Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

Loveborough

February 12, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT245 •••

After last week’s podcast you probably rushed to book a Valentine’s trip to Loughborough. But Sam counsels against:

I can confirm that Loughborough is NOT sexy – see attached.

Cucumber

Yes, that is a cucumber in a condom, and yes it is broken.

This I saw in broad daylight, heaven knows what horrors await those who visit in the hours of darkness!

What are you objecting to, Sam? The fact that the cucumber is practicing safe sex – even though the prawn industry isn’t going to propagate the idea that you can still have sexy fun whilst using barrier contraception – or the fact that the condom is broken, and you’re worried the cucumber is risking STDs or even the pitter-patter of tiny gherkins?

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further adventures in icing

February 12, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT245 •••

We’re still not tired of you testing the linguistic boundaries of Thorntons’ bespoke icing policy.

This post features RUDE WORDS ON CHOCOLATE, so click through to see the rest of it. (more…)

inky

February 5, 2013

ink

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT244 •••

Following last week’s ‘black or blue?’ ink debate, we’ve received the following inkformation from Su:

I am a civil servant and, in the days before computers, it was mandatory to use black ink on all official documents. This was because black was the only colour that did not fade – over time other colours fade out so the text cannot be seen. Red could be used for amendments but that was only because the amendments would be included in a final documents written in black ink.

Aaron meanwhile sheds light on why green ink is the ink of madness – because it’s the ink of choice for people who are surrounded by all the drugs! He says:

I work in a hospital (in the UK) and noticed on a drug chart that the pharmacist had written over the chart in GREEN INK!!!!

Well, it turns out the profession of pharmacist have claimed green ink for their own pointless notes on a drug charts, such as ‘take with food’ ‘give slowly’ and ‘mix with water’.

Answer me this: are there any other professions or trades that feel they need to claim a colour for themselves?

Evidently the civil service – see above – but readers, if you’re in a profession which insists upon, say, violet ink, or allows only orange Rorschach tests, then let us know in the comments. Although typing in boring old black and white is probably anathema to you.

By the way, Aaron, I’m going to guess that the green ink is a sensible measure so the notes are visible against the other prevailing colours on the drug charts. Also I don’t think that ‘take with food’ and ‘mix with water’ are at all pointless, as anyone who has tried ibuprofen on an empty stomach, or attempted to ingest dry Lemsip powder, will know.

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it blows to be Joe

February 5, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT244 •••

We’re pleased to hear from Joe in Seattle from AMT244, because he’s telling us we were RIGHT. Even though us being RIGHT means his love life went a bit WRONG. He writes:

I recently asked you if I was being blown off via text after a first date, and you answered in the podcast that my chances didn’t look good.

Here’s an update: I figured I had nothing to lose, so a week or so later I sent a second text, suggesting a possible time and place for a second date. No reply.

I’m going to go read alone in a coffee shop now.

Well, at least you’re in the ideal location to do that. Wrap yourself in flannel, crank up the Mudhoney, and hope that Bridget Fonda is your waitress.

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chocolate rain (of rude words)

February 4, 2013

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••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT244 •••

We knew we could count on you to send us sweary Thorntons products, you bunch of chocolate-loving pottymouths! This has to be one of the best slews of feedback we have ever had. It also contains Swear Words so the rest of the post is after the jump. (more…)

Beefeating

January 24, 2013

yoeman-guard

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT242 •••

Our quaint retro Wee Britain customs have perplexed Cameron from Hamilton, New Zealand:

I was recently listening to some earlier episodes of
Answer Me This! and you were asked a question about beefeaters.

In my city we have a restaurant called Beef Eaters, and your answer to the question confused the crap out of me because I got the impression that beefeaters are people.

So answer me this, what are beefeaters? Perhaps this is a British thing which is not replicated where I come from, in New Zealand.

Indeed, it’s a British thing that’s not really replicated even in the rest of Britain that isn’t the Tower of London. But your fellow countrypeople are not completely estranged from the custom – look!

So as you can see, your suspicion was correct: beefeaters ARE people, indeed a crack team of yeoman warders who act as living breathing tourist attractionsceremonial guardians of the Tower of London.

Their beef-eating name, by popular legend, came from the notion that they had to taste-test the monarch’s food (beef – monarchs love beef) for poison, but more realistically from the fact that they used to be partially paid in beef.

Just to cause you extra confusion, Cameron, there IS also a restaurant chain here called Beefeater, but unlike the beefeaters, it was not founded by Henry VII in 1485.

Furthermore, there’s also Beefeater Gin, which even more confusingly contains no beef and cannot be eaten as it is a drink.

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Paul Merton: leftie

January 17, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT241 •••

paul_merton

To the left, to the left, is Paul Merton always looking at a box to the left? You listeners don’t agree with Olly’s hypothesis from AMT241, but nor do you agree with each other. Firstly, Joss in Smethwick posits:

My ears pricked up when you mentioned Paul Merton’s tendency to look off-screen to his left. You suggested that he does this after telling a joke in order to get a second laugh. I’m afraid this cannot be the answer because, as you will now notice next time you watch the show, he does it most of the time.

I know this because I spotted it once and now I can’t not see it all the time.

I think I’ve worked it out though. He appears to do it more when the host is talking. I think he is reading the autocue along with the host, possibly so he can think of his responses before the fact or maybe it’s just a habit.

This hypothesis is corroborated by Jack in Gateshead:

He’s watching the presenter’s autocue – it’s very different to the general looks he give to the audience.

He does this a lot more these days. I noticed it first when they had particularly feckless guest presenters, but he now does it non-stop. You can see him reacting to gags before they’re read out, especially the bad ones.

However, Tom from York disagrees:

Paul Merton isn’t looking stage left, he’s looking straight out to the audience. His desk is at an angle to the front of the stage, but the mid-shots are parallel to the desk, so it looks like he’s looking left. But he’s not. Just to clear that up.

I’ve got another theory: Paul Merton favours the right side of his face, one of the many things he and Mariah Carey have in common.

More news of other well-known figures of the entertainment industry, as featured in AMT241 – Nina writes:

Last week you were discussing the Brand New Heavies. Previous member Jay Ella Ruth is actually now an English teacher at Chiswick School (in Chiswick). She is eccentric but a lovely teacher.

I know this because she teaches me!!!!

Anyone else out there taught by ex-members of the acid jazz movement?

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tedious Toronto

January 3, 2013

••• CATCH UP ON EPISODES OF AMT •••

You’ll recall Paul (rhymes!) from AMT240, who wanted to boss his family into going on holiday to his choice of Toronto rather than their choice of Vancouver.

We’ve heard some gently persuasive arguments from Canada-dwellers so far, but Tony from Toronto is unequivocal:

With regards to Paul’s desire to visit Toronto over Vancouver with his family, I’m going to make this easy for him: don’t be a fuckin’ idiot, Paul! I’ve lived in Toronto all my life and I can’t think of a duller place to visit. Okay, maybe Cleveland Ohio would be duller, but not by much.

Don’t get me wrong, as a place to live Toronto is pretty great. I won’t get into all the reasons it’s a nice place to live because they’re not relevant to this discussion; but as a place to visit? Please. Any historical buildings we might have had, we’ve torn down and replaced with completely uninspired glass and steel boxes. We have a museum and an art gallery which are mediocre by world standards and a transit system which we forgot to finish. And if you dislike the heat, you have definitely chosen the wrong town – Toronto in July is stinking hot and humid.

Vancouver on the other hand…is also dull. But at least it’s not as humid in the summertime. Topographically speaking it’s beautiful, but the city itself is a bore and its inhabitants are all smug, vegan hippies. Kill me now. The best thing about Vancouver is the countryside surrounding Vancouver.

Go to Moscow…not that I’ve ever been there mind you, but at least it’s got some history and some gorgeous architecture.

If you have to go to a Canadian city, go to Montreal. It’s beautiful and historic, and fun.

Hope you haven’t already booked your flights, Paul.

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no fainting

December 18, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR THE BEST OF AMT2012 part 1 •••

It’s lovely to see you listeners help each other. Nicole from Santa Barbara, California has written with reassurance for Concerned from Hebden Bridge from AMT238, who was worried that he would faint at the sight of a new human being worming its way out of his wife. Nicole says:

My husband is also notoriously squeamish: when he was younger, he fainted putting eye drops in his eyes, and also nearly fainted during our first ultrasound too–it was the swing inside me and the word “yolk sac” that did it.

We went to the labour classes and he had to walk out of the room during almost all of the videos for fear of fainting. I knew it was going to be tough for him during the actual labour, so we planned ahead of time that he’d be sitting at my head, facing the computer screen that showed my heartbeat and contractions.

The doctors made him leave the room when it was time for my epidural (because a lot of fathers-to-be faint then), and walked out twice during the actual labour, but he was able to be next to me for the important part. Our arrangement worked well, he didn’t see anything except my face and a beeping line on a computer until the doctors handed him our son (all cleaned up). No fainting!

Hooray! So plan ahead, Concerned, and if you think that your wife’s pained screaming face might trigger your swooning switch, ask her to wear a mask – you can get a classic old Spitting Image one of John Major on eBay.

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more Australian Christmas

December 11, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT240 •••

Thanks to you people, I now feel more prepared for an Antipodean Christmas than a Northern Hemispherical one! Rohan writes:

Growing up in the outback, Christmas was a mixtures of both the old and the new. We have the traditional Christmas stuff but also Australian Christmas stuff such as kangaroos with Santa hats etc. Also there are Australian carols such as Rolf Harris’s ‘Six White Boomers’ (boomers is slang for large kangaroos).

Rob adds:

I laughed when you were discussing the celebration of Christmas in Oz and whether snow scenes etc were suitable ways of marking the “occasion”. I have lived in Noosa, Queensland for 5 years, previously Sydney and London for 20 years.

The snow scene here is very much the norm despite there being no resemblance to a northern hemisphere weather pattern in Dec/Jan or ever.

Below is a snap taken from Friday’s Noosa Lights switch on depicting Santa riding on a beach buggy surf life saving vehicle accompanied by four saucily dressed female helpers. Noosa is sub-tropical unlike Sydney, Melbourne or Tasmania where it does get chilly. It was 6pm and about 30c and Santa would have been sweating the proverbial weight off dressed in his garb.

About 50 metres away there is golden beach with waves rolling in, as you can see most of the public are dressed in beach gear, the entire Christmas narrative of snow, sleighs and reindeer is ridiculous in this climate but routinely appears in shop window displays.

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At least in his line of work, Santa can pinch some toiletries to conceal his sweaty stench.

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Canada vs. Canada

December 11, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT240 •••

political-map-of-Canada

Following bossy Paul‘s Toronto vs. Vancouver holiday destination question in AMT240, we’ve received quite a few defences of Toronto, several recommendations for Montreal, and very little regarding Vancouver. This suggests that Vancouverites either think Vancouver is not as good as Toronto and/or Montreal, or they’re so laid back they don’t feel the need to spring to the defence of their splendid hometown. And/or they like Vancouver so much they don’t want Paul in it.

Vancouverites, if you’re reading this, by all means go to the comments to clarify the reason for your silence. Meanwhile, the Torontonians have spoken up. Andrew from Toronto sums up the qualities of the cities:

I live in Toronto, but love to visit montreal. They are all very different cities. If I were your listener, I would go to Toronto (not boring Olly!), and take an overnight trip to montreal.

Toronto is: ancient streetcars; hilarious fired mayors; grubby, wonderful, diverse Kensington market; TV trucks smashed through walls; 3 hours from Algonquin and 5 hours from Montreal; Honest Ed’s; art festivals; delicious St Lawrence market; a “little” ethni-copia: Little India, Little Italy, Little Portugal, Little Chinatown, Chinatown, Greektown; Church Street; FOOD, so much good food (just stay away from the financial district and the distillery district for it); Burgers Priest.

Montreal is: authentic bagels; Celine Dion’s smoked meat; sour Francophones who pretend not to understand English, and won’t give directions to bakeries because they feel culturally oppressed; jazz festivals; beautiful old Montreal; corrupt corrupt politians, like, Chicago corrupt; tam tam.

Vancouver is: beautiful mountains; indecipherable highway system; Stanley Park; rainy; Battlestar Galactica; pot; ridiculously expensive real estate; Skid Row; relaxed; Vij’s.

There’s a Chinatown AND a Little Chinatown? I’m booking a two-week dim sum tour in the January sales.

Next, Dani presents a considered case:

I was born and raised in Toronto, but moved to Vancouver at 19 and lived there for four years.

While in general I’m inclined to agree with Olly that Vancouver is an overall ‘nicer’ place to visit than Toronto, remember that Paul was looking for an interesting cold-weather destination. Vancouver in the winter is probably not dissimilar to the UK, with generally cold but not below freezing temperatures, lots of drizzle, and weeks on end without sunlight. (After typing all this, I realize that he might be thinking of skiing/wintersports that one might enjoy in Whistler, etc. Of course there is that. I just tend to think of the city proper when I think Vancouver)

Toronto in the winter is plenty cold, but if you plan on staying in the middle of the city, you’ll find yourself in a sea of brown, salty slush. Many of the nicer things to do in Toronto (there are some beautiful parks and great shopping districts) would frankly be kind of a downer in the middle of winter (and this coming from someone who loves the city and considers it home.)

I think if he is set on a Canadian vacation in winter, Helen’s suggestion of Montreal would be a better option. And you’d have a chance to try some real poutine! (Shut it, it’s delicious, and vastly superior to Putin on pretty much every count.)

It’s true. Poutine is corrupted by curds and gravy, whilst Putin – well, it’s difficult even to know where to start.

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Christmas in Malaysia

December 5, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT239 •••

I’m enjoying your Tales of International Christmas very much, so please do join in by describing your strange (to you) festive scenes in the comments. Here’s an illustrated despatch from Edd:

I am currently in Malaysia and have just been listening to last week’s podcast in which someone asked if in Australia they associate the same snowy imagery with Christmas as in Britain.

I will be able to confirm that in a few days, but for the moment I can say with certainty that they do here and it’s 30 degrees and so humid I can barely breathe. They also plaster every available square inch with Christmas trees, Santa Claus and candy canes.

I have attached pictures of a shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur which I hope you will agree is about the gaudiest thing you’ve ever seen. They also loop Chris Rea over the sound system for good measure.

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