Oh look – problems arise from musicians doing gigs in fans’ houses even when Pete Doherty is not there. See this missive from Alex:
I am a big fan of musician Amanda Palmer. She recently allowed fans to pay $5,000 (around £3,000) for her to come and attend a house party – she comes, plays music, hangs out with you and up to 50 people; much fun is had by all.
I attended one of these parties last week, and have just been approached by somebody else I know, who is holding one in October, and has a spare space if I want to attend. With the number of people attending, it will cost me £85 – an equal portion of the $5,000.
BUT, this $5,000 also includes a bunch of other merchandise – which was available to buy separately for a total of about £1,000.
I asked the person who paid for the party about this ‘extra merchandise’, and she informed me that she just kept all of the extra stuff, because she had paid for the package using her dad’s life insurance money. She deemed this fair because if he hadn’t died nobody would be able to go.
So, answer me this – is it right for her to do this? Essentially getting almost £1,000 worth of merchandise and tickets for free? Or am I right in thinking that, since the things were worth £1,000 she should do the same as the party I attended, and only charge the guests about £2,000 – costing about £40-50 each?
Readers, what do you make of this? Chip in in the comments.
“Is it right?” Eh… Not especially, but on the other hand, your friend took the financial risk of a $5,000 outlay without knowing that she’d definitely recoup most of it. Furthermore, I think that choosing to spend £1,000 on the merch is different to receiving merch worth £1,000 as part of a whole package you’re buying. In your friend’s mind, the £1,000 of merch is probably not worth £1,000 actual money. So the fair thing to do would be for her to divide the merch amongst the fifty gig attendees, wouldn’t it?
If, however, you feel that a segment of Amanda Palmer vinyl is not making up your financial shortfall: bear in mind your friend is supplying the party venue. Your challenge is to eat £1,000-worth of party snacks.
Good morning, you lazy bastards! One listener called Martin has been up and at ’em since earlytimes, because before this post even went up, he tweeted us with a solution to one of the problems discussed in Answer Me This! Episode 267: Josh, who is trying to watch racy HBO shows on his iPad at the gym without feeling ashamed, needs to get one of these. Wallop! Problem solved.* And what have you done lately, eh?
Don’t worry, you don’t really need to do very much at all, except listen to the episode, of course:
We also consider:
spiders Victor David Brenner
SculptureShop
Thomas Jefferson vs. Mariah Carey
Olly’s dad vs. DVDs
corrupt bakers
Theresa May: monarchical midwife À la recherche du temps perdu
madeleines
Farter’s Day
the definition of virginity
and
Richard Nixon.
Plus, each of us is ready for combat this week: Olly provokes a rematch of the Battle of Agincourt, but this time over French cakes versus English cakes; Helen wages war against cliché; and Martin the Sound Man takes a shoot-to-kill policy on spiders and whelks.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, learn how to decorate your home in the Olly Mann style: with squashed moths. Or, if you prefer slightly less morbid things on your walls, you could get the AMT clock that he mentions in the show. That’s right: Olly Mann’s clockface is his own face. We’re still working on turning Helen’s face into a sundial.
While we do that, you should work on sending us your QUESTIONS. It’s easy: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Bam. Job done.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT267 Child-Friendly Rating: 50%. Just a couple of swears. Question about sex scenes in HBO shows. Graphic mental image of Jack Straw staring up a royal birth canal. Question about virginity at the end of the show with, naturally, references to sexual practices, albeit thoughtful rather than lairy in tone.
However, at the time of posting, the creature hasn’t actually been born, so try to keep a lid on that ROYAL BABY EXCITEMENT for long enough to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 263:
Plus: Olly’s money-based conjuring tricks weren’t fooling anyone; if Helen’s guess is correct and the ROYAL BABY receives the same middle name as Diana, Frances (Francis for a boy), then everybody has to give her £10 in congratulation; and Martin the Sound Man knows where to go in the event of nuclear apocalypse in the middle of Europe.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, we harp on about Royal Baby Krispy Kreme. No, we haven’t had a heads-up that the baby will be named Krispy Kreme Kambridge (but if it IS, you definitely have to give us all £10); we’re talking about this shit.
But…if you are absolutely desperate to piss away money on some spurious tie-in with the ROYAL BABY, then the AMT Jubilee is obviously the best direction in which to piss. And we have no qualms about recommending our SMASH HIT TOP 15 ALBUM Answer Me This! Holiday.
Also, please do send us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT263 Child-Friendly Rating: 90%. Minimal swearing and a fair amount of educational content, but one question about a listener’s sexual dalliances and the psychologically damaging actions of his girlfriend’s parents, which some children may find troubling.
‘Money lent to a friend will be recovered from an enemy,’ says whoever it is who sits in the back rooms of Hallmark who composes depressing proverbs that they can’t use in the mainstream greetings cards. And two AMT listeners have lately discovered this first-hand. Elly, a first year student in London, writes:
When I first started university last September I mostly hung out with the people from my halls including a trip to the OXO Tower bar around Christmas.
I paid for the whole table on my card, so we weren’t sat there dividing it all up, and I then calculated exact amounts including service charge which everyone paid back… except one.
When I asked him for the £15 (he spent the least on the table therefore is a stingy nob anyway) he said that I claimed he didn’t have to pay me back because he did me a favour that night (can’t remember what it was, I think get my phone back from someone, anyhow).
After we discussed this I said he could pay me back half after some argument. I don’t think this is fair, I paid for him and he is refusing to pay me back, regardless of whatever cocktail-induced deal I made.
It’s now been several months and I have seen nothing of the £8 let alone £15 he actually owes me despite me mentioning it several times.
I know it’s only £15 but I’m totally skint and I don’t like the fact he hasn’t paid me. We move out of halls in early June and I know I won’t see him afterwards because I don’t really hang out with those uppity ‘let’s spend our student loan in an expensive bar to look cool’ types.
What do I do?!
What do you do? Grit your teeth, forget about it and try to move on. Although you need the money, and it is rightfully yours, he’s obviously not going to give it to you, and it’ll cost you more than you’ve already lost to take him to the small claims court. And remember, although Shylock kind of had a point, he’s not exactly the good guy in The Merchant of Venice, is he?
Readers, if you disagree, go to the comments and give Elly advice for retrieving her lost dosh. While you’re there, perhaps you could also counsel Adam in Nottingham:
I recently went to an ice hockey game with a few friends. I offered to buy the tickets in advance and was happy to get the money on the day.
After buying the tickets, one of my friends said he now couldn’t go. I offered to try to sell the ticket for him, but wasn’t able to. On the day of the game I texted him and said, ‘You owe me for the ticket.’
On arrival at the match I noticed a massive queue of people waiting to buy tickets. I choose a guy at random and he agreed to buy my ticket. I offered him a couple of quid discount as a goodwill gesture. I then texted my mate again, telling him that I had managed to sell his ticket and that he only owed me the £2 I discounted (knowing full well that I was unlikely to see this).
When the rest of my friends arrived I told them what had happened; they said that I shouldn’t have told my friend that I’d sold his ticket, I should have got the cash from him AND kept the additional money from the man in the queue.
So answer me this:
Was I right to let my friend know that he didn’t owe me the full amount or should I have kept quiet, congratulating myself on a good bit of business?
Are all my friends out to rip me off? Am I really that naive?
Or can I take the high road, knowing I did the right thing?
You didn’t exactly do the right thing, did you? You just didn’t do the worst thing. While you may have exercised goodwill towards a random stranger, but you did rather pettily ask your friend for the £2, knowing that he was unlikely to pay it and also that it would hardly make a difference to your finances if he did; so I can only believe that your motive for bothering to mention the £2 was to make him feel a little guilty. Or, more likely, pissed off.
But since £2 is not a sum worth souring a friendship over, I have to wonder what your real beef is with this friend – not to mention your other ones as well! If you ever find yourself asking, ‘Are all my friends out to rip me off?’, your immediate follow-up question should be, ‘Where shall I find some replacement friends?’
If you like, you can test them by dropping a £2 coin on the floor then seeing whether they pick it up and return it to you, or slyly pocket it. But I warn you, Adam, it’ll be a lonely life.
We kept the picture of this monster small, but click on it to see the big version. But BEWARE, it may make you spit out your breakfast. But, believe it or not, someone wishes to own this bear SO MUCH that it has caused a rift in a friendship. Hear all about it in Answer Me This! Episode 253:
Today we discuss:
summer jobs
summer camp
rat poison
Australia’s bush capital
Helen vs. Michael Jackson Refreshers vs. Refreshers Crash vs. Crash dying and decaying alone
handmade cheques
funfair capitalism
the sword in Disney’s stone
and
lobster hunting.
Plus: Olly is all about the winning, not the taking part; from humble childhood aspirations, Helen grew up into this (warning: disturbing); and Martin the Sound Man seems upset that Kids These Days prefer Nemo to Pinocchio. Nobody likes a fibber, Martin.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), Olly describes how the late Margaret Thatcher out-Beadled the late Jeremy Beadle. Maybe he pranked her back in the 80s and this was her comeback. What a pair!
As usual, we invite you to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. From those, more AMT will be begotten.
Reader, feel free to go to the comments to answer the following question from Anon; alternatively, charge five people £20 each to answer it on your behalf. For Anon asks a question of pyramid schemes:
Can you please advise on the best way to explain to a family member that the new venture that they are incredibly excited about is CLEARLY a pyramid scheme and that they will never see a return on the thousands of pounds that they have already pumped into it?
Other family members seem happy to go along with it because it is making the person in question happy at the moment, but this is infuriating as I feel something needs to be said. The trouble is I have been known to have a condescending demeanour on issues such as this and I don’t want to be horrible, so I need some help!
If you really don’t want to be horrible, how about ignoring your relation’s business follies and instead concentrate on your own anger issues, hmmm?
Anyway, the time to have discouraged them from joining a pyramid scheme would have been BEFORE they ‘invested’ thousands of pounds in it. Now it’s too late, you might as well shut up, sit back and enjoy watching the disillusionment set in.
Here’s a question of cash from Dave from Australia, where the banknotes are made of plastic so you don’t kick yourself for leaving a tenner in your trouser pocket when you put them through the wash. Dave says:
A mate of mine went on a holiday in the UK, when he returned he had a one pound coin in his jacket pocket.
He noticed this coin had some writing on the edge.
So answer me this:
What does this writing mean? Is it on all of your coins or just the one pound?
As all Brits are fluent in Latin, we know that the slogan ‘Decus et tutanem’* which appears on the edge of a pound means ‘An ornament and a safeguard’: the writing is ornamental, because otherwise the edge of the pound might look boring; and historically it was also a safeguard, as people used to shave metal off the edges and sell it on, back when coins were still made of precious metals. Though nowadays a pound coin is not worth that much, and a few tiny scrapings off the edge will not attract many bids on eBay, we still have not altered this system. It’s surely only a matter of time before there are advertising slogans around there.
There is only writing on the £1 and £2 coins, as the others are not thick enough to have much good reading around the sides. On the £2 coin it says ‘Standing on the shoulders of giants’, in tribute to the fourth album by that most British of bands, Oasis.
If you are enthralled by the subject of the £2 coin and crave more, I direct you to AMT166.
*Yes, Wales and Scotland, I know you have regional variants, but let’s not force Dave to run before he can walk.
And, do not forget, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 249 as well:
Today we discuss:
tweed
Michael Jackson’s umbrella
chopsticks
Gaelic warlords
pipe-smoking
tax trends
The Fugitive vs. fairytales
Harold Wilson vs. Gandalf
lockers
the goddess Ériu
Toronto, Kansas
chopsticks
and
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.
Plus: teenage Olly was the lovelorn Bard of txtspk; Helen is going to spend the AMTbreak in Scotland investigating The Mystery of the Missing Sweet and Sour Pork Balls; and Martin the Sound Man won’t sacrifice choice for convenience when it comes to the specific heat capaity of his toast toppings.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), we delve further into Chris from Lewes’s question about combining butter with other spreadable substances. Perhaps he’s just ahead of his time! Or perhaps he really is just unbelievably lazy.
You, however, ought not be so lazy that you fail to send us your QUESTIONS for the next series. Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Give us something great with which to celebrate AMT250, because we can’t afford a marching band.
NO DON’T TELL US. Tell nobody. Find that impulse that lurks deep within yourself to vocalise your opinions upon a matter so boring, so mundane, so underwhelming an indicator of anything interesting about your character; find it, then destroy it.
Then listen to Answer Me This! Episode 248:
Today we ponder upon:
Flu Camp
pregnancy disguises
Stevenage slush puppies (not a euphemism)
Ming Dynasty toilet paper
Joseph Gayetty
posh Pot Noodles
domestic rubbish vs. commercial rubbish
London, UK vs. London, Ontario
figure skating vs. Dancing On Ice
Tiny Toronto
and Sergey Brin hiding in the bushes.
Plus: Olly’s lukewarm about Google Glass, but looking forward to the installation of his Google Womb; Helen believes the empire waist to be an offence to waists (and empires); and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t like the principles of Ayn Rand, he just looks like he does.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Poppy wondering why Skittles’ latest ad campaign is targeting the people-who-eat-bodily-growths market. Cheer up, Poppy; at least they’re not suggesting you wipe your bottom with Skittles then tell them about it.
Tell us your QUESTIONS, though: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Then treat yourself to a free Audible audiobook as a reward. OK, you can have one anyway, for being so well-behaved (and because we receive a bit of lovely money for each of you who has one; let’s not be coy about it).
Happy new year, listeners! Behold the first podcast of 2013, Answer Me This! Episode 241:
Today we talk of:
Paul Merton
manatee poo
summer lovin’
Jools Holland’s personal Portmeirion
gingerbread houses vs. Grand Designs
the Brand New Heavies
birth days
car calorie counting Tweet
Kate Middleton’s trendsetting womb
Tulisa’s titillating tape
Anne Hathaway’s minge
New Year’s purges
and
timberrrrrrrrr!
Plus: Olly is a bit disappointed by a big fake clock; Helen does not want your gifts, nor does she deserve them; and Martin the Sound Man sets Jay Kay a parsimonious budget so that he can stretch his acid jazz fortune a little further without skimping on treats.
Further to our royal foetus discussion, in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we deliberate over which royal we’d choose to have a baby with – because if and when that opportunity rises, you do want to have given it proper consideration beforehand. Otherwise you might end up co-parenting with Prince Michael of Kent. Nobody wants that.
What we DO want are QUESTIONS for the new year. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Hey guys! Remember when we…? And that time when…? And that thing where…? Ah, good times. So many good times! Please join us in reliving half of them in The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part I:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we reacquaint ourselves with such beloved old friends as:
The Elves and the Shoemaker
Fabio and Fabio
Hong King Disney
nurse fantasies
the Elgin Marbles
PATP
the seawater cure
Will.I.Am’s nursery rhymes
Pink Lady apples
sexy snowgirls
mad neighbours
bloody Big Bird and dead Kes
Helen’s childhood crush on Inspector Morse
Olly’s kidney
and
Martin the Sound Man’s blue girlfriend.
Plus: drunk callers! Parping! D*ve from Sm*thw*ck!!! And if you enjoyed the assemblage of previously unheard material, ie the blooper reel, you can hear more of that sort of thing every week if you obtain the AMT app for your iDevices and Android.
Join us again next Thursday for the second half of our annual retrospective, and do also supply us with QUESTIONS for AMT 2013. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
With just days to go until Hallowe’en, many of you have been writing to ask what costume you should opt for. Here’s our one-size-fits-all solution:
1. Wrap yourself in a duvet;
2. Go to bed until November 1st.
While you’re there, drown out the sound of trick or treaters ringing your doorbell by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 234:
Today we consider:
Citizen Kane
the classic Charlie’s Angels remake Green Jelly (nee Jello)
doughnuts vs. douchebags
strumpets vs. crumpets
Brian May’s badger sanctuary
William of Orange’s pet pugs
tribute bands
hipster combovers
psychoanalysis of Agatha Christie
Fratzos: matzos for frat boys
Leonardo DiCaprio lookalikes
the hard lives of fake Posh’n’Becks
Ann Widdecombe
the mystery of the Rolling Stones’ hair
and
The Mystery of Hercule Poirot’s Pants.
Plus: Olly finally finds a TV show to enjoy when he’s alone in business hotels; Helen does not think this is cute, at all; and Martin the Sound Man won’t think much of Django Reinhardt impersonators unless they burn off their fingers.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly digs up a big mistake Universal made, back in the day when Mickey Mouse was still just a rabbit, and Norman Bates was still just a motelier.
Make no mistake: we want your QUESTIONS so we can make more episodes of AMT. So email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Answer Me This! Podcast 