You know what we’ve always thought was missing from the confectionery market? Pharmaceuticals! Not really, but that’s because we’re not Sam from Manchester, the Willy Wonka of over-the-counter drugs:
When I was at university, I had too many essays to do in not enough time, so I came up with a new invention – chocolate-covered Pro Plus. It was perfect: an initial hit of chocolate followed by the long lasting effect of Pro Plus. It was so good I thought they should make it!
So answer me this: have you ever had an idea that you think should be taken into production? Obviously other than a national radio station taking up the show and paying you lots of money!
While I recover from the coughing fit brought on by the idea that radio pays lots of money, you readers must go forth to the comments and tell us about your own ideas of gaps in the market. Let’s get some of them into production, people! Ibuprofen jelly, how about it?
I thought you might want to know how this saga ended…
So the director actually asked me last Monday for my recommendations. This time I was prepared for him! I decided to go with the Bugle – it has a political bent and every so often it takes the piss out of Berlusconi (the director is Italian) for bonus points. I can always claim it keeps me on top of current affairs if it backfires on me.
Sorry AMT, you don’t have a listener in high places yet (he must be raking it in). If he likes the Bugle, I might just bite the bullet and let him enjoy the delights of AMT. But hey, at least I kept it in the Zaltzman family!
Thanks! Now why don’t you see if your boss wants to spend some of his supermoney on one of Zack Zaltzman’s sculptures too.
In Answer Me This! Episode 178, we finally discover the point of marriage. It’s not for the love, or for religion, or for the kids. It’s not even for the presents or the party. So what the flap is it for?
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Therein we mention:
the universal train ticket
Eliphas Levi
Buzz Aldrin’s pants
Helen’s slutty mum
the goat of lust
the shittest ride at Thorpe Park
pentagrams
Tetley Tea
McPizzas
Helen and Martin’s divorce settlement
and
the price of nuts.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t want to be the centre of attention on The Happiest Day of His Life (because that would make it too similar to all the other days of his life); Helen operates an equal opportunities policy for animals – she’s happy to cook and eat the ugly ones AND the pretty ones; and Martin the Sound Man tells you how to trap an evil spirit. All you need is a pair of compasses, a ruler and some chalk.
In this week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android), a question from horticulturist Stephen makes us go all Gardener’s Question Time. It must be the smell of manure on the rosebeds that makes Olly hallucinate about a time when we’re wealthy and successful, because if you want your own country pile with 100 acres, don’t ever go into podcasting. EVER.
We do love to hear from you, so please get on the phone (0208 123 5877), the Skype (look for answermethis) or the email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and ask us your QUESTIONS. If AMT were a sausage, your questions would be the minced pigbits, we would be the rusk and additives. And I think we’ve all just learnt why analogies involving sausages are not a good idea.
Over the years, we’ve noted a number of emotions which AMT stirs in its listenership: amusement, nausea, disgust, disappointment… But this is the first time we’ve been able to add ‘shame’ to the canon. Shamika writes:
I work for a global consultancy in the City. As I was walking out of the office on Friday (already with my headphones on), a director came up to me and asked what was I listening to. I’m a bit of a comedy freak so my phone is full of podcasts like the Bugle, Friday Night Comedy and of course AMT.
I wanted to sound vaguely professional, so I said, “Friday Night Comedy”. This seemed to do the trick as he seemed suitably impressed and we chatted a bit about that until he asked “Oh, what other podcasts do you have that you recommend?”
Now I think you’d be the first to admit that AMT is hardly something you’d share in a professional work environment. So I blustered for a bit and told him I’d find him something good in a week.
I’m hoping he’ll forget, but if he doesn’t, I’m in a bit of dilemma, because I want to recommend AMT but don’t know whether he’ll appreciate it. I don’t want him to change his perception of me, which unfortunately is hugely important as a consultant looking to get promoted in the next year.
So answer me this: do I recommend AMT if he asks me again next week?
Readers, the woman’s on a deadline. Help her out. Have you found that listening to AMT has adversely affected your professional reputation (or your dignity in general)? And is there a podcast Shamika could namedrop which would guarantee her that promotion?
Last week, we discussed the time that the comedian and star of Morons from Outer Space Mel Smith courted controversy at the Edinburgh Fringe by flouting the rules to smoke on stage. But now we find out that his Madonna-kissing-Britney-AND-Christina moment was mere rumour! George corrects us:
The council sent environmental protection officers to the venue (Assembly Rooms) on the first day of Mel Smith’s show and threatened the venue with the revocation of their temporary theatre licence if he were to light up on stage, thereby obviously scuppering their entire Fringe operation.
Mel never smoked on stage in Scotland. He did however take a puff out of the window for photographers on the street below.
And judging by this article George sent to us as corroborating evidence, Mel didn’t handle the matter with much grace either. But today, I am willing to forgive him, having just watched this, the nadir of on-stage ruses to stir up controversy/interest.
Honestly, Rihanna, do you think Nina Simone would have resorted to listlessly dry-humping a poor, foolish concert-goer? Just throw a handful of Quality Street into the crowd. It works for panto, and even a scrum of people fighting to grab a piece of foil containing 0% cocoa solids is less of a degrading sight than this.
I’m currently living in Argentina but will be returning to sunny England in July. This is sad news for me and my boyfriend as I’ll be leaving the continent and he’ll be heading back to Colombia, thus putting an end to our relationship.
I love my boyfriend; however, I was recently contacted by a Brazilian fling from my summer trip to Rio, and found myself neglecting to mention to him that I had a boyfriend, instead referring to him as my “friend”. This doesn’t seem to matter now, as we live in different countries; but I know that he, the Brazilian, will be coming to visit the UK once I’m back and so I didn’t want to burn any bridges.
So answer me this – is it morally wrong to start planning future romantic escapades with someone else whilst still in a relationship, if you know that you inevitably have to split up beforehand?
It’s not morally right, but it is pragmatic. I am a fan of pragmatism. But I’m also a fan of morals. So…conflicted… Readers, help me and Luke in our confusion by giving some good clear advice in the comments.
Here’s a very tricky romantic problem from Sean from London:
I have been going out with my Bangladeshi Muslim girlfriend for three years now, and what with me being an Irish Catholic, she is yet to introduce me to her parents as she thinks they won’t approve (despite my attempts to persuade her).
Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she is moving back home for the foreseeable future, and it seems unlikely that I will get to spend much time with her.
So answer me this, what should I do? Should I introduce myself against her wishes, put up and shut up, or should I just cut my losses?
There are multiple risks with each approach, respectively: possibly getting your girlfriend into a load of shit with her family; living with the situation for a while, but inevitably having to face the same decision at some point in the future; losing your lady love. On the other hand: you might charm the parents; have a wonderfully old-fashioned relationship by letter; or find that you weren’t well-matched after all and your new single status is, in fact, a boon.
Anyway, seeing as this is a serious dilemma, and one of which many of you may have had similar experiences, let’s tackle it with all the gravitas and tact we can muster: an online poll.
What would you do if you had the run of the Houses of Parliament? Rifle through all the documents with TOP SECRET stamped on them? Leave a drawing pin on the Speaker’s chair? Try on all of Theresa May’s shoes? Or use their wifi to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 177?
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In this episode we contemplate that matter, and others:
Shutter Island
anti-gravity
Dodgy
art vs. law
parliamentary privilege vs. podcasting privilege
the BBFC vs. the Mull of Kintyre test
accredited space agents
conspiracy theorists
school play smoking
reprobate Mel Smith
Princess Michael
‘Governor’ Palin
‘Cape Canaveral’
and
squid rings.
Plus: Olly would have got more action at university had it not been for his inner gameshow; Helen gives a lesson on basic squid anatomy; and Martin the Sound Man swears that with bog-standard telescopes, you could read a copy of yesterday’s Evening Standard that someone had left on Uranus as clearly as gawking at it over the shoulder of your fellow commuter. This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) sees Olly point the finger at the real villains of the 21st century: anyone who puts one of these in their mouth. You monsters!
You have until June 5th to snap up free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible, but you have all the time you need to ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Although don’t take too long over it, because we’ve got to be back here next week with a new episode, and without your questions in it, it’d be like we’d turned time back to Web 1.0. Which is just too awful to contemplate.
Count your blessings, readers, as you peruse this email from beleaguered Susan from Queensland:
I’ve had a run of bad luck for the last year or so. Not loss of loved ones, but many minor incidents: car rear-ended twice in three weeks, the second a few days after the first repair; water pouring through the ceiling during torrential rain two days after moving into new house; the motor of a water pump burned out by lightning, replaced, then struck by lightning again; and lots of other stuff too tedious to list.
So answer me this: as an atheist of long standing apparently being picked on by a mischievous spirit – the only possible explanation (if you put aside the laws of chance) – how do I choose a deity to put an end to this unlucky streak? I’m willing to build a small altar, but I draw the line at any form of self-mutilation. Help.
Oh, there are other possible explanations: you were born under a bad star, you got out of the wrong side of the bed this year, karma’s a bitch and it KNOWS WHAT YOU DID… Also I’m not sure that if you become one of the Faithful, your chosen deity will agree to a one-on-one takedown of the mischievous spirit.
I do, however, feel sorry about your bad streak, so readers, go to the comments and help this unfortunate woman reverse the tide of misfortune through whichever means necessary.
I am fairly new to the podcast and have spent today listening to old episodes while I am tidying my bedroom. It is a beautiful day outside but my room is frankly a dump and my brother’s coming to stay next week. I hate tidying (hence the state of my room) and would much rather be sitting by the lake (although because this is Germany there are a lot of naked swimmer and sunbathers!).
Answer me this – how can I make tidying/cleaning fun?
Why are you asking me? My place is a hovel! There are even potatoes growing in the carpet. Instead, take guidance from the real expert (no, not Kim’n’Aggie):
Readers, if you think you know better than the Poppins, go to the comments to advise Rosie on how to achieve what I consider the impossible.
I once went to a circumcision party. At the age of 16 my friend Tom had to have a circumcision because I think he didn’t wash and it got infected or something. Anyway, on return from the hospital he had invited us all to be there for his a arrival without a foreskin. After a few celebratory circumcision drinks, he then showed us his bloody stitched penis sans prepuce. I think I may have vomited.
Here’s a question from Harriet from Camberley, who will be wearing wellie boots 24/7 henceforth:
I was recently in a lift at one of the underground stations when an old man stood right next to me. As there was only the two of us in the lift I was a little concerned. And concerned I should have been as he promptly urinated down his trouser leg and onto my sandals.
So answer me this: What is the correct etiquette when someone pisses on your shoes?
Alas our copy of Debrett’s does not offer guidance on this particular matter. As in all these times when the great bastion of British manners leaves us high and dry, the best reserve option of course is to crowd-source the answer from Team AMT. Readers, go to the comments and instruct Harriet on how to behave correctly if and when this situation arises again. Also we’re sure that tips for getting the smell of piss out of sandals would be greatly appreciated too.
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