Why are we leering over an inaccurate drawing of Her Maj? Find out in Answer Me This! Episode 310:
Today we consider:
Brownies
bacon
Hamlet cigars
cleaning your stovetop cleaning like Robocop
the redundancy of toothpaste
the ethics of Tesco Clubcard vouchers
Jurassic Park: The Ballet
Home Alone: The Ballet
Miss Saigon: The Helicopter
post-coital smoking
post-coital tristesse
and
chicken-flavoured crisps.
Plus: Olly is ready to join a Cub Pack for adults; Helen campaigns for Cheetos to be sold in the UK; and the latest victim of Martin the Sound Man’s uncanny impersonations is Jeff Goldblum. What did Goldblum ever do to you, Martin? We also hear back from AMT308 questioneer Lizzie, whose life is getting more Sliding Doors with every passing episode.
For further beanery following AMT309, peruse the listener-submitted Bean Gallery, and listen to today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows gadgets) in which listener Nick describes his recent experience of sitting in a baked bean bath for 27 HOURS. For charity. Not for his own fun.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Go forth and create the website of your dreams! (The good dreams, not the ones where you’re being chased by a terrifying headless monk with the claws of a bear.)
we’ll return on 2nd April 2015 with AMT311. Join us!
Helen & Olly
••• AMT310 Child-Friendly Rating: 77%. Only a couple of swears. Content is pretty clean, even a question about post-coital smoking. •••
Here’s some great – albeit crashingly obvious – advice via Paul from Bristol:
In AMT278 you briefly speculated on the erotic uses of Marmite. I was reminded that a friend of mine once told me, “Never put your bollocks in an empty Marmite jar”. Apparently the shape of the jar makes it impossible to remove them again.
Answer me this: is this true, and if I were to test it what excuse do you suggest I give to the staff in A&E?
Paul’s first question: readers, if you have personal experience of this, either as the enterprising bollock-stuffer or the emergency responder who had to extract the bollocks, please tell us all about it in the comments.
Paul’s second question: there are NO possible excuses. The best you can do is saying you did it for a bet. Anyway, why would you want an excuse? If you’ve gone to all that effort to be The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar, you surely want to be known as The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar.
It’s always pleasing to hear from you learned listeners; thanks, Josie, for getting in touch to share Knowledge:
Listening to last week’s episode, I heard you discuss the medicinal properties of Marmite, where Helen said it could repel mosquitoes.
As a mosquito biologist myself I have heard this a few times but, though I love Marmite, all evidence produced so far says that neither vitamin B nor garlic (another commonly toted ‘repellent food’) have any effect on mosquito activity.
This myth is surprisingly persistent though and even my Mum refuses to believe me on this point (apparently a PhD is mosquito biology counts for nothing here!). Just thought I’d write in to make sure that your listeners, unlike my mother, do not plan trips to malaria endemic countries with the intent of using Marmite as a protection against bites!
Other odd, evidence-less repellent ideas I’ve come across during my work include hanging bags of water in your house, as mosquitoes are “terrified my their own magnified reflections in the water surface and run away”, and writing the number “82” on a big sign above your coffee machine.
Because…mosquitoes are terrified by the atomic number of lead? Sounds scientific to me!
Marmite is famously purported to be a divisive substance, and it seems Luke in Kurdistan felt the same about our conversation regarding it:
Answer me this – how did an innocent question about the health benefits of Marmite (or lack thereof), finish with an answer to “Would it be good for the soul to wake up in bed with Peter Stringfellow, if covered in a B vitamin rich, salty spread?”?
Apologies for our absence last week; normal service resumes today with Answer Me This! Episode 278:
In which we discuss:
pissing with Clint Eastwood Annie Hall
Action Man
Kinder Eggs vs the law
ginger ale vs ginger beer
romcoms vs heartbreak
fake tan
sexy scars
GI Joe’s thumb
the golden era of Richard Curtis
and
Peter Stringfellow’s Marmitey penis.
Today’s episode was sponsored by squarespace.com, who are not only offering you 10% off their wonderful website-building services if you use the code Answer11, but also the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we wonder whether Peter Stringfellow is a nice (string)fellow. If you can confirm or deny, do let us know.
And, more importantly, do send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
If like this week’s questioneer Maz you want to salve your broken heart with unlimited streaming of films and TV, get yourself a month’s free LoveFilm trial at answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm. You can also block out some white noise by listening to Helen’s other podcast Sound Women, available here.
Our final demand: join us next Thursday, please,
Helen & Olly
AMT278 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Celebripissing chat and mention of Peter Stringfellow’s stringfellow, but low swearage and kid-appropriate topics such as Action Man, Kinder Surprise and soft drinks.
So that unfeasibly rich child from Two and a Half Men says you should not watch Two and a Half Men because it is pisspoor FILTH and THE ENEMY’S PLAN.
As usual there’s some mild FILTH in Answer Me This! Episode 239. Can’t disclose the enemy’s plans; you’ll have to interpret them yourself when you listen:
Plus: Olly blows bubbles out of his bum; Helen calls for tougher gum laws; and Martin the Sound Man is pleased you all seem to like his package.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is more hot air from Olly, as he recounts how he burped into a stranger’s face. Luckily, because Olly couldn’t hear it at the time, it DID NOT COUNT.
Your QUESTIONS definitely do count, so please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
There’s an ocean between us and Alexandra in Wisconsin. An ocean of yeast extract:
I’ve always been a fan of British culture, so I went to my local World Market (a speciality store that sells imported goods of all kinds) and bought the biggest jar of Marmite I could get my hands on.
I took it home, and toasted an (English) muffin in anticipation, mouth watering at the deliciousness that was to soon come my way. After all, England has given us so many wonderful things: David Bowie, to name just one.
OH MY DEAR SWEET GOD IT WAS THE WORST TASTING STUFF EVER. I tried it on bread, crackers, muffins… I tried dipping celery in it… to say this is an acquired taste is a huge understatement. How can you eat this stuff?
I’m Marmite-ambivalent, so if you need suggestions for how to eat your Marmite, I direct you to this three-course Marmite menu by Gary Rhodes (non-Brits wondering who he is: a spiky-haired celebrity chef, slightly less annoying than Guy Fieri). And here is a whole website devoted to Marmite cookery. Marmite Victoria sponge? Excuse me while I choke on my own vomit.
Also, a tip: you may be spreading it too thickly. Try a little less Marmite. If you still find it repugnant, try even less Marmite – ie zero Marmite. Problem solved.
Of course, you’re already used to getting good advice from us. (Shut up!) But this week, we have some even better advice from broadcasting stalwart Paul Ross, which was instrumental in making Olly Mann the broadcasting stalwart he himself is today. Hear what it was here and here only, in Answer Me This! Episode 152:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week, we address subjects including:
90s collars
Benson & Hedges
The Saturdays
butterbear
Carr’s water biscuits
yuppie kids
evil spirits
Ciro Citterio
the Queen vs. Pixie Lott
Batman’s wedding
Hong Kong tailors
trangias
Terry’s Chocolate Lemons
ligatures
Warhorse
Ben Stiller’s workwear
the musical cleft
Luciano Pavarotti outstaying his welcome
ball-handlers
the Isle of Arran
and
&.
Furthermore: Olly is a staunch conservative when it comes to the appropriate composition of orange-flavoured foodstuffs; Helen’s innate scruffiness has dashed her telemarketing dreams; and Martin the Sound Man stands up for Tom Stoppard. Meanwhile, over on the app, Gaz from Jedburgh has a question about a problem we’re sure is common to a great many of you: nepotism in the forestry business.
Everyone who got a question answered in today’s episode needs to email us their postal address sharpish, so we can send along a free copy of the Answer Me This! book; everyone else needs to send us a QUESTION to be in with a chance to win a free book, along with an answer, of course. You know what to do: leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Woo-hoo, it’s time for our special guest episode! Sorry campers, Ian Collins forgot to turn up this week (although with any luck he will be on the show in a couple of weeks. (If he remembers.)), so you’ll just have to make do with the three of us in Answer Me This! Episode 147, as per. Here we are:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
We speak this week of:
speed of sound vs. speed of light Cats vs. pigs vs. puppets
Keanu Reeves vs. Martin’s dad
steak and kidney pudding
newspapers for Christmas
blue-screening Neighbours
hare The Sheep-pig by Dick King-Smith
artichoke liqueurs
builders’ tea
allergens Countdown for foreigners St John
and
eel.
Olly depends upon Twitter to make even the most banal decisions for him; Helen explains Deal or No Deal in a nutshell; and Martin the Sound Man calms everyone down with some maths before they crap themselves in a scary thunderstorm.
Over on the AMT app, there’s the extended coverage of the balls’n’Marmite issue; and we bid farewell to our Great British Questions series with a blooper reel, which is the only way we know how to say goodbye. Which will make our funerals interesting.
There’s good news too, folks: once again we’ve teamed up with Audible.co.uk to give freeeeeee audiobooks to AMT-listeners! Those of you who signed up before, do not feel left out, for there is also a very special offer for you too: dirt-cheap Audible membership for months of audiobook joy. Click here to find out how to claim your audiofreebies!
You know what else is free? Asking us QUESTIONS. Leave a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or dispatch an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You’ll be none the poorer, and our lives will be the richer. RESULT.
by Dick King-Smith
Answer Me This! Podcast 