Exciting news: Martin’s got a new album coming out on Saturday! Go here to preview three of the tracks and to buy; it’s £5 to preorder but pay what you want when it is released. Or, if you are a retronaut who prefers your music on a physical format, wait a couple more weeks and then buy one of the forthcoming limited-edition CDs with a handmade papercut sleeve (if you follow Martin on Instagram, you may have seen some sneak peeks).
There’s a new news-themed episode of the Sound Women podcast, in which Olly’s LBC colleague Petrie Hosken tells me how she felt safer nearly getting kidnapped as a war correspondent in Bosnia than as a woman working in British radio. Good times!
Apparently there’s been some Royal News this week? [Shrug] It’s an ongoing mystery at AMT that none of us give a shit about the royal family, and yet questions about them are always fruitful on the podcast. So whether you give shits or not, have a go on the Answer Me This! Jubilee album for an hour of regal hijinks.
Noises from elsewhere:
The show Strangers is always worth your time, but particularly the recent Love Hurts episodes (part 1 and part 2), in which Lea Thau transforms the question ‘Why are you single?’ from an awful thing Smug Marrieds say to a very personal and reflective investigation into why she has been reluctantly single for the past four years. At least, judging by the exes who appear on the show, she’s dated some Good Sports during that time…
From Strangers to friends: I really enjoyed this Woman’s Hour/Men’s Hour collaboration all about friendship. Of course, they cover the When Harry Met Sally adage that men and women can’t be friends, which Olly and I have been disproving throughout our fourteen-year friendship. If you need additional on-air partnerships as evidence, I direct you to the programme’s guest Geoff Lloyd, whose brilliant Hometime Show on Absolute Radio with Annabel Port crackles with sexless tension.
And finally: I was thrilled to hear two AMTpals and primo podcasters team up, when Little Atoms‘ Neil Denny went on Dave Pickering‘s Getting Better Acquainted. They talk about reading books, prayer, and masturbation – all the solitary entertainments, really.
I’m always listening out for shows to try; please recommend some in the comments.
PS In case you missed it: my Bugling brother Andy and I were interviewed by the Guardian about why the Zaltzman family communicates in jokes rather than human emotions. Click here to read it.
Another listener has found herself in a sex pickle. Inger writes:
When my last relationship ended after two years, I decided to do some proper dating (following an acceptable period of “grief”, of course) and a few weeks into the dating life I found myself dating two men regularly at the same time. One of these men was around 25 years older than me and the other my own age, and as I am a honest person I told both men that I was dating the other.
After about 6 weeks I went to the older man’s house for dinner, and as I arrived he was still cooking (a fantastic three-course meal) so I wandered around in his house looking at pictures and trinkets he had in his shelves. I reached a shelf with photos of him and a little boy, I figured it was his son (whom I did not know about) and as I moved along the shelf the little boy grew older and to my horror I realized (about mid-shelf) that it was the other man I was dating.
I sat through the whole dinner knowing that I was dating his son as well and then came up with the fastest excuse to get me out of there. So, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what is the hell do I do now?
Firstly, Inger, check you’re not starring in a sitcom.
Secondly, find some other people to date and discard both of these men immediately. Unless you want your life to turn into an actual farce, you don’t want to keep seeing one of them in case the relationship becomes serious and you have to endure a hideous meeting-the-family scenario – and all the subsequent meetings with the family forever after. And really, would you be able to cavort sexually with either of them again without being beset by such thoughts as, “Hey, my other lover came out of those very nuts!” or, “That’s not as big as his dad’s”?
Don’t worry about them too much, they can comfort each other.
Readers, what would you do? Become celibate? Keep this set-up going? Sell your story to Chat magazine? Elaborate in the comments.
Here’s a question from an anonymous 22-year-old lady from Boston:
I am a bisexual young lady who has just moved to Boston. As is unremarkable for someone of my generation and sexual appetite, I have an online dating profile on OKCupid.
To put it bluntly, I fulfil societal standards of beauty. I modelled for some years. I get asked out on this website multiple times a day – and usually decline because of disinterest (more often then not because a lot of men here fetishise my race).
Here’s the kicker. I am a dedicated to animal welfare and also the promotion of sex education – in a land where the Republicans have slapped their sexually suppressed balls all over the school system.
Answer me this: should I start accepting dates from people I’d usually be disinterested in if the man/woman sends me a screenshot of a donation to the ASPCA/Planned Parenthood? e.g. ’50 bucks to support birth control for poor women, and let’s go for drinks!’
I am a broke graduate without much money to support these organisations myself, but I can help in other ways than volunteering, right? Does this count as prostitution?
What do you reckon, readers? Would our anonymous hottie exchanging her company for charitable donations be smart altruistic leverage of the current situation, or would the people paying for the dates merely think they’re getting an escort for an unusually good price? Express your opinions in the comments (£10 to Marie Curie Cancer Care per comment).
At the very least, if she does do this, the questioneer would be guaranteed to be featured in an article on Jezebel. They can’t get enough of datingexperimentstories.
It seems you lot have mixed experiences of cheap dates. Jess, 21, from West London, seems quite positive:
In AMT290, Alan from Dublin asked about the use Groupon Vouchers on dates. I thought I’d throw in my two cents as someone who likes to feel like they’re being made a fuss of, but also like they’re not taking the piss – make it clear it’s a groupon voucher, but go for something a bit wacky date-wise! “How would you like to go Go-Karting this weekend? I got a groupon voucher and I thought it would be fun” type thing. That way it doesn’t sound cheap and it comes across as a more inventive date than the run of the mill “dinner and a movie” type crap.
Gen from Adelaide, however, is not so keen:
You talked this week about the appropriateness of using vouchers to purchase two-for-one meal deals on dates? We have similar schemes here in Oz, and can be quite handy, if a group of friends are going out for a meal. My sister sent me on a blind date with one of her colleagues a few years ago, and the ‘gentleman’ in question took me to a semi-posh cafe for lunch. He said he would pay for the meals in a kind of a ‘aren’t I the magnanimous one’ way and then proceeded to pull out his voucher book.
Hmmm, I thought, that’s unusual. Then, to avoid any awkwardness, I went up and got the drinks, and also paid for the coffees at the end, which cost about $30. I won’t bore you with the in-between bits, suffice to say that I had to listen to the guy talk about himself non-stop for two hours.
At the end, I happened to glance at the receipt from the meals, and realized that he’d only spent about $18. By the time we got back to my house, it was all I could do to stop myself jumping out of the car and running inside and locking all of the doors and windows – he was clearly expecting a little ‘afternoon delight’ – and unsurprisingly we never met again. So, if you want to impress a woman on a first date, I say a definite ‘no!’ to the use of restaurant vouchers.
It’s a bit unfair to blame that on the vouchers rather than the boring talk – but perhaps that is a valuable lesson to absorb: even if the meal is heavily discounted, the chat action should still be 100%.
Also, producing a voucher BOOK is far from suave. In the same non-sexy vein as pulling out a pocket calculator to determine your exact share of the bill.
Readers, answer me this: what IS the best way to impress somebody on a cheap date? I’ll buy 30% of a coffee for the person who gives the best advice.
Victoria Beckham’s jumpsuit, from listener Bee’s collection
Hi listeners,
Above is a sacred relic from the 90s: Victoria Beckham’s jumpsuit, from the post-Geri era of the Spice Girls. It’s also a sacred relic of the 90s, in that it’s from Answer Me This! Episode 290, which is here:
Plus: Olly teaches a child empathy, through Robbie Williams; Helen comes up with a strong concept for the Spice Girls’ fourth album; and Martin the Sound Man reckons going up Anish Kapoor’s Olympic Meccano-crash would be cheap at a third of the price. What IS a bargain is Squarespace.com, who are offering you 10% off for a whole year if you use the code Answer when plumping for their website-building and -hosting services. And the great thing about the 90% you pay is that some of it ends up supporting independent podcasts like this one! Hurrah all round.
In today’s Bit of Crap on the App, Olly voices his disappointment over the ubiquity of Emeli Sandé. Our app is almost as readily available for your iDevices, Android or Windows gadgets.
••• AMT290 Child-Friendly Rating: 95%. Pretty clean – possibly even entirely free of swears – although there is a fleeting reference to a Wenlock and Mandeville sex toy towards the end. •••
Listeners, in your opinions, what is appropriate first date chat? The weather? Stocks and shares? How many kgs you can bench-press? Ugh, no – but surely not dental work or having sex in paint, as contended with by questioneers in Answer Me This! Episode 288:
Also on today’s agenda:
Northern Hemisphere vs Southern Hemisphere
nerdy Jewish vampires
cat toothbrushes
Facebook culls
sex pickles The 64,000 Sixpence Question
washing up
communion wafers
fangs
and
the Clam Van Damme.
Plus: Olly tempts terribly fate by ignoring chain letters; Helen needs to learn to love ‘visually striking cerebral foreign dramas’, whatever Netflix thinks those are; and Martin the Sound Man studies human behaviour via the greasy spoon breakfast.
Many thanks to Squarespace.com for supporting today’s podcast, and for supporting your website-building ambitions by giving you 10% off their services for a whole year if you use the code Answer.
That’s it until a fortnight hence – unless we fall prey to questioneer Scott from Long Island’s knack for podcast-scuppering, in which case, so long and nice knowing you.
Helen & Olly
AMT288 Child-Friendly Rating: 47%.
A long question about the bawdy requests of Australians. A handful of cuss-words.
MESSAGE FROM THE MOTHERSHIP:
If you downloaded AMT285 very soon after it was released, you may have ended up with a version that is rather longer or considerably shorter than the correct AMT285-length of 42 minutes 45 seconds. If so, please delete it and obtain the proper one, as linked to below. Thanks! HZ
In response to AMT284, the first few minutes of Answer Me This! Episode 285 are SO exciting, you should listen RIGHT NOW:
But do carry on listening beyond the first few minutes, to hear about:
‘Torn‘ by Natalie Imbruglia vs ‘Torn‘ by Ednaswap Randy Newman vs Tom Jones
the Recycle Bin vs Trash
rawl plugs vs wall plugs
Lizzy Yarnold
Magic FM
saloon doors
Mini Babybel
‘Hazard‘ by Richard Marx
the face of fistula
and
magnolia paint.
Plus, there’s a manliness contest between Olly and Martin the Sound Man. Which of these opposite-of-Titans is the least masculine? It’s a VERY close contest. Like a boxing match between a wet lettuce leaf and a fluffy sock.
There’s double Crap on the App this week, as Olly chooses chateaubriand over speakeasies (whither the gastrospeakeasy?), then says gardening’s for girls, even though he’s got a grow-your-own Alan Titchmarsh. Fire up the app on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgetry.
Also fire up Squarespace.com, who have not only given us money to make this episode but are also giving YOU a 10% discount off their services for a whole year if you use the code answer3.
Back in a fortnight!
Helen & Olly
AMT285 Child-Friendly Rating: 52%. The topics aren’t unsuitable, but two f-bombs are detonated in the first ten minutes. Miscellanous other swears appear towards the end, when discussing the vile names Martin the Sound Man gives to computer things. So blame Martin for the defilement of your children if they hear this episode.
On this day, dear listeners, we arrive at the final new AMT episode of 2013. We’ll be revisiting some of the Incredible Moments of the AMT year in our Best Of episodes on 12th and 19th December – which as always include some previously unpodcasted Incredible Moments – so please join us for those. Until then, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 280:
In which we learn about:
caterpillars Countryfile
Brian May
isolated stone columns
boring men’s fashion Tinder
Elijah Wood/Tobey Maguire vs Ryan Gosling/Ryan Reynolds
wearing white after Labor Day
public personal grooming Shutter Island spoiler alert
and
pulling at theme parks.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t have his honeymoon at Disney World even if he did get to jump queues and eat free food; if the Zoltar machine in Big had been replaced by a Zaltor machine, Tom Hanks would have received some pedantic grammatical advice from Helen instead; and Martin the Sound Man can’t deal with ultraviolent films like Home Alone.
As we may have noted a few times, the Answer Me This! Christmas album is out now; click HERE to get it. In return for supporting the show with your dosh, you get one hour of all-new AMTchat about the festive period. There’s a little sample of it as this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows).
As well as money, to keep AMT going in 2014 we need your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you back here on 12th December for the first installment of the best of AMT2013,
Helen & Olly
AMT280 Child-Friendly Rating: 92%. Phonecall from an actual 6-year-old. Reasonably innocent hangover chat, and surprisingly clean discussion of hook-up apps. Two class B swears. Beware, there is a spoiler about the end of Big, which is not a film we want to ruin for your children; there’s also spoiler about Shutter Island, which is not a film your children should be watching yet so it doesn’t really matter.
Sound the sirens – today, in Answer Me This! Episode 258, we address a VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. One of those questions that completely reshapes your neural pathways, redirects your chi, repapers the hallways of your spiritual palace. Get ready:
What is a dickbag?
A bag OF dicks, a bag FOR dicks, or a ballbag?
Yup. One of the greats.
We also discuss:
cinema intervals
sleeping in parks
the not-circular Circle Line
silly cows
presidential perishables
gifts for Sophie Raworth
Dumbo vs. DUMBO
exes vs. economics
potplant-murder vs. potplant-suicide
the White House postal address cartoon crows
and
coffee in the loo.
Plus: young Olly wanted value even more than he wanted Disney cartoons; Helen is a lady; and you don’t want to be hot-desking at Martin the Sound Man’s office, you really don’t.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we feel the threat of the new Greatest Show On Earth: Radio 4’s Tweet of the Day.
If birdsong isn’t your thing, how about a month of free film/TV/games instead? Deprive yourself no longer; sign up to our free LoveFilm offer right now. You’d not only be delighting yourself with all the free entertainment of LoveFilm, you’d also be helping maintain the free entertainment of AMT, because we get money if you take up the trial.
There’s another way you can help keep this show going: send us your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
What are the smells that trigger certain feelings or memories for you? Does the scent of a rose transport you back to eating Turkish Delight with your gran? Do exhaust fumes remind you of that trip to Rome where you lost your wallet but gained some minor STDs? Does cider bring back all too vividly that time you puked into your dad’s slippers?
Whatever the flavour of your nasal nostalgia, take a big sniff and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 245:
Today we speak of:
Annie Lennox
bouquet tossing uniformdating.com
the grapevine
the cheesy moon
the Earl of Grantham’s house before he moved into Downton Abbey Arrested Development vs. Arrested Development Phenom
sexy dill
wedding suits
Marvin Gaye: phone engineer
DVD/Blu-ray ordering
and
the lies of David Sneddon.
Also: Olly’s not a bad driver, it’s just his cursed jumper; Helen is abusing her magnificent brain, by filling it with shitcoms then hitting it with beer bottles; and Martin the Sound Man’s impression of Gregg Wallace is uncannilly shitty.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Ellen in North Carolina about the Tim Tam Explosion. If you’re not sure what that is, imagine the Australian version of the Soggy Biscuit Game.
On the subject of sweet things, see the proof of Thorntons icing HERE. But this innocentish fun has a dark side, and we don’t just mean 70% cocoa solids dark. As you’ll find out in the episode, Thorntons are striking back! Ulp…
Assuming Thorntons haven’t shut us down by next week, send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Hey, you! Yes, you – the man with the insecurity about your penis size! How would you like a new app that tells you how yours is the smallest wang in the world, and your ideal condom size is ‘Mouse Tail’? Well, colour yourself lucky – because today we tell you how to slim down your self-esteem by up to 100% in Answer Me This! Episode 244:
We also speak of:
carb crimes in Costco
gherkins
gurkhas
Bieber vs. Prince
Simon vs. Garfunkel
homemade peanut butter
dating disappointments
life disappointments
judgy mums
gushers
immigration officials
the green ink brigade
and
two thousand and late.
Plus: Olly wants to reclaim the red pen from censorious teachers and proofreaders; Helen makes good bread with her rough unfeminine hands; and Martin the Sound Man is all about the bell curve, laydeez.
Furthermore, if you’ve ever longed to hear Olly and Martin percussing their way through ‘The Boxer’ and ‘Born To Run’, you’re quids in! That is, you’re willing to expend two quids to get the AMTapp and thus this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android).
Finally! Please send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
PS For revision purposes, here’s that Bieber-wets-himself video for ‘Beauty and the Beat’:
After the rather unsavoury brace of love-related questions we’ve just had, let’s cleanse the palate with this from Lindsay:
Almost two years ago, my husband left me and I’ve spent the last year or so moving on, having fun and relearning who I am as a singleton.
I’m now in the place where I’m considering dating, however it’s a thought that petrifies me as I’ve never done the whole dating thing before and I don’t know where to even look for a lovely bloke.
So please answer me this: can you help me find the hot, tattooed rugby boys who would consider dating a Christian girl divorced by the tender age of 32?
AMTfans are a wonderfully diverse bunch, so there MUST be some tattooed rugby boys amongst you lot. Any of you also currently single and looking for ladies? Go to the comments, and answer these Bliiiiiiind Daaaaaate-style questions:
1. Where would you take Lindsay on your first date?
2. If you were a foodstuff, what would you be and why?
3. How’s your tackle?
Or just tell her a bit about yourself, you know, the usual. Let love blossom!
Answer Me This! Podcast 