I have written in recently inquiring about the intricacies of how to tell if somebody doesn’t want to go on a second date with me. Believe it or not, I have successfully had repeat dates in the past, sometimes for years on end. My most recent ex and I broke up last June and are still good friends, but recently she has been suggesting going on a trip together.
I have no objections to this except that I think it might be a disaster. I am worried that we might spend the whole time butting heads over both inane, pointless disagreements and larger assumptions that we thought we shared about what we would do on the trip. It’s a lot harder to deal with that when there’s no sex at the end of the day.
So answer me this: how do I tell her that I think this is a bad idea without hurtfully saying, “I don’t want to go on a trip with you”? I can’t keep dodging the question forever.
Readers, take a trip to the comments right now and advise Joe in Seattle as to the best rebuff. Based on one thing we already know Joe (he’s a musician), I’d suggest intimating to her that you can’t afford a trip right now (based on one thing we already know about most musicians – they’re rarely rolling in spare money). Based on another thing we know about Joe (he’s in the USA), I think he could alternatively pretend that he’s saving his vacation time for later (based on one thing we already know about most Americans – they are allowed about ten minutes’ annual leave).
I’m more curious to know why Joe’s ex is so keen to take a trip with him, anyway. The break-up is still a bit too recent for them to be recast as just good old friends, with no awkwardness or residual tension. Is she perhaps hankering after a Joe re-run?
And, do not forget, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 249 as well:
Today we discuss:
tweed
Michael Jackson’s umbrella
chopsticks
Gaelic warlords
pipe-smoking
tax trends
The Fugitive vs. fairytales
Harold Wilson vs. Gandalf
lockers
the goddess Ériu
Toronto, Kansas
chopsticks
and
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.
Plus: teenage Olly was the lovelorn Bard of txtspk; Helen is going to spend the AMTbreak in Scotland investigating The Mystery of the Missing Sweet and Sour Pork Balls; and Martin the Sound Man won’t sacrifice choice for convenience when it comes to the specific heat capaity of his toast toppings.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), we delve further into Chris from Lewes’s question about combining butter with other spreadable substances. Perhaps he’s just ahead of his time! Or perhaps he really is just unbelievably lazy.
You, however, ought not be so lazy that you fail to send us your QUESTIONS for the next series. Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Give us something great with which to celebrate AMT250, because we can’t afford a marching band.
It’s always Wedding Season at AMT, and here’s a question of nuptuals from Jim from Tewkesbury
A couple of years ago a dear childhood friend of mine hooked up with an American broad working over here in the UK. They moved Stateside a few months ago to be near her family, and happily they are soon to be married. I have been asked to be Best Man, and while this is a great honour which I have accepted, I have recently been wondering if I should let him down.
The wedding is in New Jersey, and while researching flights and hotels I have discovered that holidaying in America is ferociously expensive. My girlfriend is currently out of work and we’re saving to buy a house, and although we have the money I don’t want to spend that much to go to a wedding at this time.
So answer me this; should we:
A. Carelessly splurge our savings now, miss out on the wedding and be a Very Bad Friend, or
B. Plan to go and visit them next year when my ladyfriend and I will hopefully be employed and solvent, and be able to spend some quality time with them?
I’m a bit confused by your options, Jim. If you’re missing the wedding in option A, on what are you splurging your savings? Why are neither of the options ‘Go to the wedding’? Because although we usually advise couples to be circumspect about the likelihood of friends from abroad making it to their weddings, if you’re such a good friend that you’ve been asked to be best man, you really should try to go. Even if your girlfriend has to stay home, and you’re couchsurfing while you’re over there.
Do talk it over with your friend, though. Perhaps he can suggest cunning money-savers, people you could stay with, and at the very least excuse you from expensive stag adventures or all the pricey pre-wedding jollies that the Americans have managed to invent.
In 2009 my haphazard income forced me to miss the California wedding of a pair of my favourite friends, and I still regret it. This may be skewing my response to this question, so readers, go to the comments and tell Jim where to go. As it were.
If you do decide not to go, Jim, suggest your friend replaces you with something even better than a best man, like this fellow did.
My daughter’s tooth fell out and is expecting a visit from the tooth fairy. When did this tradition start and what is the going rate nowadays?
Brush up on AMT229, Graeme, in which we already mulled over this topic then. However prices are rising all the time in these economically debilitated times, so readers: what IS the going rate? Head to the comments and tell Graeme, so he can arrange a PayPal transfer of the appropriate amount.
Remember Joe from Seattle from AMT244, who wrote to us asking if he was being spurned by a girl after their first date? (Turned out he was.) It appears he has a recurring problem, for we recently received the following email:
It’s Joe in Seattle, trying to get a second date again.
I recently met someone at an open mic (we’re musicians), and we ended up back at my place. In the morning she gave me a very nice kiss goodbye and her number.
I texted “This is joe’s number :-)” that morning with no response, and the next morning texted, “Hey, wanna play some music this weekend,” something that we had discussed early in the evening.
Her response was, “hey sorry cant out of town most of the weekend,” with no alternative or counter offer.
Answer me this: should I be reading something into this?
Possibly. For a more definitive prognosis, maybe wait a week then text her again, saying that you’re going to a particular gig soon and would she like to join you? Casual. No pressure. If she still acts like she’s so busy she can’t even punctuate her texts properly, and doesn’t suggest an alternative meeting, then you probably should return to prowling the open mic circuit for new prey.
Let’s examine some alternative hypotheses:
1. You texted too soon. She found it a bit much.
2. She is a woman who does not care for smileys.
3. It was just a one-night stand for her.
4. That one night ran the whole relationship gamut for her. It was perfect as it is. She doesn’t want to dilute it with follow-ups. This is why in Before Sunrise they made that stupid arrangement not to write or call after their night together. (Yes, maybe in nine years she and Joe will bump into each other in Seattle and hit it off again. (And have another sequel nine years after that.))
However, maybe there’s something amiss with your dating technique. Comb My Very Worst Date to make sure you’re not on there.
Readers, if you can add more insight, please do so in the comments. Joe needs you. He can’t be a one-date-wonder forever.
Following our discussion of London, Ontario last week, several of you have piped up about places that have the same name as another place but are not THE place. Says Emma:
I was just so excited that last week you mentioned Vancouver, Washington, and our struggle to differentiate ourselves from Vancouver, BC. I grew up in Vancouver, WA, and we had severe little dog syndrome. There are t-shirts in the local mall that read “Vancouver – NOT BC, Washington – NOT DC.” During the Vancouver winter Olympics we had loads of people trying to book rooms for the games in Vancouver, Washington. Idiots.
Actually, our Vancouver was founded before the one in Canada, but no one cares besides us.
To avoid such confusion, I’ve moved to New York City. Nobody asks which New York City you’re referencing.
Secondly, there ain’t no California Dreaming for Rebecca:
There’s a California in Great Yarmouth. That always used to make my childhood holidays sound more fun than they were.
NO DON’T TELL US. Tell nobody. Find that impulse that lurks deep within yourself to vocalise your opinions upon a matter so boring, so mundane, so underwhelming an indicator of anything interesting about your character; find it, then destroy it.
Then listen to Answer Me This! Episode 248:
Today we ponder upon:
Flu Camp
pregnancy disguises
Stevenage slush puppies (not a euphemism)
Ming Dynasty toilet paper
Joseph Gayetty
posh Pot Noodles
domestic rubbish vs. commercial rubbish
London, UK vs. London, Ontario
figure skating vs. Dancing On Ice
Tiny Toronto
and Sergey Brin hiding in the bushes.
Plus: Olly’s lukewarm about Google Glass, but looking forward to the installation of his Google Womb; Helen believes the empire waist to be an offence to waists (and empires); and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t like the principles of Ayn Rand, he just looks like he does.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Poppy wondering why Skittles’ latest ad campaign is targeting the people-who-eat-bodily-growths market. Cheer up, Poppy; at least they’re not suggesting you wipe your bottom with Skittles then tell them about it.
Tell us your QUESTIONS, though: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Then treat yourself to a free Audible audiobook as a reward. OK, you can have one anyway, for being so well-behaved (and because we receive a bit of lovely money for each of you who has one; let’s not be coy about it).
You may not feel much sympathy for tall, young, lithe questioneer James, but stick with his question because he needs your help (or the help of one of those sinister adverts in the back of magazines for mail-order penis pumps):
I am a 6’3″, 16st, muscular, fit and healthy, 25-year-old male. It would also be fair to say that I haven’t been “short changed” in the trouser department.
So… Helen and Olly, answer me this:
Why is it that after I exercise my penis resembles a small acorn?
For around an hour after I exercise, my penis decides to retreat. Most wouldn’t see this as a problem, or even noteworthy. However, it turns post-workout showers into a very shy affair, compared to pre-workout showers where I can hold my head up high.
Is there a biological reason for this? If so, please put my mind to to rest.
Biologists! Physiotherapists! Gym instructors! Penis experts! If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and offer James your opinion. Are his exercises perhaps causing his muscles to retract and withdraw his gentlemanly organs? Does he need special gym-pants? Or should he just stop worrying about the shower-gawkers? Help him: his penis self-esteem is in your hands.
Here’s a question of bats and goats from Ian:
I am from a small village outside Nottingham called Gotham. My friend says Gotham City is named after this tiny village, as the writer of Batman was obsessed by the mad men of Gotham legend, which the village is locally famous for. So answer me this, is he telling the truth?
He is telling both truth and untruth. Bill Finger, whose fingers co-created Batman, wanted to change Batman’s stamping ground from New York City to a similar but fictional location. After considering names including Civic City (tautological!) Capital City (F- for effort, Finger!) and Coast City (bor-inggggggg!!!!) he flipped through the NYC phonebook – presumably looking for listings for an ‘Emergency Pseudonym Writer’ – and chanced upon Gotham Jewelers. This pleased him and thus Bill Finger pinched the name and put it into the fourth issue of Batman, back in 1940, without so much as a yowl from the mad men of Gotham, Nottinghamshire.
However! The mad men of Gotham can give themselves big pats on their big mad backs because without them, Gotham Jewelers would have been called something else, and Batman would have found himself decking the villains of Cash 4 Gold City. Next time you’re waiting to see the dentist, flip through that copy of Salmagundi Magazine that’s been in the waiting room since 11th November 1807. Therein you’ll see Washington Irving referring to New York City as Gotham, wrily suggesting that the city shared some of the traits of the mythical idiots of Gotham. The 19th century crowd went wild for this joke, but give them a break – they had cholera epidemics to deal with at the time, and almost anything is funnier than a cholera epidemic.
So to answer your question, Ian: the writers of Batman were not obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but some local businesses were obsessed with a trend started by an author who might have been obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but at the very least was mildly interested in one of them. Just imagine if Washington Irving had been a fan of another Nottinghamshire village; perhaps Bunny, or Papplewick, or even Cropwell Bishop – oh, how much more gentle the Batman realm would have seemed! Not that Gotham itself is that cool either, since it derives from the Old English words ‘goat home’. Wouldn’t it have been great if The Dark Knight Rises, instead of featuring the machinations of corporate bore Miranda Tate, had centred around a malevolent goat looking to seize back its rightful leaseholds? Christopher Nolan, call me!
Since we all know from Trapped in the Closet how creative R Kelly is, it’s particularly galling that he didn’t make more of the goat association. What a missed opportunity.
It may look like we’re only showing you this email from Karen in Sydney to celebrate our own amazingness, but it should become clear from the fourth paragraph or so that the delightful compliments are rather mitigated. It also demonstrates why most Missed Connections are best left missed, because if you actually do start up that conversation with the hot stranger on the train, it all goes to shit.
Karen writes:
Every day I have a train ride to work – 1 hour 20 mins where I pass the time listening to Answer Me This and other podcasts.
Well this week while listening to the latest podcast, someone sitting beside me wanted to have a conversation about your podcast!
He proceeded to tell me how fantastic you guys are and that he is always listening to you. That’s great I say, agree with him and say that I just love the chill out time on the train listening to you guys, thinking he would get the hint I don’t want to talk to him.
He then tells me his dream is to go to England to meet you both (I say run and hide now).
He then asks me if I want to join him – I say no, I’m just listening to the podcasts.
My earphones go back in, and I sit quietly. I then get a tap on the shoulder 5 minutes later, asking to share one of my headphones so he can listen as well. I say no I would prefer not.
He then says, “Let’s talk about our favourite episodes” WTF!!! Leave me alone, freak, I say in my head.
OK so I get up and move seats saying “I’m sorry I just like to relax and am not in the mood to talk”. I move to another seat, he then gets up and walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder 15 mins later and yells at me in a full train carriage, “You are a bitch, I’m not taking you to England now to meet Helen and Olly.”
Answer me this: am I a bitch for not wanting to talk to someone I don’t know for an hour and 20 mins nor someone that I want to know?
No. It was decent of you to indicate early on that you’re not even suited to share an 80-minute journey, let alone a flight to the other side of the world (plus a few hours on London transport) and back. This releases him to find a travel-companion who is really up for the job. So if any AMT superfan WLTM same to share laughs and long-haul travel, they should hang out on the trains of New South Wales until they encounter this enthusiast.
What a surprise the publishers of our book decided not to use this picture! Granted, their usual style of authorial portrait is usually a little more contemplative, a tad more restrained. But they probably thought that to print an image of such timeless, exquisite beauty on the cover of our book would be unfair on all the other books.
Yes. That must have been the reasoning.
To find out why we have unleashed this aesthetics gamechanger, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 247:
Today we discuss:
forked tongues
Liv Tyler’s tits
holiday snaps
smoking vs. self-pleasuring
Pot Noodles vs. aquariums Armageddon vs. Les Miserables
menageries vs. mono-nageries corgis’ Christmas Lion Tower
Bruce Willis in a space suit
and
bedroom antics.
Plus: Olly reveals how the Queen helped Kate and Willsher dogs to mate; Helen’s holiday photo albums all look like this; and Martin the Sound Man ejaculates through his tear ducts, apparently.
As an extension of the final questioneer’s bath masturbation query, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) considers what else you can do in a bath, if said bath is in Las Vegas. Clue: cleanliness is unlikely to be the most immediate concern.
Our immediate concern is, of course, gathering your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Here’s a question of body art from Kristian from Sunderland:
My girlfriend really wants to get a tattoo. Problem is that I hate tattoos and find them extremely unattractive. We got in a fight when I told her this and she said I should be ‘more open minded’ and ‘trust her with her body’.
I still disagree. We are pretty serious as a couple and I would like to think if the scenario was the other way around and she didn’t want me getting a tattoo I wanted, I wouldn’t hesitate not to get it.
Do I have right as the boyfriend to tell her not to get a tattoo? Or do I let her graffiti her body as she pleases and then regret it in years to come?
Well Kristian, you don’t have the right to tell her what to do with her own body. But you ARE right that she might regret it. The important thing is how you frame your reservations about her plan: of course she’ll object if it’s just your personal taste being offended; but she might be more amenable if you are the voice of caution, because so many tattoos are whims that you’re then stuck with forever.
Even so, you can’t expect her never to get a tattoo. But you can recite to her the oft-repeated AMT guide to sensible tattooing:
1. When you come up with a design you want, draw it upon yourself in marker pen for at least six months before getting a permanent inking.
2. Do not get a tattoo on any part of the body that would still be visible if you were dressed as a monk.
3. If your tattoo design contains words, always check the spelling before the needle meets your flesh.
Answer Me This! Podcast 