ghost sex party

May 31, 2011 by

** Click here for Episode 176 **

Judging by your feedback by last episode’s call for your stories of parties on a par with menarche parties, people all over the world are fighting for their right to party in a way that makes everyone they know feel very uncomfortable. Rachel from Fife:

I have once been to a Titanic-themed party, hosted by some neighbours who always hold a themed party to celebrate New Year. In finding this choice slightly odd and as a teenager feeling determined to not enjoy any social event also attended by my parents, I opted for jeans and an ‘I Heart NY’ t-shirt, while others donned fancy dresses and painted themselves blue.

Rachel also points out that, if you actually like the sound of this party, and you’ve got spare funds and a strong conviction in the notion that lightning doesn’t strike twice, you might want to set sail on a Titanic Memorial Cruise. Frozen DiCaprio not included.

We’d’ve steered clear of the party bags and the finger buffet at the party Dave in Cardiff went to:

The weirdest party I’ve ever been to was an ‘I’m about to get a shag” party. Allow me to explain.

When she was 16, one of my old school friends became delusional and convinced she could to talk to a ghost. She thought she’d fallen in love with the ghost and wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and even afterwards when she would become a ghost too.

But, she still wanted to have kids, and her ghost boyfriend wanted her to be happy. So they came to the arrangement that she could have a human boyfriend. However, the ghost was still jealous and made her promise not to have sex until she’d a made commitment to the ghost as her ‘main’ boyfriend. She found another nut-case who believed in the ghost. He arranged this frankly bizarre ritual, where my friend and her boyfriend had their relationship approved by the ghost at a big party. To which I was invited.

There was lots of singing and chanting, a big meal and disco, but the climax of the day was at the end when my friend and her boyfriend said goodbye to everyone and went off to have their first fuck together. To make matters worse, my friend had not just invited mates to this ‘prelude to banging’ party but also her family.

The whole thing made me very uncomfortable but even more so because everyone else seemed to think it was normal. At the end of the evening when my friend and her boyfriend left to have coitus, I had to rush outside to be sick.

To make matters worse I’ve got another three of these shag parties to go to before the end of the year.

It may seem weird now, Dave, but in a couple of decades, ghost sex parties will be so normalised as to be passé. And then maybe Ang Lee will make a film about one.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

EPISODE 176 – menarche-mallow

May 26, 2011 by

Hello listeners, hello!

It’s been a long holiday, but huzzah, we have returned intact. Since last we spoke, Olly has entered his thirties, and Helen and Martin entered the matrimonial institution (with each other, don’t worry!), so as you will hear, Answer Me This! Episode 176 is all mature and responsible right from the off:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Conversation-nuggets in today’s gold-pan include:

divine disapproval of Helen’n’Martin’s legalised union
Gordon Ramsey’s Cambodian eggy treat
phallic salad
the Pringles saddle
Madonna as Cruella de Vil
Pamela Anderson as cola bottle
the tragic life of Mr E
Forever Plaid
freedom of the city
aldermen
grungers vs. lumberjacks
caviar vs. frogspawn
and
Peppa Pig.

Plus! If you’re looking to pull, just take Olly out on the town with you; Helen bemoans the public interest in whether her womb is available to let on a nine-month contract; and Martin the Sound Man does not want to sound Dickensian. Spoilsport! This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) is about the only meme to involve high-end millinery (that we know of): Princess Beatrice’s fancy hat.

It may have been a while, but you still know what to do: ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. As a reward for your diligence, you can have free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible until June 5th. Lazy people who don’t bother asking us questions are allowed those too, as an incentive. Carrot not stick, right? And carrot sticks best of all. Blend a metaphor, get a crudite, as our great-grandmothers used to say.

See you next week!

Helen & Olly

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Posted in PODCASTS | 5 Comments »

revenge!

May 25, 2011 by

Our new series starts on 26th May.
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What do you do to overcome a phobia? Hypnosis? Neurolinguistic therapy? Or, like Finbar from Glasgow, do you head down to the DVD shop? He says:

I have a slight revenge scheme to get back at my friend. I have coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and my friend suggested that to get over this fear I should watch the film It. I saw the film for ten or fifteen pounds in HMV and decided to watch the trailer for it on youtube. To cut a short story shorter, it possibly made my fear even worse.

I am pretty sure my friend is an arachnophobic (fear of spiders). So answer me this: is buying him the film Eight Legged Freaks for his birthday and make him watch it with me a good revenge plan, or can you think of something better?

Seeing as you’ve already sourced it, you might as well give him that copy of Stephen King’s It. Not only is this film terrifying to those who have phobias of clowns (or drains, children, or Tim Curry), but – SPOILER! – if you make it to the end, there’s a big scary spider. Also, while he’s diverted by the film, you can fill his bedroom with tarantulas.

Think this is a bit silly? Team AMT seems to be beset by myriad phobias. Click HERE and HERE to laugh at the expense of unfortunate fellow listeners.

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the true price of partworks

May 24, 2011 by

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Episode 175 feels like a lifetime ago to us, but stirring in the depths of memory is something to do with partwork magazines and who the hell buys them and at what lifetime outlay etc etc…you remember, right? Well, anonymous newsagent has been in touch to confirm the financial and emotional devastation they wreak:

I work in a newsagent’s, and the tragic fact about those partwork magazines is that some people do genuinely buy all of them. One man has bought more than 120 of The Pocket Watch Collection (£7.99 fortnightly), with no sign of the end of the collection as yet. The poor old man can’t stop buying them, as he wants the whole set, and has spent about a grand on them altogether so far! Poverty befalls all who purchase, but he does have a rather large collection of watches now, if that’s any consolation.

With some, they extend the initial run half way through, so will cost way more than originally expected and run for even longer than the 80 or so expected, or just stop making them a few issues in if they’re not making enough money.

Now I have betrayed the secrets of my trade, I am prepared to be clapped in irons and slung out of the print media selling community.

Don’t worry, you still have chewing gum and jazzmags to fall back on. As it were.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, inside scoop | Leave a Comment »

Captain Hook

May 24, 2011 by

Our new series starts on 26th May.
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Watch your step with this email from Sam from Preston:

ive attached a photocopy of the X-ray I had done yesterday after I managed to fall over and stand on a bag of wool and get a crochet hook rammed into my heel.

that's gotta hurt

Eurgh! All my crafting accidents have been the result of reckless scissor-handling or freehand scalpel-work; I never realised a wealth of danger lurked at the head of a crochet hook. Sam continues:

Please answer me this: what’s the stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have done that required medical treatment?

I think we’re all familiar with Olly’s not-even-doing-any-skiing skiing accident (if not, revise AMT173). Everyone else may go to the comments and tell us of their own non-fatal stupid accidents, because it’s entirely fine to exploit other people’s pain for our entertainment.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers, visuals | 7 Comments »

incredible inflatables

May 12, 2011 by

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Happy 30th birthday to Oliver Mann! And where there’s a birthday boy, there ought to be balloons. Happily Keith in Cardiff has supplied:

I’ve recently spent some time learning how to make balloon models.

Some of my better creations include a
dino skeleton, Santa and his reindeer, cats and a dog, as well as these others.

Essentially, though, the only real use for balloon modelling is for entertaining children at parties, which I’m pretty sure I’d loathe with a passion!

So answer me this: which skills have you learnt and become good at, but which at the end of the day are completely and utterly pointless?

Erm, ALL of them? For example, a few years ago I made a giant inflatable Boggle set. It was a real feat of engineering, but to what end? I can also touch-type pretty fast, but nobody ever asks me to.

Readers, make us feel not so alone in our uselessness: in the comments, boast of your mad skills which are at the same time magnificent and lacking in any proper purpose. Learning for learning’s sake is nothing to be ashamed of. (Unless you spent twelve years of your adult life learning to juggle matchsticks, which would prove no solace when your marriage collapses and your children refuse to speak to you.)

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Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 15 Comments »

GOLD!

May 10, 2011 by

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We’ve only gone and bloody done it.

After years of being the Sony Awards’ equivalent of Todd Martin, last night we were properly sodding thrilled to win the GOLD Radio Academy Award for Best Internet Programme.

Well, I was thrilled. Helen and Martin were still on honeymoon, driving through Montana. Martin had food poisoning from eating some bison, apparently. But then they heard the news. And they were thrilled too.

Here I am getting the award from renowned podcast fanatic Kelly Hoppen. Rumour has it she once listened to Stephen Fry’s Podgrams, and thought it was adequate.

You can sometimes tell if you’ve won by assessing how far your table is from the stage (there are actually ALCOVES UNDER THE STAIRS for real losers). This year we were about two-thirds of the way back, so no clues there. We were seated with some very lovely people from Central FM Scotland, and they won a Gold Station of the Year award, so there was a lot of champagne flowing.

What with us producing the show in the Zaltzwick sitting room – and thus not having a Station Manager, Event Co-Ordinator, Publicist and that kind of thing – I was sitting with my girlfriend, mum, dad and grandma. I think I am the only person to ever bring my family to the Sony’s, apart from Ashley Tabor. (That’s a radio industry joke, hark at me!)

I don’t remember much about going to collect the award from Kelly and Chris Evans, because it was all over very quickly indeed. Helen had written me a speech to read out on her behalf, which she’d sealed in an envelope on the day of her wedding. The idea of opening it on stage for the first time petrified me, because obviously I assumed she would casually employ a clever word I would fail to pronounce or understand, so I couldn’t help but open it at home yesterday afternoon. It simply said, ‘IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU I HAVEN’T GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT?’.

Yes, Helen. Now is a very good time.

Here’s what I actually said:

The Judges statement said: “The presenters of this podcast demonstrate a strong rapport that sometimes traditional radio struggles to replicate. The judges found this podcast engaging, warm and funny; with creative imaging and a strong connection to the community of listeners.” Which was jolly nice of them.

There are, I think, two groups of amazing people we need to thank.

First: our hugely talented group of friends who have supplied us with brilliant jingles, idents and sketches over the years (that would be the ‘creative imaging’ the Judges are referring to).

And Second? YOU. More than almost any other show I can think of, Answer Me This! is all about our listeners, and the incredible feedback and questions you supply us which makes up our content. If it weren’t for people like you, downloading our show every week, telling your friends and spreading the word, we’d have given up long ago.

So, thanks so much for sticking with us for the past four years. This Award is dedicated to you.

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Posted in News | 17 Comments »

fitties

May 10, 2011 by

A conundrum of fittitute now from Josh from Washington DC:

Is it better for your ex’s new boy/girlfriend to be:
Fitter than you or
Less fit than you?
If they’re fitter than you, it’s depressing because they’ve moved up in the world. If they’re less fit than you, it suggests that they have low standards, which in turn reflects badly on your own fitness.

Readers, what do you reckon?

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Posted in Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

drunk-dating

May 2, 2011 by

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All the single ladies, all the single ladies – put your hands UP woah-oh-oh if you think you might like to go on a date with Tom, who writes:

During one inebriated night, I foolishly joined a dating agency which required a fairly reasonable, though still a little hefty, 6-month subscription fee.

I am not in any sort of situation, emotionally or practically, to be in a relationship, casual or otherwise, and have to put this random act down to drunken tomfoolery.

I currently haven’t got a steady job, am pretty much broke, need to lose two stone, live with my mum and I am 35.

I do plan on sorting myself out soonish, but don’t really want another girlfriend yet and given my situation and immature tendencies don’t think that any lady in her right mind would be interested. However, I also don’t want to waste the money I have spent signing up to this stupid dating site.

So answer me this – should I lie like a (storm) trooper on my character profile to see if I can get a nibble and hopefully, by the time it comes to meet up with them, some of the lies would be true? Or should I concentrate on sorting my life out before getting back out there on the desperate dater’s scene (and make sure my credit card, laptop and whiskey are never in the same room again)?

It’s possible that a little lady-fun would give you the impetus to start sorting out your situation, Tom. But readers, what do you think? Go to the comments to sort out Tom’s live – its romantic side, of course, but also professional, domestic and pastoral. And don’t mince your words, because he needs the fillip.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

Meet The Zaltzwicks

May 1, 2011 by

So, Helen and Martin got married last weekend.

I’ve been waiting to blog about it because I was waiting for the right photos. These beauties were taken by Rick, Helen’s brother, and only emailed to me today. He was lugging around a camera the size of a labrador at the wedding, so I’d suspected they would be worth waiting for.

Aw.

It was a really charming event, perhaps the loveliest wedding I’ve ever been to, and VERY Helen and Martin. They were super-relaxed – greeting guests as we arrived at the service, rather than making a grand entrance, and cracking jokes throughout – and the grub was a slap-up home-made afternoon tea, washed down with a LOT of pink champagne (they’re not drinkers). Oh, and a fish and chip van at 11pm. And a cheeseboard. Awesome.

The ceremony was al fresco, in a beautiful park in Kent (alongside a craft fair and fete – and even a meet-and-greet with celebrity porkchop PEPPA PIG!), but luckily the rain held back for the ceremony, despite hilarious and dramatic thunderclaps as the happy couple made their way down the aisle. Well, if you are going to have a resolutely secular wedding at Easter time, God will make His feelings known…

Back at the Zaltzman family pile, there were cracking tributes by various folks including friends-of-the-podcast Alex Thomas and Andy Zaltzman, but, it must be said, Helen and Martin’s dads pulled off the funniest speeches of the night.

Helen and Martin are now on honeymoon somewhere in the States, no doubt listening to discordantly intellectual audiobooks as they speed down the highway, stopping frequently to photograph funny road signs, or further snapshots of Martin sucking yet another ice lolly that looks a bit like a penis. They claim not to yet know what their new surname will be, but for me – as for all true AMT! fans – they will be Forever Zaltzwick.

Well done, chaps.

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Posted in extracurricular activities, inside scoop, visuals | 26 Comments »

fork off

April 28, 2011 by

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Here’s an unusual question from Ben from Geelong:

How do I stop my son from saying “fork”?

I don’t want to slow his development. He is 18 months old and this is one of his first words,and when he says it, it sounds like “FUCK”. And he says it A LOT!!!!! In shopping centres, down the street, in the park…………..I’m getting strange and disapproving looks. Any ideas?

Aside from stuffing a sock into his mouth to silence him (but not curb the disapproving looks from passers-by)? No! I have no idea how to make a child do anything. Their dominion mystifies and intimidates me in equal measure.

If you are less pathetic than I in the field of child discipline and language-cleaning, please go to the comments and help Ben silence that little non-pottymouth.

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Posted in User-generated answers | 7 Comments »

[wedding] ring road

April 25, 2011 by

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We’ve got weddings on the brain this week, so let’s have a look at this question from Mark from St Neots:

On the anti-clockwise M25 just before you get to the M1 (Junction 21) there is a bridge where someone has painted onto it:

“Louise. I love you. Marry me. Bob”

Did Louise say yes, and is this a romantic way to propose or not?

ATTENTION TEAM AMT! Answer us these*:
Is one of you Louise?
Is Bob among your number?
Or do you know Bob and/or Louise?
If the answer to any of the above questions is ‘yes’, tell us: are Louise’n’Bob married? To each other? Happily? Or has Louise never forgiven him for proposing on a slab of concrete?
And do graffiti and the M25 say romance?

*because we’re on holiday, so it’s your turn.

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