Good morning, you lazy bastards! One listener called Martin has been up and at ’em since earlytimes, because before this post even went up, he tweeted us with a solution to one of the problems discussed in Answer Me This! Episode 267: Josh, who is trying to watch racy HBO shows on his iPad at the gym without feeling ashamed, needs to get one of these. Wallop! Problem solved.* And what have you done lately, eh?
Don’t worry, you don’t really need to do very much at all, except listen to the episode, of course:
We also consider:
spiders Victor David Brenner
SculptureShop
Thomas Jefferson vs. Mariah Carey
Olly’s dad vs. DVDs
corrupt bakers
Theresa May: monarchical midwife À la recherche du temps perdu
madeleines
Farter’s Day
the definition of virginity
and
Richard Nixon.
Plus, each of us is ready for combat this week: Olly provokes a rematch of the Battle of Agincourt, but this time over French cakes versus English cakes; Helen wages war against cliché; and Martin the Sound Man takes a shoot-to-kill policy on spiders and whelks.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, learn how to decorate your home in the Olly Mann style: with squashed moths. Or, if you prefer slightly less morbid things on your walls, you could get the AMT clock that he mentions in the show. That’s right: Olly Mann’s clockface is his own face. We’re still working on turning Helen’s face into a sundial.
While we do that, you should work on sending us your QUESTIONS. It’s easy: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Bam. Job done.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT267 Child-Friendly Rating: 50%. Just a couple of swears. Question about sex scenes in HBO shows. Graphic mental image of Jack Straw staring up a royal birth canal. Question about virginity at the end of the show with, naturally, references to sexual practices, albeit thoughtful rather than lairy in tone.
This week, listener Melvyn from Israel got in touch to ask whether we have a system for identifying AMT episodes which are suitable for his children to listen to. So from this point forward*, each episode will have a rating so you parents/children are aware of the incidence of blue language and depraved material. Answer Me This! Episode 260 scores a Child Friendly Rating of 70% (mild swearing/bawdy talk and one question about dicks).
Today we discuss:
Wagon Wheels
jalapeños
disappointing Oxford Circus Loose Women‘s stools (not as in bowel movement stools)
tuk tuk drivers
Fentimans
The Pammy vs. The Governess
Lord Adonis
helium
and
dressing to the left/right.
Plus: Olly has a simple but cunning method for hiding his Special Racy Magazines; Helen is a fan of neither Buckfast nor Red Bull; and the only thing bigger than Martin the Sound Man’s head is his…ego?
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we discuss Desert Island Drugs. We may be squares in our normal lives, but leave us to die alone on a desert island and we’ll give any intoxicants a whirl.
Today we discuss the world’s greatest audio format apart from this one: Desert Island Discs. What would your luxury be? (If you’re a cheating cheater who wants to take a fully-stocked iPod, throw yourself into the sea.) Find out ours, along with myriad other important nuggets of information, in Answer Me This! Episode 259:
In which we also consider:
condoms vs. opera gloves
knits vs. nits
Tim Burton vs. Faust
Olly vs. Ollie vs. Olleigh
cherry-pickers gentlemen’s clubs (nb not ‘gentlemen’s clubs’) The Reform Act This Life
personalised Coke bottles
Simon Cowell’s reflection
mayonnaise spa treatments
retro-live-tweeting
and
Russ Abbott.
Plus: Olly is nostalgic for an infestation of headlice; Helen WOULD with the person who changes the lights in supermarkets; and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t want to swallow himself. Just reflect on that quietly.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly rhapsodises about the Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine. All the different types of sugar water – in one machine! A miracle of modern life.
Another miracle of modern life is to be able to watch thousands of hours of entertainment for FREE thanks to our LoveFilm offer – which, equally miraculously, helps pay for future Answer Me Thises.
As well as free money, we can only sustain the podcast with your QUESTIONS, so send them along in the form of voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Sound the sirens – today, in Answer Me This! Episode 258, we address a VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. One of those questions that completely reshapes your neural pathways, redirects your chi, repapers the hallways of your spiritual palace. Get ready:
What is a dickbag?
A bag OF dicks, a bag FOR dicks, or a ballbag?
Yup. One of the greats.
We also discuss:
cinema intervals
sleeping in parks
the not-circular Circle Line
silly cows
presidential perishables
gifts for Sophie Raworth
Dumbo vs. DUMBO
exes vs. economics
potplant-murder vs. potplant-suicide
the White House postal address cartoon crows
and
coffee in the loo.
Plus: young Olly wanted value even more than he wanted Disney cartoons; Helen is a lady; and you don’t want to be hot-desking at Martin the Sound Man’s office, you really don’t.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we feel the threat of the new Greatest Show On Earth: Radio 4’s Tweet of the Day.
If birdsong isn’t your thing, how about a month of free film/TV/games instead? Deprive yourself no longer; sign up to our free LoveFilm offer right now. You’d not only be delighting yourself with all the free entertainment of LoveFilm, you’d also be helping maintain the free entertainment of AMT, because we get money if you take up the trial.
There’s another way you can help keep this show going: send us your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Here’s a question from Oliver from Manchester. Not Olly, or Ollie, or Ol, or Ollingtons. OLIVER. Oliver says:
My name is Oliver, and when introducing myself to, lets say, a mutual friend, of a friend, of a friend, I will say ‘hello, I’m Oliver.’ Moments later this practical stranger will refer to me as ‘Olly’ even though I never said that was my name.
So answer me this, who is the toss-face in this scenario – the stranger for giving me a nickname even though the piss-weasel doesn’t know me; or me for going on about it?
You’re a bit of a toss-face for calling a stranger a piss-weasel (as am I, now, for just having done the same); however they are the bigger toss-face for being presumptuous.
We do receive this question a lot, and have encountered it in life as well – eg former AMTflatmate Matthew Crosby is always Matthew, NEVER Matt. Nonetheless, many people are unable to bypass their InstaMatt function.
It’s not a problem I have, because Helen is a name difficult enough to abbreviate that to do so feels too personal for most piss-weasels and toss-faces.
But, readers, if you are a Margaret-never-Maggie, a Ben-never-Benjamin, a Josh-not-Joshua or a Catherine-nary-Cathy, go to the comments and suggest a polite way for Oliver to correct the abbreviators. A cold, unresponsive stare until they give him the right name might work, but also runs the risk of compelling them to keep calling him ‘Oli’ just to piss him off.
We kept the picture of this monster small, but click on it to see the big version. But BEWARE, it may make you spit out your breakfast. But, believe it or not, someone wishes to own this bear SO MUCH that it has caused a rift in a friendship. Hear all about it in Answer Me This! Episode 253:
Today we discuss:
summer jobs
summer camp
rat poison
Australia’s bush capital
Helen vs. Michael Jackson Refreshers vs. Refreshers Crash vs. Crash dying and decaying alone
handmade cheques
funfair capitalism
the sword in Disney’s stone
and
lobster hunting.
Plus: Olly is all about the winning, not the taking part; from humble childhood aspirations, Helen grew up into this (warning: disturbing); and Martin the Sound Man seems upset that Kids These Days prefer Nemo to Pinocchio. Nobody likes a fibber, Martin.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), Olly describes how the late Margaret Thatcher out-Beadled the late Jeremy Beadle. Maybe he pranked her back in the 80s and this was her comeback. What a pair!
As usual, we invite you to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. From those, more AMT will be begotten.
Following our discussion of London, Ontario last week, several of you have piped up about places that have the same name as another place but are not THE place. Says Emma:
I was just so excited that last week you mentioned Vancouver, Washington, and our struggle to differentiate ourselves from Vancouver, BC. I grew up in Vancouver, WA, and we had severe little dog syndrome. There are t-shirts in the local mall that read “Vancouver – NOT BC, Washington – NOT DC.” During the Vancouver winter Olympics we had loads of people trying to book rooms for the games in Vancouver, Washington. Idiots.
Actually, our Vancouver was founded before the one in Canada, but no one cares besides us.
To avoid such confusion, I’ve moved to New York City. Nobody asks which New York City you’re referencing.
Secondly, there ain’t no California Dreaming for Rebecca:
There’s a California in Great Yarmouth. That always used to make my childhood holidays sound more fun than they were.
NO DON’T TELL US. Tell nobody. Find that impulse that lurks deep within yourself to vocalise your opinions upon a matter so boring, so mundane, so underwhelming an indicator of anything interesting about your character; find it, then destroy it.
Then listen to Answer Me This! Episode 248:
Today we ponder upon:
Flu Camp
pregnancy disguises
Stevenage slush puppies (not a euphemism)
Ming Dynasty toilet paper
Joseph Gayetty
posh Pot Noodles
domestic rubbish vs. commercial rubbish
London, UK vs. London, Ontario
figure skating vs. Dancing On Ice
Tiny Toronto
and Sergey Brin hiding in the bushes.
Plus: Olly’s lukewarm about Google Glass, but looking forward to the installation of his Google Womb; Helen believes the empire waist to be an offence to waists (and empires); and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t like the principles of Ayn Rand, he just looks like he does.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Poppy wondering why Skittles’ latest ad campaign is targeting the people-who-eat-bodily-growths market. Cheer up, Poppy; at least they’re not suggesting you wipe your bottom with Skittles then tell them about it.
Tell us your QUESTIONS, though: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Then treat yourself to a free Audible audiobook as a reward. OK, you can have one anyway, for being so well-behaved (and because we receive a bit of lovely money for each of you who has one; let’s not be coy about it).
What are the smells that trigger certain feelings or memories for you? Does the scent of a rose transport you back to eating Turkish Delight with your gran? Do exhaust fumes remind you of that trip to Rome where you lost your wallet but gained some minor STDs? Does cider bring back all too vividly that time you puked into your dad’s slippers?
Whatever the flavour of your nasal nostalgia, take a big sniff and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 245:
Today we speak of:
Annie Lennox
bouquet tossing uniformdating.com
the grapevine
the cheesy moon
the Earl of Grantham’s house before he moved into Downton Abbey Arrested Development vs. Arrested Development Phenom
sexy dill
wedding suits
Marvin Gaye: phone engineer
DVD/Blu-ray ordering
and
the lies of David Sneddon.
Also: Olly’s not a bad driver, it’s just his cursed jumper; Helen is abusing her magnificent brain, by filling it with shitcoms then hitting it with beer bottles; and Martin the Sound Man’s impression of Gregg Wallace is uncannilly shitty.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Ellen in North Carolina about the Tim Tam Explosion. If you’re not sure what that is, imagine the Australian version of the Soggy Biscuit Game.
On the subject of sweet things, see the proof of Thorntons icing HERE. But this innocentish fun has a dark side, and we don’t just mean 70% cocoa solids dark. As you’ll find out in the episode, Thorntons are striking back! Ulp…
Assuming Thorntons haven’t shut us down by next week, send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Hey guys! Remember when we…? And that time when…? And that thing where…? Ah, good times. So many good times! Please join us in reliving half of them in The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part I:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we reacquaint ourselves with such beloved old friends as:
The Elves and the Shoemaker
Fabio and Fabio
Hong King Disney
nurse fantasies
the Elgin Marbles
PATP
the seawater cure
Will.I.Am’s nursery rhymes
Pink Lady apples
sexy snowgirls
mad neighbours
bloody Big Bird and dead Kes
Helen’s childhood crush on Inspector Morse
Olly’s kidney
and
Martin the Sound Man’s blue girlfriend.
Plus: drunk callers! Parping! D*ve from Sm*thw*ck!!! And if you enjoyed the assemblage of previously unheard material, ie the blooper reel, you can hear more of that sort of thing every week if you obtain the AMT app for your iDevices and Android.
Join us again next Thursday for the second half of our annual retrospective, and do also supply us with QUESTIONS for AMT 2013. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
With just days to go until Hallowe’en, many of you have been writing to ask what costume you should opt for. Here’s our one-size-fits-all solution:
1. Wrap yourself in a duvet;
2. Go to bed until November 1st.
While you’re there, drown out the sound of trick or treaters ringing your doorbell by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 234:
Today we consider:
Citizen Kane
the classic Charlie’s Angels remake Green Jelly (nee Jello)
doughnuts vs. douchebags
strumpets vs. crumpets
Brian May’s badger sanctuary
William of Orange’s pet pugs
tribute bands
hipster combovers
psychoanalysis of Agatha Christie
Fratzos: matzos for frat boys
Leonardo DiCaprio lookalikes
the hard lives of fake Posh’n’Becks
Ann Widdecombe
the mystery of the Rolling Stones’ hair
and
The Mystery of Hercule Poirot’s Pants.
Plus: Olly finally finds a TV show to enjoy when he’s alone in business hotels; Helen does not think this is cute, at all; and Martin the Sound Man won’t think much of Django Reinhardt impersonators unless they burn off their fingers.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly digs up a big mistake Universal made, back in the day when Mickey Mouse was still just a rabbit, and Norman Bates was still just a motelier.
Make no mistake: we want your QUESTIONS so we can make more episodes of AMT. So email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Guys. Why are you bothering with the London Olympics, when you need to preserve your energy for the year’s most important contest? That’s right – the British Firework Championships are only days away! And at least one of Team AMT should be looking to start a new career there, as we discover in Answer Me This! Episode 226. Prepare to detonate:
Also going off in the episode:
Mass Market Muesli
clutch bags for the Third World
immersive theatre
psychic jurors
hipster aprons
teacher sadism by proxy
Routemaster buses
the Penguin Shwopping vs. consumerism
Captain Hook vs. Gordon Ramsay us vs. Bob Dylan
and
‘London’s Best Scare Experience 2008-2011’.
Plus: Olly has a damp stinky manbag; Helen errs by bringing actual fruit to the Apple store; and Martin the Sound Man recommends not trying to multitask during sexual activity if you’re a novice.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Kenny, about whether he was wrong to fuck over his work buddy in order to score a promotion. Is it a fair case of survival of the fittest, or survival of the fuckiest? Find out on iDevices and Android.
You can also find out a whole lot if you listen to the AMT Sports Day. Most of that lot will be about sport, but since the Olympics is currently in full swing, you’d only be having to listen to sports commentators rabbiting on anyway whenever you turn on the television. Us or them, US OR THEM???
It only remains for us to ask you to ask us something: send your QUESTIONS as voicemails to the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Answer Me This! Podcast 