Abracadabra! Alacazam! Bippity Boppity Boo! Hey Presto! And other words stage magicians probably don’t use any more! But as if by magic, out of the false-bottomed top hat Answer Me This! Episode 279 appears:
In which we speak of:
hangovers in London
The Breakfast Club burrito
card tricks
great grandparents (not great-grandparents)
the Masked Magician’s spoilers
Simon Callow’s Vegas spectacular Olly’s fantastic grandma
grumpy old men
and
shutting children up.
Plus: Olly is bewitched by David Copperfield’s hair more than his illusions; Helen got lost on a school trip, which was probably better than being on the fun-drained trip itself; and Martin the Sound Man illustrates why the romance of (500) Days of Summer wouldn’t have worked so well if the action had been transplanted to Croydon.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we consider what wisdom our grandparents passed on. Did yours bequeath any sage homilies or sensible advice? Let us know in the comments.
If you’re as excited as we are about the all-new AMT Christmas album, click HERE to find out more about it and to buy. Your money keeps this podcast going, which hopefully is a good thing in your minds as well as ours.
Also keeping this podcast going are squarespace.com, who are also keeping easy website-building going. For 10% off their services, use the code Answer11; they’re also offering you the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace. Come on, you competitive-spirited web-builders! PLAY TO WIN!
Finally, please send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Vanishing in a puff of smoke, but really behind a curtain,
Helen & Olly
AMT279 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Some swears. Discussion of hangovers, which may corrupt the youth. Deconstruction of some stage magic tricks, which may prove disillusioning to the credulous young mind.
Apologies for our absence last week; normal service resumes today with Answer Me This! Episode 278:
In which we discuss:
pissing with Clint Eastwood Annie Hall
Action Man
Kinder Eggs vs the law
ginger ale vs ginger beer
romcoms vs heartbreak
fake tan
sexy scars
GI Joe’s thumb
the golden era of Richard Curtis
and
Peter Stringfellow’s Marmitey penis.
Today’s episode was sponsored by squarespace.com, who are not only offering you 10% off their wonderful website-building services if you use the code Answer11, but also the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we wonder whether Peter Stringfellow is a nice (string)fellow. If you can confirm or deny, do let us know.
And, more importantly, do send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
If like this week’s questioneer Maz you want to salve your broken heart with unlimited streaming of films and TV, get yourself a month’s free LoveFilm trial at answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm. You can also block out some white noise by listening to Helen’s other podcast Sound Women, available here.
Our final demand: join us next Thursday, please,
Helen & Olly
AMT278 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Celebripissing chat and mention of Peter Stringfellow’s stringfellow, but low swearage and kid-appropriate topics such as Action Man, Kinder Surprise and soft drinks.
This week’s episode comes from AMT’s rural outpost: Olly’s new house in the countraayyyyyy. And you know who else lives there? Of course it’s Olly’s beloved cat COCO! Listen carefully for her special guest appearance in Answer Me This! Episode 277:
Plus: Olly prefers silence and privacy during lavatory-time; Helen does not endorse the Divine Right of Kings; and Martin the Sound Man destroys Olly by winning Coco’s affections (and eating all the chocolate buttons). Look at him, brazenly wooing her away from the Mann who loves her most.
Martin steals Olly’s cat’s love
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Olly betrays his younger self by not bothering to meet Jason Donovan.
Please do bother to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to listener Gil8ert for the jingle, to pod-colleague Roman Mars for calling in, and to squarespace.com for bringing you this episode. To get 10% off their myriad wonderful website-building services, remember to use the code Answer10.
In the words of Atomic Kitten, see ya!
Helen & Olly
AMT277 Child-Friendly Rating: 76%. A handful of swears. Reference to a blowie. Discussion of weeing adjacent to famous people. Could be a lot worse.
As Halloween approaches, in Answer Me This! Episode 276 we wonder how it is that in films, adorable little girls become UTTERLY TERRIFYING. See above. Then listen below:
We also consider:
Cineworld Stevenage Stars in their Eyes
the most tree-filled city in Europe
pound shops
Lisa Stansfield
working night shifts Freddo bars
Bon Jovi vs Dr Alban
Midlands canals vs Venetian canals
the Clee Hills vs the Urals
the Torquay Eye
Chinese restaurants
Stoptober, Movember and Dickember
and
balti.
Plus: Olly gets busy with the passover plate; you can sponsor Helen next time she’s buying posh chocolate; and Martin the Sound Man gets a whole question about his birthplace, Birmingham! Beware: the Brummie beast is unleashed…
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we tackle a question from Ali from Cambridge, who after her recent break-up is gripped by the urge to chop her hair off. Classic technique, Ali.
We do want your whelming facts about Birmingham, or even your own hometown, but most of all we want your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT276 Child-Friendly Rating: 87%. A couple of swears, though the strongest are quoting a child, Regan in The Exorcist.
In writing this post, we’ve learnt that the paintings of Helen Daniels are SO dreadful, even Google Images refuses to index many of them. There’s not even an ironic Tumblr collection! The image above was the only shot we could find of the Kennedy klan’s portrait, but it remains as powerfully repellant as ever.
Why have we waved this horrifying visual in front of your eyes? Listen to Answer Me This! Episode 275 to discover:
On today’s slate:
the British Museum
loans for kids
Colosseum 4 Kids
pet heirs
Sir Hans Sloane
covered bridges
melting marshmallows
and
crayon-eating.
Plus: Olly is waiting for the long overdue system update for wooden furniture; Helen’s swerving from pumpkin-spiced lattes; and Martin the Sound Man has identified the point at which he left childhood for adulthood: when he started fancy-talking about his excrement.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Helen readies herself for the inevitable call asking her to join Gladiators if they ever rereboot it. She may not be match fit, but she’s got her name all picked out.
Until that happens, we will continue to do battle with your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
This episode was brought to you by the largesse of squarespace.com, who are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10 after you’ve used up your two weeks’ free website-building experimental phase.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT275 Child-Friendly Rating: 98%. Educational content; clean language apart from the word ‘shat’. Not bad going, eh?
Why even bother listening to Answer Me This! Episode 274 when you can book PAT SHARP AND THE TWINS to come and do Fun House with you????
Once the disappointment has faded that they don’t actually bring the house with them, they just conjure it in words, then you might as well hear today’s episode:
In which we discuss:
Leonard Cohen’s party anthems
parliamentary mutterings
winking
Anne Robinson vs Doris Day
Bourbon biscuits vs Bourbon boozes Breaking Bad vs Streetmate
Bud Lite Platinum vs Old Speckled Hen Platinum Scandal
Justin Timberlake’s part-time jobs
spare American presidents
and six degradations of Kevin Bacon.
Plus: Olly is NOT a winker, whatever you’ve heard; Helen will waive all usual constitutional structure for Michelle Obama; and Martin the Sound Man is happier than you’ve ever heard him. Possibly happier than he’s ever been. Including his wedding day.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Olly worries about being out-butched by a baby. Accept what you cannot change, Olly.
You can change AMT by sending in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And you could also change the education of young people by helping Martin raise funds for the charity Arts Emergency: they’ll receive all proceeds of his concept album with Mark Burrows, Kill It With Fire.
You can also give us a bit of money without actually giving us your own money: just take our free LoveFilm trial. With it, you can stream The Perks of Being a Wallflower (as well as thousands of other films and televisuals) then tell us whether you concur with our opinion voiced in AMT233.
Even if you can’t be arsed to do any of those fairly low-stress things, please join us again next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT274 Child-Friendly Rating: 95%. Bit of mid-level swearing right off the mark, but otherwise an episode largely free of ribaldry and profanity. Child-appropriate topics including Fun House, biscuits and Doris Day. The kids are fairly likely to zone out during the politics stuff.
While we reel from the ‘IT’S OCTOBER ALREADY, HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?’ feeling, get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 273:
Today we tackle such subjects as:
Olly Mann vs Eminem
old men vs dead men
Shakespeare vs Star Trek
“carriages at 11pm”
spare buttons
Michelin Guides
naming planets
and The Fat Duck.
Furthermore: Olly is not a particularly discerning restaurant reviewer; the surprise element means Helen is bound for glory in rap battles; and Martin the Sound Man’s not going to helm an AMT Album about rocket science any time soon, though you can buy his new concept album Kill It With Fire – all proceeds go to the charity Arts Emergency.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) we continue our discussion about Michelin-starred restaurants, but somehow end up considering which wines to pair with a Gregg’s pasty. These things happen.
If you want more AMT to happen, send in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And please do give squarespace.com a whirl: they have not only sponsored today’s episode of AMT, but are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10, after you’ve had your two weeks’ free website-building fun.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT273 Child-Friendly Rating: 94%. Light on bawdy-talk and it was SO close to being a swear-free episode until we mentioned of the planet Uranus, causing Martin the Sound Man to make up some sweary planet names of his own. A couple of low-impact swears thereafter. Also a passing reference to bongs, but not one encouraging kids to use them.
Today’s questioneer Beth has chosen the AMT Holiday album to be the soundtrack to her child’s birth. If you have ever given birth whilst listening to Answer Me This!, we’d be curious to know. Although we refuse to accept responsibility for any psychological problems your child develops as a result.
Anyway, welcome to the world, babies born during Answer Me This! Episode 272:
Their tiny little damp ears would be caressed by such topics as:
Plus: Olly expects all aliens to keep it sexy; Helen has a box set ready to get herself through any occasion; and Martin the Sound Man has gender issues, if his predilection for Bounty Bars is any indicator. And if you’re a non-Brit wondering what a Bounty Bar is, we translate for you in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android): it’s the same thing as Mounds. Great name, guys!
We’re taking next week off, so you have ample time to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And don’t forget to check out squarespace.com, who have kindly sponsored today’s episode of AMT, and are even more kindly offering you two weeks’ free play with all their website-building tools and then 10% off their service if you use the code Answer9. There are myriad design templates and hosting options, and 24/7 support if you need a hand. So go forth and build beautiful websites! And do let us know about them when you’re done. As long as they’re not the kind of site that would traumatise your child if they accidentally found them whilst snooping in your browser history.
See you Thursday after next,
Helen & Olly
AMT272 Child-Friendly Rating: 34%. Quite a lot of swearing. Question from a child about a parent’s possible extra-curricular sexual activities, inc explanation of ‘dogging’.
On this week’s hot topic of aliens, here’s Martin the Sound Man just outside Area 51
Today we learn why all those people believe Elvis to be alive, whereas they don’t feign such confidence over the likes of, say, Janis Joplin, Robert Johnson, Mozart… Put on your white jumpsuit and conspiracy theorising hat, and get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 271:
In which we also ponder:
office nemeses
servants
panpipes
table tennis bats
cupcake wars (interpersonal ones, not the tv show of the same name) Red Or Black vs Ant Or Dec
the parliamentary mace vs Geoff Hoon
The Flaming Et Cetera
and
the National Enquirer.
Furthermore! Of course Olly loves the sound of his own voice, but only in solitude; sure, Helen can bake, but it’s nothing really (on the other hand, talking shit every week is high art); and Martin the Sound Man posits that not only is Elvis not alive now, he was also not alive during most of his life. You still following?
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) Helen wonders how a duck foetus ends up in a glass of champagne on a tasting menu – and moreover why anybody would think that is a suitable first date drink.
Also not suitable for a first date, but perfectly suitable for most other times, is sending us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT271 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Opens with an email about Consenting Adults’ Bedsports, but other than that, very clean, even swear-wise.
At the time of recording Answer Me This! Episode 270dicksmack.org*, the domain name bandied around in last week’s episode, was still available. But within minutes of today’s episode becoming available, it seems one enterprising listener snapped it up. If it’s any comfort, dicksmack.com is still available…
* Apologies to any listener called Dick S. Mack for any upset all this may have caused
On today’s agenda:
ostrich eggs
symmetrical balls
gorilla balls
the ‘guess the price of the scarves’ game
book blurbs
jam vs conserve
supernatural forces vs scientific forces Zara vs Liberty
Rick Stein’s signature vs George Orwell’s signature
Frankenstein’s monster’s education
celebrity community service the LingerieLegends Football League
the We’re the Millers trailer
and
zombies.
Plus: Olly’s binders full of women are very well organised; Helen insists on having a Pocket full of articles to keep her diverted during boring shopping trips; and Martin the Sound Man finally reveals what his PhD was in. Wait – he didn’t just buy it off the internet?
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) includes Olly’s impression of every Stephen King film ever. Has to be heard to be believed.
Please be so kind as to send us your QUESTIONS (unless they’re about zombies, in which case don’t): leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Oh, and if you want to buy a signed copy of the AMT book, and to support a terrific independent bookshop by doing so, ask Bookseller Crow for one.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT270 Child-Friendly Rating: 36%. F-bomb detonates within first minute of the show, followed by discussion about dicksmack.org, and the dick-related things that site could potentially contain. Several swears. Early question about testicles. Safe waters in the middle of the show, but ends with a question about a sport that is essentially fap-material.
Trolls have been in the news a lot lately – the online tormentor kind, but not the toys that used to be so popular. Why is that? Did people finally take a clear-eyed look at those dinky little plastic haemorrhoids and realise that they disobeyed William Morris’s dictum regarding beauty/usefulness? Has there been a worldwide shortage of neon hair?
No. Find out the true reason for trolls’ recent retirement from the limelight in Answer Me This! Episode 269:
In which we also learn about:
wicker furniture
family holidays
murder houses
Ray Winstone vs. June Whitfield
indoor-outdoor space
the Lindbergh baby
the seven generic top-level domains
pianists’ page-turners Thomas Dam
and
Yoshi.
Plus: Olly gets to talk about cats, and their glands, and their necks, and their cheeks, and their adorable bums; if Helen were the subject of a Thomas Harris novel, it’d be The Silence of the Chairs; and Martin the Sound Man is indignant at the idea of a male dinosaur laying an egg through his urethra.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App features a humdinger of a tale: Olly has alphabeticised his spice rack. For reals! Hear all about it, and how Helen has organised her spice rack, on your iDevice or Android.
Also, if you want to have a holiday that is more enjoyable than questioneer Pat from Canada’s, try the AMT Holiday album – no family rows or screaming kids, just one hour of us jabbering on into your ear. What could be more paradisial and relaxing than that?
Don’t be so relaxed that you forget to send us your QUESTIONS, though. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT269 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Some swearing, one attributable to Olly channelling Ray Winstone. References to feline sexual delight. Detraction of possibly beloved-by-children Troll dolls.
PS Oh, HERE’s where all the Trolls disappeared to. (Aside from all the ones that have been hiding out here.)
Although August is coming to a close, and with it the Edinburgh Fringe, there’s still just enough time to incorporate our grade-A publicity techniques into your show. Learn from the masters in Answer Me This! Episode 268:
In which we also consider:
SeaWorld
ark logistics
glacier cherries
Peter Nichols’ Passion Play
Noah’s flood vs. the great flood of Edgware
transporting whales
E number 127
aeroplane seat-reclining etiquette
endless Chorus Line
war poetry
and
Barry Scott.
Plus: Olly warns you not to sit behind him on a flight, as he provides his own, er, jet propulsion; Helen still regrets inadvertently reviving the Al Jolson look for Edinburgh Fringe punters; and Martin the Sound Man fails the ‘name the artificial colourant in the glacé cherries’ game.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, Helen tells you the magic trick with which you can WOW your friends (or thoroughly disappoint them if all they wanted was a nice refreshing orange).
Don’t disappoint us: send us your nice refreshing QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. If we answer them, as Barry Scott would say: bang, and the doubt is gone.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT268 Child-Friendly Rating: 75%. In the aftermath of AMT267, this episode opens with further discussion of virginity loss, with concomitant references to genitalia and sexual practices. However the rest of the episode is clean beans, aside from a couple of swears.
PS Because we’d never leave you with an endless Chorus Line:
Answer Me This! Podcast 