Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

Skyfail

December 5, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT239 •••

Oops, Ben in Cornwall has spotted a Bondian blunder in AMT239:

Olly, answer me this: did you actually watch Skyfall or fall asleep during the film as you don’t seem to know where Bond, James Bond strangled a bad guy underwater? That happened towards the end just before SPOILER! dies, NOT in the opening sequence where he got SPOILERED! by SPOILERPENNY! and fell into the SPOILER! off the SPOILER! by himself.

So come on Olly, sort yourself out!

Oops! Looks like Olly mistook Skyfall‘s end credits for the opening credits. No wonder he was surprised the film was only ten minutes long with no proper five-act structure.

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Milkshake metaphrase

November 29, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT238 •••

Many of the world’s greatest minds have puzzled over Kelis’s ‘Milkshake‘ – people on Yahoo Answers, us in AMT237, and now Benji in Bristol:

I favour a literal interpretation of Kelis’s ‘Milkshake’; I think that she really is talking about actual milkshake. However, I have noticed something peculiar about the lyrics. Kelis bangs on and on about how good her milkshake is, but then she also keeps saying “La la la la la, warm it up”.

Warm milkshake? Yuck! Milkshake should of course be served cold. I’m beginning to suspect that her milkshake-making prowess might not be all it’s cracked up to be. Is it possible that the boys have some ulterior motive for coming to Kelis’s yard? I’d hazard a guess that what brings all the boys to the yard is not the prospect of a delicious, wholesome milkshake, but rather a desire to indulge in a spot of ogling. Kelis is, after all, a very attractive young lady.

Imagine a poor, somewhat plain-looking woman who wishes that all the boys would come to her yard, and in order to achieve this she forks out a load of money on milkshaking lessons from Kelis. She masters all the basic and advanced techniques for shaking milk. She then refines and improves upon Kelis’s original milkshake recipe, by keeping it cold and putting some whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on top. After all that time, effort and expense it must be terribly upsetting for her to see all the boys forsake her superior milkshake and avoid her yard. How it must enrage her to see those silly, sleazy boys sitting there, perving at Kelis while sipping their tepid, shoddy shakes.

What you’ve done there, Benji, is take the plot of Dreamgirls and reset it in the milkshaking industry. I like it. Have a two-page synopsis on my desk by Monday.

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oldies but goodies

November 21, 2012

“Before we begin, please check that I’m not actually your grandpa”

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT237 •••

In the last episode, we decided that a relationship with your first cousin who also happens to be young enough to be your child equals ICK. But Sarah writes:

I utterly adore your podcast. So imagine my chagrin when, in the last episode, you guys ranted about the unsuitability of relationships such as mine. No, I am not dating my cousin. But my girlfriend and I are 23 years apart in age, precisely the same as your anonymous questioner and his girlfriend. Answer me this: what’s is so wrong with that?

Jenny and I are coming up on our five year anniversary. We have a circle of mutual friends that doesn’t suffer from the fact that they’re of different generations. Jenny is only seven years younger than my mom and nine years younger than my dad but that didn’t stop them from welcoming her into our family, something Jenny really appreciated as her own family, believing same-sex relationships to be wrong, have distanced themselves from her.

Come on, guys – you’re too smart to believe that age difference in a relationship is inherently wrong or icky or exploitative.

We agree that age difference isn’t inherently wrong, but this is influenced by the age of the youngest half of the couple. For example, although Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison would always seem an insanitary pairing, the 35-year age gap wouldn’t have appeared as bad had she been 26 or 36 when they got married, rather than 16.

Had our questioneer been 54 and his cousin-lover been 31, perhaps we would have been more generous to him (although, obviously not, because SHE IS STILL HIS FIRST COUSIN), and if children were not involved. You don’t mention, Sarah, whether Jenny has children that are almost the same age as you. Children are prone to being freaked out by their parents’ relationships, but surely more so when the new partner was in the same nursery school as them. (And even more so when said partner IS A BLOOD RELATIVE.) You see the difference between your relationship and his, we hope!

Mark from New Zealand chips in with an equation:

In terms of what a minimum age for a partner is, the standard creepiness rule: don’t date under (age÷2)+7 seems reasonable, so on that score your mid life crisis cuz-banger falls a bit short.

Oh maths, forever butting in to ruin everything.

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cinematic snooze

November 21, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT237 •••

AMT234 has spurred Martin to write in:

As you have stated on many occasions, you are yet to be blessed with the fruit of your loins; a point emphasized by the comment, “How do parents make it through kids’ films?”

As a father of three beautiful children I can assure you that the guff churned out by Pixar, Disney and Dreamworks is indeed proof of God’s existence.

The cinema means that kids are in a safe environment, they are being entertained by someone other than yourself in a moralizing and amusing fashion and have a trough of popcorn to stop their hands from punching each other.

Knowing this, I sit back and get the best sleep ever. At the end of each film I feel as though I have slept for a fortnight and can wake to find the kids still in one piece both physically and psychologically.

Recently I slept through The Avengers which, from what I can gather from my seven-year-old film critic, had explosions, crashes and fights all the way through. I missed them all. Nothing can keep me awake. Brilliant.

And are there films which work the opposite way round, ie keep the parent lively while sending the sprogs off to Snoozeford? Chip in, people, via the comments. If a DVD of Black Narcissus is all it takes to sedate my gaggle of niecephews, it’s far cheaper and safer than Ritalin.

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lovely compliments

November 14, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT236 •••

20121114-130822.jpg

Yes, the above book is from my own library, and why not? Australia’s slang is as thrillingly unusual as its indigenous wildlife, as demonstrated by Steve from Adelaide, South Australia who has donated the following suggestion to AMT236’s appeal for synonyms for ‘the bollocks’:

How about “She’s the duck’s guts”?

Very poetic, Steve. However, let’s not forget that in the question in question, Brad in Philadelphia’s wife was writing a letter of recommendation for a student. An expression evoking a duck with its entrails on display is perhaps not the most enticing for an employer, unless that employer is a Satanist or Fergus Henderson.

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password passnotes

November 14, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT236 •••

Passwords are like tattoos of the Bishop of Peterborough dressed as Elvis: we’ve all got them. RIGHT? On that subject, Dylan muses upon the question raised by Jack in AMT236:

There are plenty of opinions in the IT community to support the idea that a password change policy is actually not beneficial in a meaningful way. In fact in some cases it can harm security as users who are forced to regularly create new passwords are more likely to choose easy to remember (and potentially guess) passwords, or to write passwords down or record them in a file.

However it really is a good practice to use a different password for every site you visit. The method I’ve used and recommend to other people is to use part of the site’s name or URL within the password you use. You start with a reasonably complex password that’s common to all your sites, and then modify it slightly for any given site.

So you could have “R4gh1p5” as your common password. On eBay you might then use “eR4ghy1p5” on that site – the same password, but you’ve added the first letter of the site’s name at the beginning, and the last letter of the name before the “1” in the password. This way you have a unique password on every site, but only have to remember the base password and the rule you’ve come up with.

Good tip, Dylan. For the legion of people whose password continues to be ‘password’, I’ve made your life easier: you just need ‘epasswyord’ for eBay, ‘apasswnord’ for Amazon and ‘gpasswsord’ for Geocities. I assume those are the only websites you use.

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nun of the above

November 14, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT236 •••

Perhaps during AMT236 we opened a floodgate for all the lewd nun jokes that are neither comprehensible nor funny. Luca writes:

Two nuns were cycling down a cobbled a road. ‘I never came this way,’ said one nun. ‘It must be the cobbles,’ said the other.

Answer me this: why are nuns so sexual in jokes?

In my opinion, it is because the composers and repeaters of those jokes can hardly believe that sentient women would actively choose a life of celibacy. It is INCONCEIVABLE that they would waste their God-given BOOBS and LADYPARTS in this way. Since they have forsaken the public-facing singles scene, they MUST be getting their kicks elsewhere, and therefore a convent must be like a 24/7/365 Carry On film set in a boarding school for wayward girls.

To my mind, however, the real question is why a nun commits herself to marriage with a man who is not only dead, but cheating on her with all the other nuns.

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That’s Asda cacophony

November 7, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT235 •••

In AMT235 we spoke of jobs none of us has experienced. But, being such a diverse bunch, you listeners have. Jess from Dorset writes:

In regards to your recent question about Asda FM: I work there and they repeat the music ALL DAY LONG and play the same adverts over and over again. Absolutely terrible and definitely for the customers not the staff!!!!!

I always had my suspicions that somebody has been developing a noise equivalent of chemical weaponry. Now I know.

Anyway, as for jobs outside of the retail sector, Elizabeth from Madison, Wisconsin informs us:

I can say that people going to the South Pole are definitely encouraged (one might say forced) to make sure that their teeth are in top shape before going there.

My husband is a physicist whose experiment is at the South Pole (IceCube Neutrino Observatory if you are interested) and in order to go there for a month one winter they made him get his remaining wisdom teeth out as a precautionary measure because they thought that one might have a cavity.

He was not keen on getting them out, but his desire to go to the frozen south was such that he did it anyway and brought me back a lot of pictures of snow.

I love the show, and listened to you while dissecting over 200 squid yesterday.

Thanks Elizabeth – we hope that was a work thing, rather than a nice day out to the aquarium that you decided to sabotage.

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the dream is over

November 5, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT235 •••

Much of the USA has already had a rough few days, and I’m sorry, but I’m about to make things even rougher.

Brace yourself for more bad news:

My mum is definitely not eligible to become the President of the USA.

Aside from the reasons for disqualification as listed in AMT235, she actually had to give up her US citizenship in 1970 when she married my father: they wouldn’t let her have dual nationality, so to allow my South African father to remain in the UK, she had to choose to be 100% British.

Of course now, after 41 years of darning his underpants and withstanding his puns, she might be regretting that decision.

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surviving Sandy

November 5, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT235 •••

Hey! AMTpals on the other side of the Atlantic, are you alright? We hope you and yours made it through the Extreme Weather Events, and we are relieved to have heard from some of you, sounding damp but resilient, like Emma from the Soggy Apple:

As a New Yorker, last week was pretty hectic. Hurricane Sandy turned out to a be quite a bitch.

Me, my two roommates, my roommate’s annoying dog, our friend who lives in Manhattan, and my roommate’s boyfriend were trapped in my Brooklyn apartment for days with very little to do but drink the mass amounts of beer we bought from the one open bodega in our neighborhood. We don’t have a tv, so we ended up playing lots of games.

One game we played for far too long was MASH, which is one of those playground games girls play to predict who they are going to marry, where they are going to live, how many kids they will have, etc. For instance, after one game I ended up living in Tokyo, married to Danny Devito, having no kids but 20 cats, getting around by helicopter, and working in a dildo factory. Would it actually be fun being married to Danny Devito as long as you didn’t have sex with him?

I’m not sure that would be your choice if married to Danny Devito, if there’s any truth in the rumours which sprouted after he and Rhea Perlman announced their separation last month. We learn that if fidelity is important to you in a relationship, don’t marry one of the stars of Twins.

Also if you’re deliberately entering into a sexless marriage and you have TWENTY cats, your life sounds like a mess no matter who your husband is.

Nichole had different means of seeing out the storm:

Great big slug pigs from hell, we survived the New York apocalypse known as hurricane Sandy! We roughed it out for FOUR days in our one bedroom apartment with no heat, no electricity, NO INTERNET, and water turning off and on with the wind.

Would you believe it? The husband and I managed the early darkening nights huddled around the soft light of candles and a thankfully charged iPad stocked only with Answer Me This! episodes from your early days of yore, episodes 62 to 90. It was like a drunken end of days with only the soft lull of you cracking whimsical over grandpa’s proverbial wireless.

Now we’re back and there are things we have to know! What happened to the on-again, off-again couple of Anastasia and Wade? Did Graham from Canada ever get a girlfriend in his own country?

The truth is: we don’t know! All those kids are now grown up, and unless they contact us, we can’t find out what’s going on with them since the government shut down our covert surveillance operation. So here’s an appeal:

Wade. Ana. Graham from Canada. If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and tell us what’s been happening in your life since we last heard from you circa 2009.

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Miss Marple: marriage wrecker?

November 1, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT234 •••

Apropos of AMT234‘s contemplation of the sexual preferences of Agatha Christie’s fictional detectives, Hannah from Bedford writes:

I don’t know if this is something that comes up in the books, but in the ITV shows, Poirot does have a romantic relationship with a Russian woman, so seemingly he might be heterosexual. Obviously this doesn’t rule out the idea of him having repressed homosexual feelings like you were saying.

Similarly Miss Marple has an affair with a married soldier during WWII, he dies during the war and she doesn’t seem to have any other romantic relationships.

That stinks of TELLY MEDDLING. You know why? Firstly, because Marple does not seem the type to plant begonias in another woman’s herbaceous border. Secondly, because Miss Marple first appeared in print, already an elderly spinster, in 1926, thirteen years before the Second World War broke out. Although, as the final Miss Marple novel was written in 1971, it is possible that she did have that affair when already pretty ancient, then pined after him until her death at the age of 120 or so.

“Phwoar. Have him scrubbed and brought to my tent.”

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locks and clocks

October 24, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT233 •••

The bowels of Andrew from County Down have been suffering from stage fright:

To continue with the bathroom lock talk from AMT232, I have a similar problem.

When visiting my friend who still lives with his parents, I went to use the bathroom facilities. Having closed the door, I noticed that there was no lock but, oddly, a clock above the door. Needless to say, once I sat down with my trousers round the ankles, my friend’s mum walked in.

Answer me this! Should I introduce the family to an open and closed door system, insist they get a lock put in, or insist they remove the clock so that I’m not caught in a daydream staring at the clock when various family members walk in on me taking a shit?

No, no and no!

1. It’s not your house, so you can’t waltz in there and boss them into changing their customs.

2. It’s not your house, so you can’t waltz in there and expect them to add door-furniture.

3a. It’s not your house, so you can’t waltz in there and demand they remove the clock that presumably they keep there for a reason (eg to monitor time for the annual family competition: the person who has spent the longest time in the loo over the year wins a kilo of prunes at Christmas).
3b. Getting rid of the clock won’t stop the door from opening when you don’t want it to.
3c. Your fear is that they might catch you mid-daydream, rather than mid-shit?
3d. If you find clocks so enrapturing, this is far from your most pressing problem.

Here’s a simple solution: take a door wedge with you when you visit, which will keep the door shut long enough for you to alert the loo-invader about your presence. Alternatively, buy them one of these, but don’t be surprised if they decide not to use it, because if they haven’t already got a lock it suggests they actively enjoy the risk of a lavatorial interruption.

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