The last AMT recording in the show’s birthplace and home (also Helen and Martin’s home)
Well, this is it: the final episode to be recorded at the Zaltzwick homestead, at the housewarming party of which Olly came up to Helen and asked her to do a podcast. You know what happened next…
If you DON’T know what happened next: a shitload of episodes. Including the latest, Answer Me This! Episode 337, in which we discuss:
tandems
Native American food
fingerprints
coconut oil
what to drink with your kebab The Beef and Dairy Network
celebrity soap opera cameos breaking down the fourth wall
planting evidence
oil pulling
and
reading mum’s diary.
Plus: how The Archers affects Olly’s libido; how soup repels Helen more than a plateful of brains; how Martin the Sound Man ruins/elevates a future episode of Miss Marple.
Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Kirsty from Edinburgh about The Casket and Sunnyside magazine, formerly the number 1 toilet read for the funeral industry. Get the app on your Apple, Android and Windows devices. For further audio, treat yourself to a free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.
We forgot to mention that today’s intermission is from AMT121; get it, or any of AMTs 1-200, from answermethisstore.com. You’ll find our albums there as well; the Olympic Times are also the AMT Sports Day Times, and Summer Holiday Times are also the Answer Me This! Holiday Times. But both of those albums still work if you shun the Olympics and/or holidays.
To send us questions for future episodes, email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and leave us a voicemail by Skyping answermethis or calling 0208 123 5877. Did you recognise the songs in Thom from Pennsylvania’s supercut of the phone jingle? They were:
0 – Maneater by Hall and Oates
2 – Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
0 – Wake Up by Arcade Fire
8 – Too Late by Carole King
1 – One by Three Dog Night
2 – Just the Two of Us by Bill Withers
3 – Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad by Meatloaf
5 – 8675309 by Tommy Tutone
double – Double Trouble by Lynyrd Skynyrd
7 – Seven by Prince
••• AMT337 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. Are there any swears in this episode at all? There is a non-graphic question about sex, that may tip a child off to the fact that their parent may have had it. But they have to acknowledge this sooner or later. •••
Here’s some relief for questioneers from the past couple of episodes.
E-J writes:
In AMT313 you had a letter from a vet student who is allergic to animals and is concerned about whether or not she should continue training.
I’ve been a registered veterinary Nurse for over 10 years and have worked with many vets who are allergic to animals – it is a very common problem and they just take antihistamines daily and are ok. One vet I worked with was so allergic he had to wear gloves all the time as well, but he was an extreme case.
I have also worked with vets who are phobic about certain animals, and we have had to lock them in their consulting rooms until the animal of their phobia has left the building so it can’t get to them!
Seems like an imprudent choice of profession for an animal-phobe, but maybe they were trying immersion therapy.
Jon writes:
For the lady in AMT314 who encouraged her colleague to join her in training for a cycling event what she should do use a tip used by runners with a similar challenge.
Both (or more) cyclists start from the same point on an agreed route. After a set amount of time, they all turn around wherever they are on the route and head back to the start point. Assuming an even pace, all participants should finish at the start point at the same time. The challenge for participants is to cycle further on the outward leg and still win the return leg.
If done correctly, the final stages of the training session will always be exciting for all participants.
Exciting? To zoom back from the halfway point only to be stuck behind all the slowpokes for the triumphal final straight? Blood will be spilt.
Have you ever nicked a little something to remind you of a holiday? We’ve got a nice china cup pinched from a plane and YOU’LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE, BRITISH AIRWAYS. What’s yours? One listener’s stolen souvenir came with fond memories and twenty years of guilt. Find out what and why in Answer Me This! Episode 314:
Today we tackle:
tinfoil hats
dumping your training-buddy
same-sex kisses
concierges Kendal Mint Cake vs transubstantiation royal tins of travel sweets vs the unstoppable march of time
stealing from castles vs pissing in a stream
the silent film Wings
a Milton Keynes-themed bar
heritage crime The Grand Budapest Hotel IRL
mummy and daddy
1995
and
giraffe heads.
Plus: though Olly prefers men to machines, he would prefer men to act like machines; Helen wouldn’t tune into a livestream of Princess Middleton giving birth; and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t have high hopes for his fellow academics on the ski slopes, unless the hopes are for a mild sprain rather than a broken arm.
As an addendum to the question about same sex kisses in films, today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows devices) concerns the lost lesbians of Love Actually. Yes, they actually left material OUT of that sprawling collage of human emotions.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Generous!
We’ll return on 28th May 2015 with AMT315, prepare your tinfoil headphones.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT314 Child-Friendly Rating: 85%. Content clean. Swearing inventory: 2x ‘fuck’, 1x ‘shit’. 5% is deducted for each. •••
Martin the Sound Man sports a tinfoil hat at AMT100
Before you read the following piece of listener feedback about last week’s Tour de France chat, consider this: which outfit better behoves the King of the Mountains?
This:
Or this?
I think I’ve made my point. You may continue, Sammy from Pocklington:
I was disappointed to hear Olly mockingly describe Le Tour’s polka-dot jersey as “a consolation prize.”
Whilst the yellow jersey for best general classification is the most esteemed, the King of the Mountains jersey is far from being a consolation and is an very prestigious stand-alone category. It requires huge strength and effort to amass a winning amount of points over some of the toughest and most demanding challenges in world sport.
In fact, your general tone when discussing Le Tour (and other sports in previous podcasts) leads me to ask – why the hell do you hate sport so much?
I can’t speak for Olly, but I’d guess that he started out indifferent, then this was calcified into active dislike by the expectation of Society that he, as a man(n), must give a shit about it.
In my case, you might interpret it as a rebellion against my background; for I grew up bloody well surrounded by sport. Every other member of my family is a sports enthusiast. Of rugby and cricket was the majority of discourse formed. The soundtrack of Sunday lunch was the insidious whine of the Grand Prix buzzing in from the television left on in the other room so that my dad could pop out to check the progress of the race every few minutes. All summer, the living room curtains were closed so the sun didn’t strike the TV screen while my brother was watching cricket. In autumn, there was the interminable wait for the end of the football scores being announced so people could check their pools; the prospect of watching telly that was actually entertaining telly seemed impossibly distant. The injustice stung that we were never, ever allowed to watch television in the morning, but my dad could, as long as it was athletics. My spine even now spasms involuntarily at the unmistakable tone of football commentary: the unmodulated sub-shout. And I still think it’s unfair that so many quiet pub suppers have been ruined by big screen sport – but NEVER big screen films or sitcoms or YouTube playlists or David Attenborough programmes.
Also, people take sport too seriously. Especially YOU, football fans. Don’t start fights or let your mood be dinted by a loss, because… it’s just a game! No, it is.
It really DEFINITELY is.
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE TORTURE OF OUR FORMATIVE YEARS THAT WAS SCHOOL SPORTS.
So there are a few reasons for you to chew on, Sammy. But perhaps you’ll be placated to hear that we both managed to swallow our natural antipathy for long enough to record the Answer Me This! Sports Day album. We don’t mind sport so much if we can use it to fund the show, as it turned out.
However, at the time of posting, the creature hasn’t actually been born, so try to keep a lid on that ROYAL BABY EXCITEMENT for long enough to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 263:
Plus: Olly’s money-based conjuring tricks weren’t fooling anyone; if Helen’s guess is correct and the ROYAL BABY receives the same middle name as Diana, Frances (Francis for a boy), then everybody has to give her £10 in congratulation; and Martin the Sound Man knows where to go in the event of nuclear apocalypse in the middle of Europe.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, we harp on about Royal Baby Krispy Kreme. No, we haven’t had a heads-up that the baby will be named Krispy Kreme Kambridge (but if it IS, you definitely have to give us all £10); we’re talking about this shit.
But…if you are absolutely desperate to piss away money on some spurious tie-in with the ROYAL BABY, then the AMT Jubilee is obviously the best direction in which to piss. And we have no qualms about recommending our SMASH HIT TOP 15 ALBUM Answer Me This! Holiday.
Also, please do send us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT263 Child-Friendly Rating: 90%. Minimal swearing and a fair amount of educational content, but one question about a listener’s sexual dalliances and the psychologically damaging actions of his girlfriend’s parents, which some children may find troubling.
Thankyou for waiting patiently for Answer Me This! Episode 173 while Olly disports himself on a spa break. You’ll be pleased to know he is now fully refreshed, like a man half his age, albeit one with the hobbies of a woman twice his age. Anyway, without further ado, on to the episode:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Ruining the serene majesty of silence is chitchat about:
the 2011 census mystery
Nigerian spammers
the All Seeing I
Rapa Nui pissing contests
c@fes
the 1872 Licensing Act
Sir Neville Francis Fitzgerald Chamberlain
self-proclaimed Jedis
Mr Punch vs. fruit punch
prehistoric vs. historic
Buffy vs. rabbits
jujitsu vs. bridge
Pyramid Pool vs. Life Pool
i- vs. e- 2001 – A Space Odyssey vs. Snog Marry Avoid Kane Kramer
self-defence in Ikea
mobility scooters
outside toilets
and
the old man’s coconut.
Plus: if Olly ever decides to take a wife, the lucky lady in question must gird herself for a truly alarming musical interlude on their wedding day; Helen debases herself to try to wangle a replacement iPod; and Martin the Sound Man gives the worst advice we’ve ever heard about saving yourself being savaged by a dangerous dog. Barbara Woodhouse will be spinning in her grave. Happily, however, she’ll be jiving in her grave when she hears the song Martin has dropped on his latest podcast – go along to thesoundoftheladies.com then to listen to it! And go along to your own iPhone or Android device for this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, in which we go from snooker legend Robbie O’Sullivan to Hanson in two easy steps (those steps being the Searchers and the Zombies).
Now take a deep breath and enjoy some good news week – not only this latest addition to our wall of certificates, but also the recommencement of our Audible freebie offer! Go to answermethispodcast.com/audible to get yourself free and half-price audiobooks, because Audible seem quite keen for you to drain them dry. Ours not to reason why.
Having done that, please send us your QUESTIONSfor next week: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Then take a refresher course in snooker ballshideous novelty songs of the 1980s:
Are you keeping calm? Are you carrying on? Because this week, in Answer Me This! Episode 164, we wonder how a morale-boosting WWII poster spawned all of this shit (nb by ‘this shit’ we don’t mean the episode here):
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
But before we get onto that, we talk of:
the G6 Summit
Bruce Wayne’s toilet Jingle All the Way
Muffin the Mule
bingo wings before bingo wings
kleftiko
Levi Strauss
Tinie Tempah
Club Med vs. opera
synergy vs. symbiosis
pranks vs. sexual harassment Tape
the fresh air suburb
domesticity, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-style
Groupon’s discount slaves
Shingai Shoniwa cutlets
and
bat guano.
Furthermore: Olly sees what could have happened to X Factor alumni G4, given a Sliding Doors-style alternative existence; Helen scripts Downton Abbey without ever having seen it; and if you catch Martin the Sound Man scrutinising your crotch when you’re at a public urinal, don’t worry – he’s just conducting a survey. At least, that’s his story, m’lud.
And if that weren’t bad enough news for your genitals, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a cautionary tale of how if you go orienteering, you’ll most likely get a stinging nettle on your reproductive organs. Heed that warning on iPhone or Android. Those of you with elderly phones, just remember to keep your pants on AT ALL TIMES. For nature can be so cruel.
Happily, you don’t have to keep your pants on in order to ask us QUESTIONS: all you have to do is send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or Skyping answermethis.
Actually, it would be better if you kept your pants on. Sorry. We’ve got such sensitive constitutions.
See you next Thursday!
Helen and Olly
PS. If you’ve ever done anything particularly G6-like yourself, by all means show off about it in the comments.
RT @HelenAndOlly: 🎵I gotta question
📧Email your question
Our inbox closes TODAY for our Easter special. If you've been sitting on a questi… 1 week ago
🎵I gotta question
📧Email your question
Our inbox closes TODAY for our Easter special. If you've been sitting on a… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…1 week ago
Answer Me This! Podcast 