NO DON’T TELL US. Tell nobody. Find that impulse that lurks deep within yourself to vocalise your opinions upon a matter so boring, so mundane, so underwhelming an indicator of anything interesting about your character; find it, then destroy it.
Then listen to Answer Me This! Episode 248:
Today we ponder upon:
Flu Camp
pregnancy disguises
Stevenage slush puppies (not a euphemism)
Ming Dynasty toilet paper
Joseph Gayetty
posh Pot Noodles
domestic rubbish vs. commercial rubbish
London, UK vs. London, Ontario
figure skating vs. Dancing On Ice
Tiny Toronto
and Sergey Brin hiding in the bushes.
Plus: Olly’s lukewarm about Google Glass, but looking forward to the installation of his Google Womb; Helen believes the empire waist to be an offence to waists (and empires); and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t like the principles of Ayn Rand, he just looks like he does.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Poppy wondering why Skittles’ latest ad campaign is targeting the people-who-eat-bodily-growths market. Cheer up, Poppy; at least they’re not suggesting you wipe your bottom with Skittles then tell them about it.
Tell us your QUESTIONS, though: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Then treat yourself to a free Audible audiobook as a reward. OK, you can have one anyway, for being so well-behaved (and because we receive a bit of lovely money for each of you who has one; let’s not be coy about it).
You may not feel much sympathy for tall, young, lithe questioneer James, but stick with his question because he needs your help (or the help of one of those sinister adverts in the back of magazines for mail-order penis pumps):
I am a 6’3″, 16st, muscular, fit and healthy, 25-year-old male. It would also be fair to say that I haven’t been “short changed” in the trouser department.
So… Helen and Olly, answer me this:
Why is it that after I exercise my penis resembles a small acorn?
For around an hour after I exercise, my penis decides to retreat. Most wouldn’t see this as a problem, or even noteworthy. However, it turns post-workout showers into a very shy affair, compared to pre-workout showers where I can hold my head up high.
Is there a biological reason for this? If so, please put my mind to to rest.
Biologists! Physiotherapists! Gym instructors! Penis experts! If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and offer James your opinion. Are his exercises perhaps causing his muscles to retract and withdraw his gentlemanly organs? Does he need special gym-pants? Or should he just stop worrying about the shower-gawkers? Help him: his penis self-esteem is in your hands.
Here’s a question of bats and goats from Ian:
I am from a small village outside Nottingham called Gotham. My friend says Gotham City is named after this tiny village, as the writer of Batman was obsessed by the mad men of Gotham legend, which the village is locally famous for. So answer me this, is he telling the truth?
He is telling both truth and untruth. Bill Finger, whose fingers co-created Batman, wanted to change Batman’s stamping ground from New York City to a similar but fictional location. After considering names including Civic City (tautological!) Capital City (F- for effort, Finger!) and Coast City (bor-inggggggg!!!!) he flipped through the NYC phonebook – presumably looking for listings for an ‘Emergency Pseudonym Writer’ – and chanced upon Gotham Jewelers. This pleased him and thus Bill Finger pinched the name and put it into the fourth issue of Batman, back in 1940, without so much as a yowl from the mad men of Gotham, Nottinghamshire.
However! The mad men of Gotham can give themselves big pats on their big mad backs because without them, Gotham Jewelers would have been called something else, and Batman would have found himself decking the villains of Cash 4 Gold City. Next time you’re waiting to see the dentist, flip through that copy of Salmagundi Magazine that’s been in the waiting room since 11th November 1807. Therein you’ll see Washington Irving referring to New York City as Gotham, wrily suggesting that the city shared some of the traits of the mythical idiots of Gotham. The 19th century crowd went wild for this joke, but give them a break – they had cholera epidemics to deal with at the time, and almost anything is funnier than a cholera epidemic.
So to answer your question, Ian: the writers of Batman were not obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but some local businesses were obsessed with a trend started by an author who might have been obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but at the very least was mildly interested in one of them. Just imagine if Washington Irving had been a fan of another Nottinghamshire village; perhaps Bunny, or Papplewick, or even Cropwell Bishop – oh, how much more gentle the Batman realm would have seemed! Not that Gotham itself is that cool either, since it derives from the Old English words ‘goat home’. Wouldn’t it have been great if The Dark Knight Rises, instead of featuring the machinations of corporate bore Miranda Tate, had centred around a malevolent goat looking to seize back its rightful leaseholds? Christopher Nolan, call me!
Since we all know from Trapped in the Closet how creative R Kelly is, it’s particularly galling that he didn’t make more of the goat association. What a missed opportunity.
It may look like we’re only showing you this email from Karen in Sydney to celebrate our own amazingness, but it should become clear from the fourth paragraph or so that the delightful compliments are rather mitigated. It also demonstrates why most Missed Connections are best left missed, because if you actually do start up that conversation with the hot stranger on the train, it all goes to shit.
Karen writes:
Every day I have a train ride to work – 1 hour 20 mins where I pass the time listening to Answer Me This and other podcasts.
Well this week while listening to the latest podcast, someone sitting beside me wanted to have a conversation about your podcast!
He proceeded to tell me how fantastic you guys are and that he is always listening to you. That’s great I say, agree with him and say that I just love the chill out time on the train listening to you guys, thinking he would get the hint I don’t want to talk to him.
He then tells me his dream is to go to England to meet you both (I say run and hide now).
He then asks me if I want to join him – I say no, I’m just listening to the podcasts.
My earphones go back in, and I sit quietly. I then get a tap on the shoulder 5 minutes later, asking to share one of my headphones so he can listen as well. I say no I would prefer not.
He then says, “Let’s talk about our favourite episodes” WTF!!! Leave me alone, freak, I say in my head.
OK so I get up and move seats saying “I’m sorry I just like to relax and am not in the mood to talk”. I move to another seat, he then gets up and walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder 15 mins later and yells at me in a full train carriage, “You are a bitch, I’m not taking you to England now to meet Helen and Olly.”
Answer me this: am I a bitch for not wanting to talk to someone I don’t know for an hour and 20 mins nor someone that I want to know?
No. It was decent of you to indicate early on that you’re not even suited to share an 80-minute journey, let alone a flight to the other side of the world (plus a few hours on London transport) and back. This releases him to find a travel-companion who is really up for the job. So if any AMT superfan WLTM same to share laughs and long-haul travel, they should hang out on the trains of New South Wales until they encounter this enthusiast.
What a surprise the publishers of our book decided not to use this picture! Granted, their usual style of authorial portrait is usually a little more contemplative, a tad more restrained. But they probably thought that to print an image of such timeless, exquisite beauty on the cover of our book would be unfair on all the other books.
Yes. That must have been the reasoning.
To find out why we have unleashed this aesthetics gamechanger, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 247:
Today we discuss:
forked tongues
Liv Tyler’s tits
holiday snaps
smoking vs. self-pleasuring
Pot Noodles vs. aquariums Armageddon vs. Les Miserables
menageries vs. mono-nageries corgis’ Christmas Lion Tower
Bruce Willis in a space suit
and
bedroom antics.
Plus: Olly reveals how the Queen helped Kate and Willsher dogs to mate; Helen’s holiday photo albums all look like this; and Martin the Sound Man ejaculates through his tear ducts, apparently.
As an extension of the final questioneer’s bath masturbation query, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) considers what else you can do in a bath, if said bath is in Las Vegas. Clue: cleanliness is unlikely to be the most immediate concern.
Our immediate concern is, of course, gathering your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Here’s a question of body art from Kristian from Sunderland:
My girlfriend really wants to get a tattoo. Problem is that I hate tattoos and find them extremely unattractive. We got in a fight when I told her this and she said I should be ‘more open minded’ and ‘trust her with her body’.
I still disagree. We are pretty serious as a couple and I would like to think if the scenario was the other way around and she didn’t want me getting a tattoo I wanted, I wouldn’t hesitate not to get it.
Do I have right as the boyfriend to tell her not to get a tattoo? Or do I let her graffiti her body as she pleases and then regret it in years to come?
Well Kristian, you don’t have the right to tell her what to do with her own body. But you ARE right that she might regret it. The important thing is how you frame your reservations about her plan: of course she’ll object if it’s just your personal taste being offended; but she might be more amenable if you are the voice of caution, because so many tattoos are whims that you’re then stuck with forever.
Even so, you can’t expect her never to get a tattoo. But you can recite to her the oft-repeated AMT guide to sensible tattooing:
1. When you come up with a design you want, draw it upon yourself in marker pen for at least six months before getting a permanent inking.
2. Do not get a tattoo on any part of the body that would still be visible if you were dressed as a monk.
3. If your tattoo design contains words, always check the spelling before the needle meets your flesh.
Questioneer Alex feels a lot like I did when I found out the chairman of Urban Outfitters had donated to Rick Santorum, meaning I couldn’t buy any of their nice patterned bedspreads any more. He writes:
I have a problem. I am a gay Orson Scott Card reader. For many years I devoured his books and it wasn’t a couple of years ago that I found out about his support of anti gay movements in the US.
These days I don’t buy new copies of his books, I borrow them from friends or libraries (whatever his personal beliefs, the man writes damn good science fiction).
The problem for me now is that my favorite sci-fi book of all time, Ender’s Game, is becoming a movie. I want to see it, but I’m not sure if I can buy a ticket knowing where a part of my money might be going.
So answer me this: Should I go to see the film at the cinema?
Pirating the movie seems counter-productive to me.
Why so – because you would be getting what you want, albeit illegally, without contributing to his wealth? Your strategy is rather inconsistent; I don’t want to upset you further, but authors receive royalties when their books are borrowed from libraries. To get around that, you could go to a bookshop, sit in one of the armchairs for the whole day, and read it there without buying it, but it is behaviour like that which sent Borders to the knackers’ yard (sorry Borders, it was mostly my fault. But it was silly of you to think I was ever going to buy all those copies of Interview Magazine).
But readers, what do you say Alex should do about seeing the film? Pay the money, grudgingly? Pay the money non-grudgingly, having decided to overlook Orson Scott Card’s personal beliefs? Wait for the film to come out on DVD then borrow it off a friend? Buy a ticket for a different film then sneak into the Ender’s Game screening instead? Or, avoid the film entirely, as adaptations of beloved books are so often crushingly disappointing?
If you’ve ever thought, “Jeez. I wonder what goes into making an episode of the incredibly effortless-seeming Answer Me This!,” then firstly, you should consider having more interesting thoughts. Secondly, you should check out our interview on Little Atoms podcast, in which host Neil Denny came to the AMT studio to peek behind the curtain to imspect the machinery behind it.
Click here to download the episode, but don’t do it if you were incredibly traumatised when you found out that the Wizard of Oz [SPOILER!] was just a normal middle-aged guy with good stagecraft and a penchant for hot air balloons. Hearing podcasters revealing the mechanics of podcasting might finish you off.
One aspect of AMT behind the scenes which we’re happy to reveal: our perennially sumptuous cheeseboard. Here’s Neil getting involved.
Happy Valentine’s Day, listeners! We know how you love to celebrate the feast day of the patron saint of plague, epilepsy and bee-keeping, so we’ve got a wonderful gift for you: A FREE AUDIOBOOK FROM AUDIBLE! Gallivant to answermethispodcast.com/audible right now to get it, then as a warm-up to your many hours of free audio content, listen to half an hour of free audio content, ie Answer Me This! Episode 246:
This week we consider:
the Chinese zodiac
the longest queue ever
Lemar
premium cinema seats
stop-motion water
baby clothes
asexual koalas
Mike Leigh vs. Red Dragon Les Miserables vs. Undercover Boss Mary Poppins vs. The Sound of Music
Pete Doherty vs. Peter Brame
and
the point of kissing.
Plus: Olly’s going to build his business empire on XXX fortune teller fish, whilst Helen’s looking into a range of mouth condoms for slimmers; and Martin the Sound Man is a shrivelled little short tongue man. But at least he’s not the only one.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is further contemplation upon the masterwork of David Sneddon, star of Fame Academy series 1 and AMT245. It’s a song which bears many hours, nay months, of interpretation. This week’s lesson: what’s up with your sleeves, Sneddon?
Instead of whatever Valentine’s love token you were planning to give us, please send your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. (Although, when we say ‘instead’, we do mean ‘as well as’, if the token was heart-shaped boxes of Ferrero Rocher. Keep ’em coming.)
I’m pretty sure he is single and I know he is gay.
The only conversation we have had outside of ordering was about the linguistics paper we had done together last year and whether we were doing any others. We hadn’t spoken during the paper.
How do I maybe get it to the point where I could ask him out and stop spending $6.90 a day on juice?
Readers, go to the comments and help Dan out, before he is bankrupted by juice. Although maybe he is hankering after this guy in the hope that, if his affections are returned, he’ll get free juice?
Anyway, I think Dan should just be direct and ask him out – if straightforwardness is a problem, perhaps he could spell out ‘Will you go out with me?’ in fruit – because if his approach is rejected, he no longer needs to keep spending the $6.90 a day on juice either.
We hope you haven’t overdosed on romance, because here’s a lovely love question from Celia in France:
So, two people I’m friends with just liked my profile picture at the same time on Facebook and it occurred to me that they would get along very nicely (and possibly make a nice little couple?). They have similar taste in films and music and stuff. They also go to universities about an hour’s drive away from each other.
However they don’t know each other at all, and seeing as I don’t live in the same country as them at the moment, I can’t invite them both out clubbing with me and see what happens when they are both drunk.
So answer me this please: do I play Cupid? And if so, how??!??!?!?!1?!?!/!/!???12!
Also to bear in mind: I haven’t spoken to either of them for at least three months and would feel a little uneasy recommencing conversation with “hey, you should go out with this guy!!!!!” On one hand there’s no harm in asking and seeing if they want to try it out but on the other hand maybe neither of them want to be set up so I don’t know. Help me please.
Readers, go to the comments to guide Celia. Should she effect some long-distance meddling? Or keep the idea in abeyance until she’s back in the country, or even for ten or fifteen years until such time as her friends are both despairing of finding partners by themselves? Or, indeed, should she sit back and let fate take the reins? After all, these two both like her Facebook picture, so they’re obviously MFEO.
Answer Me This! Podcast 