Have you been collecting your own hair since your bushy-headed youth, in order to make a wig* to wear during your sparsely furred later years? If so, could you let questioneer Ryan know asap if that was a good plan or not? Find out why in Answer Me This! Episode 363, in which we also consider:
Kylie’s 50th birthday
in flight magazines
House of Commons fisticuffs
James Cameron, keeping busy the Queen a stick
razor blade disposal units
racing against your mum
the Cosmic Liquidator
cat turd sculptures
and
up in the air with Karen Gillan.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we have a question from Emma from Sweden about the false image we all carry in our minds of Mickey Mouse. Get the app to HEAR THE TRUTH!
Check in with our other work: Olly hosts The Week Unwrapped, the podcast that keeps you up to date with all the news stories that haven’t been drilling into your skull constantly. And Helen and Martin are performing the Allusionist live show on stages in Australia and New Zealand in the next few weeks; you can check where and when at theallusionist.org/events.
The Bluffers’ Guides are back! Rapidly become well-informed in subjects from jazz to management to fishing to dogs at bluffers.com.
Send us your QUESTIONS: any time, deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately. So emailing a voice memo is the safer bet.
We’ll be back with AMT364 on 5 July 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 21 June.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT363 Child-Friendly Rating: 74%. It’s not blue, but the episode does contain some parliamentary fighting, and no kid needs that in their life. •••
Jelly in your pipes,
Jelly in your pipes,
Wibbly wobbly wibbly wobbly
Jelly in your pipes!
Seriously, people, don’t pour jelly into your pipes. It will prove a trifle problematic.
Other matters considered in Answer Me This! Episode 348:
the sorting hat spider
the Harry Potter crab
the Michael Crichtonsaurus
The Great British Bake Off/Pottery Throwdown/Jelly-Off
charcoal vs teeth
the Liberty Bell vs Big Ben (WHICH IS A BELL (and you’re a bell if you point this out, matey))
your neighbour vs kangaroos
kangaroos vs breast implants
Caesar salads
passports: i) front cover of; ii) losing at airports
and
a slightly hairy elephant.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – there’s a counter-claim as to the inventor of the Caesar salad, and Olly purloins a posh example of the dish.
Occupy your ears with our other audio projects: Olly hosts The Week Unwrapped and has returned with a new season of The Modern Mann; Helen’s Allusionist has more eponyms for your consumption; and Martin’s Song By Song currently features Helen’s brother Andy Zaltzman and his wife Miranda, making her podcasting debut.
You can also hear all the AMT special albums and episodes 1-200 if you shop at answermethisstore.com. Don’t forget: to receive one retro episode every month in your feed, subscribe to AMT on your podcatcher of choice!
Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘.
Listeners, how terribly remiss of us to make it through three quarters of 2016 without marking the fact that it has been designated by the UN as the International Year of Pulses. But thankfully there’s still three months of it in which to celebrate, starting with a pulverised pea party in Answer Me This! Episode 340. We also speak of:
Plus: Olly finally unsubscribed from his ‘Paying for a gym is just as productive as attending a gym’ fitness plan; Helen advises on her specialist subject: avoiding social interaction; and Martin the Sound Man is all umami and no trousers.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available on iThings, Android and Windows devices – an anonymous questioneer has a dilemma about free wine. Well, it’s not really free. Someone always pays. Just, in this case, not him. (But possibly Martin, twice, because he is SUCH a good citizen.)
If you want to spend your wine budget on more AMT, head to answermethisstore.com to stock up on our albums and our first 200 episodes. You can also generate FREE MONEY for us and a FREE AUDIOBOOK for you at answermethispodcast.com/audible.
There are many refreshments in Answer Me This! Episode 336: tea, milk, and a drink Olly describes as ‘mashed-up urinal cake in a glass’. Mmmm! It’s the new hipster cocktail!
We also consider such topics as:
‘Roses are Red’
getting an upgrade at the airport
honeymoon bowel trouble
hush puppies
Hush Puppies
Slush Puppies this famous policeman’s helmet
flowery emoji
things to do in Peterborough
signatures
and
streaking.
Plus: Olly would like it to be known that he is not a geek (except for musical theatre and Disney); forget going naked, Helen won’t even take her cardigan off for money; and Martin the Sound Man believes in bowel karma.
Sorry for forgetting the Bonus Bit of Crap on the App for AMT335, but this one contains further contemplation of streaking and public nudity. Get the app on your iThings, Android and Windows devices.
There are links to the apps at answermethisstore.com, where you’ll also find AMTs 1-200, plus our special albums. The Answer Me This! Holiday is the (or at least a) soundtrack to your summer, and there’s also AMT Sports Day to get you pumped for the Olympics. And remember to get your free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible. By doing any or all of these things, you’re supporting the show.
Bit of leftover business from last year’s AMT – following AMT329, Phil in Pennsylvania writes:
Helen, answer me this: why didn’t you smack Olly for his idiotic suggestion that people should let their children ride baggage carousels at airports?
Maybe I did, but you couldn’t hear it on the recording…
I’m a “below the wing” worker for a major international airline, so half my job is taking bags off planes and delivering them to the carousel. Every day I see the address tags, straps, buckles, locks and strings getting pulled into the small gaps between the steel plates on those carousels. How is a child’s shoelace, or the drawcord on their hoodie, or their finger any different? I don’t believe in putting children into protective bubbles, but I also believe that parents shouldn’t act like complete morons just for a laugh.
Although, to be fair to the parental Manns, in this case it was the child Olly being a complete moron, to their consternation.
Phil also provides the inside scoop on what the baggage carousels are really for:
Your answer to the baggage carousel question left out a couple of reasons for the existence of carousels: tracking and security. At every step of the process, we use handheld scanners to read the tag on each bag, so we always know where it is. Going on the plane… scanned. Coming off the plane.. scanned. Delivered to the baggage carousel… scanned. If all the bags were just dumped into a big pile, it would be awfully hard to properly scan them.
Also, the area where we drive the baggage carts and deliver the bags to the carousel is a secure area. We pull up to the carousel, open the security doors at either side of the carousel, scan the bags and put them on the carousel. Once all the bags are unloaded, we close the security doors again. (One of my coworkers is now the subject of a police investigation because he didn’t fully close one of the doors a few nights ago. That’s a major you-can-be-sacked sort of mistake.)
Those doors are only just big enough for the bags to fit through, although a person could squeeze through if they tried. But what if the door were big enough to drive a whole cart through? Far too easy for people to wander through, far too hard to secure properly. So, the carousel’s real purpose is to deliver the bags to the passengers while keeping the passengers (and terrorists) out of the secure zone where the planes operate. And then let the airport workers sit in the back, undisturbed, so we can listen to podcasts while we wait for the next plane to arrive.
We can definitely endorse that last reason.
Also, it’s not just us being given the scary once-over by immigration officers in American airports – and it’s not just the American officers who are scary. Noah in San Francisco writes:
A few years ago I (an American) was flying into Gatwick. I was coming to London representing my art gallery for an art fair. When I asked by HMS Customs if I was there for business or pleasure, I answered “Business” in a proud fashion. I had never traveled for business before and was feeling quite proud of myself for doing so. I was, in the blink of an eye, an “international businessman” — but when I looked up to see the eyes of the customs officer, did I realize my grave, grave error. He had the look a starved jackal gives a frightened sheep. The ordeal that followed — what’s the nature of your business, who are you traveling with, just exactly why are you conducting business on our territory and thus clearly depriving others of work — was thorough, exhaustive and exhausting.
I explained everything: the fair was advertised all around London on large banners, advertised in all the current newspapers and magazines; nothing was done in secret, this was a well-publicized fair. He wasn’t having it, and after reappearing after 30 minutes, escorted not only me, but my fiancée and young sister to airport jail! We were thrown in the tank, questioned separately (my fiancée and sister were in separate queues and answered that they were there on please, only making matters worse). I think my sister got the worst of it as she got her diary read and passed around by several customs agents. I MAY have made things worse by answering the question: “Have you ever been searched by this before?” with “Well, once in East Germany in 1987, but it only took half the time.”
My fiancée (and now wife (and mother to my kids)) would insist I was being remiss if I didn’t mention the kind gentlemen jailer who fed us a seemingly endless supply of strangely-delicious triangle sandwiches.
A few hours later, we were released sans passports. Sis had to pickup our passports at the airport the next day, along with sincere apologies from the higher-ups at HMS Customs.
End of Cautionary Tale.
Could’ve been worse, Eric. A friend of mine, on his way back from a holiday in Florida, was held for several hours on suspicion of being the Atlanta Bomber.
In Answer Me This! Episode 329, one questioneer wrestles with the ethics of breeding Christmas-truther children who ruin everything for the other kiddos; another introduces us to the Catalan Christmas tradition we now desperately need to appropriate. Listen to find out about those, and also these:
Plus: Olly rode the carousel we all dream of riding; at primary school, Helen reined in her Junior Richard Dawkins; and Martin the Sound Man manages to ruin Oral-B for everyone, thanks Martin.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App, the talk of free coffee fraud turns to a far graver offence: Toys R Us fraud. To hear, fire up the app on your iThings, Android and Windows devices.
Thanks very much to today’s sponsor Squarespace.com, who’ll give you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you invoke the code ANSWER.
Thanks also to everyone who has supported the show by buying the Answer Me This! Christmas album. If you haven’t yet, this is really the time of year to do so. April, not so much. It’s available at answermethisstore.com, as well as some of the online retail behemoths – links and further details of the contents are available at answermethispodcast.com/christmas.
We’ll return with the Best of AMT 2015 on 24th December 2015.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT329 Child-Friendly Rating: 5%. Some swears; some bawdy references; and the greatest peril of all: THE ADMINISTRATIVE PROCESS OF CHRISTMAS GIFTS IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN AND WE THINK YOU DO. So, beware! Also, Olly encourages your children to break the airport rules, which will probably get them tasered. •••
Although August is coming to a close, and with it the Edinburgh Fringe, there’s still just enough time to incorporate our grade-A publicity techniques into your show. Learn from the masters in Answer Me This! Episode 268:
In which we also consider:
SeaWorld
ark logistics
glacier cherries
Peter Nichols’ Passion Play
Noah’s flood vs. the great flood of Edgware
transporting whales
E number 127
aeroplane seat-reclining etiquette
endless Chorus Line
war poetry
and
Barry Scott.
Plus: Olly warns you not to sit behind him on a flight, as he provides his own, er, jet propulsion; Helen still regrets inadvertently reviving the Al Jolson look for Edinburgh Fringe punters; and Martin the Sound Man fails the ‘name the artificial colourant in the glacé cherries’ game.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, Helen tells you the magic trick with which you can WOW your friends (or thoroughly disappoint them if all they wanted was a nice refreshing orange).
Don’t disappoint us: send us your nice refreshing QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. If we answer them, as Barry Scott would say: bang, and the doubt is gone.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT268 Child-Friendly Rating: 75%. In the aftermath of AMT267, this episode opens with further discussion of virginity loss, with concomitant references to genitalia and sexual practices. However the rest of the episode is clean beans, aside from a couple of swears.
PS Because we’d never leave you with an endless Chorus Line:
Pack your flippers, sunblock and emergency stomach medicine, because our new album The Answer Me This! Holiday is ready to depart!
It’s 58 minutes 3 seconds of all-new material – right down to the jingles – all about holidays, vacations, minibreaks, staycations, jaunts, sojourns, escapes; whatever you like to call them. In the usual AMT style, we tackle questions about such holidayish topics as:
things to do in New York City
summer reading lists
artificial insemination for pandas
dads’ embarrassing holiday-wear
what lies behind – or, more accurately, beneath – the scenes at Disney
Legoland sculptors
why the Spanish Steps in Rome aren’t Spanish
what to expect from a Chinese breakfast
stag parties abroad
and
why the Brits are lagging behind in competitive eating contests.
• A full range of holidaywear: clip-on sunglasses, short shorts, convertible trousers, Speedos, gilets, electroejaculators; • Classic tourist attractions: the Staten Island Ferry, Downton Abbey, Disney’s utilidors, Burghley House, the Winchester Mystery House, Flambards and A Day at the Wells; • Delicious holiday grub: satirical breakfasts, ‘world famous’ foods, congee, Sex on the Beach, the Heart Attack Grill, pork and its tasty friends, Economy Candy; • Delightful holiday companions: Cara Delevingne, Eugene Levy, Nancy Mitford, Adam Richman, naked mole rats, Spagna; • Fun holiday activities: the ‘bollocks’ game at festivals, drinking games, humiliating your fellow diners, being assaulted by Mexican shots girls, trying to remember your one-night-stand’s name.
Big thanks to Amy Smith and Sam Pay for the jingles and Jenny Robertshaw for the cover – and speculatively to you for buying it, because your outlay helps fund Answer Me This! (and our actual holidays).
Over the AMT years, we thought we made it clear that we are not keen on the idea of joining the Mile High Club. We cannot feel sexy on planes because we are too busy thinking about death/trying to stop our eyeballs drying out/watching as many 2.5-star films as we can. Plus plane lavatories, the traditional location for an exquisite and classy act of mid-air copulation, are disgusting.
But despite all this, Lauren in Canada is undeterred:
So I am from England and my boyfriend is Canadian. We are currently living together in Canada but we will be flying over to London to spend this Christmas with my family.
Our plane takes off just before midnight and will be a nice night flight. I am thinking this is the perfect opportunity to try and join the mile high club, you know just for a laugh. The lights will be dimmed, and most people will be trying to sleep, so should be easy enough to sneak off to the bathroom.
I am aware that it’s not going to be mind blowing or romantic, I just want to have the experience. Id even be happy with some heavy petting under the complimentary blankets!!!!
However, the boyfriend isn’t too keen on the idea and told me that it’s a ‘federal offence’. I think he is scared at being marched through Heathrow in handcuffs whilst meeting my Dad for the first time.
So Helen and Olly, answer me this: Can we really get into actual serious trouble?
AND
more importantly, how can I pursuade him to give it a try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First question first: realistically, unless you’re doing something VERY depraved and disruptive to others, your punishment is likely to be no stronger than a frown and a polite admonition from the flight attendants. But technically it could be a legal transgression, depending upon the laws of the country of take-off, the country of landing, and the country you’re flying over at the time. So choose your moment carefully, Lauren, because if you get caught over Greenland, they’ll feed your genitals to a polar bear.
As for your second question, reread the opening paragraph, Lauren. We cannot overcome our horror to help you. However, perhaps our disgusting and unhygienicracy and adventurous readers can assist? Go to the comments and suggest to Lauren how she can convince her reluctant boyfriend to let her ring his jingle bells at 30,000 feet.
“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
“Of randy stroppy teenagers;
“Ant queens; the term ‘left wing’…”
Believe that Walrus, because there’s all that and yet more talk of many things in Answer Me This! Episode 137:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Including:
Top of the Pops
Dorian Gray
Next t-shirts
the golddigging DVLA
Freddie Windsor
blackberries
‘Turning Japanese’
electronic vs. paper voting
aristocrats vs. bohos
Shirley Valentine vs. the Wailing Wall
Russell Grant
and Knightmare.
Plus: Olly is a man with a tiny car and a less tiny waist; Helen should have gnawed off her bad leg rather than sit through the Scooby Doo movie; and Martin the Sound Man comes up with a plan to oust the National Lottery’s Voice of the Balls, probably because he must be jealous that there is someone whose job title is ‘the Voice of the Balls’. Even more gallingly, the guy is a multi-millionaire. Watch out, Mr Ball-voice, there’s a sound man out for your blood…
…Meanwhile, the rest of us are out for your QUESTIONS, so bestow them upon us by leaving a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis and by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
We know you’re probably still watching the new Lady Gaga video that you clicked on last Friday, but when you need a break from [SPOILERS!] all the killing, the Kill Bill Pussy Wagon, and Beyonce’s impassive acting [/spoilers], then Answer Me This! Episode 127 is right here waiting for youuuuuu:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On this week’s agenda:
Charles Fey San Francisco special bread
McDonald’s apple pies
steak on a stake Apt Pupil
malaria
killer whales
Steve Coogan vs. Rednex
Snoop Dogg vs. the UK
gambling machines vs. Canadian homosexuality cures
and American Psycho.
Furthermore, Olly angers Jesus by using his Gideon’s Bible for nefarious purposes; Helen ponders the fugitive crayfish of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man can get you a nice Geiger counter if you slip him £50, no questions asked. Oh, you’ve already got one? Say no more. Plus, we solve the total non-mystery of what happened to former AMT flatmate Matthew Crosby, for the 0.001% of you who are curious.
As always, we enjoy it ever so much when you ask us QUESTIONS, so please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. In addition, if you have an opinion on what is the world’s grimmest book scene, express it in the comments – but please, keep any descriptions euphemistic, for we and many of our readers are of delicate constitutions. Also we already get more than enough Weird Googlers as it is.
Answer Me This! Episode 108 is one for the record-books! Why? Is it the world’s fastest-ever podcast? No. Is it the world’s fattest-ever podcast? Possibly… Oh, shut up. Actually, the superlative achievement we refer to is this: in today’s episode, we read out our longest-ever question. Yes! You excited? Tarry no longer:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
As well as the behemoth question, we talk about:
Lady Sovereign
the Romans
cuttlefish
head ushers
pierced kidneys
Coinstar machines
sex in tents
Sinitta
Brian Wilson Mr Bean
and
groats.
Furthermore, Olly displays a surprisingly delicate sensibility towards the bare-chested ladies of Page 3; Helen blames a broken mirror for her sub-par exam results, rather than the fact that she was too lazy to do any revision; and Martin the Sound Man will soon be auditioning for a new Best Man – mint-condition applicants ONLY, please; he’s not taking anyone else’s cast-offs.
This episode also comes with illustrations! Like Storyteller magazine – ‘ting!’ when you turn the page, etc etc – only in this case, your cue is when you hear us talking about grisly piercings, at which point you may want to view these pictures (SFW, don’t worry).
If you have any unusual body-art you feel compelled to share with us – or, preferably, you have some QUESTIONS for us, please get in touch: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Plus if you’re a cheapskate with a bit of advice for William from Larne’s student budget, please leave it in a comment below (don’t worry, it’s totally free).
Answer Me This! Podcast 