Posts Tagged ‘bodies’

L-O-V-E

January 25, 2016

AMT LOVE

Gird your loins, unbutton your emotions, because the Answer Me This! Love album is OUT NOW and begging for your affections.

Buy it from iTunes, Amazon or our own Answer Me This! Store for only £2.99.

The album features a whole hour of love, sex, dating and genitals, and it’s all completely new AMT material that has never appeared on the podcast. Such as:

Is it appropriate to buy sexy clothes for your mum?
How do you make putting on a condom fun?
Just what is in that liquid squirting out of your girlfriend?
When you’ve lost your engagement ring, how best to style it out?
Is your partner’s schoolgirl fetish something you should worry about? It’s not like he’s a teacher – oh, he is? Oh.
How do you set up a blind date when you’re a blind dater?
How can anyone feel horny at the prospect of a vagina bristling with sharp, spiky horns?
What’s the best point of a wedding ceremony to call it off?
How do they come up with all those lines on Take Me Out?
What is your exhibitionist housemate really trying to show you?
How many holes should there be in a penis?

Here’s a little preview:

Any further questions?

Is this album suitable for me if I’m not at all in the mood for love, sex, or interacting with humanity at all?
YES. If all these people were having such a great time, they wouldn’t be writing to us, would they?

Is this album child-friendly?
HELL NO.

Will this album teach me what it’s like to have the Olly Mann Valentine’s Experience?
YES.

Will Helen say the word ‘urethra’ so many times, I will feel a bit sick?
MAYBE.

You can get it from iTunes and Amazon, but if you want all of your money to go to us and none to Megacorp, buy it directly from the AMT Store.

AMTStorebuy it now buttonbuy it now button

Hear the other AMT albums at answermethispodcast.com/albums

 

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EPISODE 298 – White Bread World

September 18, 2014

Happy Scottish Referendum Day, everyone! To commemorate, in Answer Me This! Episode 298 we decipher what Scotland’s finest non-whisky exports the Proclaimers were going on about. Vote YES to listening:

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We also contemplate:

actors’ posthumous endorsements
Jacob Frank
godparenting
James Brown’s bridge vs Robbie Williams’s bridge
Henry Hoover
tubby Ryan Gosling vs Peter Jackson
tubby Jared Leto vs gout
tubby Christian Bale vs emaciated Christian Bale vs tubby Christian Bale vs emaciated Christian Bale
being shot in the shoulder vs being shot in the ball
and
‘Uptown Girl’.

Plus: Olly’s pet Roomba hates not hiding under the sofa; Helen hates disco; and Martin the Sound Man hates the ethics of the contracts for Baywatch, which is bad news for anybody hoping of a revival of that show starring Martin. Him running in slowmo down a beach, haversack full of microphones swaying seductively, will have to remain only in your imagination.

Ahem.

In today’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices old and new, Android or Windows playthings, we continue Cathy’s question about godparenting, and whether you’re obliged to buy a silver spoon for a baby. Because what says ‘Welcome to the world!’ as much as a spoon that tastes weird? Maybe we should start putting around the rumour that the traditional christening gift for godchildren is one of our albums or vintage episodes from answermethisstore.com. They’ll probably grow into it.

We cannot grow without your QUESTIONS, so call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And be our online friend at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com, for sponsoring this episode, for allowing people to build and host websites easily and beautifully, and for offering you 10% off their services for a whole year if you use the code Answer.

And joy of all joys, Martin the Sound Man has a delightful new album out, available now HERE. Make an old Sound Man happy by downloading those sounds.

We will return with AMT299 (TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY FRICKING NINE!!!!) on 2nd October, and we hope you do too.

Yours haveringly,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT298 Child-Friendly Rating: 52%. A few medium-ranking swears and an F-level swear. Discussion of dick-shaped vacuum cleaners and Barry Manilow’s penis, which latter may prove traumatic for all ages. •••


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EPISODE 251 – you never see All Saints putting up a wall, ever

April 4, 2013

Good day, listeners,

Does a place make a man, or in this case a Mann? If today’s questioneer decides to move his young family to Stanmore, will he find himself raising his own curly-haired cat-obsessed musicals lover? Or will he just benefit from convenient Jubilee Line access and a nice Lebanese restaurant? We consider the benefits of the burb that birthed Olly in Answer Me This! Episode 251:

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Today we ponder upon:

morning sickness
Pimms
poisonous plaster
flirting
the Wiki Wiki Shuttle
wiki wiki Ward Cunningham
phone sex vs. sex
carpenter-style jeans
Nupedia
Laurence Olivier
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
human chorionic gonadotropin
the only non-singing, non-dancing part in West Side Story
and
the sanitary iPad.

Plus: Olly needs to learn to speak Bloke; morning sickness won’t put Helen off having a baby, but everything else will; and Martin the Sound Man is a big hairy flowerpot, and no returns.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we continue our discussion about equine actors; it moves on to child actors, then somehow to Olly having sex with a Battenburg cake. Which is the inevitable end of any discussion if you continue it long enough.

Next week will be a Special Guest Episode, and if you haven’t listened to the episode yet to find out who it will be, here’s your SPECIAL GUEST SPOILER:

Isy Suttie!

That’s right, Dobby from Peep Show/Esther from Shameless/Isy Suttie from Isy Suttie’s comedy shows will be joining us to answer your QUESTIONS. So send them to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you next week!

Helen & Olly

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rules of retraction

February 27, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT247

You may not feel much sympathy for tall, young, lithe questioneer James, but stick with his question because he needs your help (or the help of one of those sinister adverts in the back of magazines for mail-order penis pumps):

I am a 6’3″, 16st, muscular, fit and healthy, 25-year-old male. It would also be fair to say that I haven’t been “short changed” in the trouser department.

So… Helen and Olly, answer me this:

Why is it that after I exercise my penis resembles a small acorn?

For around an hour after I exercise, my penis decides to retreat. Most wouldn’t see this as a problem, or even noteworthy. However, it turns post-workout showers into a very shy affair, compared to pre-workout showers where I can hold my head up high.

Is there a biological reason for this? If so, please put my mind to to rest.

Biologists! Physiotherapists! Gym instructors! Penis experts! If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and offer James your opinion. Are his exercises perhaps causing his muscles to retract and withdraw his gentlemanly organs? Does he need special gym-pants? Or should he just stop worrying about the shower-gawkers? Help him: his penis self-esteem is in your hands.

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Best of AMT 2012 part II

December 20, 2012

We hope you enjoyed the Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part I last week. If you did, you’ll also enjoy The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part II, and if you didn’t, maybe you’ll prefer The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part II. Either way, you should listen to The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part II:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Wherein we meet again our auld acquaintances:

Phantom of the Opera
Hamlet Hamlet
Prince Philip’s bladder
Killer Net
Angela Lansbury fantasies
R Kelly’s fancy parties
the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution
Devon vs Cornwall scone wars
sex Jenga
the Owl and the Pussycat
the 21st-century Sweeney Todd
Olly’s solo sex tape
Helen taking an off-brand fruit into the Apple store
and
Charlie’s Angles.

And there are more previously unheard bits of AMT, which you can have more of every week if you posess the AMT App, available for iDevices and Android – on which you also get our Best Of episodes from the past five years, if you trawl through diligently enough.

Please be generous with your QUESTIONS for AMT in 2013: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.

We’ll be back on 10th January 2013, but you can still hear plenty of us before then:

We’ll be running through the year’s biggest online events on Saturday Edition, BBC 5 Live 8pm 29th December or available shortly after as the Let’s Talk About Tech podcast.

Olly will be Manning the microphone on LBC 97.3 FM, 1-4am most nights from Xmas Eve to Jan 3rd – check lbc.co.uk for the schedule, and rouse yourself from your festive stupor to give him a call and keep him company.

Helen will crop up on BBC 5 Live’s Radio Review of 2012, hosted by Jane Garvey and Mike Sweeney, which will be broadcast on at 11pm on Christmas Eve, repeated 4pm on Christmas Day, or, if you want to listen at a more sensible time, it’ll be available on the 5 Live website straight after.

You can hear us discussing Christmas gadgets and songs on Steve Wright in the Afternoon on BBC Radio 2 on 20th December. UPDATE: Here’s the link to the item on iPlayer.

And we wrote some bits for the Celebrity Juice Christmas Specials; part one is already on ITV Player and part two will follow on tonight.

We hope you have very happy festivities, and we’ll see you next year!

Helen & Olly

PS if you need more noise to drown out the sound of sleighbells and Wizzard, direct yourself to our Jubilee and Sports Day albums, as well as AMT1-120.

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EPISODE 205 – represent for all the men with tiny cocks!

February 16, 2012

So many wangs in Answer Me This! Episode 205. Big ones. Little ones. Extended ones. Stone ones. Religious ones. Cold ones. Coal-fired ones…

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We also consider:

Cillian Murphy in Batman
Jock Kinneir and Margaret Calvert
cemetery etiquette
snowman conformity
scarecrows
steam-power
phallus-power
naked shame
vibrators for health
Akzidenz-Grotesk
prudes vs. exhibitionists
traffic lights vs. policemen
and
pirated story tapes.

Plus: Olly doesn’t pull in Pret A Manger; Helen explains why Death By Vagina was a pretty unavoidable option for the sexually active Victorian lady; and Martin the Sound Man strips off at festivals, because he likes to evoke the bacchanalia of Burning Man all over the place. Or, rather, because he wants to go on the waterslides.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains how he could have prevented a decade of war, had the pull of literature not been too strong.

Next week, all going according to plan, we will be joined by a special guest: legendary comedian Jackie Mason! So send us QUESTIONS for him, marked ‘For Jackie’: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 175 – Urine-Off

April 14, 2011

SPRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG BREEEEAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right – the time has come for us to shout ‘Wooooo!’, whip our tops off, and throw up all over a beach resort in Mexico while Joe Francis captures our shame on video. Answer Me This! is off on its hols for a few weeks, but before we go, here’s Episode 175:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which we speak of:

Trebor gum
wedding-wear double standards
Birthday Girl
vats of KY
partworks
grab bags
parkour vs. flashmobs
Spiderman vs. white-collar crime
Hugh Grant vs. Ben Chaplin
Russian mail-order brides vs. Thai mail-order brides
Vernon Kay’s mum vs. Davina McCall’s mum
the Queen Sister-in-Law
the annual Test Card convention
Party Pieces
and
Simon Cowell’s fully-functioning penis.

Furthermore! Olly is like a smack-head, but for Percy Pigs; Helen shuns a potential money-making scheme; and Martin the Sound Man provides the key to safe toaster cookery. This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (a worthy addition to your iPhone or Android) is the true question of Lil Wayne: what possessed him to go for this?

We hope you don’t forget us while we’re away; please keep sending us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Plus, don’t hesitate to sign up for your free and half-price audiobooks at answermethispodcast.com/audible – you get a bargain, we get paid, everyone’s happy!

There will be bits and pieces popping up on this site during the break, but we’ll see you back here bright and early on 26th May for AMT176. Until then, behave yourselves.

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 169 – Milton Keynes, City of Dreams

March 3, 2011

This week, listeners, we go on a journey. Don’t worry – it’s not an emotional one like they have on reality shows! We go from Great Yarmouth to Gibraltar, California to Celebration, and end up in Utopia. It must be good if Cliff Richard is skating around it. Anyway, strap in and travel along with us in Answer Me This! Episode 169 (dudes):

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

We also consider:

Sam Cooke vs. Claire Tully
razor clams
dirty sexy waxworks
carp
Visalia
dusky pink
Alisha’s Attic
cork floors
sorghum
creative management tips from Jeffrey Archer
bathroom predictions from Sarah Beeny
dried apple
pork six-pack
and
Aberystwyth.

Plus: Olly wonders why toilet seat vendors have missed the opportunity to part this fool and his money; Helen fails to reap the full entertainment offered by a bowel movement; and Martin the Sound Man wishes* that the whole world could be as democratic where men’s crotches are concerned as Madame Tussaud’s is. If that’s not enough crotch for you for one week, today’s Bit of Crap on the App is us reminiscing about that 90s TV trend to line naked men up behind a screen then leer at their genitals. Relive those glory days of The Word with us on iPhone or Android.

It’s Lent next week, but we’re not going to give up answering QUESTIONS, so send them as voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Not that Lent holds much sway with atheist Jews, mind.

See you next week, for AMT170!

Helen & Olly

* He also wishes that you stick around till the very end of the episode to hear one of the songs off his new album ‘Songs from the Scientific Cabaret’. Make his wish come true, do. And come to see him play at the Geekpop festival on 10th March, why not? Because you’ll have given up geeky pursuits for Lent? Liar!

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EPISODE 142 – Ghandi levels of self-restraint

July 22, 2010

Hello pals,

Are we harbouring some pent-up aggression or something? Because Answer Me This! Episode 142 is quite the pugnacious little beast, as we parry questions on how to sock someone in the face, and how to have a good old bloody battle. Bam! Splat! Wallop! Here it is:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In between blows, we talk about:

comediennes
Byker Grove vs. Pin Oak Court, Melbourne
Dreamgirls vs. Showgirls
Nicole Lawrence out of the X Factor
The Killer Inside Me
Eldorado

pocket watches
the YMCA
semicolons
Paul Robinson: panto villain
Michel Gondry
that little pocket in jeans
a famous mouse
and
rheum.

Furthermore: Olly disobeys all the Village People’s instructions; Helen tells you all you need to do to become a Somerset celebrity; and Martin the Sound Man cheers up a military history lesson with a burst of Tim Rice.

We also give the behind-the-scenes commentary on our latest video adventure, Great British Questions Episode One: Cheese; if you haven’t already, please take a look at it HERE. Meanwhile, over on the app, this week’s bonus snippet is some incredible insight into those soap opera characters who are written out just as you’re getting used to them. Like Guy Pearce in Home and Away, who knocked up a teenager, promptly died in a car crash, then turned up in Memento denying all knowledge. DID SOPHIE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, GUY???

As always we yearn for your QUESTIONS with every particle of our being, so submit them to us in the form of a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you next Thursday for Episode 143, and on the preceding Tuesday for Episode Two of Great British Questions, starring Tower Bridge, James Bond’s big dome, and the Flintstones’ car. YES. Contain your excitement, please; you’ll damage yourselves!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 139 – nothing about a stork makes me horny. Nothing!

June 10, 2010

Cover your kiddies’ ears during Answer Me This! Episode 139. Not just because of the usual effing and blinding (although that can’t be wholesome for them, surely?), but because this week, we talk about [whisper] Where Babies Come From [/whisper]. Shudder!


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Aside from the role of birds in the human reproductive process, we speak of:

Sauron’s bird feeders
Billy Kennedy’s fluffy dice
posset
turkey farming
‘shimmering apricot mould’
bloodworm
Kia-Ora
the Virgin Mary vs. pelicans
Ted Heath vs. Hugh Grant
chum salmon vs. chambermates
Chambourcy Hippopotamousse
and
the correct classification of pasta salad.

Plus: Olly turns his fishbowl into a scene from Cannibal Holocaust; Helen busts out another member of her Nauseating Cookery Book collection; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more than the average sound man about clinical trials, although he was born and raised in a petri dish in a GlaxoSmithKline laboratory…

Now don’t get upset, but after next week’s episode, we’ll be taking a month off to rest our voices. So get your QUESTIONS in, quick! Call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. See you next Thursday, and we’ll make that precious time together count, ok?

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 138 – do as Megan Fox does

June 3, 2010

We see a dark blot on the horizon. A dark, sports-shaped blot. Wimbledon AND the World Cup football in the next month? It’s too much for our sensibilities. We can’t stop it; we can’t pretend to like it; but we can prepare ourselves, so we try to limber up with a bit of tangentially sportif chitterchatter in Answer Me This! Episode 138:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Don’t worry, the majority of the content is non-sportular, including:

Project Runway
Jacques Chirac G8 Fail
Hobbycraft
Wenlock and Mandeville vs. Banksy and David Shrigley
Ped Egg vs. fungal nail infection in the Battle of the Turned Stomachs
Yoshiaki Shiraishi
massage
sitting shivah
the obscure early life of Jools Holland
NASA entry requirements
and
bacon bras.

Plus: Olly finds the present day to be lagging behind in meeting targets set in The Terminator; Helen reveals the secret that made Neil Armstrong the first man on the moon; and Martin the Sound Man is quite quiet and well-behaved because he’s really thinking about getting back to playing Red Dead Redemption. A podcast cannot come between the man and his PS3. Harrumph.

We’re looking to you to keep our spirits up in these tryingly footbally times, so please send us QUESTIONS with which to distract ourselves, in the form of a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Ta for that.

See you next Thursday!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 121 – ‘flange’ was a bad choice of word

January 7, 2010

Welcome, listeners, to the first Answer Me This! of 2010:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which we speak of:

the Next sales
Sherlock Holmes
sweetbreads
condominiums
the son of Sam
Golden Wonder
Stanley Kubrick
the Queen’s Speech
Scotch woodcock
Johnny Carson
snake lungs
Anne Frank
and
the best public lavatories in Balham.

Furthermore: Olly manages to draw comparison between Lolita and Match of the Day; Helen manages to draw comparison between estate agents and kidnapped children; and Martin the Sound Man manages to draw comparison between a suitable Christmas present for his girlfriend and a DVD boxset about serial killers. Let’s hope he didn’t buy it for research purposes.

We’ve a list of chores for you to do this week:
1) click here to get yourself a free Audible audiobook;
2) share your neuroses, like shark-fearing questioneer Bunty did, in a comment on this post;
3) decide for the world whether humans are red meat or white meat by voting in this poll
4) if you’re still steaming about Walkers Crisps’ packet colours (and frankly, we aren’t), sign the petition;
5) listen to Martin the Sound Man’s latest music podcast;
6) and, of course, send us YOUR QUESTIONS for future episodes, via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

So, after you’ve done all those, we’ll see you next week for Episode 122!

Helen and Olly

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