Ryan in Brighton wants to check the certificate for Olly’s English degree. He writes:
In AMT328, did Olly pronounce Don Juan (Don Whan) as “Don Jew-an”?
If so, was this a Freudian slip?
He did, and it wasn’t! Olly was referring to Lord Byron’s lengthy poem Don Juan, in which ‘Juan’ was indeed pronounced ‘Jew-an’, to rhyme with such phrases as ‘true one’ and ‘threw on’. This is what passed for a joke for a Romantic poet.
How do you tell your mum that she is a STUPID WOMAN who is RUINING CHRISTMAS by buying you the WRONG GIFT? Plus other polite and classy problems compose Answer Me This! Episode 328, in which we contemplate:
Plus: Olly plans never to get married, but maybe he’ll change his mind purely to have the themed wedding of his Jennifer Connelly-starring dreams; Helen turns her profound laziness into creative tips; and Martin the Sound Man puts the beats into his favourite Christmas carol.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App, available for iThings, Android and Windows devices, Olly reveals the surprise hair inspiration of his mid-1980s barnet: Princess Diana.
Feeling festive yet? Click here to read about and then buy the Answer Me This! Christmas album; and click here to get the delightful Christmas podcasts from today’s sponsor Dobbies Garden Centres – and there’re plenty of Christmas tips and decorations to buy at dobbies.com and in store.
••• AMT328 Child-Friendly Rating: 60%. No bawdy content, but there are a few swears, and the possible demystification of the machinations behind Christmas presents IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. •••
Would you rather feel The Weeknd’s face or see Andy McNab’s face? Actually, you don’t have to choose; you’re probably equally capable of doing both/neither. But it’s something to think about while you listen to Answer Me This! Episode 327, in which we also deal with questions about:
party poppers
piercings vs mum’s disapproval
Sixpence None The Richer vs drug references
Olly vs his own feelings about Tom Cruise
being struck by lightning
vegetarian weddings
envious actors
humiliating ham
the moment Dr Martens ceased to be the footwear of rebels
and
Greek wine.
Plus: we learn who is Olly’s 47th favourite film star; Helen’s imaginary boyfriend didn’t even spring from her own imagination; and Martin the Teenage Physics Weirdo thinks people should express themselves through their appearance and through their weddings.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App, Olly reveals: 1. what he thinks of ‘Golden Brown’ by The Stranglers; 2. which songs make him want to piss. We know you’ve been desperate to learn these two things, so rush to the app, which is available for iThings, Android and Windows devices.
Thanks very much to today’s sponsor Squarespace.com, who’ll give you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year (and with which you get a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support) if you stand in front of the bathroom mirror and say five times use the code ANSWER.
••• AMT327 Child-Friendly Rating: 55%. Some swears, sex and drug references, and discussions that may encourage your offspring to modify their bodies with piercings or party poppers. •••
My aunt and uncle tried for years to have a baby, using all sorts of expensive treatment. When facing defeat, and after my uncle bought an Alfa Romeo as an ersatz object of affection, my aunt became pregnant. During the pregnancy the doctors discovered my aunt had a tumour which was preventing their earlier attempts at pregnancy. They removed the tumour, the baby was born, everyone was doubly ecstatic.
But now, 13 years later and probably because of the troubled pregnancy, my aunt is completely attached to her son. He literally hasn’t had a day away from her his entire life and they still sleep in the same bed together. My mum is very concerned about this but has no idea how to broach the subject. When they stay at mum’s house for Christmas she makes up the spare bed for their son and gives his parents her bed – in an attempt to make a point – but the dad just takes the spare bed and my cousin and aunt sleep in mum’s bed together.
This isn’t normal, is it? His voice has broken and I can’t help thinking about how I was when I was 13 – riddled with hormones and unpredictable boners. Surely he will suffer from arrested development?
Anyway answer me this: how on earth do you say to someone “Stop sleeping with your son”? Even drawing attention to it is incredibly awkward. How would you guys handle this?
These two thoughts are vying for supremecy in my brain:
1. “I’m not a parent, so I’m somewhat reluctant to weigh in on other people’s family situations – what do I know? And who decides what is ‘normal’ anyway?”
2. “I’m an extremely judgemental person! This is – this is – this is…problematic.”
So, readers, I delegate to you the task of going to the comments and dropping some advice.
And I’ll just throw in this secondary question: the aunt and uncle’s relationship still seems to be going. Is this good or bad?
Get yer dolls out for the lads! Following AMT326‘s conclusion that seeing Russian dolls is more satisfying than owning Russian dolls, we want to see yours.
Nick has supplied:
Whilst on honeymoon in Sydney in May 2012 I came across this fitting tribute to the ‘King Of Pop’.
Stunning.
Is it wrong that I’m a little saddened they’re not in chronological order?
Duh duh diddleiddle duh duh dur durr, duh duh diddleiddle duh duh dur durr, DUH duddle ur dur DUH duddle ur dur duddluddluddle uddle uddle ududerder, here’s some feedback from Sebastian:
I just finished listening to AMT325 and wanted to chime in. I am an actual circus performer and I can say that the March of the Gladiators (which is the name that circus folk actually refer to the song as) is deeply loved among circus people. That song will make us all stand up a little taller and get ready to put on a show!
It is so tied to circus that it pulls people in from off the street to go see if there is a circus show going on. The only other song that I can think of that gets circus people feeling excited and nostalgic like that is The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.
As far as most of us are concerned, it hardly matters how the song came to be, it is just a part of circus life. You might hate it when you first join the circus, it might seem cliche for the first few years, but after years, when you’ve been from circus to circus to circus, that song stays the same and it becomes deeply comforting.
It may be deeply comforting – until IT gets involved.
Olly’s new podcast is here! You can get The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk, as well as iTunes and Pocketcasts and whichever other places you get your podcasts.
I’ve been doing weekly Allusionists for the past month, because it’s Radiotopia‘s fundraising season. I’m TIRED! But excited! As well as the Vocables episode mentioned above, Criminal dropped by to talk about polygraphs and lying, and Roman Mars from 99% Invisible joined me to find out about eponyms – in this case Bic and Biro, which some of you have asked about before, so listen for the story. And if you fancy supporting the thirteen shows of Radiotopia, you can chip in a little at radiotopia.fm.
I was also on the charming BBC Radio 3 show The Verb, which is also available as a podcast. The day’s theme was ‘backwards’, and I found out there used to be a synonym ‘arsewards’. Due a revival.
Tune into BBC Radio 4 this Saturday morning at 10.30am for their new series In Pod We Trust: I’ll be talking to Miranda Sawyer about AMT and Allusionist and what I like about podcasts.
You like podcasts too, right? Tell us which ones have been delighting you this week.
PS Catch up on AMT326, in which we consider Gogglebox, Russian dolls and the haka, and try to find a cure for crying at inopportune times.
PPS Fun fact: In Pod We Trust was one of the rejected names for AMT off the 2006 List Of Shame.
Happy news! AMT325‘s Beckie, who was worried who was worrying about having chosen the baby name ‘Aoife’ because her family were being dicks about it? On Tuesday, the baby was born! And she has been named….Aoife! Good for you, Beckie, and welcome to the world, Aoife. All together now: aaaaaawwwwwww.
Let’s change some more lives in Answer Me This! Episode 326 shall we? Or at least deal with a range of minor to moderate problems, concerning such matters as:
Gogglebox
crying vs fart machines
sport vs Helen’s love for her family
sport vs Andrew Lloyd Webber
the haka the Crystal Palace dinosaurs
matryoshka spy dolls
Queen Victoria
and
the likely successor to The Human Centipede.
Plus: Olly has the equivalent of a shy bladder but for sneezing (which you already know is a problem for him); Helen has to choose between her family and her dislike of sport; and Martin the Sound Man’s cup of Earl Grey is full of tears.
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – rugby brings the rest of Helen’s family joy, but also forces her brother Andy to tell the biggest lie of his life.
Olly’s so fecund at the moment! Birthing out babies and podcasts all over the place. You can find his new show The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk, as well as on iTunes and Pocketcasts and the various other podcast-getting places.
Helen is currently releasing new doses of The Allusionist EVERY WEEK (wilts) because Radiotopia is raising funds. Love any of the shows? Donate at radiotopia.fm! And join in her Reddit AMA at 7pm GMT today.
Finally, Martin the Sound Man’s Song By Song podcast is now embarking upon Tom Waits’s Heart of Saturday Night. Not a difficult second album, a cracking second album! (Except for the bits which sound like dinner jazz, which are sub-cracking.)
We’ll return on 12th November 2015 with AMT327.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT326 Child-Friendly Rating: 30%. No bawdy content, but there are swears all over the place. •••
This time every year, we get questions about costumes. My preferred Halloween costume is ‘staying home’, but if you’re into this stuff, please do leap into the comments to advise these questioneers. We open with B in Seattle:
I work in a small office with six other people. Not by choice, I’ve apparently taken on the role of Human Resources (in addition to several other titles). I have zero HR experience. One of my colleagues has come to office in the past dressed as Aunt Jemima for Halloween. The problem is, she is white and completed the ensemble with black face. Read the rest of this entry »
Jules writes with some sweet advice for AMT325‘s Steve, who had inadvertently rumbled his wife’s birthday surprise for him of a trip to Krakow. We suggested that the least bad move would be for Steve to pretend he didn’t know. Jules advises:
So she doesn’t feel bad about him knowing, he should not tell her now – but he should learn basic phrases in Polish so when they arrive he can surprise her back!
“The cookies gave the location away when I saw the ad for Polish Rosetta Stone – I thought that was my birthday gift.” 😉
Then something positive can come out of him knowing in advance.
That’s nice-double-crossing on a level with a Richard Curtis film.* Have any of the rest of you transformed a rumbled surprise into a BONUS SURPRISE?
*Specifically Serena in Four Weddings and a Funeral learning sign language then getting invited to another wedding, just to woo Hugh Grant’s brother. So creepy romantic!
In AMT312, the mysterious S asked about getting jobs in Antarctica, despite not being much use to Antarctica. However, Claudia supplies hope:
You mentioned tourism in Antarctica, but you forgot the corollary – someone must take the tourists!
There are several cruise ships that operate in the area of Antarctic Peninsula, most of them leave from Ushuaia. There are all sort of jobs on board the ships, ranging from cabin stewards, restaurant stewards, chefs, deck hands, boat handlers to ship officers. On the cruise department there are naturalists and guides that give lectures and guide passengers ashore.
Because most ships work other itineraries, this probably does not appear on a search for work in Antarctica.
The advantages of working on ships on relation to work on stations: we travel around and visit many sites. Bonus: we only work during summer!!!
Here are a list of crewing agencies that crew ships that work in Antarctica:
FleetPro, V-Ships and SeaChefs.
Good luck, S. If you hurry, you might be able to spend the imminent Southern Hemispherical summer living your Antarctic dream!
Today’s questioneers face ruin: browser history ruining a surprise; other people ruining the choice of baby names; and ruining your own chances of shagging a houseguest. Don’t ruin your own life by failing to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 325, in which we also discuss:
In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – we reveal the moral cesspit at the heart of that classic Martin Clunes film Staggered.
Answer Me This! Podcast 