After a refreshing month in the Podcasters’ Rehabilitation Facility, we’re back with springs in our step, twinkles in our eyes, and most importantly (as far as you’re concerned), Answer Me This! Episode 125:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Into which vessel we pour such conversational juices as:
Jason Orange
henbane
Carl Perkins
the Sugababes
John Steinbeck
psoriasis vs. cirrhosis Voodoo Doughnut fail
Boney M x4
Columbia Law School
Duffy by proxy
the truth and Alan Titchmarsh
Rickrolling
deuce (not the band!)
and
the sex life of E.M. Forster.
Plus: Olly opens up a can of whup-ass on a listener who is an even more massive pedant than Helen; Helen yearns one day to be given the sack; and Martin the Sound Man has a practical solution for all you flatulent yoga-practicing types out there.
For more solutions, practical or impractical, to YOUR QUESTIONS, send us an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. If you do that, we can come back next week to answer yet more of your questions, see? How splendid! See you then!
Helen and Olly
PS. Help yourself to a bit of Olly’s birth-song ‘Stand and Deliver’, why don’t you? And head to the comments to tell us what was the Number 1 song on the day you were born, too!
Wade back in your memory through the mists of time, around the bog of forgetfulness, and over the stile of reminiscence, right the way to the end of the last series of Answer Me This!, then append the following observations supplied by our beloved listeners. Firstly, Jim in New Jersey:
You may have strongly doubted the origins of the wedding kiss in an actual ritual consummation, but how about this for a dramatic touch? Margaret Mead documented a primitive wedding ceremony performed by a tribe in New Guinea in which the newly wedded couple copulated on a wooden platform in front of all the villagers. At the moment of climax, a huge pile of lumber was released from above them, crushing them to death. One would think this ritual might have a negative effect on population growth.
Not only that, it would really decimate the honeymoon industry. If this came back in vogue, Sandals resorts would close overnight!
On a related note, Matt, who calls himself ‘Moo’ (each to their own), suggests we all have a little paddle in the following pool of schadenfreude:
In Episode 123 you were discussing proposals in public and how shameful it would be – well have a look at this for the ultimate humiliation, and the amazing premonition-like commentators:
Don’t cry, she’s probably just popped off to the loo for a sec. Right? Right?
Two doses in one day of parents making kids feel uncomfortable? Why the hell not! Here’s a distress call from Heather from Manchester:
My mum’s boyfriend says things to me like “Do you want me to come and rub your back for you in the shower?” and “Do you want to play strip poker with me?” I find this to be really inappropriate and pervy. My mum doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong in what he says so answer me this: is he a perv or am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Also how can I stop him saying these sorts of things to me?
By the way I am 15 and he is in his late 50s.
Of course tone is important, but written down he does look a bit pervy to us; so readers, if you have any ideas to help Heather to get him to stop, please outline them in a comment below. Better yet, if you work in Social Services, pack your bags – we’ve got a little job for you in Manchester…
Seeing as we’re on this uncomfortable subject, let’s also address this question from Oliver from Cambridge:
I was listening to the Stereophonics album Language. Sex. Violence. Other? and there’s a great song on there called “Lolita”.
After wikipedia-ing the song, I found out that Kelly Jones, the lead singer, actually named his daughter Lolita – that’s right, after the sexually promiscuous 12-year-old girl in the Vladimir Nabokov novel and associated films. This struck me as a spectacularly awful name to call your daughter.
So answer me this: what children’s names have you heard that you think are terrible?
A couple of years ago, Olly met a little boy who appeared to have been named ‘Cunty’. That’s right! If you can beat that, write a comment below, and if we get enough, we’ll charter a coach to take all the unfortunates to the deed poll office.
Cover your eyes, clutch your pearls, and have a big cringe along with Sean from Kings Lynn:
A couple of weeks ago my parents presented me with a plastic box, while they stood there I opened it to reveal they had given me 200+ condoms, amongst them there was pineapple flavour!
So, Answer Me This:
What’s The Weirdest Thing Your Parents Have Given To You As A Present? (Olly Excluding The Thong!)
Well, if you’re excluding the thong, Sean (Episode 89 if you need a refresher, people!), then Olly is going to have to stand down this round. But between you lot, you must have memories of some time when your parents celebrated your birthday or Christmas with a big beribboned box of Wrong, in comparison to which Sean’s parents merely look like health campaigners urging Sean to remember to practice safe sex and eat his Five A Day. Am I right? Then please share in the comments!
The first five entries are in, fighting it out for viewers on YouTube to win a very special prize. Shriek!
First out the traps was James S from Lincolnshire, who took our Question Line number and made it sound a bit like the Hollyoaks theme:
Then came this catchy effort from merbs42, which lingered a little too long on Martin the Sound Man for Olly’s liking, but was otherwise very charming, and achieved the rare feat of making leprosy seem in any way desirable:
If we were going to get all wanky about it, the third video response we received, from eucharyst, is more of an ‘ident’ than a jingle, seeing as it’s essentially a spoken-word sketch and not a song. But since it so excellently approximates the House Style of early Answer Me This!, (the rock n’roll years) we will most definitely let him have it:
There was a bluesy-folk feel to entry No.4, which came from a young man by the name of thethickisplottened:
(We confess to being rather partial to this. Though that is largely because we also like this video he made about cheese):
The fifth and final entry so far is from Matt1046: a knees-up, Los Colorados-style Soviet singalong with some accomplished animated visuals:
So, there you have it.
A strong start to what is shaping up, as always, to be a tremendous competition. And it’s certainly not too late to give it a go: remember, Brad and Josh’s victorious ‘double entry’ to our 2008 Camcorder Challenge wasn’t submitted until quite late into the process, and there’s still weeks to go – so it’s all to play for. Literally.
Forgive us, but we’re all tired out at the end of this series of Answer Me This! – it’s been our longest one so far! And while we’re off on our anecdote-gathering trips in February, we want you to do a little something for us. Something fun and exciting. Find out what in Episode 124:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda today are:
the cockblocking face of Gareth Gates True Blood
SOHCAHTOA Fatal Attraction
cuddling vs. cortisol
Mitchell’n’Webb
nudie pics
mad actors The Reader
the sexy Saw ride
and
Aslan.
Plus: Olly takes umbrage with ancient Canadian traditions; Helen totally fails the 1990s Culture module at the University of Life; and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t want to see any of those nasty films with boffing in them, OK? So stop sending him copies of Nine Songs in the post!
Now, it’s with great solemnity that we bid adieu to you until 4th March – but make sure we come back with a bang by supplying us with YOUR QUESTIONS, via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully you will look forward to hearing from us. You might also be looking forward to hearing a free Audible audiobook, which you can get HERE. That should obliterate a few hours of silence while we’re off air, no?
Please treat yourselves nicely during February, and we’ll see you right back here before you know it!
Breaking News! Charlie from London, the adventurous chap who asked about swinging with his wife and colleague in Episode 123, has provided us with an update on three points:
The conversations I’ve had with my wife were not awkward for either of us as we have a very strong relationship and talk about everything without fear of upsetting each other. It turns out my wife Kim had been thinking about similar things for a while, so she has enthusiastically agreed. As for your last point: if I would have a problem with my wife sleeping with other men, I would never even have suggested swinging. Obviously.
Fair enough, and congrats to Charlie and Kim for embarking on this exciting new era in their relationship. We certainly make no moral judgements about sexual proclivities here, or else we could scarcely look Martin the Sound Man in the eye…
However, even if their marriage is as stable as Charlie claims, we’re yet to be convinced this will pan out well at Charlie’s workplace. How, exactly, are those ‘watercooler moments’ going to go? “Did you see Dancing On Ice last night?… Where were you thinking of having lunch today?… Do you fancy fisting this weekend?”
It’s fascinating territory and one that, thank the Lord, has never been broached at AMT! Towers. But, Charlie – keep us up to date.
In the meantime, here’s Bing Crosby singing about swinging. He certainly makes it sound lovely!
Following the full and gory details of OIly’s shoulder dislocation in Episode 123, Niall from Newcastle has been in touch with a horror story of his own:
I feel Olly’s plight. I went skiing over the Christmas week and after one day and a half day fell ill, and after two days I went to the doctors, by which time we knew it definitely was not food poisoning! I was immediately hospitalised with appendicitis and was operated on the next day which was Christmas Eve, which had many complications; the appendix having already split and part of my colon was removed. I had to spend 9 days in hospital, and bearing in mind I was in France, the only comfort I had was that my French was improving quickly! I arrived back in the UK on the 1st January, and still have an open wound on my side from the operations…
Sheesh! In the grand scheme of things, compared to Olly’s unspectacular 1 metre drop to the ground after only 90 seconds of skiing, it seems it could have been rather worse. We hope this picture of Olly looking glam in the awesome Canadian Rockies cheers you up, Niall:
I'm smiling now but in a week I'll be on Valium for back-pain
Meanwhile, Ben from Oxford writes:
Helen and Olly, Answer Me This: After my arm was put in a sling, why did my mother make me spaghetti for my first supper?
Well, Ben. I think that’s because, as we’re all learning, life can be CRUEL.
Seems Canada survived Olly’s recent skiing trip intact, but did Olly himself? Did you have a sweepstake on just how long he would succeed on the slopes? Find out whether he was a natural snowMann or pisspoor on the piste in Answer Me This! Episode 123 [or just ask his doctor]:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Wherein we talk of:
Pinocchio’s nose: logical tool or moral tool?
the pain of childbirth The Wedding Banquet one SICK PUPPY (mildly NSFW, unless you are happy for your colleagues to think you are a bit of a perv)
keratin
driving with Homer Simpson
cod liver oil
bums vs. sharks
the wrong way to achieve the work/life balance
and
fugu.
Plus: Olly finds himself uncharacteristically bashful at being the centre of attention; Helen outlines the original sense of ‘no glove, no love’; and Martin the Sound Man thinks that a really intelligent question is one about pissing into a jug. Incidentally, last week he was setting exam questions for Physics undergraduates; so if you happen to be sitting one of Dr Austwick’s papers, by that standard you should sail through.
Now, don’t be upset, but this is the penultimate episode in the current series of Answer Me This!; we’ll be back on 4th March with renewed question-answering vigour. But tune in next Thursday for Episode 124, in which we have a very exciting announcement. No, none of us our pregnant. Guess again. No, we’re not undergoing gender reassignment either. Shut up.
So until then, chop chop and get your free Audible audiobooks HERE – and please ask all your friends and enemies to take up the offer as well! You could also tell them to ask us a QUESTION for next series, by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leaving a message with Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. And in return we’ll…um…dedicate a bench to you?
See you next week!
Helen and Olly
PS As promised, this is for all you toenail fetishists out there:
Better late than never, eh? Both for me posting this feedback from listener Stuart, and for finding out your family pet has been hiding inside your kitchen equipment. Harking back to Episode 119, Stuart says:
Listening to your story about the cat falling into the pot of stock reminded me about a guy I knew a few years back. His kids had a hamster that went missing, and despite searching the house high and low, they just could not find it. Eventually they just stopped looking and got on with their life.
They did eventually did find it some time later when they filled their kettle by taking the lid off instead of just filling it through the spout.
There was the bloated body of the hamster, having been boiled numerous times a day for about two weeks.
I found it hilarious at the time and it still makes me smile.
This is the British version of those American horror stories about finding an alligator in your lavatory, isn’t it?
Many of you – not quite as many as have asked what’s up with Martin’s voice, but still lots – have posed this question:
What do Greek people say instead of the phrase, “It’s all Greek to me”?
We’ve done the proper proper research, by befriending a genuine Greek person some seven years ago just in the hope that one day, they would come in useful (aside from teaching us some ingenious squid recipes).
According to the genuine Grecian, he and his fellow compatriates say, “It’s all Chinese to me.”
So, what we need to find out now is: which language do Chinese people pick on in this idiom? If you’re a Chinese speaker, enlighten us in the comments below.
Answer Me This! Podcast 