Author Archive

EPISODE 384: a gift-wrapped jar of urine

April 2, 2020

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Welcome! We hope you’re doing OK. We’re keeping AMT a pandemic-free pod, so if you’re looking for content to take your mind off things for a bit, Answer Me This! Episode 384 can provide, with topics such as:

shitty spinach
Tamworth (again)
speaking slower
ghostwriters
badger repellent
young person repellent
leopard print
lion poo
that old mining town your dad bought
a fortress of toasters
and
getting your head stuck.

Hear more about Macaronis in AMT324, and if you want to try making crumpets using discarded sourdough starter, here’s the recipe Helen and Martin used.

This month there is a double dose of Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows – where we discuss the most famous ghostwriter AND the most expensive toaster.

Hear our other work!
• Helen makes The Allusionist, an entertainment show about language, and Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping every episode of Veronica Mars from the beginning. Season two just begun.
• Olly hosts many podcasts, and you can find them all at ollymann.com, including The Week Unwrapped, The Media Podcast and The Modern Mann.
• Martin recently released a bumper new album, which you can hear palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc. You can also join him in contemplating the work of Tom Waits in Song By Song, which has just got to the end of Black Rider.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Buy AMT episodes 1-200, our five special albums, and our Best Of compilations from 2007-2015 at answermethisstore.com.

Send us your QUESTIONS, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis and let us know what YOU’ve got your head stuck in.

We’ll be back with AMT385 on 7 May 2020, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 23 April.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT384 Child-Friendly Rating: 82%. Couple of mild-to-moderate swears but pretty ok overall! •••

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EPISODE 383: the ubiquitous gaze

March 5, 2020

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Filled with lights, portraits, seaside photo boards and, er, dead bodies on display, Answer Me This! Episode 383 is a very visual episode. Of audio. Rifle through your mental Google Images as you hear about topics including:

BOB the Box of Bibles
missing cats
not-missing cats
warring cats
posthumous pants
Las Vegas lights
comic foregrounds/face-in-hole boards/kaohame
portraits’ eyes
and
Jeremy Bentham’s corpse.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows – we learn which shop was the first to offer gift vouchers. And ibuprofen! And gift certificates for ibuprofen?

Hear our other work!

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Buy AMT episodes 1-200, our five special albums, and our Best Of compilations from 2007-2015 at answermethisstore.com.

Send us your QUESTIONS, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT384 on 2 April 2020, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 19 March.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT383 Child-Friendly Rating: 60%. Low in swears, but the final question in the episode is about how to say goodbye to casual hookups so, while the content itself is not explicit, it may raise some awkward queries. •••

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EPISODE 382: cold, damp and full of sinister dolls

February 6, 2020

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We love to hear back from questioneers we have answered in previous episodes, so what a treat to receive a new problem from Andrew from Melbourne, whose mother’s creepy collection of dolls popped up in AMTs 360 and 361! Hear his new difficulty in Answer Me This! Episode 382, as well as:

hotel bed stains
hotel bed graffiti
other uses for the cardboard Kylie cutout
albatross experiences
Ngorongoro Conservation Area
figure skating music
armpit fart music
a spare Book of Mormon
monks’ hairstyles
life coaching
and
fake wild animals.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows – we choose the songs for our Olympic ice skating routine, and yes, Martin the Sound Man is 100% That Wanker.

Valentine’s Day strikes next week, so get yourself in the mood with the AMT Love album: one hour of questions about sex and love and problems therewith, such as squirting, sexy clothes for your mum, and multiple penis holes. It, and all our special albums, and AMT episodes 1-200 are all available at answermethisstore.com.

Hear our other work!

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Send us your QUESTIONS, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT383 on 6 March 2020, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 20 February.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT382 Child-Friendly Rating: 72%. A couple of F-bombs, but no Ripe Content. •••

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EPISODE 381: a stick that slaps

January 9, 2020

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Happy thirteenth birthday to this show! But it’s question-answering business as usual in Answer Me This! Episode 381, with problems including:

public nudity laws
lost/stolen jewels
friendly grinding
death in Thomas the Tank Engine
casserole in your pubes
museum lasers
dry ice
slapstick
trains’ souls
your naked dad
the true meaning of Frubes
and
eggy smell.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows – there’s more about Thomas the Tank Engine, plus Rod Stewart’s train set and Mr Frosty. Did you have one? Should we get one now to fulfil our childhood dreams, or would it only crush those dreams like the ice in its belly?

If you want to hear AMT episodes 1-200, they’re all available at answermethisstore.com, along with our five special albums. In the run-up to Valentine’s Day, how about the AMT Love album for an hour of questions about sex and love and problems therewith?

Hear our other work!

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Send us your QUESTIONS, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT382 on 6 February 2020, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 23 January.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT381 Child-Friendly Rating: 75%. Question about friendship with grinding, but mostly fairly PG. •••

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EPISODE 380: fake beard on top of real beard

December 5, 2019

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Well Spotify just named AMT one of the top podcasts of the decade, so let’s conclude the 2010s as we began them: by answering your questions! Answer Me This! Episode 380 features a feast of such festive treats as:

candy canes
boarding school pranks
turkey trends
Christmas Day in London
artificial Christmas trees vs toilet brushes
Thanksgiving dinner vs Christmas dinner
Pirates of the Caribbean vs squid
getting drunk on brandy sauce
the Snow Buddies puppy tragedy
Mister Ed’s mouth
podcaster baubles
the Serpentine Christmas Day swimming race
fake wine
and
the SPAM Museum.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows – we belatedly celebrate Martinmas! Which has more to do with geese and vintners than echoey-voiced Sound Men, but he’ll take it nonetheless.

How about some more AMT festive-related material? In AMT329, we have a Santa truther child, and the Catalan tradition of the Shitting Log; in AMT357 there’s the filming secrets of Home Alone 2, what happened to the three wise men’s gifts, and what the “new old-fashioned way” is that people are dancing in ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’; in AMT364 we talk about how cranberries are farmed; and in AMT368 we learn about Saint Nicholas’s sidekicks, department store Santas, Jesus and Mary’s relationship, and gift snobbery.

And of course, there’s a whole hour of festive AMT funtertainment in the AMT Christmas album, available at answermethisstore.com for a tiny price. Also there are AMTs 1-200; if you’re looking for a place to start, episodes 160 and 200 sit nicely at this time of year.

Hear our other work!

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

We’ll be back with more AMT in 2020 – the podcast turns 13 (!!) in January, and as our birthday gift we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT381 on 9 January 2020, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 18 December.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT380 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Some Santa Truth business. Discussion of puppy death. Couple of swears.
•••

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EPISODE 379: it’s just tiny jam

November 7, 2019

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After last month’s consideration of the ‘As I Was Going To St Ives’ maths riddle, we receive clarification from the actual Mayor of St Ives! Well, the mayor of a St Ives, Olly still disputes that it’s the St Ives. Also in Answer Me This! Episode 379, we deal with topics including:

fly killing
spider killing redemption
dogs vs children
Cornwall vs Cambridgeshire
the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video vs Shakespeare
the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video vs Hungry Hungry Hippos
the Chapel of St Leger
garlic breath
tiny stolen jams
empathy for wasps
and
the Billboard Video Music Award for the Most Effective Use of Symbolism.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Olly pinpoints the one thing he likes about travelling alone.

Also! ‘Tis the season (or, close enough) to fire up the AMT Christmas special album, which is one hour of festive fun only available from answermethisstore.com/Apple/Amazon. While you’re there, treat yourself to some of our classic episodes, why don’t you?

For more ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ content, listen to Helen’s Allusionist episode Eclipse, which includes some beautiful TEOTH-inspired music by Martin. (Content warning: medical stuff.) The Allusionist is also on tour in North America RIGHT NOW, gig listings are at theallusionist.org/events.

For your media education, listen to Olly host The Media Podcast, as well has his squillion other podcasts.

Martin is releasing four albums of new music this year! Hear them at palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. If you’ve got questions about Christmas, send them to us NOW and not on Boxing Day.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT380 on 5 December 2019, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 20 November.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT379 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Pretty clean – couple of slight swears – but the dynamics of whatever’s happening in the ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ video may give you pause. •••

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EPISODE 378: Baby Lion

October 10, 2019

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As you were going to St Ives, did you meet a man with seven wives + 7x7x7 cats coming FROM St Ives or did you catch up with them as they were also heading TO St Ives? Ugh! Fucking riddles! We face this beast in Answer Me This! Episode 378 plus problems with:

Blue Peter pet SCANDALS
attraction/lack thereof
the Hairy Bikers’ friendship
‘Solomon Grundy’ vs ‘Seven Days
home CCTV
kombucha
and
getting over a lipstick fetishist.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we learn a bit more about naming Baby Lion Toby.

Also!

1. Helen has started a NEW PODCAST! Listen to Veronica Mars Investigations, wherein she and musician/Buffy aficionado Jenny Owen Youngs recap every episode of Veronica Mars from the start.

2. Hear Olly’s new documentary on Archive on Four ‘Please Leave A Message After The Tone‘, all about voicemails.

3. Martin is releasing four albums of new music this year! Hear them at palebirdmusic.com, on the Pale Bird podcast, and on Spotify etc.

4. See Helen and Martin on stage! The Allusionist live tour is landing in cities across North America. Check theallusionist.org/events for listings.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects eg your Oscar-nominated documentary. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT379 on 7 November 2019, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 24 October.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT378 Child-Friendly Rating: 84%. Just a couple of swears; no Rich Content. •••

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EPISODE 377: bear-skin jobber

September 5, 2019

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In Answer Me This! Episode 377, we go looking for jokes in the Bible. It’s…a mixed bag. Plus, these informative amusements:

bull and bear
Quality Street vs Quality Street
job applications vs typos
the Old Testament vs Wes Anderson
secret Jesus vs secret Adele
drying your hands
macaque fossils in NORFOLK
musical morse code clues
evil paper towels
Jonah Man Jazz
Swingin’ Samson
and
tucking a press pass into your hatband.

For more on the whole dead-lion-filled-with-a-beehive story, listen to Episode 191 where we talk about why Tate & Lyle’s Golden Syrup’s spokesmodel is the lion from Samson’s riddle.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we hear about another TV theme with Morse code secrets: to our surprise, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

Listen to Olly’s podcast The Modern Mann, to hear about porn-induced erectile dysfunction and other fascinating human tales! It’s at modernmann.co.uk.

See Helen and Martin on stage! The Allusionist live tour is coming to London this month and then North America. Check theallusionist.org/events for listings; more dates will be added soon.

Also! Helen just started a new podcast: Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping every episode of Veronica Mars from the start. Get it in your podding app and at VMIpod.com.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects eg your Oscar-nominated documentary. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT378 on 3 October 2019, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 19 September.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT377 Child-Friendly Rating: 94%. Clean?! Clean!! •••

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EPISODE 376: there’s nothing more British than a monkey

August 1, 2019

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What do we learn about in Answer Me This! Episode 376 dit dit dah dah dit dit

We learn about Morse code! As well as:

swears in films
the macaques of Gibraltar
Minerva in utero
Olly’s new button jar
visible mending
Scampi Fries
the Tanganyika Groundnut Scheme
sunning your bare torso in your neighbours’ eyeline
BBFC ratings
auditioning your hairdresser
and
pickled eggs.

This month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – contains another Incredible Olly Mann Business Idea. It’s yours if you want it, get ready to rake in the…pennies.

In The Week Unwrapped, Olly hosts discussions about the news you’re not already sick of; in the Allusionist, Helen explains why we use language the way we do in the Allusionist; and Martin the Sound Man sings in The Year of the Bird.

Helen and Martin will also be on at the London Podcast Festival, performing the new live Allusionist show No Title on 14 September and, earlier that day, a recording of the film podcast 90 Minutes or Less, including a screening of a film! Ticket links for all the fixtures are at theallusionist.org/events

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your peanut appreciation society. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT377 on 5 September, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 22 August.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT376 Child-Friendly Rating: 55%. Several swears; this episode would not have received a U rating even in 1986. •••

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EPISODE 375: purgatoy-y

July 4, 2019

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Brace yourselves to witness a crushing defeat: in Answer Me This! Episode 375, Helen is stumped by a question. What could be the topic to outwit her and her googling powers? Must be something pretty major, right?

Riiight.

We also consider:

microwaveable eggs benedict
spaghetti bolognese crisps
online scratchcards
political pincushions
lucky tomatoes
Sherlock Holmes’s cocaine habit
Vin Mariani
the Blue Peter appeal vs Kickstarter
Emma‘s maybe murder vs Drew in Neighbours
noses vs penises
dryer balls vs drier balls
Future Probe
and
cleaning a sieve.

This month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – is a quick update on the Zaltzparents’ microwave situation. It’s hot stuff! Literally.

In The Modern Mann, Olly’s learning how to bust a fake psychic; in the Allusionist, there’s the surprising history of the word bisexual; and Martin the Sound Man’s 2018 diary of songs The Year of the Bird has reached the point where he’s relieved Helen didn’t die last year.

Helen and Martin will also be on at the London Podcast Festival, performing the new live Allusionist show No Title on 14 September and, earlier that day, a recording of the film podcast 90 Minutes or Less, including a screening of a film! Ticket links for all the fixtures are at theallusionist.org/events

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects eg your Oscar-nominated documentary. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT376 on 1 August, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 18 July.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT375 Child-Friendly Rating: 48% . Several swears. A discussion of erections. •••

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EPISODE 374: a single hole in the centre of the face

June 6, 2019

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Greetings, listeners! If you’ve ever wondered how jellyfish eat, shit and fuck, we’ve taken the hit to our search histories to illuminate you in Answer Me This! Episode 374. We also discuss:

microwave cookery
confirmation of the Buckingham Palace in-house (in-palace?) cinema
post-chemo hairdos
Eddie Izzard vs Gerard Butler
many Michaels
green screens vs blue screens vs yellow screens
death by Babybel
sea monkey soup
mug cakes
brownie points
Helen’s gash
Disney’s Spaceship Earth
and
the contents of Ryvita.

In this month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – Olly expresses his wish for an in-house jellyquarium. As long as the jellyfish don’t watch him sleep.

Olly’s other podcast The Modern Mann is back with a new series, and an episode containing New York japes and aerial gymnastics. Find it at modernmann.co.uk – and catch up on the news that you haven’t heard much about on his other other podcast The Week Unwrapped.

Helen and Martin are on tour of Australia with an all new Allusionist live extravaganza! Visit theallusionist.org/events for listings – extra dates have just been added in Adelaide and Melbourne. And wherever you are in the world, 100 – one hundred!! – episodes of The Allusionist await at theallusionist.org for your listening pleasure.

Sing along to Martin the Sound Man’s gap year diary of songs: his new 40-track mega album The Year of the Bird, complete with illustrations and diaries about each song, is being released at palebirdmusic.com.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects, eg your terrifying experiments in fusion food. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

And go behind the money curtain to get AMT episodes 1-200 and our special albums, Sports Day, Holiday, Jubilee, Love and Christmas. OK, maybe wait a few months for Christmas. But this month, Sports Day goes well with the Wimblesport.

For the rest of this month, AMT listeners in the UK can get a free trial of Audible at answermethispodcast.com/audible – or, if you’ve had such a thing before, you can get a spell of half price membership! And remember: 1. for each of you that takes up the trial, Audible gives us a little bit of money, even when you cancel without paying a thing; 2. you can keep your free audiobooks forever.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. (Also the email address to which you can send your requests for us to do the voiceovers on the theme park rides you’re building.)

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT375 on 4 July, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 20 June.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT374 Child-Friendly Rating: 66% . Pretty good until the last few minutes, when there’s a discussion of how jellyfish fuck. •••

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EPISODE 373: a talking beaver

May 2, 2019

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Fire up Answer Me This! Episode 373 and travel round the world on the wings of George Ezra lyrics and/or an evil sled, via the following:

Montjuïc in Barcelona
Olly’s Happy Fork
Helen’s sentient bed
the Queen’s en suite cinema (and post office, and operating theatre)
Slendertone
the new Narnia novel?
The Magician’s Nephew vs Better Call Saul
Dr Klaus Maertens
the Relax-A-Cizor
and
a Tale of Two Seans/Shawns.

If you’re curious to hear Helen and Martin on the Potterless episode they mention, it’s HERE – but be aware, this episode is NOT FOR KIDS, also (unsurprisingly) contains spoilers for the Harry Potter series up to chapter 23 of the Deathly Hallows.

This month’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – is a question from violist Clem about whether concert musicians are more prone to haemorrhoids.

Olly’s other podcast The Modern Mann is back for a new series, which kicks off with an episode ‘Pupil A‘ that Olly says you do not want to miss. Do check the shownotes for content warnings before listening.

Helen and Martin are on tour of New Zealand and Australia with an all new Allusionist live extravaganza! Visit theallusionist.org/events for listings and ticket links to see the show that has been declared ‘good’ by New Zealand’s finest.

Sing along to Martin the Sound Man’s gap year diary of songs: his new 40-track mega album The Year of the Bird, complete with illustrations and diaries about each song, is being released at palebirdmusic.com.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, with which you can easily and quickly set up a good-looking website for your projects eg your Oscar-nominated documentary. Visit squarespace.com/answer and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the discount code ‘answer‘.

This is the last month you AMT listeners in the UK can get a free trial of Audible at answermethispodcast.com/audible – or, if you’ve had such a thing before, you can get a spell of half price membership! And remember: 1. for each of you that takes up the trial, Audible gives us a little bit of money, even when you cancel without paying a thing; 2. you can keep your free audiobooks forever.

As ever, we want your QUESTIONS: send them, in writing or as voice recordings, to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT374 on 6 June, and there’ll be a Retro AMT episode in your feeds on 23 May.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT373 Child-Friendly Rating: 40% . Numerous swears; masturbation references; electric orgasm pants. •••


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