Posts Tagged ‘awkward’

EPISODE 364: intimate scrubbing

August 2, 2018

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Apologies for the unscheduled absence of a fresh episode in July, listeners: Helen’s neck had other plans for the past few weeks. But hooray, Helen is out of hospital and all new Answer Me This! Episode 364 is here! WARNING: there’s a bit of Medical Stuff in the first few minutes of this episode, so if you’re sensitive to that, skip to the 4-minute mark, after which you can hear about:

Paw Patrol vs the football World Cup
post-swim communal shower etiquette
cosmetology
Cast Away
jesters’ staffs
cranberry farming
lost birthday presents
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
and
an inflated bladder on a stick.

There is more cranberry-chat in today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices. We discover a previous, more ferocious name for the fruit, and reminisce about The Delia Effect (not a euphemism for a UTI or the soothing thereof with cranberry juice).

Check in with our other work: Olly hosts The Modern Mann; and Helen and Martin are performing the Allusionist live show on stages in the UK, Ireland, the US and Canada this autumn – check where and when at theallusionist.org/events.

Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your projects. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

The Bluffers’ Guides are back! Rapidly become passingly well-informed in subjects from cats to fishing to social media to wine at bluffers.com.

Send us your QUESTIONS: any time, deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately. So emailing a voice memo is the safer bet.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT365 on 6 September 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 23 August.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT364 Child-Friendly Rating: 71%. No smut, but quite a few swears. •••

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EPISODE 361: secret skipping lover

April 5, 2018

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With a spring in your step and a scent in your nostrils and a freshly cleaned undercarriage and Answer Me This! Episode 361 in your ears, join us to consider:

Smell-O-Vision
reclaiming skipping for the adult man
museum buddies
the Dalí museum
bidet chat
baby equipment
the perfect baby bottle warmer
getting aboard Michael Palin
crystal prawn cocktail glasses
and
Trainy McTrainface.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we have a bonus question from prolific questioneer Lindon from Huddersfield about how to cut off the ex-housemate who’s still a parasite upon Lindon’s Spotify account.

Want to see Helen and Martin live on stage? (NB that’s ‘live’ in an adverbial sense, not a verbal sense. Although they will be alive on stage. They just don’t live on one. Why do you have to make everything so complicated?) They’ll be touring with Radiotopia in the eastern USA in May and the Allusionist in Australia in June, and you can check where and when and how at theallusionist.org/events. And hear all about Olly’s grandmother’s amazing piss-based beauty routine on The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk.

Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your projects. Visit squarespace.com/answer; play around during the two-week free trial; then when you’re ready to buy your website or domain, you can have get 10% off your first purchase with the discount code ‘answer‘.

You can also get two free Audible audiobooks if you go to answermethispodcast.com/audible. Why don’t you listen along with Olly to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s memoir? He turned TS Eliot’s poetry into a hit musical and Thomas the Tank Engine into what looks like a load of off-brand Power Rangers on roller skates – what ISN’T he capable of?

You are capable of sending us your QUESTIONS: deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately or are coming out sounding like you’ve just been eaten by a robot. So emailing a voice memo is the safer bet.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT362 on 3 May 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 19 April.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT361 Child-Friendly Rating: 60%. A handful of swears. Acknowledgement of the existence of the nether regions. •••

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EPISODE 359: faxing the Pope

February 1, 2018

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Upon the last Winter Olympics in 2014, we fair shat ourselves with surprise and delight when Lizzy Yarnold, who won gold for Team GB in the skeleton, listens to AMT! She’s competing again this time, so GOOD LUCK, Lizzy. Do it for all of us who get most of our exercise running for the ice cream van.

People of all athletic abilities, Olympian or not: get ready to race through Answer Me This! Episode 359, to learn about:

pope tropes
hotel toothpaste
chewing toothpicks
your auntie’s Facebook pic
Dave Claus The Santa Dave
Defence Against the Dark Arts
Dumbledore’s aptitude for HR
the Center Parcs trees
the Center Parcs dome
the Center Parcs soft play that’s located in the bar/the Center Parcs bar that’s located in the soft play
karakia
cocktail swords
buttermilk
butterfat
and
globules.

Plus: we hear the latest in Olly’s gold pen nightmare scenario #OllyMannProblems; Martin figures out his title for when, as a Son of Santa, he inevitably takes up Santa duties; and Helen is already running down the beach to go swimming with some snazzy fish, so SEE YA.

The conversation about advance ticket-buying continues in today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – as Olly wonders whether his son, aged 2, will be too sophisticated to enjoy the Teletubbies live on the stages of Hertfordshire..

Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring the show, and for making it so easy to set up a good-looking website for your business, store, restaurant, art portfolio, band, podcast, smug travel wankery, etc. Have a go during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.

You can also get two free Audible audiobooks if you go to answermethispodcast.com/audible. Two free audiobooks are better than one free audiobook which is better than no free audiobooks, so get yourself free audiobooks!

Send us your QUESTIONS: deliver a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately or are coming out sounding like you’ve just been eaten by a robot. So a voice memo is a safer bet.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT360 on 1 March 2018, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 15 February.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT359 Child-Friendly Rating: 62%. No bawdiness, but a couple of strong swears. •••

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EPISODE 358: beautiful woman, sexual metaphor, slapstick.

January 4, 2018

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It’s AMT’s 11th birthday! To celebrate, we can’t replicate how Olly spent his own 11th birthday, at Cody’s Tex-Mex restaurant in Stevenage, because it closed down. So instead we’ve made some mild-to-moderate life changes – hear all about them Answer Me This! Episode 358, in which we also consider:

Nicole Scherzinger’s rancid yoghurt-nose
chutney WHY WHY WHY
goldfish as gifts
glass coffins
dairy for ditzes
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Forty Dragons
Goldilocks and the Three Bears Scant Plot
the price of gold pens
jamnesty
kalettes
piranha ribs
hot tubs vs hot pot
and
Olly Mannhood.

Should we be flattered that some of you have named your sexy body parts after us? Is it some kind of ultra-effective contraceptive? Because if you need a libido-killer, you’ve really invented a great one.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – contains some listener suggestions for David who complained in episode 355 that strangers won’t leave him alone because his dog is too cute. David should have looked for tips in the documentary about the making of Moonwalker! It’s OBVIOUS!

You still have a couple of weeks to get our most recent Retro AMT, the Best of 2010 part 1 – a good year! For AMT japes, anyway. All our Best Of compilations, as well as episodes 1-200 and our five special albums, are available to buy from the AMT store.

Thanks to today’s sponsors: first direct, whose online banking services you can find at firstdirect.com; and those stalwarts of podcast support Squarespace. Have a go during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Send us your QUESTIONS for AMT in 2018: send us a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can still use the old ways of calling the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, but a lot of those messages haven’t been reaching us lately, and we hate to think of your intriguing witty questions being lost to us.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT359 on 1 February 2018, and with a Retro AMT episode on 18 January. And if you’re in or near San Francisco on 12 January, get a ticket HERE to see Helen and Martin at SF Sketchfest.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT358 Child-Friendly Rating: 38%. Mostly ok, but the question about naming your genitals after us might traumatise your innocent offspring forever. •••

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EPISODE 353: bike on fire

August 3, 2017

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NOTE: Answer Me This! Episode 353 was recorded BEFORE Justin Bieber announced he was cancelling the rest of his tour. We didn’t mean to add to your grief with mild Bieb-teasing. Because today, we tackle the meaning of ‘Despacito‘, along with other phenomena like:

fake holiday resort booze
Competitive Dad
Tube emergencies worthy of sounding the alarm
wedding bloodshed vs your journalistic instincts
your body = manuscript
understudies
beating your kids at board games
apples for teacher
and
your mum’s glory hole.

Plus: Olly’s rock’n’roll dreams came true at the Meat Loaf jukebox musical he has been waiting for all his life; Helen favours drama over romance in wedding photos; and Martin the Sound Man goes on about ducks’ vaginas as if that’s a normal thing to do.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – the seven-year-old Olly Mann attempts to invent the new Monopoly, only to be thwarted by his unintentionally saucy choice of name.

Want to hear more from us? There’s the retro AMT episode we throw into your feed mid-month, which right now is the landmark AMT100; to get it, subscribe to AMT on your podcatcher of choice. All of our back catalogue is available from answermethisstore.com, along with our special albums including the AMT Holiday – the real soundtrack to your summer, shut up ‘Despacito’.

Want to SEE us, or at least two of the three of us? Come to the London Podcast Festival next month: tickets are on sale now for Helen’s live Allusionist and Martin’s Song By Song, featuring Helen and John Hodgman. And Helen will appear with her brother Andy on the live Bugle, so give yourself a very Zaltzman weekend of entertainment.

Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode, and for making spiffy websites so easy to build. Try for yourself: play around during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Send us your QUESTIONS: call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Our voicemail greeting has been removed thanks to Technological Advances, but that’s still the way to reach us. Or, if you prefer, you can send us a voice memo or a written question or one of your rogue wedding photos (oh go on, pleeeease): email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT354 on 7 September 2017, and with a Retro AMT episode on 24 August.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT353 Child-Friendly Rating: 17%. In the first few minutes, there are contemplations of innuendo-laden song lyrics, glory holes and duck vaginas. And the discussion of letting your kids win at boardgames may tip off your children to the possibility that you’re playing them. •••

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EPISODE 324: Wheel of Fortune for eggs

October 1, 2015

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Today’s questioneers have family troubles: troubles with their parents’ TMI; troubles with being an egg-peeling mother; troubles with having spawned a kid who’s a bit of an arsehole. Oh, the truth hurts.

You know what else hurts? Being a chicken at an 18th century fairground. Find out why in Answer Me This! Episode 324, in which we also discuss:

Disney jail
clock memes
peanuts vs monkey nuts
coconut shy vs cock shy
lard Oreos
omelette stations
oversharing parents
Yankee Doodle vs Pretty Fly For A White Guy
historical hipsters
The Eggstractor (approach with caution)
boners
and
BONGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Plus: Olly delivers TMI about both breakfast buffets and boners (separately, not together, although we wouldn’t put it past him); even after 30 years, Helen is still in the grip of the Brownies’ indoctrination; and Martin the Sound Man has a new podcast, and the whole first series is OUT NOW at songbysongpodcast.com, so go and listen to it (after you’ve finished AMT324 first, of course).

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – we wonder where all the diabolical pop covers of Yankee Doodle are. And before you say, “Careful what you wish for,” NB we are NOT wishing for this. Stand down, Pitbull. Zip it, Rednex.

However, there is no need to exercise such restraint when it comes to trying out today’s sponsor Squarespace.com. Use the code ANSWER to get 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, which include a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support. Go on, stop talking about it and start making the website of your dreams.

Don’t let Olly’s boner-talk put you off your breakfast sex ever feeling happiness again sending us your questions: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Befriend us online at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll return on 15th October 2015 with AMT325. BONGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Helen & Olly

••• AMT324 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. We weren’t being especially vigilant about swears, but nor were we being particularly sweary. There is talk of boners, but in an educational more than XXX manner. •••

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dog sitting

September 17, 2015

CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT322

Anonymous Man is dogged by the following problem:

I recently offered to look after my aunt and uncle’s dog while they are away on holiday. I’m a student, and my timetable for that week is really quiet, so I thought I’d be nice and offer to do it.

I had assumed, although it wasn’t discussed, that they would give me some payment in return for me taking a week of my time to do this. It would cost them at least £150 to put him in kennels, but they would never do that as they would be worried he’d get upset in kennels. They earn a decent wage, could easily afford to pay me something, and without me doing this they wouldn’t be able to go on holiday.

It has however became apparent that they don’t intend on paying me for this. My gran spoke to them and asked if I was getting paid, to which the response was, “Oh no, he offered to do it, why would we give him anything?” She feels I should be getting paid, but that it would be rude for her to suggest they paid me something. I feel that although money wasn’t discussed up front, a week of my time is at least worth something, and I shouldn’t need to ask about it.

So answer me this: am I being unreasonable to expect that I should be at least getting something for my time, and is there any way in which I can tactfully ask for them to pay me? My dad would probably do it, but I don’t really want to put him in an awkward situation. Or am I just being greedy?

This is why you always negotiate the finances up front!

It’s too bad your gran didn’t push a little further, since she’d already made some inroads. See if she’ll act as your agent, in return for a cut of the resulting fee. Maybe she can play hardball and not only push up the money, but also persuade them to throw in some deluxe snacks.

But it is awkward to talk about money and even more awkward to have the awkward money conversation with family members, since any unresolved awkwardness now will return with interest at Christmas. Readers, what would you do? Advise Anonymous Man in the comments.

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EPISODE 322: selfies with bears

September 3, 2015

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MISSING PERSON ALERT! If you are the elusive J formerly of Portland – or you know him (identifying features: tattooed; can make coffee; listens to AMT) – please, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 322 to hear a J-aimed plea, as well as:

selfie stick casualties
Morris merch
Desperate Dan
Aussie Man and Van vs A Nice Man With a Van
Disney Parks vs American National Parks
spa breaks
fear of holidays
phone a friend
PopMaster
stag do fun
and
hair transplants.

Plus: if Olly’s head is looking a bit red, that’s just his hair deciding to grow back; Helen will need an activity break to recover from the stress of a spa relaxation break; and Martin the Sound Man recommends a nice relaxing tour of the castles of Wales.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – Olly rejects the original Dennis the Menace for a foreign imposter.

Do not make the mistake of rejecting today’s sponsor Squarespace.com. Use the code ANSWER to get 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, which include a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support. Nowt wrong with that.

Whatever is wrong with you or the world around you can be enshrined into a question and sent to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Befriend us online at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll return on 17rd September 2015 with AMT323. Try not to be eaten by a bear before then.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT322 Child-Friendly Rating: 67%. Some swears, not much filth. •••

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iPad infidelity

June 22, 2015

CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT316

in AMT315, Olly and I disagreed over procedure for questioneer C who, after some incriminating messages popped up on the iPad she’d borrowed, discovered that her boyfriend’s dad had been pursuing some extramarital interests. You lot seem to disagree too; DP writes:

I side with Olly re the inadvertent viewing of a private email on an iPad. If the dad-in-law is having a bit on the side that’s his affair (geddit?).

If the inadvertent email viewer is so shocked and feels she must blow the whistle she could torpedo what may be an otherwise happy marriage. Does she want that responsibility? If she shuts up nobody gets hurt. If she talks, she’s doing it out of a sense of moral outrage, pushing her values on other people.

And what if the in laws have an open marriage? She will look pretty silly. Adultery is a lot more common than people think. Isn’t there a saying: “What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over”?

Whereas, from my corner, Andy from Littlehampton writes:

Surely the only option she has is to speak to her partner about it. I can’t understand why you would suggest brushing it under the carpet and lying about it to her other half. It is only going to eat away at her, and if or when it does come out, which it probably will, and she hasn’t told anyone, she’d feel dreadful.

It is her partner’s decision to speak to his father, and find out if there is an innocent explanation.

My dad had an affair with another woman and if I found out that my wife had known earlier and hadn’t said anything, it would have caused serious problems in our relationship.

You don’t solve one lie, by telling another.

What do you think? Seems to me there’s no right answer – but perhaps you can come up with one in the comments.

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EPISODE 311: mermaid with a crotch

April 2, 2015

Good news! Well, good news for Olly and everyone worried that his nocturnal job was causing him to collapse in on himself like a dying star: he’s got a new job on LBC, presenting a show 8-10pm Fridays and 6.30-10pm Saturdays. The first one is tomorrow, so tune in! Meantime, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 311:

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Therein:

the Queen of Starbucks (scroll down to the bottom of the post for the NSFW original Starbucks logo)
the Hollywood Walk of Fame (apply here for a star)
a bowling alley in your home
the dangers of being a stock photo
the other Michael Jackson
the other Harrison Ford
the real struggle in Moby-Dick
Buddha vs Budai
Night Nurse vs Night Nurse
lazy Barbra Streisand
critiquing your dick pics (link extremely NSFW)
and
the first known waterbed.

Plus: Olly would rather that rats do not accompany his sexytimes; Helen is still laughing about the typo on her grandmother’s gravestone; and and Martin the Sound Man enjoys his own parallel version of AMT.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows gadgets) we realise why it’s probably for the best that we don’t have a spare £200,000 to install a home bowling alley. Just imagine the bloodshed…

Shed no blood, but shed your QUESTIONS, by leaving voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can befriend us online facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly to deliver us your verdict on today’s episode.

We’ll return on 16nd April 2015 with AMT312, joiiiiiiin ussssssssss,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT311 Child-Friendly Rating: 40%. Strong swear word very near the beginning. 10 minutes in, there’s a question about nudie photos that you may wish your younglings to avoid. But after that, it’s pretty safe. If you start listening around 15 minutes in, it’d be at least 80% child friendly. •••

old-starbucks-logo-01-2014

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EPISODE 307: a rubber glove with no fingers

February 5, 2015

Overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Missy Elliott*, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 307:

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*Not really. She refuses to respond to our postcards.

On today’s question-answering slate:

female strippers
male strippers
drupes
Grumpy Cat
beckoning cats
Cats
Lil Bub: the Chris Martin of cats
Ben Lashes
fast food delivery
wedding diplomacy
Happy Meal toys
Ronald McDonald vs Carol Vorderman
human beatboxing
coconuts
and
Femidoms.

Plus: Olly’s brain or his wang can be stimulated, but never at the same time; Helen could have been the late-90s Beanie Baby trading magnate of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man exercises uncharacteristic restraint in the face of a question about beatboxing. Though he still manages to sound like he’s polishing a window with his own spit.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App contains further contemplation of memes and cats and the internet’s favourite/Helen’s least favourite, cat memes. Hear on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Use it use it use it!

With every fibre of our being, we yearn for your QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Join us in the vale of online friendship at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll be here with AMT308 on 19th February, hopefully you will be too.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT307 Child-Friendly Rating: 39%. Swearing, strippers AND Femidoms. Maybe not. •••

PS As it sleets down upon the steeple of the AMT stronghold, here is Olly in more clement climes modelling this year’s hot look in drupes:

IMG_0681

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EPISODE 305: chicken and egg

January 8, 2015

Welcome to the ninth year of AMT! Before we get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 305, care to guess which literary work is the inspiration for this questioneer’s tattoo?

unnamed-2

Check your answers in the show, which is here:

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Today we consider:

stealing back gifts
cheese-slicers
small socks
chocolate mice (sadly not the kind you’d include in your pick’n’mix)
Winnie-the-Pooh vs It
Tim Curry
olive crimes
audiobook auditions
doro wat
tan leather goods
and
Carmen Electra.

Plus: Olly likes to hang loose, even in his gloves; Helen’s going to have to work on her offensive foreign accents if she wants a career narrating audiobooks; and Martin the Sound Man’s morals go to shit around olives.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App Olly discovers the one type of present his dad Stanley IS happy to receive. Give yourself this gift by getting the app for your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.

Give us the gift of your questions, as voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And be our online friend at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘answer’. You want a nice website, don’t you? DON’T YOU? Thought so.

We’ll be back with AMT306 on 22nd January, so be ready.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT305 Child-Friendly Rating: 80%. Maybe we’ve forgotten something, but we think both language and content were pretty above-board today. Moments of parental concern may have occurred during the discussions of Stephen King’s It, and Carmen Electra. •••

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