February 17, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 166 **
No way! Someone’s taken exception to sex advice from Olly Mann? Meredith from Framingham, Massachusetts tells him to shove his conception advice right back up into his man-womb:
I am writing because, respectfully, I thought that Olly’s advice to the lady calling in about her and her husband’s problems keeping sex sexy while trying for a baby was very off base.
When it came time for my husband and me to toss the pills and start our family, it took a couple of months to conceive and the process became very, very un-sexy. It was hard to get the end-game out of our minds. We had been programed so long to avoid pregnancy it took some doing to get over that.
What we discovered that we needed wasn’t to make the process more mechanized and route, but rather, more adventuresome and novel. Our solution: we went away together someplace romantic for a weekend, and had a very nice time in and out of the bedroom without thinking of the same old, same old things. This romantic weekend left us both reinvigorated, and while we didn’t conceive that weekend (which was not the point anyway) we did refocus our sex life on fun and removed the
stress and pressure from the situation. This enabled us to continue the sexy vibe upon returning home, and about eleven months later, our son Jackson was born.
My advice to the caller would be to take her partner someplace fun they haven’t been before for a long weekend, someplace with particularly comfortable beds and room service and to not even say the word “baby” the entire time…and see what might occur!
Egad, I officially know too much about the sex life of strangers now.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »
February 16, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 166 **
Rosie from Birmingham has a problem we never had, seeing as Olly’s childhood was short on flings and mine was short on family holidays. She says:
I have a very big dilemma: in a couple of weeks my family are going on holiday with another family. In this family there is this boy, who many years ago I had a fling with. I’ve now discovered that he is a complete jerk. My boyfriend knows that I had a fling with him and knows that we are going on holiday with him. He’s worried that I may have another fling with him, and maybe get together. I absolutely cannot stand him and have tried many times to tell my boyfriend this, yet he is still worried. So answer me this: how can I prove to my boyfriend that nothing will happen with this guy when it most certainly won’t?
1. Take your boyfriend with you on holiday; or 2. chastity belt. The latter doubles as a handy place to stow your foreign currency where pickpockets won’t find it. However you may need to pack some WD40 if swimming is on the cards.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »
February 10, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
Dear podcast-listeners,
There have been three times in his life where Olly Mann couldn’t speak French, so he let the funky music do the talking: 1) his GCSE French oral exam, which is why he received a D grade; 2) one mad, hot night at the Bruni-Sarkozy holiday bungalow; and 3) in Answer Me This! Episode 166:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
En Anglais, we talk of:
Blu-Tack sunblock
J.Lo’s nipple tweaker
the tragic end of Bobby in Home and Away
Bernard of Chartres
John Scurlock
Pyramus and Thisbe
Oasis
the Tower of London
James Bond: babyfather
the oldest underwater foot-tunnel (with some qualification)
disgruntled Beefeaters
Pretty Woman, Kate Middleton-style
bouncy bungalows
bouncy Roulette
Mike Flowers Pops
the Sea Life Centre vs. the Chunnel
sexy salad servers
Coventry
and
Teri Hatcher.
Plus: mainstream Olly prefers vaginas when a baby isn’t being shunted out of them; Helen discovers her new favourite TV channel; and Martin the Sound Man claims that when his dad said he was just “off to the glory hole”, there was a perfectly innocent explanation. Keep drinking the kool-aid, Martin!
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhone or Android, yessir) is a question from Gareth about what’s the oldest thing still in use today. My dad’s underpants. HA. (Seriously: 40+ years’ service and still going strong.)
Please keep bombarding us with your QUESTIONS, by leaving us a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or sending us an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday!
Helen & Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Tags: 007, 1990s, 90s, Aardman animation, £2, babies, blowies, Blu-Tack, boobs, boring equipment, bouncing, bouncy castles, bra, bras, bridges, cats, Channel Tunnel, children, children's telly, coins, conception, condoms, construction, crown jewels, crowns, currency, Europe, Eurotunnel, ex-military, fellatio, films, frames, France, French, Friends, fun, games, glass-blowing, glory holes, Halle Berry, history, homosexuality, insanity, irony, J.Lo, James Bond, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, jewellery, jewels, Kate Middleton, kids, La Manche, ladies' undergarments, lingerie, London, M&S, Midlands, military, mining, Mitterand, monarchy, money, nipples, Noel Gallagher, Oliver Cromwell, olives, Olly's cat, parties, people who like animals more than people, perversion, pets, Pretty Woman, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Diana, prisons, procreation, rabies, rates, rats, Robert Hooke, Roulette, royalty, safe sex, scuba-builders, sex, Sir Isaac Newton, soap operas, stationery, STDs, sterling, STIs, stoners, students, technology, telly, Tellytubbies, Thatcher, the Beatles, the Channel, the Queen, the ring of death, tourist attractions, Tower of London, tunnelling, TV, undergarments, underwater, underwear, unsafe sex, video, wifi, Wills'n'Kate, wood
Posted in PODCASTS | 15 Comments »
February 9, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Remember Jessii, the perforated lady from St Helens? Well hallelujah, she has succeeded in finding new bits of her body to puncture! Ours not to reason why, etc etc. She says, through swollen face:
I recently got my tongue pierced (venoms).
Well I am in a lot of pain at the moment because my tongue is swollen.
Sorry to hear that, Jessii – I am totally surprised that firing bolts through a nerve-rich chunk of muscle could have negative side effects! Really I am…
I can’t eat or talk and even swallowing is a bit of a chore.
It’s way worse than getting the one piercing in the middle.
So, answer me this:
What is the most painful thing you have ever done to yourself or had done to you willingly?
Mine will remain between me and the lady at the family planning clinic, thanks; but readers, go to the comments and reveal your self-inflicted agonies.
yes dear, it looks lovely
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
February 9, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Emma in Bristol:
A couple of years ago I walked out on my long-term partner. I decided that I was too young to be stuck in a passionless relationship. As I was the evil bitch who left, he got custody of all of our mutual friends.
Olly answer me this: if Helen finds someone better and ditches Martin, where would your loyalties lie? Would you stick with her and find a new sound man, or side with Martin and find a new sidekick?
Olly refused to answer this question, perhaps having seen too many barbs fly across the AMT studio and feeling terror and woe deep in his soul. But if it’s any comfort, Emma, in the event of an irrevocable breach Martin and I would pursue a joint custody arrangement. Even though I SAW HIM FIRST.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »
February 8, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Ahoy, shipmates! Batten down the hatches for a question from Robin on the Skandi Carla in Stavanger, Norway:
I work offshore on a boat so I am away with about 30-40 people. We have people who do the cleaning and our washing who are generally great people; however the girls I work with end up doing their own washing because they don’t trust getting their pants back and at least one friend has had all her underwear stolen.
My question to you guys is: Why would men want to steal women’s underwear? Girls in underwear I do find interesting, but when girls are separated from the underwear, the undies become inanimate objects.
Now, Robin, I can only guess at what it must be like to live on a boat with only a handful of people and some walruses for company. Who knows, after enough time trapped on a boat, being both lonely and lacking in privacy, perhaps I too would seek solace in ill-gotten undies – maybe using them to dress up my imaginary friend, whose company is the only thing preventing me going a bit Triangle. Or maybe I’d be stealing them because I’d started to find the society of inanimate underwear more appealing than that of humans. Or maybe I’d just run out of clean pants.
Those are my theories, but amongst you bunch of pervs there must be someone who can explain this predeliction, so go to the comments and type up your observations with one finger.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 6 Comments »
February 3, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
Greetings, Team AMT!
Director David Cronenberg welcomes you to Answer Me This! Episode 165, AKA the Body Horror episode. In it, we take a close look at Prince Alberts, alkaline vaginas and the arse of Jo O’Meara from S Club 73. Cross your legs and here we go:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Come back! There’s good clean fun as well, in the shape of:
nativity plays
pyjama trousers
candyfloss
Bellowhead
whisky mac
Hardy Amies
Damian Lewis
Nuramol
Looxcie
the Polyphonic Spree
Legally Blonde the Musical
Joan Holloway/Harris
Jessica Rabbit vs. Geri Halliwell
Barack Obama vs. babies
Doug Malloy
King Herod
Stephanie Seymour & Son
security tits
Saturday Toilet
and
Benito Mussolini’s bell-end.
We realise that that list gets less clean as it goes on, but no less fun. Further fun: Olly’s Machiavellian side thrusts itself to the fore as he wishes to distort the telly-watchers of the UK into a massive army of Olly Manns; Helen nags you to eat breakfast, else you’ll be all cranky by 11am AND you’ll never conceive a girl-baby; and Martin the Sound Man would like you to know that if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. At least not until he’s finished his bag of foam shrimps.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (appless? Then hurry up and get it for your iPhone or Android device) is a little nugget of showbiz slang. Ever heard of a ‘kinell’? No? Well, you’re not showbiz, are you? Unlike this week’s app bonus footage.
Keep your QUESTIONS coming in please, in the forms of emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemails left on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype answermethis. And if you work for Ginger Crunch Creams, Crabbie’s Ginger Beer or Booja-Booja Ginger Wine Truffles and, after this episode, want to sponsor us, we’ll happily change the name of the show to ‘Ginger Me This’ in return for half a ton of those delicious gingery products every week.
Yours gingerly,
Helen & Olly
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Tags: affection, Arthurian legend, bands, black box, Black Box Recorder, body piercing, Bouncer the Dog, bouncers, cervical mucus, children, Christina Hendricks, chromosomes, clothes, clubs, conception, cookery shows, denim, Des O'Connor, fashion, fatherhood, fathers, food, gender, gender selection, genitalia, ginger hair, ginger wine, hair, illness, Inside Nature's Giants, James Martin, jeans, Joan Holloway, King Herod, kissing, ladyparts, Mad Men, Madame Tussauds, mating, Muzak, neighbours, Nigella, pants, paracetamol, parenthood, parents, penis, pharmaceuticals, photography, photos, piercings, pop music, Primark, Prince Albert, red hair, S Club, S Club 7, S Club 8, S Club Juniors, Sarah Nixey, sartorial, Saturday Kitchen, school plays, security, self-portraits, Sharon Stone, Simon Fuller, Smee, sons, sperm, Spice Girls, stupid ideas, trifle, trousers, TV viewing figures, unemployment, vagina, Victorians, volleyball, yuk
Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »
February 3, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 164 **
Smile! It’s a question from Ben in Letchworth:
My 14-month-old daughter has recently started to produce a big cheesy grin whenever we point a camera at her, without us even needing to ask her to say ‘cheese’. This got me thinking ‘fromage’ just won’t get that smiling look before a pic is taken; so answer me this, what do people that speak other languages ask their subjects to say?
A friend of mine always asks people to say ‘Prunes’ to get a pouty Victoria Beckham look.
If ‘prunes’ is good enough for the Olsen twins, it’s good enough for Friends in Letchworth. And the Mitfords used to say ‘brush’, which produces quite a coy smirk.
Team AMT, International Chapter: I call upon you to go to the comments and tell us how you crack a smile in a non-English-speaking country.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 9 Comments »
February 3, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 164 **
Here’s a question from the pleasingly rhyming Paul in Montreal:
Glaswegians are from Glasgow.
Liverpudlians are from Liverpool.
Londoners are from London.
What the fuck do you call people from Leeds??
Readers in the greater Leeds area, go to the comments and tell him. Paul, I don’t know why you’re so infuriated by this – is it a big problem facing Canadians at present? Moreover, what do you call people from Montreal?
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »
February 3, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 164 **
A hairy moment now from Jessy in San Francisco:
My Swiss husband went for his first American haircut last week. He was shocked to find that the only reading material on offer, as he waited for the barber (/stylist), was pornographic mags. (He clarified that it was not merely Maxim or the like, but straight out, hard-core mags like Hustler and Playboy.)
When he asked my brother about it, the explanation was that this is typical and a reaction to the Metrosexual trends of years past. My husband’s barber in Zürich is Muslim and a great fan of all things masculine, but only ever has the daily paper for waiting customers.
Answer me this, please, is this a larger trend then in the US? (We’re here in San Francisco and my brother is in New York.)
Hmm. I’ve never seen porn in a barber’s myself, but then I’m a woman and therefore have no business in a barbershop unless I’m scouting for quartets. I also tend to cut my own hair, but have thus far never warmed myself up to the task with some jazzmags (unless an 18-month-old copy of Word Magazine counts). So readers, go to the comments and tell Jessy all about the reading matter available to you pre-coiffure, in a user-generated international survey.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
January 31, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 164 **
Marc in Altrincham has left me gobsmacked:
Recently my favourite book, Dante’s Inferno, was turned into a game
. Although it is a journey through hell, I don’t remember Dante wielding a weapon in anger. So answer me this, which of the books you love would make a random computer game?
By ‘random’, we assume you mean ‘inappropriate’. Therefore we can confidently say: all of them. I struggle to imagine a first-person shooter based on The Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology
or some mid- to late-period WB Yeats
.
A more pleasing question, if you’ll allow me to venture, would be the following: “Which totemic literary work is ripe to be converted to a video game?” Readers, you know what to do. Trot to the comments, suggest away, and if anyone at Square or EA is reading this, we could be playing Wuthering Heights Tekken by Christmas.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 9 Comments »
January 27, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
Dear fellows,
Are you keeping calm? Are you carrying on? Because this week, in Answer Me This! Episode 164, we wonder how a morale-boosting WWII poster spawned all of this shit (nb by ‘this shit’ we don’t mean the episode here):
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
But before we get onto that, we talk of:
the G6 Summit
Bruce Wayne’s toilet
Jingle All the Way
Muffin the Mule
bingo wings before bingo wings
kleftiko
Levi Strauss
Tinie Tempah
Club Med vs. opera
synergy vs. symbiosis
pranks vs. sexual harassment
Tape
the fresh air suburb
domesticity, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-style
Groupon’s discount slaves
Shingai Shoniwa cutlets
and
bat guano.
Furthermore: Olly sees what could have happened to X Factor alumni G4, given a Sliding Doors-style alternative existence; Helen scripts Downton Abbey without ever having seen it; and if you catch Martin the Sound Man scrutinising your crotch when you’re at a public urinal, don’t worry – he’s just conducting a survey. At least, that’s his story, m’lud.
And if that weren’t bad enough news for your genitals, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a cautionary tale of how if you go orienteering, you’ll most likely get a stinging nettle on your reproductive organs. Heed that warning on iPhone or Android. Those of you with elderly phones, just remember to keep your pants on AT ALL TIMES. For nature can be so cruel.
Happily, you don’t have to keep your pants on in order to ask us QUESTIONS: all you have to do is send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or Skyping answermethis.
Actually, it would be better if you kept your pants on. Sorry. We’ve got such sensitive constitutions.
See you next Thursday!
Helen and Olly
PS. If you’ve ever done anything particularly G6-like yourself, by all means show off about it in the comments.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Tags: accidents, actors, Arnold Schwarzenegger, babies, Batman, bats, Ben Affleck, bicycles, Big Smoke, bodily fluids, bonnets, branding, Bruce Wayne, Bullseye, bullshit, bureacracy, bureaucrats, business, business bullshit, butchery, car crash, carbon footprint, carpet, Celebrity Juice, choir, cleaners, cleaning, cloth, cohabitation, cosmetics, Crystal Palace, cuts, cycling, denim, documents, Downton Abbey, Emmerdale, environment, etymology, fabric, face cream, fashion, Fearne Cotton, flatmates, food, genitalia, Genoa, green pen, Groupon, Hampton Court, Holly Willoughby, Hugh Bonneville, infidelity, ITV2, jeans, lamb, language, law, lawyers, Leigh Francis, Lizzie Roper, London, Maldon, Martin White, material, meat, Michael Caine, moisturiser, music industry, nanny state, nicknames, Nimes, nuts, Old Smoke, penis, period drama, Pez, phrases, pregnancy, probability, products, puppets, red pen, red tape, ribbon, rice, Richard Linklater, San Jose, sayings, sex, slavery, slaves, smog, squirrels, teachers, testicles, the apprentice, Tolkien, Toy Story, toys, Trevor McDonald, trousers, Uncle Ben, Upper Norwood, urination, urine, USA, wings
Posted in PODCASTS | 7 Comments »
Answer Me This! Podcast 