To all our listeners in the Northern Hemisphere: hope you enjoyed the summer solstice! Only 185 sleeps to go until Christmas! Wooooo!
Southern Hemispherical listeners: happy mid-winter’s day! Now roll on summer! Woo woooo!
Equatorial listeners: as you were.
One thing that is the same the world over is Answer Me This! Episode 180:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In it, we speak of such things as:
Gunther from Friends
seaside rock
the Wailing Wall
chocolate mousse
Claridge’s tea
mango lassi Face/Off
disappointing fudge
hypnotherapy vs. stage hypnosis
British postboxes vs. French postboxes
Lady Godiva vs. Ed Balls
and
wanking in the Ritz.
Plus: Olly is made of stronger stuff than Carrie Bradshaw; Helen was hypnotised for love; and Martin the Sound Man admits to a few awkward moments in his honeymoon. He likes to live life like an Ashton Kutcher film, he does. Accordingly, before any and every decision, Mr Kutcher thinks, “What would Martin the Sound Man Do [WWMTSMD]?” And Demi Moore sighs, and thinks that if only she’d stayed with Bruce Willis, she wouldn’t ever have to talk about sound cards over breakfast.
This week, we’re popping up on a couple of other podcasts: Pappy’s Flatshare Slamdown, the new comedy quiz show from the AMT37 alumni; and Radio 4Xtra’s What’s So Funny?, wherein we talk in a not-so-funny way about podcasting.
Despite flirting with other podcasts, AMT will always be our (audio)boo, so keep the love alive by sending your QUESTIONS – leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com – that we may magically create next week’s episode with them.
Julia from Oxford is the biggest sexual deviant since James Spader in Crash. (And Secretary.) She writes:
I’m massively attracted to men who are good at science, which may say something for evolutionary theory as I’m rubbish at it and may be trying to secure some scientific intelligence genes for my future offspring.
I also have a bit of a thing for appendectomy scars, but that’s just a bit weird.
So answer me this: What are your biggest unconventional turn-ons?
Gather round, pervs! Go to the comments and tell us your wrongo turn-ons, and try not to get too aroused whilst doing so.
The following person has written to us under the pseudonym “Jeremy in Stoke” (to conceal the fact he is actually a lesbian blogger in the Middle East). He has a fake name, but a real problem, you see:
Despite being a happily married man and father of two small boys, the girlfriend of a friend of mine has started cracking onto me rather a lot recently. Let’s call her Emma. She flirts with me so obviously when we are out that it has become a standing joke with some of my friends (even my wife says she finds it rather funny in a sad kind of way).
The thing is that Emma’s boyfriend, my friend Mike, seems to be totally unaware of all this. He’s a lovely chap, a little bit head in the clouds and really doesn’t seem to see anything at all dodgy in the fact that whenever he’s away she asks me to come round and ‘keep her company’ on my own etc etc etc.
Answer me this:
DO I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT?
I obviously don’t want to, because I’m a bit too English.
That’s right. You and he must never have a heart-to-heart about this, unless you want your UK citizenship to be revoked.
In fact, I’d hesitate to talk to him about it whichever nationality you are. He evidently trusts you and your upstanding Englishness completely, to see nothing but innocence in her hussyish come-ons; and so far you’ve done nothing to break that trust. Perhaps he is even aware of her vixenish ways, but has chosen not to act, rather than embarrassing you, himself and his errant ladyfriend. If you wade in, it could cause a fissure of awkwardness in your friendship and a dent to the dignity on at least one of your sides.
However, you could have a short stern word with Emma asking her to knock it off; or, better yet, your wife could stage a catfight with her in the middle of the street. After some publicly humiliating hair-pulling, tit-punching and screams of “Step off, bitch!”, her ardour might be dampened. Tell your wife to get acrylic nail extensions beforehand.
Readers, agree or disagree with me? I don’t mind which, but I do urge you to go to the comments to advise Jeremy upon apt procedure.
Given your clear interest in paperweights last episode, I highly recommend you visit the Paperweight Centre in Yelverton, Devon.
I went there with my boyfriend and we had an awesome time hearing all about the history of the humble paperweight. I even bought one which wasn’t listed in the glassmaker’s catalogue! A one off orange specimen which now resides on my desk in Holborn much at the mockery of my colleagues.
I have never actually used it to weigh down my papers as there is rarely a breeze in my climate-controlled office, however I occasionally play with it when thinking or stare into it when bored. It really is quite mesmerising. I can also confirm that it would be a good weapon in case of attack but as I don’t carry it around in my handbag, and I do not expect to get attacked at my desk, I doubt it’ll ever be used in self defence.
I have now developed a genuine interest in niche museums. The Paperweight Centre is linked with Barometer World, so I look forward to going there next.
Here is a photo of me at the joyous place in question:
Readers. Have you been to a shittermore obscure museum than that? Tell us about it in the comments, so that we – and Dina – can plan our next holidays around it. NB Martin and I visited this one on honeymoon (because nothing says romance better than a nutcracker shaped like Adolf Hitler), so do aim high.
Someone told me they committed a prank in which they, amoung a large group of co-prankers, picked up this guy’s car, and hid it in his garage. When the guy then reported the car as being stolen, the police searched around the area, and discovered the car in the garage. They then thought he was playing a prank on them.
So answer me this: have you commited any japes, pranks, or serious shenanigans that have been a little over the score?
I’d put money on you readers having done so, so while I’m down at the bookie’s, tell everyone about your mischief in the comments. Meanwhile, Harry from Fleet is cooking up his own prank:
I was thinking up some good old-fashioned revenge ideas when I sprung upon the idea of urinating onto my father’s cake. This got me thinking whether you could make icing from wee.
Later on still, thinking along the same lines, I wondered if there could be any more practical uses for the stuff? With the increasing prices of water, perhaps could it not act as nature’s 2 for 1 deal on water?
I’m sure there are lots of wonderful uses for human urine, Harry, but I’m more interested to find out what it is your father has done to you to warrant being served up a lovely slice of piss-soaked cake. And whether all of his five senses are really bad enough for him not to notice your extra ingredient.
Over the years, one question has kept us awake at night (other than, “Did I remember to turn the oven off?” and “How can the next-door neighbours like listening to Duffy this much?”): where do all the spurned Build-A-Bear bears go? Do they end up in a bear workhouse, or are they turned out onto the streets to survive by turning tricks and picking pockets?
Thankfully, no. After Answer Me This! Episode 179 we will, at last, be able to sleep the deep sleep borne out of the relief that the poor orphant bears do find a good home:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In today’s episode we also consider:
Co-op Funerals
doll hospitals
the mystery of Glenn Miller
McCain’s Pizza Rollers
office toys
cycle helmets
the most striking aspect of Jordan’n’Dane Bowers’ sex tape
reality TV vs. reality
Dame Bruce Forsyth Chris Cooley’s cock (NSFW!)
Ruth Badger
the Black Eyed Peas’ next hit (shudder)
20p
Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee
symbolism in ET
and
toff prison.
Plus: Olly sees right through posh Findus Crispy Pancakes to the publicity stunt beneath; Helen surmises why seminal movie scenes such as this are not set in Business Studies lessons; and Martin the Sound Man pipes up in favour of hot goo. Yes, he does.
Please join us next week for episode 180, in which we will do a full 180 on everything we’ve ever said so far, apart from one thing which will remain forever true: we want you to send us your QUESTIONS, by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or sending emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Gimme gimme gimme.
If any of you are planning some corporate rebranding, and you don’t want an expensive Consignia-style flop on your hands, just call in Mark here for 100% clear-eyed analysis:
Re: last podcast (178) re political colours:
If the Tories had just got rid of the red from their red, white and blue colours, it would have looked as if they were sponsored by Tesco’s value range.
We received several emails this week regarding perks from your own or your parents’ jobs, but there was only one that made one Olly Mann shit himself with envy. It was this one from Laurence from Henley-on-Thames:
My parents both used to work for Disney. Because of this, mine and my sisters’ childhoods have been FILLED with masses of Disney paraphernalia – we had every single film on video and DVD, enormous cuddly toys of various characters, and even some original hand-drawn slides from various animated movies as seen in the films themselves, including The Lion King, Winnie the Pooh and Fantasia!
And finally, we used to have free access to all the Disney theme parks…
At this point we had to stop reading, as Olly’s apoplexy was reaching dangerous levels. Thankfully Dan from Coventry brought him back round with a dose of schadenfreude smelling salts:
I work at a go kart track. I can go on and race, but I choose not to because it’s so boring. I prefer sitting and watching people crash.
Last week we talked about mothers’ mucky-mouthed malapropisms. Here’s one from Adam:
My mom refers to the hot cooked sandwiches that you get at Starbucks as punanis!
Really not sure if she’s trying to be funny or not but I’m not going to say anything.
Bless her, Adam’s mum is still trapped in the late 90s, when any reference to Ali G was guaranteed a good reception. If she sticks with it long enough, it’s bound to roll back into vogue again, right? Like mullets and right-wing politics.
Allegedly, Bronwyn and Simon submitted the following question jointly. However, the wording suggests that it is Bronwyn alone leading the charge:
In between washes, is it better to keep the washing machine door open or closed?
I think it would be better to keep it closed so the seals don’t perish and it doesn’t rust; however my husband is insistent that leaving it ajar is better as it allows the air to circulate.
It turns out that my brain simply refuses to devote any of its activity to this matter, so readers, you must decide. Marital harmony depends upon it.
Independent studies show* that AMT-listeners are of above average physical beauty. So it’s no surprise that Stephen here is trying to trade on his looks:
I entered this silly modelling competition and, against the odds, it seems to be going pretty well. BUT, I need more votes and wondered if you wonderful people would be able to help me out a little bit. As a loooooong time listener I believe the old listener-podcaster privilege should surely have kicked in by now, you know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine kind of thing? And don’t worry when I’m strutting down the catwalks and being interviewed in Vogue, I’ll make sure I mention you and get you some extra column inches.
That’s the only way we’ll ever get in Vogue (unless they need some ‘Before’ pictures for the lipsuction adverts near the back), so readers, click here to vote for Stephen. He’ll need a lot of your clicks to topple the current no.1 seed Roland, though.
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