Rejoice, listeners, for in Answer Me This! Episode 132, your prayers have at last been answered! Well, some of the prayers of some of you, specifically those asking if we could get Andy Zaltzman onto the show. Any other prayers will continue to be in vain, unless we’re backing the wrong horse atheism-wise.
Anyway. It took a lot of form-filling, tear-drenched phone-calls to his agent, and complaining to Mum; but here Andy is:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Inevitably, whenever and wherever Andy speaks, he speaks of sport. But we also manage to shoehorn in:
Wine Gums
Gordon Brown
Denise Van Outen
cricket vs. blogging
Andy vs. Liverpool
curry vs. Martin the Sound Man
surveyors vs. honesty
football hooligans vs. Johannesburg
Beth Ditto
Kim Jong-Il
the Sistine Chapel
pebbledash
and
the real problem with George W Bush.
Plus: Olly decries the cuisine of Spain; Helen tells you how best to decide your vote in the forthcoming election; Martin the Sound Man lines up a new band name for when in-fighting rends The Sound of the Ladies apart; and Andy comes up with an all-too-literal means of how to ask for a lady’s hand in marriage. His wife’s knitting career was brought to an abrupt end when he plighted his troth.
If you want a bit more of Andy in your life, then you can: go to see him do stand-up; listen to his podcast The Bugle, co-starring John Oliver; read his cricket blog; and buy his book. Or you could try marrying in to the Zaltzman family, but almost all vacancies have been filled.
The AMT service returns to normal next week, so please send in your QUESTIONS for the usual treatment – email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. No sport, we beg of you. This episode contained more than the entirety of the rest of our lives combined.
Hal in Liverpool has written in to shed some light on the abiding ‘No mobiles in petrol stations’ mystery:
When I was working for Vodafone last year, I was taught that the real reason you’re not allowed to use your mobile at petrol stations is that on old fashioned non-digital counters on the pump could be manipulated by mobile phone signals. Sounds like bollocks, but worth throwing my hat into the ring.
Richard independently corroborates Hal’s story:
I heard somewhere that there was one particular model of petrol pump that was affected by mobiles and would register and incorrect amount of petrol dispensed when a mobile was used in the vicinity. Petrol companies didn’t want this knowledge to get out so banned them for safety reasons instead.
Sorry, can’t cite you a source as I heard this a good few years ago. It’s probably rubbish anyway.
It’s no more rubbish-sounding than the previous explanations; but frankly neither the petrol nor mobile phone industries are renowned for their transparency. Any of you who work for either and fancy playing snitch, place a comment below to tell us the truth behind this folly.
Here’s some retro feedback from Alex in Sunderland:
I was just listening to an old podcast of yours about school rumours and thought you’d like to know an amusing one from my school.
When I was about 15, some lad in my year claimed, as you do, that he had connections to the local mafia and told explicit lies detailing how he and his father had brokered a drug deal, among other piles of bullshit.
In parody of this, my friend decided to spread the rumour that he had connections with an international Russian gun-running cartel and he had a shipment of AK-47 assault rifles stashed in his house, which we found pretty funny at the time but nobody really took seriously for obvious reasons.
A couple of days later, during English, the deputy head of the school came into my lesson and removed my friend from the lesson. He looked angry so we assumed he’d done something pretty bad. Turns out this rumour about the Russian gun traffickers had worked its way to the faculty and my friend had been seriously questioned by the deputy head as to the whereabouts of these weapons he had. He was threatened with expulsion and the police were briefly involved but thankfully the whole student population who weren’t retarded vouched for this being a rumour.
I’m aware this sounds like bullshit but I will swear it’s the truth.
Just like when one of my school cohorts was rumoured to be shagging the head of music; this sounded like bullshit, until the head of music very suddenly left ‘to teach in Brazil’ and said cohort similarly vanished to complete her A-levels at a convent or something.
Anyone else who has some not-bullshit school rumours they wish to share, tell the whole class by taking it to the comments.
Watch out, everybody! There’s another volcano erupting, but this one is unlikely to leave the European airline industry in tatters. However, weird noisy West End shows are not going to escape the blast from Steve in Cheltenham:
re Episode 131 theme tune: “Who the hell is still buying tickets to Stomp?”
Can I just say, fuck me, this should be the big news story, bigger than the elections.
I’ve hated Stomp all my life, everything they stand for, their unoriginal art of making music accessible to bundles of tramps and the unemployed. Anyone who bangs spoons on a radiator for a living is a twat in my opinion, get a real fucking job.
It’s as if Stomp has tapped into a dormant Neanderthal gene, the one that used to drive us to make hideous dins perhaps to ward off sabre-toothed cats, but evolution said sabre-toothed cats love drum and bass; you dickwads are better off making sharp pointy things to throw at the cats instead of enticing them into your drum circle like it’s a drug-fuelled rave.
Now, if Stomp were a nomadic cartload of chimpanzees who had created this method of music in order to exchange its audience for food, then
fine, I’d endure five quid’s-worth on a seasonal basis just to see the chimps smile again as they tuck into corn husks and half-apples.
Kaboom! Watch Steve go!
I’ve never seen Stomp, but I can’t pretend it has ever affected my life in any way, ever. I think Steve might – might – be overreacting. However I’m afraid to tell him that for fear of setting off a pyroclastic flow of rage that sweeps eastwards from Cheltenham to wipe out Crystal Palace.
With the sun out and the May Day bank holiday fast approaching, this email from Jim from Tewkesbury seems timely:
Referring to the swan- and duck-related banter in episode 129, I thought I
would share with you a game invented by a lady of my late acquaintance, namely Duck Racing (the game, not the lady).
This involves throwing bread at one side of the pond, then when all the competitors have gathered together, throwing bread to the other end of the pond. The race is immediately underway and the big stakes can be laid down. Winner takes all.
So, Helen and Olly, answer me this; what do you do to spice things up when indulging in the ever-popular British pastime of “going to some town or village for the afternoon”?
You mean you’ve exhausted the pleasures of the pub/tea-room/post office/churchyard/horse show/National Trust property before the afternoon is out? You must live at the speed of light, Jim from Tewkesbury. But readers, what can you suggest for people looking to adopt this sort of pastime? Head to the comments to tell us all how to enjoy ourselves in the minor conurbations of Great Britain.
There are some very big issues in Answer Me This! Episode 131. The link between artistry and depression. The baffling denouement of the video of ‘November Rain’ (see below for a refresher). How to emasculate stones. Hear:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
As side orders to that big plateful of Important Issues, we mention:
Mary Pickford
Stephanie Seymour
bicarbonate of soda
Fernand Pitoit
Scissors Paper Stone
film myths
safety myths
creativity vs. crack
Fargo vs. chipped beef
crochet vs. stones
the boringest action figurines in toy history
cannibalistic tomatoes
and
Phillip Schofield’s big tart.
Plus: Olly conflates coitus and cultural colonialism; Helen is disgusted that all of the internet can’t come up with a believable explanation for why the Bloody Mary is called a Bloody Mary; and Martin the Sound Man comes up with a new word to express the apathy of the Web 2.0 generation. Feel free to use it in a sentence today. Also vengeful Ky from Harrogate seeks your help once more, to sponsor him on his 40-mile jog: make up for his recent Paypal fraud pain by throwing him a couple of pence at http://justgiving.com/kyle-addyman. Or you could just stand by the jogging route and throw pennies AT him, but I don’t think he or the British Heart Foundation would appreciate that as much.
Get your excitement on the boil in anticipation of next week’s Special Guestisode, featuring Andy Zaltzman out of the Bugle podcast and Helen’s gene pool; then send him some QUESTIONS. Preface them with ‘Andy, answer me this’ – email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877; or if you’re absolutely horrified at a stranger responding to your problem, the usual question-posing format will be perfectly fine.
See you next week, for family fun day!
Helen and Olly
PS if any of the rest of you are superfans of Dr Brian Cox, treat yourself to one of THESE.
Uh oh, have we got a fight brewing? Listener Nigel is taking issue with Dr Martin Austwick’s science of lightsabers:
The sharp pointy bit of the lightsaber may be made of light but it is not transparent hence does not allow light to pass through it.
Light from another source would not pass through the saber as with any opaque object and it would therefore cast a shadow.
Did they teach you nothing during your DPhil, Martin? Did you buy your doctorate off the internet? You’ll be attracting looks of scorn at the next Institute of Physics beetle drive. How embarrassing.
Meanwhile Adam from Tasmania was inspired to write in by Henry’s tale of semen cologne:
After hearing of the interesting scent that guy used in Episode 130, I was reminded of an interesting perfume that was mentioned in a blog I read recently.
Why dont you have a look and tell me what you think? http://www.smellmeand.com/gb/#/home/
I AM TOO FRIGHTENED TO LOOK. But you guys go right ahead. We are not responsible for the content of external websites etc etc…
Looks like someone other than Martin the Sound Man was bored watching Twilight, because Elle from Leeds was sufficiently unswept-away by the Grand Romance to ponder upon the following:
I’m not being deliberately disgusting but please answer me this… If the whole tragedy about Twilight is that Edward wants to drink Bella’s blood, couldn’t he just wait for her to get her period? This would result in an immediate happy ending and everyone wins.
Couldn’t all vampires just do this? They wouldn’t be as terrifying but perhaps a little creepy…
Apart from Edward going hungry for most of the month – which would only make him even more vapid – this does seem like a halfway sensible plan to us. So what is the catch? We’re not experts/interested in the whole vampire mythology, but if any of you are, head right for the comments and tell us whether this could solve both the problem of vampirical nutrition and landfill caused by feminine hygiene products.
Some questions we receive are too visual to cover in the medium of podcast. Such as this one from Hannah in Bridgnorth:
Why when I type ‘listen’ into Google Images does it come up with wot looks like a jewelled fanny!!?!?!?!?!?
Readers. Don’t just take Hannah’s word for it; go to Google Images and see for yourself. The result is sort of NSFW, unless you work for Charles Saatchi.
We may have had some jolly good news yesterday, but by gum, even though we should be taking a celebratory bath in fizzy booze or something, we are not slacking off on our podcasting duties. Heavens no. It’s business as usual, so here is Answer Me This! Episode 130:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week’s award-nominated trash talk includes:
bodysnatchers
the lamb of God
Galen
Norsical languages
Arawak Little Shop of Horrors The Game The Game
giant Bearded Fig Trees
sex homeopathy
retort cooking
Justin Bieber
zombies
antifreeze
and
the 1832 Anatomy Act.
Plus: Olly can only dream of being as innovative/stupid as the inventor of the Revolution Grill’N’Chill; Helen’s late granny ensures she’ll never be able to enjoy a nice blue china pig; and as well as featuring a questioneer’s tip to make you a proper hit with the Ladies, we come up with an ingenious scheme to entertain the pedestrians of central London AND rid the streets of the litter of freesheets. Get on it, Westminster Council!
Also, if you haven’t already, go to Martin the Sound Man’s website to download his latest Sound of the Ladies podcast to hear his smashing new song ‘What We Did With Our Lives’, as well as hear what he had to say in interviews with a few other podcasts. Yes, he cheated on AMT! Eh, who can blame him.
As always, please do ask us QUESTIONS for future episodes, by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. That would be luvverly.
YES! Here’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! Joy, formerly of Harefield, now of Ash Vale in Surrey, kindly leaps in to compensate our deficiency in Harefield knowledge which became all too obvious in last week’s episode:
Olly mentioned he didn’t know much about Harefield in last week’s podcast so I thought I’d mention Harefield Hospital, one of the leading organ transplant hospitals in the world, home for years to Prof. Sir Magdi Yacoub, pioneering transplant surgeon (first ever live lobe lung transplant) and my Dad, carpenter Brian Lindsay.
Olly was right about the antique shop in the village having closed though.
That’s sad. Still, you know what they say about Harefield: come for the transplant surgery; stay for the carpentry.
; Helen’s late granny ensures she’ll never be able to enjoy a nice blue china pig; and as well as featuring a questioneer’s tip to make you a proper hit with the Ladies, we come up with an ingenious scheme to entertain the pedestrians of central London AND rid the streets of the litter of freesheets. Get on it, Westminster Council!
Answer Me This! Podcast 