Improbably, here’s a double bill of questions about Glastonbury. The first is from Cara from Somerset:
I live in Somerset and as you may or may not know, EVERYONE in Somerset goes to Glastonbury festival in the summer. I have been every year for free. This year I hope to go for free again. I have a friend whose dad has loads of friends who work at festivals so they go to loads of festivals every year for free.
This year she has said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry, I’ll get you in for free,” which is nice. But she is a bit untrustworthy, when she says she will do something, I don’t know if she will do it. Also she seems to be less and less certain, saying to me that I “have to think positive”.
So answer me this: shall I try to get a resale ticket and spend a massive 200 quid (I earn £3 an hour) or should I put faith in my friend and risk not going????
Are there no other freeloader options you can explore? Eg: contacting your friend’s dad directly; contacting whoever got you in for free in previous years; volunteering for one of the charities that operates there; working for the festival itself?
If you’ve exhausted all those options, ask yourself whether it’s really work 66.7 of your working hours (more when you calculate your net income) for a long weekend that will be not that dissimilar to all the previous Glastonburys.
If your friend doesn’t come through in the end, stage your own Glastonbury at home: don’t wash for five days, fill your shoes with mud, smoke a dried dock leaf that someone sold to you under the pretense it was weed. At bedtime, put some trance music on really loudly in the next room, then make sure that every 40 minutes someone wakes you up by shouting and falling over your bed.
Joseph from Seattle writes about the other facet of Glastonbury’s fame:
I’m reading ‘The Idylls of the King’ (pronounced “idles” over here) and Sir Percival tells that Joseph of Arimathea took the holy grail to Glastonbury after the death of Christ.
I’ve never been to Glastonbury so, answer me this: can you imagine one of the most sacred relics of the Christian mythology being in Glastonbury?
Sure – it’s probably tucked away behind one of the shops selling tie dye and Wiccan paraphernalia.
I’m such a fool. All this time I’ve been resigning burnt food to the compost heap, thus missing out on a potential eBay goldmine! Dan from Telford writes:
It’s a tortilla with ET’s face on it and the starting bid is a whopping $93,250!!!
It’s definitely the strangest thing I’ve ever seen on eBay but please answer me this, what’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen on an online auction site??
Readers, over to you. Go to the comments and tell us about your most ludicrous ‘online auction site’ findings – or even purchases. At least one of you must have bid and won on an omelette that looks like the Virgin Mary.
Incidentally, at time of writing, the ETortilla has attracted zero bids. Also the same seller is touting a CD by ‘guitarist extraordinaire’ Turbo for bids over $10,000. Maybe they don’t have a very good grasp of the use of decimal points.
Today, we set you some coursework. We need you to conduct practical experiments into Thorntons‘ personalised icing policies, and report the results with illustrative materials. Your challenge is fully explained in Answer Me This! Episode 243:
Wherein we contemplate:
Roland Wank
elephant gelatine Frankel
Milky Way
Percy Pig and Pals confectionery counterfeits Game On
cutlery rules
bow tie rules
Monopoly real estate
dishwasher doors
Rizla+
Bill Bottrell
Mr Mars
Olympics keyrings Brent Dixon’s keychains
the mystery of ‘Black or White’
and
onesies.
Plus: Olly admits that he likes to be infantilised, to the surprise of nobody; Helen finds out where to pass ‘Go’, but nobody gives her £200; and capitalist Martin the Sound Man gets trumped playing Socialist Monopoly.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we discuss Channel 4’s Wank Week, which never aired because it was too classy for their schedules.
Don’t think you’re too classy to send us your QUESTIONS: all are welcome, so email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
PS Remember, every week you can receive an extra shot of us talking if you listen to BBC 5 Live’s Let’s Talk About Tech podcast. PPS You can receive numerous extra shots of Martin the Sound Man by seeking out his myriad other podcasts: The Sound of the Ladies podcast, the Brain Train podcast, the Global Lab podcast…
Our quaint retro Wee Britain customs have perplexed Cameron from Hamilton, New Zealand:
I was recently listening to some earlier episodes of Answer Me This! and you were asked a question about beefeaters.
In my city we have a restaurant called Beef Eaters, and your answer to the question confused the crap out of me because I got the impression that beefeaters are people.
So answer me this, what are beefeaters? Perhaps this is a British thing which is not replicated where I come from, in New Zealand.
Indeed, it’s a British thing that’s not really replicated even in the rest of Britain that isn’t the Tower of London. But your fellow countrypeople are not completely estranged from the custom – look!
So as you can see, your suspicion was correct: beefeaters ARE people, indeed a crack team of yeoman warders who act as living breathing tourist attractionsceremonial guardians of the Tower of London.
Their beef-eating name, by popular legend, came from the notion that they had to taste-test the monarch’s food (beef – monarchs love beef) for poison, but more realistically from the fact that they used to be partially paid in beef.
Just to cause you extra confusion, Cameron, there IS also a restaurant chain here called Beefeater, but unlike the beefeaters, it was not founded by Henry VII in 1485.
Furthermore, there’s also Beefeater Gin, which even more confusingly contains no beef and cannot be eaten as it is a drink.
James (not Bond) in Porthcawl has noticed a flaw in the otherwise absolutely true to life Skyfall:
Whilst Skyfall is a great film in many respects, there is one element that troubles me.
There is a section in the film where Daniel Craig’s Bond is reunited with the iconic Aston Martin DB5.
Not just any DB5, but the actual gadget- and gun-laden DB5 used by Sean Connery’s Bond in Goldfinger, which was last seen being crashed into a wall in 1964.
It’s made clear in Skyfall that this car is in the personal possession of Bond, apparently in full working order including ammunition, stored away for when it’s needed.
So answer me this: how the naked arse does Craig’s Bond have this vehicle? No explanation is offered in the film. Are we to assume that Craig’s Bond is the same Bond who carried out the Goldfinger mission? Without time travel there seems to be no way for the car to have passed ownership from one Bond to another in this way.
Please help me resolve this as it’s making my head hurt.
You’re watching a film based on a character who’s been portrayed over half a century by seven actors with completely different faces/voices/heights/hair, who mixes only with stupidly-named women, is the least discreet spy of all time, has myriad emotional problems that the viewer is expected to overlook, who never does his paperwork properly, and would be well into his eighties or even nineties if time was running as it should – and THIS is your problem?
Stop trying to apply logic to the Bond universe and have a lie down.
Wince, flinch and shudder at this question from Issy, 19, in Manchester:
What word did people use to describe the act/feeling of ‘cringing’ before the word ‘cringing’?
I hate the word really, but I can’t think of any other word which works as perfectly in the situation!
I don’t mean to insult you, Issy, but a more interesting question is what the word ‘cringe’ was up to before it meant ‘cringe’ – back 800 or so years ago, it meant ‘die in battle’! Truefact.
And it would be a bit silly of you to like the word, when it encapsulates your visceral reaction to things you dislike.
Plus: Olly wonders why the Black Eyed Peas are so keen to shut things down; Helen hates children who have far better business sense than she has, or ever will have; and Martin the Sound Man thinks an ornamental fence is no obstacle to ardour.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we go more bananas for bananas, except for bananas that are a year old.
We go bananas for your QUESTIONS, so email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
I bet many of you readers have made the same well-intentioned faux pas as Jim in Barcelona:
As I travelled home by metro this evening in the beautiful city of Barcelona I had what I hope is the last awkward experience on this mode of transport.
I am in my 50th year and was brought up proper an’ that. This means that if I am on public transport I will stay alert for passengers who may be more deserving of a seat than me, a reasonably fit, able-bodied man.
Tonight for AT LEAST the seventh time in the last year I offered my seat to a lady, who I assumed was “with child”. The microwave stare I received when I stood and nodded in the direction of the seat told me she was not “with child” but more “with fondness for a cooked breakfast”. It’s a minefield here: many Latino women have slim faces and legs, but are “well nourished” around the midriff.
So, answer me this: other than the protruding belly, are there there any other outward signs of pregnancy that will help me avoid these situations in the future? Is there a swollen gland or other body part that is a giveaway that the woman has had an encounter with a live rather than cooked sausage?
‘Swollen gland’? Well, they have a mucus plug in their cervix, but checking that is going to create more problems than it solves. Similarly, pregnant women’s boobs are usually bigger, but studying their boobs for signs of distension is unlikely lessen the awkwardness of this interaction. Perhaps Jim could look out for the swollen ankles – even if not pregnant, somebody with swollen ankles probably needs to sit down.
Readers, if you know any other external signs Jim should look out for, tell him in the comments. Otherwise he’s going to have to start carrying his own ultrasound scanner on public transport.
PS Well done to Transport for London for their ‘Baby on Board’ badges. Sure, there’s something a bit mawkish about them, but they sure do save on awkwardness. Perhaps Jim could lobby Transports Metropolitans de Barcelona to introduce the same.
To the left, to the left, is Paul Merton always looking at a box to the left? You listeners don’t agree with Olly’s hypothesis from AMT241, but nor do you agree with each other. Firstly, Joss in Smethwick posits:
My ears pricked up when you mentioned Paul Merton’s tendency to look off-screen to his left. You suggested that he does this after telling a joke in order to get a second laugh. I’m afraid this cannot be the answer because, as you will now notice next time you watch the show, he does it most of the time.
I know this because I spotted it once and now I can’t not see it all the time.
I think I’ve worked it out though. He appears to do it more when the host is talking. I think he is reading the autocue along with the host, possibly so he can think of his responses before the fact or maybe it’s just a habit.
This hypothesis is corroborated by Jack in Gateshead:
He’s watching the presenter’s autocue – it’s very different to the general looks he give to the audience.
He does this a lot more these days. I noticed it first when they had particularly feckless guest presenters, but he now does it non-stop. You can see him reacting to gags before they’re read out, especially the bad ones.
However, Tom from York disagrees:
Paul Merton isn’t looking stage left, he’s looking straight out to the audience. His desk is at an angle to the front of the stage, but the mid-shots are parallel to the desk, so it looks like he’s looking left. But he’s not. Just to clear that up.
I’ve got another theory: Paul Merton favours the right side of his face, one of the many things he and Mariah Carey have in common.
More news of other well-known figures of the entertainment industry, as featured in AMT241 – Nina writes:
Last week you were discussing the Brand New Heavies. Previous member Jay Ella Ruth is actually now an English teacher at Chiswick School (in Chiswick). She is eccentric but a lovely teacher.
I know this because she teaches me!!!!
Anyone else out there taught by ex-members of the acid jazz movement?
My girlfriend and I just exchanged Christmas presents the other day and, for Christmas, she’s taking me to Disneyland. I got her a duffel bag.
Answer me this, what can I do to make up for the fact that I got her a shit present?
Pull something pretty incredible out of the (not duffel) bag, Trevor! A swanky weekend away might work, or showering her with luxuries when you’re at Disneyland – I’ve never been so I don’t know, but is there something like Dumbo’s Champagne Bar or Bambi’s Spa and Pedicure lounge?
Readers, go to the comments and help a man out before his girlfriend pushes him off the tallest turret of the Disney castle.
Happy new year, listeners! Behold the first podcast of 2013, Answer Me This! Episode 241:
Today we talk of:
Paul Merton
manatee poo
summer lovin’
Jools Holland’s personal Portmeirion
gingerbread houses vs. Grand Designs
the Brand New Heavies
birth days
car calorie counting Tweet
Kate Middleton’s trendsetting womb
Tulisa’s titillating tape
Anne Hathaway’s minge
New Year’s purges
and
timberrrrrrrrr!
Plus: Olly is a bit disappointed by a big fake clock; Helen does not want your gifts, nor does she deserve them; and Martin the Sound Man sets Jay Kay a parsimonious budget so that he can stretch his acid jazz fortune a little further without skimping on treats.
Further to our royal foetus discussion, in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we deliberate over which royal we’d choose to have a baby with – because if and when that opportunity rises, you do want to have given it proper consideration beforehand. Otherwise you might end up co-parenting with Prince Michael of Kent. Nobody wants that.
What we DO want are QUESTIONS for the new year. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Answer Me This! Podcast 