ELECTION ELECTION WINEHOUSE’SBROKENBOOBS ELECTION ELECTION ELECTION KATONA. That’s all we’re hearing about this week, and frankly it’s wearing us down. Listeners, perhaps you feel the same; or perhaps you don’t live in Britain and therefore didn’t even know there was an election on. And now that you do, you couldn’t give a tortoise’s bra about it. But hopefully we can all agree to settle down and listen toAnswer Me This! Episode 133, before returning to deface Tory pamphlets/whatever the hell you non-Brit-residents were up to:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we speak of:
Tory tax breaks
Smith Kendon travel sweets
Kenneth Tynan
Scotney Castle
Birmingham Selfridges
Tate Modern
satnav wipes
sphygmomanometers
sexting vs. proper infidelity
Facebook vs. Friends Reunited
syntax vs. inflections
souvenir pencils
the Paris Expo
James Citizen Kane
Sarah Kane Hamlet II In the Night Garden
and
Ozwald Boateng.
Plus: Olly yearns for the rural life, tilling the soil and raising livestock; Helen is shocked by the potty-mouth affecting Woman’s Hour; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more about blood pressure than the average district nurse. And some news that might be more exciting to us than to you, and more exciting to our mums than anyone else.
You know what’s definitely exciting all round, though? Your QUESTIONS! So give us a thrill by sending them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. Our timbers are shivering in anticipation.
The general election hasn’t even been called yet, and we’re already a bit bored of our tellies and radios yakking on about it! If you are too, rest assured that any mention of politics in Answer Me This! Episode 128 is purely incidental:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda this week:
more dysfunctional chair-throwing
Her Majesty’s hidden talents
targeting aids
dildonics Kirsty’s Home Videos
melon ballers
Ryan Parry Countdown
Pheidippides
olive forks
draught-exclusion
caves
and
our self-esteems being variously bolstered and broken by the results of last week’s poll.
Plus: Olly sheds light on the Chilcot Inquiry; Helen studies at the Kristen Stewart School of Performing Arts; and Martin the Sound Man perhaps says too much about marginal-interest gentlemen’s mags. Also, if you, like most of us, doubt that anything good can come out of a high school production of Grease, we must direct you to AMT jingle stalwart Gavin Osborn’s song ‘Charlie’s 18th Birthday‘. Heck, listen to it even if you have no beef with Grease.
It merely remains for us to remind you to send us YOUR QUESTIONS, so please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. Go on, make us (even more) happy!
Prepare for the scoop of the century, listeners! For inAnswer Me This! Episode 126, we reveal what Bill Murray whispered in Scarlett Johansson’s ear at the end of Lost In Translation that Elvis and Lord Lucan have actually been living together quietly in the ‘burbs all these years, and riding Shergar to the shops the secret to non-collapsing souffles how old we are.
Yes.
Yes!
Brace yourselves:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
But since we suspect that virtually none of you care about that (unless you work for the Young Person’s Railcard Fraud Squad), we’ve also included:
Fry’s Turkish Delight
body language ‘experts’
the goddess Athene ‘Babe’ by Take That
Legoland Windsor
‘The Gift’ by the Velvet Underground vs. Flat Stanley
Richard Burton vs. chuck-out songs
the Post Office
and
Mr Blobby.
Plus: Olly reveals that if you ever need to get rid of him, just play ‘Hip To Be Square’; Helen uses buttons to prove the veracity of her answers; and Martin the Sound Man tells the 1950s to Eff Off. Next week: sticking it to the 1700s!
Lest that is not enough to fill a whole episode, please be so kind as to pose YOUR QUESTIONS, via email – answermethispodcast@googlemail.com – or voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. If you still have kindness to spare, leave your tips for Tom from Windsor to get rid of barflies in the comments; and augment and enjoy last week’s list of AMT listeners’ birth songs.
Even though all three of us are spinsters (sob!), we enjoy you asking us about weddings. We were, however, very surprised when Xavier sent us one such question, seeing as he has more matrimonial experience than all of us combined. He asks:
I have been married 4 times already despite never ever asking anyone to marry me, and ending up with some really evil fuckers. I have finally met someone really special and am thinking of asking her to marry me,
I have previously been married in a church, a registry office, on a beach in a foreign country and at Gretna Green, my questions is this where do i get married now that would be different?
I see you haven’t done a Vegas wedding yet, but seeing as they all seem to have a fairly short time limit, we think it’s best avoided. We also note that you’ve done church, but not synagogue; perhaps it’s time to explore some other faiths, just to add cultural variety to your nuptual history.
Between us we’ve been to some very jolly weddings beneath a waterfall, on top of a hill, in museums and in a zoo; and we do enjoy those pictures in the tabloids when couples get married underwater with scuba gear, or jumping out of planes, or in the joinery aisle of B&Q. But as we don’t know whether the future Mrs Xavier V is aquatic/adrenaline-chasing/Handy Andy, we can’t give you a solid plan. But perhaps YOU can, readers? Head to the comments and tell Xavier where to have his fifth wedding! The person with the best suggestion gets to be a bridesmaid.
Wade back in your memory through the mists of time, around the bog of forgetfulness, and over the stile of reminiscence, right the way to the end of the last series of Answer Me This!, then append the following observations supplied by our beloved listeners. Firstly, Jim in New Jersey:
You may have strongly doubted the origins of the wedding kiss in an actual ritual consummation, but how about this for a dramatic touch? Margaret Mead documented a primitive wedding ceremony performed by a tribe in New Guinea in which the newly wedded couple copulated on a wooden platform in front of all the villagers. At the moment of climax, a huge pile of lumber was released from above them, crushing them to death. One would think this ritual might have a negative effect on population growth.
Not only that, it would really decimate the honeymoon industry. If this came back in vogue, Sandals resorts would close overnight!
On a related note, Matt, who calls himself ‘Moo’ (each to their own), suggests we all have a little paddle in the following pool of schadenfreude:
In Episode 123 you were discussing proposals in public and how shameful it would be – well have a look at this for the ultimate humiliation, and the amazing premonition-like commentators:
Don’t cry, she’s probably just popped off to the loo for a sec. Right? Right?
Forgive us, but we’re all tired out at the end of this series of Answer Me This! – it’s been our longest one so far! And while we’re off on our anecdote-gathering trips in February, we want you to do a little something for us. Something fun and exciting. Find out what in Episode 124:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda today are:
the cockblocking face of Gareth Gates True Blood
SOHCAHTOA Fatal Attraction
cuddling vs. cortisol
Mitchell’n’Webb
nudie pics
mad actors The Reader
the sexy Saw ride
and
Aslan.
Plus: Olly takes umbrage with ancient Canadian traditions; Helen totally fails the 1990s Culture module at the University of Life; and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t want to see any of those nasty films with boffing in them, OK? So stop sending him copies of Nine Songs in the post!
Now, it’s with great solemnity that we bid adieu to you until 4th March – but make sure we come back with a bang by supplying us with YOUR QUESTIONS, via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully you will look forward to hearing from us. You might also be looking forward to hearing a free Audible audiobook, which you can get HERE. That should obliterate a few hours of silence while we’re off air, no?
Please treat yourselves nicely during February, and we’ll see you right back here before you know it!
What the Jazzy Jeff is going on with Answer Me This! Episode 114? It’s all full of SPORT! Bloody sport! Golf, boxing, Formula 1 AND the Cinnamon Challenge. We feel like traitors to our own podcast.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Thankfully, there’s less jocktacular business too, such as:
scurvy (again)
bridge rolls Helge Rubinstein Napoleon Dynamite
Acton bowling alley Wanted Johnny Ball Reveals All
butter vs. Banoffee Pie
Sean Kingston vs. Sean Paul
D.H. Lawrence
James McAvoy
and
the band Clock.
Plus: Olly suggests Angelina Jolie is ‘a bloke with tits, really’ AND manages to compare Cheryl Cole to a golf ball; Helen hopes that Auntie Tarantula isn’t listening to this episode; and Martin the Sound Man breaks the embargo on talking about balls, earning him 14 hours on the naughty step. Will he never learn?
Unfortunately Episode 115 will be out one day late next week; but if you need something to tide you over Thursday, perhaps this tract upon the benefits of dimples to the trajectory of golf balls, this will help. (I’m sure you’ll understand why we kept it brief in the podcast – laminar flow diagrams don’t come across so well in audio.) And you can help tide us over with YOUR QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.
Goodness gracious great balls of fire, Team AMT, it’s time for Answer Me This! Episode 112:
[ This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we ponder:
Agatha Christie vs. depression
the regional Kriss Kross revival
modern scurvy So I Married An Axe Murderer
fake Berocca
first date fault-finding
Theseus Birds of a Feather
David Beckham’s squeaky voice Gwyneth Paltrow’s greasy legs
and
calcium oxide.
Plus: Olly’s cat is a miracle cure; Helen’s got some fancy knobs (fnarr!); and Martin the Sound Man smooth-talks himself into the affections of the in-laws. NB that was in the days before he peppered his sentences with terms like ‘cunnyhouse’ and ‘jizzflappers’. We miss those innocent times.
Anyway, if you have any QUESTIONS with which to delight our foolish hearts and foolish minds, you can email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them in voicemail form on Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We look forward to them like we look forward to a cup of tea and a bun. That is, A LOT. Don’t you know us at all by now?
As the age of economic belt-tightening continues tiresomely, listener Alex from Nottingham has kindly lent us his cunning way of getting drunk on the cheap. If you want to know what his budget route to fast-track inebriation is – involves both do-gooding and personal risk! – then just bend your ear to Answer Me This! Episode 106:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
And on today’s dance-card:
Brighton Pavilion
Jennifer Lopez
We Are Klang’s furniture
the asymmetry of marriage
London vs. York
Tallahassee vs. Martin’s sanity
Puritans vs. decor
Ann Widdecombe vs. the Jonas Brothers
double-barrelled surnames
the antiques of the future
Olly’s grandmother’s wallpaper
Helen’s father’s gullibility
and
the dragon in Shrek
Plus: Olly’s Big Blood Giveaway is ruined by alternative medicine; Helen is defeated by mere wallpaper; and Martin the Sound Man brings someone back from the dead, or at least wakes them up after a moderate thwack to the head. He’s a miracle-weaver! Bring your children to Answer Me This! Towers and he will bless them for £20 a head. 10% discount for two-headed babies.
Aaaanyway, if you have a problem concerning your two-headed baby, or perhaps another query of some kind, let us know! Send your QUESTIONSto answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.
Right, we’re off to nab the last remaining blackberries in Crystal Palace park before the birds shit on all of them, but we’ll see you next week. Bye!
‘. Heck, listen to it even if you have no beef with Grease.
Answer Me This! Podcast 