He wasn’t good enough for you! You’re better off without him! and other platitudes go out to Matilda in California, who writes:
My boyfriend and I just decided (somewhat mutually) that we needed to stop seeing each other, since I’ve just started a Master’s program, and he wants to move to New Zealand for an indeterminate amount of time. I still care about him very much, so this has been a little bit rough for me.
At night, when I’m not finishing a paper or making dinner, I have taken to spending my time watching sad movies about people who have broken up with each other, listening to sad songs, and weeping uncontrollably into a pillow.
So, answer me this: What has helped you during a breakup, and can you recommend any songs that I should add to my “End of Times” playlist?
Readers, get yourselves to the comments and compile the epitome of break-up playlists. NB Matilda, avoid listening to songs you might need in future years, because once you’ve recovered from the break-up, it can be unpleasant to return to the music that sustained you through the difficult times.
I’m looking for a question that was as far as possible from the unpleasantness of the previous post. This question from Scott from Utah, living in Taiwan, does the job:
I’m not a huge fan of bananas, but they work well with my stomach (I have ulcerative colitis).
I’ve been buying them a lot lately and can’t seem to pick a good batch that will last me a week. They’ll either be too green, too ripe, too bruised, etc. Refrigerating them doesn’t keep them fresh, and nothing else seems to work either.
Answer me this: how does a person know which bananas to pick from the store and how in the world do you keep them fresh?? If there are any foolproof tips, please let me know because google hasn’t helped me.
PHEW. Nothing terrifying there. Readers: banana tips for Scott! Go!
Good morning, you lazy bastards! One listener called Martin has been up and at ’em since earlytimes, because before this post even went up, he tweeted us with a solution to one of the problems discussed in Answer Me This! Episode 267: Josh, who is trying to watch racy HBO shows on his iPad at the gym without feeling ashamed, needs to get one of these. Wallop! Problem solved.* And what have you done lately, eh?
Don’t worry, you don’t really need to do very much at all, except listen to the episode, of course:
We also consider:
spiders Victor David Brenner
SculptureShop
Thomas Jefferson vs. Mariah Carey
Olly’s dad vs. DVDs
corrupt bakers
Theresa May: monarchical midwife À la recherche du temps perdu
madeleines
Farter’s Day
the definition of virginity
and
Richard Nixon.
Plus, each of us is ready for combat this week: Olly provokes a rematch of the Battle of Agincourt, but this time over French cakes versus English cakes; Helen wages war against cliché; and Martin the Sound Man takes a shoot-to-kill policy on spiders and whelks.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, learn how to decorate your home in the Olly Mann style: with squashed moths. Or, if you prefer slightly less morbid things on your walls, you could get the AMT clock that he mentions in the show. That’s right: Olly Mann’s clockface is his own face. We’re still working on turning Helen’s face into a sundial.
While we do that, you should work on sending us your QUESTIONS. It’s easy: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Bam. Job done.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT267 Child-Friendly Rating: 50%. Just a couple of swears. Question about sex scenes in HBO shows. Graphic mental image of Jack Straw staring up a royal birth canal. Question about virginity at the end of the show with, naturally, references to sexual practices, albeit thoughtful rather than lairy in tone.
Rachel has written in with some feedback upon an episode from three years ago, and an injustice we suffered more than nine years ago:
I just finished watching the 1931 movieFrankenstein starring the magnificent Boris Karloff and I noticed something odd about the mad scientist… his name was Henry Frankenstein, not Victor!
I vaguely recalled you mentioning something in a previous episode about losing money in a pub quiz machine because you selected the wrong name for the mad scientist. I was curious to know if the ‘correct’ name on the quiz machine you had was Henry and after a quick search of your website, I found that in episode 149 (with Ian Collins!) you guys said the correct name according to the quiz machine was in fact Henry and that you lost seven pounds!
It’s really weird that your quiz machine targeted such a specific Frankenstein but you guys definitely could have gotten your money back on that one. Just thought you guys would like to know that quiz machine wasn’t totally full of bullshit!
PS The 1931 Frankenstein is an absolutely fantastic movie and was one of the first major ‘talkies’. I definitely recommend watching it sometime!
It must be absolutely fantastic if it has caused the quiz machine to obliterate its knowledge of the CORRECT NAME IN ALL THE OTHER VERSIONS OF FRANKENSTEININCLUDING, MOST CRITICALLY, THE SOURCE MATERIAL.
Listening to AMT266, your conversation about the legalities of burying people and ashes scattering had me in stitches. So much so that I had to get off my bicycle, lest I cause havoc on the roads.
It reminded me of something that happened a number of years ago when my sister and I were scattering my late father’s ashes.
This was when my sister and I lived at home. My father, he’d sat on the mantle-piece in his little metal urn for a number of years, and one day we got sick of looking at him and organised to go together to somewhere dear to him and us, to scatter his remains.
On the day we traveled to the designated place, and with all the gravity and sobriety requested on such an occasion we both said a little piece, popped open his canister, and upended him.
As expected ashes came ushering forth… only, just at the wrong time there was a gust of wind which as you can imagine played havoc with the scattering mechanisms.
Together we tried to ignore this fact; after my sister and i were done scattering ‘Pop’ we hugged and had a serious, heartfelt conversation. But it was nigh on impossible to keep a straight face between us, as both of our faces were covered in ashes!
So let that be a warning to anyone thinking about cremation. Make sure you conclude proceedings ONLY on a calm day.
Don’t worry, James, we’ve seen enough comedy films to know not to do that. For safety, we’ll be disposing of loved ones’ ashes the Keith Richards way.
A smidgeon more information on ‘She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain’.
Judgement day was sometimes a metaphor for freedom.
Jesus sometimes had the secret meaning of Harriet Tubman, who would lead the slaves to freedom.
It was all right for slaves to be found singing spirituals, but not all right for them to be plotting or hoping for freedom out loud.
This song grows ever more interesting! But still not at all dirty like our questioneer thought. That was all in her mucky mind.
Here’s more feedback on the musical elements of AMT266, from Rebecca from Letchworth:
Musicals are my favourite thing in the world and seeing as I am a drama student, I am constantly singing songs from musicals and going to see musicals in the West End.
I don’t think you should sing along when you go and see musicals on stage – you’re paying a lot of money hear trained professionals do it. Also, the seating in some theatres is very tight, you are practically bumping shoulders with the people either side of you. My advice would be that if you really cannot control your need to sing along (and sometimes you really can’t control it), you should simply mouth the words.
I do this when I go and see a musical, because you feel like you’re singing along and if you get your timing just right, you can pretend in your head that the actor’s voice is actually yours. That way you are having a little sing-song to yourself and you’re not disturbing anyone around you.
Very considerate, Rebecca – unless you’re also silently dancing along, and elbowing your seat-neighbour in the face when you do jazz hands.
In the words of Neely O’Hara, Answer Me This! Episode 266 is all ‘Boobies boobies boobies’: surgically enhanced ones, natural ones, milky ones, Kelly Brook’s ones…
Plus: Olly specifies where his ashes are to be scattered; Helen doesn’t care if her craft legacy dies with her; and despite all his singing skills, Martin the Sound Man doesn’t have the range to sing in Aspects of Love. He’ll never get to be Michael Ball (ball!).
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, a revival of Olly’s beloved Hunting of the Snark might become a reality? Come on, Mike Batt – make a young Mann’s lifelong dream come true!
And you – make our combined dream come true by sending us QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT266 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. References to the songs of Peaches. Question about dead bodies. Discussion of boobs, natural and cosmetically altered. Very little swearing aside from an f-bomb.
We were delighted by this email from Terry, offering a marvellous bit of advice for people going to the Edinburgh Fringe this month:
Wear your AMT t-shirt, people will be much nicer to you.
Since I got my t-shirt at Christmas I’ve worn it in plenty of different places and been seen by many people, but only in Edinburgh have I got so much love.
On August 1st I was stopped by someone flyering for the show The Curse of Elizabeth Faulkner telling me that he followed me. I explained that I wasn’t you but it is nice meeting him.
When I arrived at the Assembly Rooms, the girl at the entrance was so pleased to see a fellow fan of the show she lead me all the way across the courtyard and to the door of the room I was heading for. I’m sure any other day I would’ve been pointed over there and left to it. However I would like to say sorry to her as on the way out she did ask how the show was but unfortunately I didn’t hear that and just smiled at her like a simpleton.
Later that afternoon I also met the very nice Jay Foreman who told us he has written some of the jingles for the show.
Anyway after such a nice day I will be ordering some more merch right away.
May I recommend the mug? Mine has survived nearly six years of service without a single chip; furthermore, it’s enormous, which means less time making teafills.
Have any of the rest of you had happy experiences whilst adorned with AMT merch? Of course none of you have had bad experiences. That time you were pelted with rotten eggs was NOT because you were carrying the AMT bag (100 per cent egg-proof, by the way).
Oh no! The romantic relationships of our questioneers are in jeopardy…because of VERY IMPORTANT disagreements. Here’s Rebecca from Chesterfield‘s:
My husband and I got married in April and so far the worst argument disturbing our newly wedded bliss is this:
When I tell my husband that I am working “next Saturday” he will then be confused as to why I then make plans for the weekend coming.
He seems to think that “next Saturday” means the coming Saturday as in “the next Saturday.
I have told him that he is wrong. That would be “this Saturday”.
Please help settle this dispute.
Fine. Readers: vote.
And now, another life-or-death point of contention from Julia from Oxford:
My boyfriend, who lives in London, is of Californian origin. We’re both flying out there this month for a holiday and I’m really looking forward to it. The problem I have is this – he is *convinced*, having lived in both the US and the UK, that American bacon is objectively superior. I like American bacon (after all, it’s bacon), but I personally prefer the British style as it’s juicier and meatier than its States-side counterpart.
I understand that tastes differ and don’t consider either type to be better than the other in absolute terms. However, I just know he’s going to go on about the damn bacon while we’re out there and insist on asking me whether it’s better every time we eat it. He’s quite reasonable about most American/British divide issues, so why on earth is he so dogmatic about this particular foodstuff? Is bacon really that polarising??
Let’s just see, shall we?
And let’s not reignite the Bacon Wars between Canada and Denmark. So many young lives pointlessly lost…
While bacon appears to be a very emotional issue in this relationship, the question Julia should be asking instead is why her boyfriend has to be right – can’t he let this matter lie and just enjoy the bacon of whichever country he’s in? What’s really going on under there?
I’m relieved I don’t live next door to them, because I don’t want to be woken at 3am by screams of “But ours is CRISPIER, Julia!”
A question of knuckle-ornamentation from Jack the Gryphon from Darlington:
Which is the correct way to wear a signet ring? Should the top of the signature be nearer to the wrist or the fingernail?
Jack, just wear it whichever way up seems easiest when you’re stamping the sealing wax on all those important covenants that cross your desk.
Unless…you’re wearing it purely for style rather than comms? In which case – readers, kindly go to the comments and advise Jack. I feel queasy if I think about signet rings too long; they remind me of my creepy euphonium teacher from when I was 11, as well as their celebrity spokesmodel Jimmy Savile.
If, like today’s questioneer Paul, you want to allow a cool breeze to circulate around your nethers, but without the hazard of being charged with indecent exposure, we recommend you wear one of these around the house. The pockets are really useful too, for carrying cooling ice-packs and emergency underpants lest you receive an unexpected guest.
Also useful, though providing no modesty coverage, is Answer Me This! Episode 265:
Today we discuss:
Amazon
Amazons’ boobs
Amazon’s Eye
penile hygiene
straitjackets
Dire Straits
(ham)burgers
tartar vs. tartare sauce vs. the Tatars
chips and gravy vs. poutine
political speech spoilers The Bridge
Jeff Bezos
and
the Midlands swing vote.
Plus: Olly thinks one of the world’s biggest online retailers caters especially to his ego; Helen improves upon Ed Miliband’s cigarette packet zingers; and Martin the Sound Man explains why Sylvia Plath ate her mince raw.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, we come up with a more fitting name for the Shakespeare play that so nettled Olly in last week’s episode. Look out for a production of Much Ado About Vagina at an outdoor theatre near you.
Our podcast would be much ado about nothing without your QUESTIONS, so please send them to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT265 Child-Friendly Rating: 30%. Mention of ripe topics including boobs, suicide, politics, fellatio. A few swear-bombs.
Jason, 28, from Seattle has observed the example of Paul Daniels and wisely exercised more caution:
Recently I’ve become a member of a choir that gives several performances over the year. In the very beginning of our first rehearsal series, I began flirting with a girl from across the room during rehearsals. After a few weeks of this, I finally got the courage to speak to her one night.
We casually chatted about rehearsal, and other random things, until I eventually I asked what she did for a living. She told me she was between jobs. I thought nothing of this, since she seemed pretty well put together, probably in college, and assumed her life was just in transition at the moment. We really only had a minute or two to chat, so we didn’t get into many more details about one another. I was feeling very good about myself, and excited to see her the next week.
During the week however, through some social media investigations, I discovered that this girl is actually still in high school, and 16 years old! I had assumed she was in college, which explained her flakey job answer, and knew she was younger by maybe 5-6 years, but definitely not that young!
I know this girl is off limits and don’t wish to pursue anything further. But my flirting before finding out this information has put me in an awkward situation. I really can’t quit this choir and I now have to attend these rehearsals with her still giving me the flirty eye! Looking back, she was clearly making an attempt to hide her age from me, so I’m not entirely sure how to act around her now.
What do I do?! Should I just pretend it never happened and move on, or let her down easy? Can you think of any other options?
Yes, pretend it never happened! What’s the problem? Avoid one-on-one conversations with her and just style it out. You say you spoke to her for only a minute or two, so you hardly committed yourself there. And she’s sixteen. She’ll get over it, if she was ever even under it.
Answer Me This! Podcast 