Answer Me This! Podcast

tits in headphones

August 12, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Cast your minds back, listeners, all the way to Episode 101 and this question from Callum from Colne Engaine: “I remember seeing an album cover with something like a man with headphones on (the big ‘cans’ type) with only half of his face on the album cover. I think he may have been wearing a beanie. Do you know whose album it was?”

Well, Ben in Cardiff might:

Not 100% sure if this is correct, but it could be the cover of ‘The Sound of the Cosmos’, a 3 disc mix by Tom Middleton. He is wearing a beanie (or equivalent skull cap) and there is only half of his face on the cover, but he’s not wearing headphones. And he’s full of cosmos.

What do you reckon, Callum?

If that’s not it, maybe this from Keith in Bradford will provide you some consolation:

Hi Helen,

I was trying to find the answer to your posed question of which album cover has a man with a pair of earphones……

However, I did stumble upon this picture which I thought was quite funny, and something with which which you have to endure – a pair of tits in headphones.

LOL

Tits in headphones

Indeed, a common sight around the Answer Me This! studios, although we rarely look quite so cheerful about it…

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »

Pakistan, The Talkies and Wine Gum mind control

August 12, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

We’ve got some feedback from you lot about the last couple of episodes. Firstly from Suhail from Pakistan:

In Episode 102, on the topic of the second most funniest podcast in the world, Olly suggested that there could be podcasts in other languages that you don’t know about – for example in Pakistan. Well you should be know that there are absolutely no comedy podcasts in Pakistan, so at least from my side I can say that you guys actually are second funniest podcast in the world.

Wahey! That’s all the proof we need, so thanks Suhail; we’ll press on getting our ‘2nd funniest’ medallions minted.

Next we heard from Robin from Southport, regarding Episode 103:

Listening to this week’s podcast took me back to my youth. ( I am probably your oldest listener, at a youthful 55 and three quarters.) You were discussing whether the cinema still shows the film if they haven’t sold any tickets. Back in the old days, when the cinema was known as the pictures, they used to show two films in a programme, the main feature and the B movie. They would show the films continuously.

We would go into the pictures when we arrived, and usually one of the films would be showing. We would then sit through both films, but when we got to the part of the film that was showing when we arrived, we would leave the cinema (unless it was a particularly good ending, in which case we would stay on and see the ending again). If we wanted we could arrive at the pictures as the shows started in the early afternoon and see the films several times, leaving after the last showing. This seems very strange, but in the 60s it was common practice. No wonder drugs became popular!

Frankly, watching films on a loop sounds far more our thing than the wilder aspects of the 1960s; but perhaps that decade would have been wasted upon us… Anyway, our final Will:

I do not regard myself as someone easily susceptible to advertising, but after hearing your latest podcast I left the house for a light lunchtime stroll and felt compelled to take a detour along the main road (which I never do) to buy some Wine Gums (which I have never done). I’m not even that fond of Wine Gums so the action immediately struck me as out of character. It only occurred to me hearing the podcast again that Wine Gums were a central feature and that – clearly -somehow you had used your clandestine persuasion tactics to compel me into buying them.

Answer me this: are you being paid a massive retainer by Maynards for podcast product placement? And are there any other major brands palming you off with cash? Should I expect to be buying a Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition of 7even even though I don’t have a Blu-ray player (nor know what Blu-ray is)? Or will I be booking last-minute holidays at Center Parcs next week, even though I live alone, have no remaining family and hate cycling?

Golly! As if we’d be veritably capable of such devious trickery. Our feelings are so hurt, Will.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 6 Comments »

EPISODE 103 – Guerrillas in the Mist

August 6, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Good day to you, listeners,

Today’s podcast comes to you in association with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Or rather, through a mulch of Krispy Kreme doughnuts; if only we had heeded our grandmothers’ insistence upon not talking with our mouths full. So we suppose Answer Me This! Episode 103 is a bit like dancing on granny’s grave, only without the danger of stubbing our toes on a headstone:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

On today’s conversational rota:

Status Quo vs. Status Quo
Fuck Buttons vs. mini-golf
port
Architects in Helsinki
America’s Best Dance Crew
quesadillas
King Charles II’s prophylactics
Take That’s long-running association with lube
Victorian hair jewellery
True Blood
sweetie cigarettes
and
the George Darte Funeral Home.

Plus: Olly tries to get by in Spanish; Helen’s childhood hobbies are some Benjamin Buttons shit; and Martin the Sound Man was, by the sound of it, abducted by aliens and forced to participate in some giant scat pool party. We also warn off the other Oliver Mann and the other Answer Me This.

Moreover! If you stick around till the end of the episode you will hear how Luke from Cambridge set us the challenge to find an apt collective noun for Answer Me This! listeners; if you have any good ideas for such (keep it clean, now!), please comment below; and as ever, do send us your QUESTIONS by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Au revoir,

Helen and Olly

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Tags: confectionery, contraception, dancing, death, hair, holidays, linguistics, movies, parenting, revenge, royalty, school, sex, siblings, Spain, vampires, war
Posted in PODCASTS, User-generated answers | 41 Comments »

Toyboy

August 5, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for EPISODE 102 **

Readers, it’s time to get your oar in to this romantic dilemma from Amelia from London:

I have recently started going out with this really nice guy. He is funny, smart and not a generic prat like most of the teenage boys I know.

But there is one problem: he is in the year below me and I keep getting called a cradle snatcher, amongst other things so offensive I dare not put them in this email for fear of upsetting Martin the sound man. So answer me this, What do I do?

Courage, Amelia; we think if you go for option 3, the potential teasing will abate pretty quickly – show no shame, and the haterzzzz really won’t have a great deal to go on. And actually, their reaction might be less bad than you think: thanks to Halle Berry, Demi Moore et al, being a cougar is all the rage these days!

But readers, what do you think? VOTE!

We’ve got an alternative suggestion too, if none of the above work: tell everyone he is in fact two years older than you, but was held back in school because he is very stupid.

And at least the whole affair is considerably less transgressive than this very modern romance.

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Tags: romance, school, shame, teenagers in love
Posted in User-generated answers | 10 Comments »

No more tears!

August 5, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for EPISODE 102 **

We’ve had a few tips from listeners regarding how to diminish the cry-powers of the onion, as discussed in Episode 102. Heed the advice of Oliver from Leeds:

Breathing in from your nose draws these chemicals into your eyes. Answer: breathe shallowly through your mouth while cutting onions, always worked for me.

I’ll try that; and maybe contact lens-wearer Olly can test what Jen in Wisconsin suggests:

I am a voracious home cook, and have worked in a cooking school. I wear contact lenses most of the time, and chopping onions hardly ever bothers me. But if I’m just wearing my glasses, then my eyes sting and water. I have never yet heard anyone talk about the fact that contact lenses protect your eyes from onion fumes. And they do have “vanity lenses”, so you can get contacts without corrective lenses.

Happy chopping!

So that‘s why Marilyn Manson always wears his silly cataract-lenses! We assumed it was to look creepy, but really it was to protect himself whilst preparing his soup-bases.

UPDATE: Lew from the Czech Republic advises:

This is a little bit of advice given to me by an Irish girl over twenty years ago. “Chop it in the garden, you stupid sod”. If you are outside, or even near a window or a door with a through draft, it will never make you cry. Such a sensible idea.

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Tags: cookery
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »

EPISODE 102 – a cucumber will never make you cry

July 30, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Well, what a splendid week it has been, what with this and that, and now the cherry on the cake, the ketchup on the potato waffle, the skin on the cocoa: Answer Me This! Episode 102!

This week we discuss such grave matters as:

the perils of pylons
The Mousetrap
Piz Buin vs. L’Oreal
happy-slapping
Dennis Hopper snorting tractor-fuel
The Crying Game
cucumbers
sunbathing in World War II
minicabs
and
Heathrow Terminal 5.

Plus: Olly yet again proves himself way ahead of the curve, having managed to produce a viral song in 1991; Helen stands up for her religious boundary-crossing relationship; Martin the Sound Man has nobody to play with in the swimming pool; and, unknowingly, Inspector Morse comes to our rescue in a matter of correct spelling. Such a gent.

Despite our recent chart-nontopping success, we’re still staying close to our roots and imploring you to send us your QUESTIONS for future episodes. You can submit them in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; we’re not fussy.

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

PS. Anyone who doesn’t believe in the festival of the summer, the Peasenhall Pea Festival: below is photographic evidence!

: Martin the Sound Man gets ready to rock the Peasenhall Pea Festival

: There are more brilliant puns where this came from, would you believe

: Look, it hadn’t started yet, alright?

: Indeed.

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Tags: crime, festivals, linguistics, movies, neighbours, peas, school, spelling, spoilers
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

What a lovely massive cheque; wherever did you get it?

July 30, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 101 **

We love it when listeners write in with the inside scoop on things we discussed in the podcast. For instance, Kat’s exposé of Build-a-Bear, and now, following Jon from Bath’s question about giant cheques in Episode 101, we’ve received the real answer from Adrian from Tolworth:

As a bank employee, I can tell you far more about them than anybody could ever really care.

They cost the bank £1.72 each to produce and are made on laminated paper, so they can be wiped clean and reused. Generally, each branch holds one, which are then lent out to companies or charities as
necessary.

These are not real cheques (for many good reasons), so whenever one is used, they’ll also have to hand over a boring regular-sized cheque as well.

So there isn’t a giant sitting in the back room of HSBC churning them out? Damn. Perhaps some things should remain a mystery.

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Tags: money
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

“I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list”

July 28, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 101 **

Further to the Guardian yesterday anointing us the second-funniest podcast in Christendom, today the estimable London Paper elected us the third best podcast in their Top 10! Click HERE to see for yourself.

What a spiffing week – two press plaudits, and it’s only Tuesday.

Obviously our joy will be punctured if tomorrow we’re number 4 in the Top 10 Most Annoying Knob-Ends on the Web.

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Posted in AMT! press, News | 1 Comment »

Jingles and jollies

July 27, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 101 **

This week is looking excellent already and it’s only Monday lunchtime!

Firstly, for all of you who like to groove along to AMT! jingles, Martin the Sound Man has made some of them available for free download – click HERE to obtain them if you so wish.

Secondly, the Guardian has declared AMT! the second-funniest podcast in the land! Which is extremely nice of them. Click HERE to read the article and see who else has landed in the top 10; meanwhile we will go off and pat ourselves on the back for the rest of the day while we try to answer ourselves this: if we’re now officially funnier than Ricky Gervais, do we get to be as rich as him?

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Posted in AMT! press, Martin the Sound Man, News | 2 Comments »

You may now kiss the bride…if her faceful of bees doesn’t put you off.

July 27, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 101 **

In Episode 101 Helen sounded off about the homogeneity of wedding photos on Facebook. Then she felt a little bit guilty about it, until an ambassador of the Lord Almighty emailed in to confirm her jaundiced views – Adrian, a priest from Belfast:

I completely agree with your determination that, no matter the details, most weddings are basically the same! Obviously it’s part of my job, and weddings are really great things to be part of; but so far there’s been very little that has made any weddings at which I’ve officiated different from the others, special though each one was.

So, in order for me to appropriately advise couples in relation to their approaching nuptials, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what on earth can anyone do to make their wedding interesting and different without making it a gimmick-laden waste of time for all involved?

Well of course everyone in the whole world has given this wedding gimmick the thumbs up; and I doubt one would forget the ceremonies of these brave chaps or this possibly friendless groom. But readers, let’s consider couples who don’t see themselves as dancers or zoophiles: what other charming ways can you think of to distinguish one’s nuptials from the rest? Please comment below! And no, splashing out on the napkin rings will NOT cut the mustard…

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Tags: romance, weddings
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

EPISODE 101 – like The Wire, but in Crystal Palace

July 23, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Dear space cadets,

It’s been 40 years since the moon landings, can you believe! Well, we’re sure you can; those things were bloody AGES ago. But can you even believe it’s been a whole week since AMT100? Not as impressive a quantity of time as has elapsed since men got space-dust on their shoes, to be sure; but it’s somewhat relevant here because it means it’s time for Episode 101:

In this episode we wag our chins about:

Fanny Hill
Waitrose
Juicy Couture
the cakewalk
Paul Merton vs. George Orwell
Mr Kipling and his maverick ‘Like This, Try This’ feature
Animal Cops Houston
Adrian Mole’s diet
shell suits
Manor House
nuptual napery
Crocs
and
omelette.

Plus, Olly explains fusion food for plebs; handicrafty Helen offers tips for DIY contraceptives; and Martin the Sound Man turns out to be the only sentient being under the age of 70 to enjoy a dry fruitcake. Of all the cakes in all the world, he just has to go for the crap ones.

You know what we would ALL like more than inedibly dry fruitcake though? Your questions! Thwack them at top speed into our question-basket by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voice message by Skypeing answermethis or calling 0208 123 5877. Furthermore, please leave a comment below if you can name the album cover that Callum is so keen to identify.

If you are all worn out after that and crave some musical compilations to listen to as you recuperate on your chaise longue, you could check out our inaptly named Celebrity Playlist on iTunes. It works even if you don’t actually have a chaise longue. Fancy! While you’re reclining you can also listen to Helen on the Richard Bacon Show on BBC Live tonight from 11pm-1am, discussing the most pressing topics of the day and trying to stay awake past her bedtime.

That is all for now, so we shall see you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: cake, cohabitation, cookery, crime, dancing, finance, heartbreak, jews, music, romance, sartoria, weddings
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Visual aids

July 22, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

For those of you who forswore the enhanced podcast and the Facebook album, but still hunger for pictorial accompaniments to AMT100, click on the picture below for a slideshow!