance.
That’s nice-double-crossing on a level with a Richard Curtis film.* Have any of the rest of you transformed a rumbled surprise into a BONUS SURPRISE?
*Specifically Serena in Four Weddings and a Funeral learning sign language then getting invited to another wedding, just to woo Hugh Grant’s brother. So creepy romantic!
Today’s questioneers face ruin: browser history ruining a surprise; other people ruining the choice of baby names; and ruining your own chances of shagging a houseguest. Don’t ruin your own life by failing to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 325, in which we also discuss:
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – we reveal the moral cesspit at the heart of that classic Martin Clunes film Staggered.
MISSING PERSON ALERT! If you are the elusive J formerly of Portland – or you know him (identifying features: tattooed; can make coffee; listens to AMT) – please, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 322 to hear a J-aimed plea, as well as:
selfie stick casualties
Morris merch
Desperate Dan
Aussie Man and Van vs A Nice Man With a Van
Disney Parks vs American National Parks
spa breaks
fear of holidays
phone a friend PopMaster
stag do fun
and
hair transplants.
Plus: if Olly’s head is looking a bit red, that’s just his hair deciding to grow back; Helen will need an activity break to recover from the stress of a spa relaxation break; and Martin the Sound Man recommends a nice relaxing tour of the castles of Wales.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – Olly rejects the original Dennis the Menace for a foreign imposter.
Do not make the mistake of rejecting today’s sponsor Squarespace.com. Use the code ANSWER to get 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, which include a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support. Nowt wrong with that.
Here’s a conundrum from an anonymous man upon which, readers, I’d appreciate your input in the comments. He writes:
I went on holiday to Amsterdam last year with my now ex. I am now in a new relationship, and have booked a holiday to Amsterdam. So far it’s okay, my current girlfriend has no issues returning to the city for a ‘romantic city break’ despite knowing that the last time I went was with significant ex and (it did take me a long while to get over it blah blah).
However, Helen and Olly, answer me this: should I tell my new girlfriend that the hotel we’ve booked is the same as the one I went to with my ex?
I want to be honest, but at the same time I don’t want it to seem I am just reliving the past etc etc…
For the record, the reason for booking the same hotel is its good location, good price, good mix of guests and they do a really good breakfast…
Mm-hmm, and I’m sure it’s the ONLY hotel in Amsterdam capable of supplying those things.
You say ‘I don’t want it to seem I am just reliving the past’, so WHY ARE YOU RELIVING THE PAST? Or at the very least, rewriting it with a different woman playing the part of ‘girlfriend in Amsterdam’? There are plenty of romantic cities you could visit that you had not been to within the last year with somebody else. But you chose this one. The real question is “Why?” but I suspect you are unwilling to know that answer.
Alright, fine: your question was whether to tell your girlfriend. I don’t think you’ll need to. When she sees you trying to hug the hotel room wall and blubbering about how much you’ve missed it, she’ll probably figure it out.
Are you ready to hear who’s the winner of AMT295‘s beauty pageant in which the only entrants are the knee-to-ankle portions of Olly and Martin? You ARE? Then waste no time – listen to Answer Me This! Episode 296 (which some would argue IS wasting time. Those people can shut their damn cake-holes):
Today we discuss:
having a kip
Kendal Mint Cake The Great British Bake Off leftovers
Louis XIV
ballet vs gymnastics
Bill Callahan vs Barry Manilow
Catherine de Medici
Matthew Bourne Barnoon Cemetery Prague’s Old Jewish Cemetery A Chorus Line‘s sweaty gussets
Mary Berry’s Lemon Curd Surge
extra nipples
and
Gromit.
Plus: Olly’s not taking trip advice from Tripadvisor; Helen admits to being a philistine about ballet; and Martin the Sound Man recommends a lovely holiday touring London’s most beautiful burial grounds.
In today’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android or Windows gadgetry), we continue workshopping our Cynical Statistician Catches The Bride’s Bouquet film, with a little stop to revist Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. (Fun fact: they got married on the very same day as Helen’s brother Andy. Sadly, there’s no shitty reality show about Andy’s nuptuals.)
And finally, big thanks to this episode’s sponsors Squarespace.com, without whom website-building would be a far uglier business. For 10% off their services for a whole year, enter the code Answer.
We will return with AMT297 on 4th September, and we hope you do too.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT296 Child-Friendly Rating: 42%. Several swears. Intermission concerns waxen genitalia, but at least we use some long words in it. Saucy remarks about Mary Berry. •••
Cor, get a load of those stems, listeners! This week, the men of AMT (that’s Olly and Martin the Sound Man, in case you couldn’t work it out) show off their shapely pins – but whose pins are shapelier? Cast your vote in the comments for the left or right pair of legs. Self-esteems depend upon it. Why? Find out in Answer Me This! Episode 295:
We also find out about:
OS maps
Freshers’ Week
the price of buses
Kent vs France
psoriasis vs Parkinson’s
Helen’s dad’s genes vs Helen’s dad’s jeans
bat detectors
human meat
William Seabrook
Andy Serkis
auctioneers’ patter
mature students
existential questions at Buckler’s Hard
bereavement
corporate tangrams
and
Helen’s first teapot.
We also wonder whether Martin the Sound Man has gone completely batshit, as he tries to converse with bats, thinks jackets = character, and yet again airs his obsession with Holly Hunter. Turn off the lights and pretend you’re not home, Holly!
In today’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android or Windows gadgetry), we tackle a question from Tori about rumours about teachers that swirled around school. In our cases, most of those rumours were cleaner than the reality.
Thanks very much to our benevolent sponsers Squarespace.com for supporting both this episode and your website-building endeavours: enter the code Answer for 10% off their website-hosting, -designing and -troubleshooting services for a whole year and build, build, build!
We shall return with AMT296 on 21st August, unless this leg rivalry means Olly and Martin will no longer agree to be in the same room as each other. It’s pretty serious.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT295 Child-Friendly Rating: 86%. A couple of swears, but no lascivious content. •••
10 Downing Streetview
Macunian capers
bowling shoes
streaming Number 1 singles
band t-shirts band coffins
Marlon Brando Bastille
The Grateful Dead
port
pole vault
penile sunburn
and
loom bands.
Plus: Olly’s recipe for romance involves half a bottle of ketchup; Helen wasted the opportunity to do a funny joke for the Google Streetview car; and Martin the Sound Man does a spot on impression of Jameela Jamil. No wonder the passport inspectors barely recognise him.
In today’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android or Windows gadgetry), we consider such novelties as revolving restaurants and hotels that make your late-night toilet trip into a terrifying mission.
It’s not a terrifying mission to build a website thanks to this week’s episode sponsors Squarespace.com, because you can use their easy drag-and-drop templates to spruce up your online empire. And when you do, enter the code Answer for 10% off their services for a whole year.
If you feel like soundtracking your holiday with the AMT Holiday album, or the Commonwealth Games with the AMT Sports Day album, both are available now at answermethisstore.com, along with AMT1-170 if you’re really planning to go for it. After that AMTglut, you’ll surely still have an insatiable appetite for more, so please rejoin us on Thursday 7th August for AMT295.
Toodles!
Helen & Olly
••• AMT294 Child-Friendly Rating: 86%. No bawdy content; even a question about nude sunbathing remains innocent. There are two F-bombs, but face it, it’s hardly the first time your child has heard that profane word. •••
Answer Me This! Podcast 