After a refreshing month in the Podcasters’ Rehabilitation Facility, we’re back with springs in our step, twinkles in our eyes, and most importantly (as far as you’re concerned), Answer Me This! Episode 125:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Into which vessel we pour such conversational juices as:
Jason Orange
henbane
Carl Perkins
the Sugababes
John Steinbeck
psoriasis vs. cirrhosis Voodoo Doughnut fail
Boney M x4
Columbia Law School
Duffy by proxy
the truth and Alan Titchmarsh
Rickrolling
deuce (not the band!)
and
the sex life of E.M. Forster.
Plus: Olly opens up a can of whup-ass on a listener who is an even more massive pedant than Helen; Helen yearns one day to be given the sack; and Martin the Sound Man has a practical solution for all you flatulent yoga-practicing types out there.
For more solutions, practical or impractical, to YOUR QUESTIONS, send us an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. If you do that, we can come back next week to answer yet more of your questions, see? How splendid! See you then!
Helen and Olly
PS. Help yourself to a bit of Olly’s birth-song ‘Stand and Deliver’, why don’t you? And head to the comments to tell us what was the Number 1 song on the day you were born, too!
In Episode 119 young Ed from Market Harborough sought our advice regarding his fake girlfriend. They’d only been fake-going out for a week and a half at the time, and she was already causing trouble! We said he should dump the fake-bitch, or that he should say she dumped him.
I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT MY FAKE GF AND WHY I CAN’T DUMP HER!
1) IF I DUMP HER ILL BE A TOTAL PRICK FOR DUMPING HER!
Who cares, Ed – what’s the worst that can happen? Is her fake father going to come round to your house with a baseball bat?
2)IF I SAY SHE’S DUMPED ME THEN I’LL GET JEERED AT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP A GIRL FOR MORE THAN A MONTH
Your friends are probably fresh out of jeers, having expended them all last week when you invented a girlfriend.
3)I CAN’T SAY SHE MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE SHE ALREADY LIVES IN JERSEY
Let’s not forget, Ed – YOU MADE HER UP! YOU put her in Jersey; YOU get her out of there! One of the numerous benefits of fake girlfriends is that they are highly portable, so invent her an interest in South American ferns and send her off to live in a remote part of Chile or something.
Buck up, young man: this is the only relationship you will ever have where she does exactly what you say. The only limit is the breadth of your imagination. Now, go away, and don’t you dare reject our sage advice again until you’ve stopped being such a silly sausage.
***WARNING: This episode contains spoilers
about the 1994 Coen brothers film The Hudsucker Proxy***
Undaunted? Then by all means listen on, but don’t complain to us when you get to the 19th minute and discover that 15-year-old plot twist:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we bang on about:
Philip Larkin’s debut novel
the three second rule
Tom of Finland
Sir Patrick Mayhew
Jason and the Argonauts
Lorraine Kelly, record-breaker
Stephen Fry’s Paperweight
Sir Menzies Campbell
Rick Witter
the Milton Keynes Snow Dome
Vince McMahon
Porthos
urethral openings
raw chicken Brewster’s Millions
and
travelators.
Also: how Olly breaks wind stealthily; how Helen’s congenital squint ruined Up for her; and how bananas work, according to Martin the Sound Man. You’d been wondering for years what secrets those little bastards were concealing, hadn’t you?
As ever we’re greedy for YOUR QUESTIONS, so ask ask ask via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We’re very grateful to all of you who shared your stupid nicknames last week – which everyone else can enjoy here; this week, you have the easy task of leaving a comment with your answer to Jorge from Mexico’s question, telling us what you would like to do for one day and one day only. Nothing too blue, please; the shock could kill us.
Also, if you are planning on doing any pre-Christmas Amazon orders, would you be a tremendous dear and log onto their site via this link first? Your Amazonian shopping experience will be 100% the same; however we will then get approx. £0.0000001, which we can put towards a new microphone, or the high-class courtesan we’ve been saving up for. Much obliged to you.
Contrary to what we said last week about releasing Episode 115 a day late, here we are, on Thursday, with Episode 115 ready to go! Don’t believe us? The evidence awaits your ears:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Paving this week’s boulevard of broken brains are such topics as:
Antoni Gaudí
Wembley stadium
pre-Photoshop trickery
ancient nail-varnish
Durham Cathedral
war games
the Crystal Palace Museum
Fabric vs. fabric
prostitution vs. rental contracts
and
Chapel Carter.
Plus: Olly gives his Top Tips for bloggers; Helen gives her Top Tips for staying awake at Coldplay concerts; and Martin the Sound Man pretends to know about football, confuses Brazil and Mexico, and generally undoes all the good work he’d put in to convincing us all that he’s clever.
As usual, we’re hungry for YOUR QUESTIONS, which you can email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave as a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; but we also really need your help in determining what this week’s final questioneer Reggie should do about his epilepsy/girlfriend/cat/overpriced dog problem. Listen, then please vote:
We’re sure Reggie will appreciate it, and that his girlfriend probably won’t. But hey, democracy can’t please everyone all of the time.
It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:
I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.
1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.
So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?
Do you want to cut your calorie intake without having to reduce the amount of tasty and satisfying food you force down your gullet? This amazing new diet has nothing to do with acai berries, meal substitute shakes or laxatives. How? Find out all about Oliver Mann’s ‘Pacifies as it Satisfies’ regime for FREE by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 110:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Don’t worry; if you already possess an untubby belly and bony thighs, there’s still stuff in this podcast for you. For instance:
Pimp My Ride
meteorological gender inequality
Cernunnos Your Five Gallants by Thomas Middleton
puffa jackets
morning glory The Magician’s Nephew
Rice Krispie cuboids
and
Hurricane Martin.
Furthermore, Olly is a silver-tongued devil for felines; Helen invents the worst party theme ever; and Martin the Sound Man says ‘lady’s vagina’ completely unnecessarily. You’re surprised, I can tell.
Also, you can give everyone a treat by sharing your outstanding stag or hen party horror stories, because you know how we love to live vicariously and hate to get our own feet covered in sick. Stick them in a comment on this post, and maybe in a few years’ time someone will make them into a hilarious and squirm-inducing film.
Help us out, please, listeners! We’ve had a question from Chris from Aldershot which we can’t answer, because none of us know shit about these matters. But perhaps you do, so we put it to you:
Our son is 2, we live in a bit of a scabby area (Aldershot) but want him to attend a better school which is in Farnham.
Answer me this: At what time should we think about putting his name down for the better school in Farnham to stand a better chance of getting him in?
Today’s podcast comes to you in association with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Or rather, through a mulch of Krispy Kreme doughnuts; if only we had heeded our grandmothers’ insistence upon not talking with our mouths full. So we suppose Answer Me This! Episode 103 is a bit like dancing on granny’s grave, only without the danger of stubbing our toes on a headstone:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Plus: Olly tries to get by in Spanish; Helen’s childhood hobbies are some Benjamin Buttons shit; and Martin the Sound Man was, by the sound of it, abducted by aliens and forced to participate in some giant scat pool party. We also warn off the other Oliver Mann and the other Answer Me This.
Moreover! If you stick around till the end of the episode you will hear how Luke from Cambridge set us the challenge to find an apt collective noun for Answer Me This! listeners; if you have any good ideas for such (keep it clean, now!), please comment below; and as ever, do send us your QUESTIONS by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voice message via Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.
Readers, it’s time to get your oar in to this romantic dilemma from Amelia from London:
I have recently started going out with this really nice guy. He is funny, smart and not a generic prat like most of the teenage boys I know.
But there is one problem: he is in the year below me and I keep getting called a cradle snatcher, amongst other things so offensive I dare not put them in this email for fear of upsetting Martin the sound man. So answer me this, What do I do?
Courage, Amelia; we think if you go for option 3, the potential teasing will abate pretty quickly – show no shame, and the haterzzzz really won’t have a great deal to go on. And actually, their reaction might be less bad than you think: thanks to Halle Berry, Demi Moore et al, being a cougar is all the rage these days!
But readers, what do you think? VOTE!
We’ve got an alternative suggestion too, if none of the above work: tell everyone he is in fact two years older than you, but was held back in school because he is very stupid.
Well, what a splendid week it has been, what with this and that, and now the cherry on the cake, the ketchup on the potato waffle, the skin on the cocoa: Answer Me This! Episode 102!
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we discuss such grave matters as:
the perils of pylons The Mousetrap
Piz Buin vs. L’Oreal
happy-slapping
Dennis Hopper snorting tractor-fuel The Crying Game
cucumbers
sunbathing in World War II
minicabs
and
Heathrow Terminal 5.
Plus: Olly yet again proves himself way ahead of the curve, having managed to produce a viral song in 1991; Helen stands up for her religious boundary-crossing relationship; Martin the Sound Man has nobody to play with in the swimming pool; and, unknowingly, Inspector Morse comes to our rescue in a matter of correct spelling. Such a gent.
Despite our recent chart-nontopping success, we’re still staying close to our roots and imploring you to send us your QUESTIONS for future episodes. You can submit them in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message to Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; we’re not fussy.
See you next week,
Helen and Olly
PS. Anyone who doesn’t believe in the festival of the summer, the Peasenhall Pea Festival: below is photographic evidence!
Martin the Sound Man gets ready to rock the Peasenhall Pea Festival
There are more brilliant puns where this came from, would you believe
And welcome to the last episode before we hit triple figures. Next week’s podcast will of course be our Live Super-Festive Snazzy Centenary Extravaganza at the iTunes Festival, but until then there’s Not-Live Non-Festive Moderately Snazzy Nonanovantian Normalaganza, Episode 99:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
To limber up after the month off, we contemplate:
Stanley Kubrick’s stationery
Paul McCartney’s flatmate potential
spreadable butter
sleeve tatts
onion bhajis Apple Barn
Dannii Minogue Jackass
this unconvincingly world-famous restaurant gimmick
messy Kate Nash
and
flesh tunnels.
Plus: Olly talks utter balls about balls; in a tortoise vs. hare-style victory, Helen’s book beats the internet in a race to be informative; and Martin the Sound Man finally builds up a bit of resistance to basic innuendo, although not without some false starts.
We may be getting on, but our tastes haven’t changed: we want YOUR QUESTIONS, and we want them now! Well, not now, but soonish, for the new series. So please gather them and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or deliver with your voice into our answering machine on the other end of 0208 123 5877 or Skype id answermethis.
See you next week, when we will score a podcasting century!
After watching and rewatching clips of Susan Boyle, your ears probably need a bit of a rest from sublime noise, no? Well, we have the perfect thing – Answer Me This! Episode 92:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On this week’s agenda are:
Einstein
hair dye for men
ghost masochists
humane killing tips from Richard Madeley
Richard Feynman
talcum powder
Moses
equine respiratory flaws
E.T.
and
the smell of lemons.
Plus, Olly craves an iPhone (it’s his birthday coming up! Hint hint!); Helen tells you how to combine book preservation with solvent abuse; and Martin the Sound Man proves to be a lot burlier than anyone could have predicted. So watch his new music video or he’ll duff you up, right?
As usual, please send us your QUESTIONS by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; but please also help us settle this question:
first? Your Amazonian shopping experience will be 100% the same; however we will then get approx. £0.0000001, which we can put towards a new microphone, or the high-class courtesan we’ve been saving up for. Much obliged to you.
by Thomas Middleton
Answer Me This! Podcast 