Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

Beefeating

January 24, 2013

yoeman-guard

CLICK HERE FOR AMT242

Our quaint retro Wee Britain customs have perplexed Cameron from Hamilton, New Zealand:

I was recently listening to some earlier episodes of
Answer Me This! and you were asked a question about beefeaters.

In my city we have a restaurant called Beef Eaters, and your answer to the question confused the crap out of me because I got the impression that beefeaters are people.

So answer me this, what are beefeaters? Perhaps this is a British thing which is not replicated where I come from, in New Zealand.

Indeed, it’s a British thing that’s not really replicated even in the rest of Britain that isn’t the Tower of London. But your fellow countrypeople are not completely estranged from the custom – look!

So as you can see, your suspicion was correct: beefeaters ARE people, indeed a crack team of yeoman warders who act as living breathing tourist attractionsceremonial guardians of the Tower of London.

Their beef-eating name, by popular legend, came from the notion that they had to taste-test the monarch’s food (beef – monarchs love beef) for poison, but more realistically from the fact that they used to be partially paid in beef.

Just to cause you extra confusion, Cameron, there IS also a restaurant chain here called Beefeater, but unlike the beefeaters, it was not founded by Henry VII in 1485.

Furthermore, there’s also Beefeater Gin, which even more confusingly contains no beef and cannot be eaten as it is a drink.

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Bond inconsistencies

January 23, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT242

James (not Bond) in Porthcawl has noticed a flaw in the otherwise absolutely true to life Skyfall:

Whilst Skyfall is a great film in many respects, there is one element that troubles me.

There is a section in the film where Daniel Craig’s Bond is reunited with the iconic Aston Martin DB5.
Not just any DB5, but the actual gadget- and gun-laden DB5 used by Sean Connery’s Bond in
Goldfinger, which was last seen being crashed into a wall in 1964.

It’s made clear in Skyfall that this car is in the personal possession of Bond, apparently in full working order including ammunition, stored away for when it’s needed.

So answer me this: how the naked arse does Craig’s Bond have this vehicle? No explanation is offered in the film. Are we to assume that Craig’s Bond is the same Bond who carried out the Goldfinger mission? Without time travel there seems to be no way for the car to have passed ownership from one Bond to another in this way.

Please help me resolve this as it’s making my head hurt.

You’re watching a film based on a character who’s been portrayed over half a century by seven actors with completely different faces/voices/heights/hair, who mixes only with stupidly-named women, is the least discreet spy of all time, has myriad emotional problems that the viewer is expected to overlook, who never does his paperwork properly, and would be well into his eighties or even nineties if time was running as it should – and THIS is your problem?

Stop trying to apply logic to the Bond universe and have a lie down.

o-JAMES-BOND-SKYFALL-570

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cringe!

January 23, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT242

Wince, flinch and shudder at this question from Issy, 19, in Manchester:

What word did people use to describe the act/feeling of ‘cringing’ before the word ‘cringing’?

I hate the word really, but I can’t think of any other word which works as perfectly in the situation!

I don’t mean to insult you, Issy, but a more interesting question is what the word ‘cringe’ was up to before it meant ‘cringe’ – back 800 or so years ago, it meant ‘die in battle’! Truefact.

And it would be a bit silly of you to like the word, when it encapsulates your visceral reaction to things you dislike.

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pregnant or plump passenger predicament

January 17, 2013

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CLICK HERE FOR AMT241

I bet many of you readers have made the same well-intentioned faux pas as Jim in Barcelona:

As I travelled home by metro this evening in the beautiful city of Barcelona I had what I hope is the last awkward experience on this mode of transport.

I am in my 50th year and was brought up proper an’ that. This means that if I am on public transport I will stay alert for passengers who may be more deserving of a seat than me, a reasonably fit, able-bodied man.

Tonight for AT LEAST the seventh time in the last year I offered my seat to a lady, who I assumed was “with child”. The microwave stare I received when I stood and nodded in the direction of the seat told me she was not “with child” but more “with fondness for a cooked breakfast”. It’s a minefield here: many Latino women have slim faces and legs, but are “well nourished” around the midriff.

So, answer me this: other than the protruding belly, are there there any other outward signs of pregnancy that will help me avoid these situations in the future? Is there a swollen gland or other body part that is a giveaway that the woman has had an encounter with a live rather than cooked sausage?

‘Swollen gland’? Well, they have a mucus plug in their cervix, but checking that is going to create more problems than it solves. Similarly, pregnant women’s boobs are usually bigger, but studying their boobs for signs of distension is unlikely lessen the awkwardness of this interaction. Perhaps Jim could look out for the swollen ankles – even if not pregnant, somebody with swollen ankles probably needs to sit down.

Readers, if you know any other external signs Jim should look out for, tell him in the comments. Otherwise he’s going to have to start carrying his own ultrasound scanner on public transport.

PS Well done to Transport for London for their ‘Baby on Board’ badges. Sure, there’s something a bit mawkish about them, but they sure do save on awkwardness. Perhaps Jim could lobby Transports Metropolitans de Barcelona to introduce the same.

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Disney vs duffel bags

January 16, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT241

Trevor in Tucson is a duffer of duffels:

My girlfriend and I just exchanged Christmas presents the other day and, for Christmas, she’s taking me to Disneyland. I got her a duffel bag.

Answer me this, what can I do to make up for the fact that I got her a shit present?

Pull something pretty incredible out of the (not duffel) bag, Trevor! A swanky weekend away might work, or showering her with luxuries when you’re at Disneyland – I’ve never been so I don’t know, but is there something like Dumbo’s Champagne Bar or Bambi’s Spa and Pedicure lounge?

Readers, go to the comments and help a man out before his girlfriend pushes him off the tallest turret of the Disney castle.

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commemorative Cohen

January 10, 2013

CATCH UP ON EPISODES OF AMT

Someone might as well benefit from a sad situation, but Mark in Portland, Oregon‘s conscience is piquing him:

When we saw that Leonard Cohen was coming to Portland, we were excited. Then we saw that tickets were over $120 each! I’m sure this is his last tour and I was sad not to be going.

Then a few weeks ago, my friend told me that his mother had tickets to the show, but she had died unexpectedly and wanted us to have her tickets. We are at once embarrassed and grateful for this awkward opportunity.

We want to honor my best friend’s mom somehow, so we feel like we aren’t just somehow benefitting from a wonderful person’s death.

So, answer me this: what should we do to enjoy the show without feeling like total assholes?

Ask your friend whether there was a good cause which was particularly dear to his mother and donate the equivalent ticket money to them, or to a charity whose mission is to prevent whatever caused her unexpected death. Also check whether you can be any help to your friend in sorting out her estate – to take some of the weight off his shoulders, not just so you can rifle through her collection of Leonard Cohen records.

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legs ahoy

January 9, 2013

CATCH UP ON EPISODES OF AMT

Of all the adult websites in all the world, Barry from Melbourne stumbled upon this one:

Would you tell a friend’s wife if you found pictures of her naked, on an adult amateur website?

I am not just talking sexy lingerie shots, this is full legs ahoy stuff?

It would be a rather great coincidence if the wife just happened to raise her legs in the ahoy position by accident, at a moment when, unbeknownst to her, a camera shutter just happened to be closing. Is it not rather possible, nay likely, that she is complicit in the creation and distribution of these pictures? Or at least, not so unaware of their existence and destination that she would require you to illuminate her?

The real question is:

Do you want your friend’s wife to know that you know what she looks like when doing the YMCA dance with her legs?

Friends, step into the comments and assist Barry with some soothing, sensible words. He seems a little frazzled. That’s what too much time perusing the internet will do to a mind.

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mile high Christmas

December 18, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR THE BEST OF AMT2012 part 1

Over the AMT years, we thought we made it clear that we are not keen on the idea of joining the Mile High Club. We cannot feel sexy on planes because we are too busy thinking about death/trying to stop our eyeballs drying out/watching as many 2.5-star films as we can. Plus plane lavatories, the traditional location for an exquisite and classy act of mid-air copulation, are disgusting.

But despite all this, Lauren in Canada is undeterred:

So I am from England and my boyfriend is Canadian. We are currently living together in Canada but we will be flying over to London to spend this Christmas with my family.

Our plane takes off just before midnight and will be a nice night flight. I am thinking this is the perfect opportunity to try and join the mile high club, you know just for a laugh. The lights will be dimmed, and most people will be trying to sleep, so should be easy enough to sneak off to the bathroom.

I am aware that it’s not going to be mind blowing or romantic, I just want to have the experience. Id even be happy with some heavy petting under the complimentary blankets!!!!

However, the boyfriend isn’t too keen on the idea and told me that it’s a ‘federal offence’. I think he is scared at being marched through Heathrow in handcuffs whilst meeting my Dad for the first time.

So Helen and Olly, answer me this: Can we really get into actual serious trouble?

AND

more importantly, how can I pursuade him to give it a try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First question first: realistically, unless you’re doing something VERY depraved and disruptive to others, your punishment is likely to be no stronger than a frown and a polite admonition from the flight attendants. But technically it could be a legal transgression, depending upon the laws of the country of take-off, the country of landing, and the country you’re flying over at the time. So choose your moment carefully, Lauren, because if you get caught over Greenland, they’ll feed your genitals to a polar bear.

As for your second question, reread the opening paragraph, Lauren. We cannot overcome our horror to help you. However, perhaps our disgusting and unhygienicracy and adventurous readers can assist? Go to the comments and suggest to Lauren how she can convince her reluctant boyfriend to let her ring his jingle bells at 30,000 feet.

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crafty Christmas cadeaux

December 11, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT240

Here is a question of Christmas and crafts from Elizabeth:

I am in college and very poor. So instead of giving presents I bought at a shop for Christmas, I give homemade presents. Answer me this: how do I know if my friends and family enjoy the gifts or if they are just being polite?

Even with presents you have bought at a shop, you cannot truly know. Of course, when you’ve invested your time, skill and artistry into the present, those doubts can be even harder to vanquish. A clue is whether the recipients are still keeping the items prominently displayed around the house by Easter.

Readers, what do you think? If someone gives you a home-made object, do you treasure it for the uniqueness and effort, or do you curse it and its creator for not buying you a ‘proper’ present? Please inform Elizabeth in the comments.

I am biased because I don’t particularly enjoy receiving gifts any more, while I do make a lot of stupid ones for my nearest and dearest. For instance, last Christmas I gave my brother a home-made red felt lobster that was three feet long. I’m not certain that he liked it, but at least I could be sure he didn’t already have one.

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Jewish race tongue

December 11, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT240

-1

Above is a photo sent to us by Stephen in Tokyo, who asks:

What is a Jewish race tongue?

I’ve attached a photo of the English version of instructions for disposing of rubbish in my building. The instructions won’t win any prizes for literary style but I can just about guess what it most of it means…except for the bit about a Jewish race tongue. What is it and how big is one? Is there a chance that I may have unwittingly disposed of one in the wrong fashion?

Readers, could you go to the comments to shed light up this? Perhaps you could feed the phrase ‘Jewish race tongue’ into Google Translate, turn it back into Japanese, and translate that properly.

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slebspots

December 5, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT239

Our next correspondent Chris is from Hollywood, so it’s little wonder he is touched by fame! Alright, Hollywood in Solihull. Which is why he’s been touched by very minor fame:

In 1989, Dave Benson Philips made my mum a balloon hat at Chessington.

In 2009 I attended a preview screening of Ice Age 3 with my son, and sat slightly near Alison from Big Brother 3.

In 2010 I walked past Paul Lewis from Radio 4’s Moneybox Live in Euston station. He was sitting on the railing outside the paperchase kiosk.

in December 2012 I bumped into Martin the Sound Man at All Tomorrow’s Parties.

So answer me this: what’s your least impressive celebrity sighting, that you will still fondly remember in 20 years?

OK, get ready:
In 1990ish, I sold Peter Sissons ten books of NSPCC raffle tickets at a horse show.
Around the same time, they filmed an episode of Perfect Scoundrels in my road.
As recounted in AMT148, my mum was a maker of celebrity bread (celebready?).
Arthur Miller took my cousin on holiday to a safari park.
I walked past Chelsea Clinton in the street once.

Readers, think you can the-opposite-of-outdo those? Go directly to the comments to dazzle us with your own encounters with (not very shiny) stars.

Don’t feel too disappointed if you can’t unbeat Martin the Sound Man’s story in AMT131 about how his mum was in a bakery queue with Phillip Schofield.

UPDATE: just remembered another good one from a few years ago – backstage at Latitude Festival I practiced glockenspiel next to Gary ‘sacked from CSI for prolific drug use’ Dourdan, who fell asleep on his chair. I also told Amanda Seyfried where the water was kept.

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Dear Santa

December 5, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT239

Here’s a festive question from Liz in Haskayne, Lancashire:

Today I have been writing letters to Santa with my toddlers (Toby, age 3 and Eden, age 2).

It got me thinking about what actually happens to all the letters sent to Santa. Surely they don’t send them on to the North Pole where there is some kind of giant paper recycling plant?

So, answer me this – what do Royal Mail and the like do with all that post for Santa?

They do send it on to Santa, of course, and Santa answers it himself – or at least rubber-stamps his signature onto a template letter he dictated to a secretary.

Then he puts the letter into a shredder and uses the shreddings to line the bottom of his hamster cage.

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