My daughter’s tooth fell out and is expecting a visit from the tooth fairy. When did this tradition start and what is the going rate nowadays?
Brush up on AMT229, Graeme, in which we already mulled over this topic then. However prices are rising all the time in these economically debilitated times, so readers: what IS the going rate? Head to the comments and tell Graeme, so he can arrange a PayPal transfer of the appropriate amount.
Remember Joe from Seattle from AMT244, who wrote to us asking if he was being spurned by a girl after their first date? (Turned out he was.) It appears he has a recurring problem, for we recently received the following email:
It’s Joe in Seattle, trying to get a second date again.
I recently met someone at an open mic (we’re musicians), and we ended up back at my place. In the morning she gave me a very nice kiss goodbye and her number.
I texted “This is joe’s number :-)” that morning with no response, and the next morning texted, “Hey, wanna play some music this weekend,” something that we had discussed early in the evening.
Her response was, “hey sorry cant out of town most of the weekend,” with no alternative or counter offer.
Answer me this: should I be reading something into this?
Possibly. For a more definitive prognosis, maybe wait a week then text her again, saying that you’re going to a particular gig soon and would she like to join you? Casual. No pressure. If she still acts like she’s so busy she can’t even punctuate her texts properly, and doesn’t suggest an alternative meeting, then you probably should return to prowling the open mic circuit for new prey.
Let’s examine some alternative hypotheses:
1. You texted too soon. She found it a bit much.
2. She is a woman who does not care for smileys.
3. It was just a one-night stand for her.
4. That one night ran the whole relationship gamut for her. It was perfect as it is. She doesn’t want to dilute it with follow-ups. This is why in Before Sunrise they made that stupid arrangement not to write or call after their night together. (Yes, maybe in nine years she and Joe will bump into each other in Seattle and hit it off again. (And have another sequel nine years after that.))
However, maybe there’s something amiss with your dating technique. Comb My Very Worst Date to make sure you’re not on there.
Readers, if you can add more insight, please do so in the comments. Joe needs you. He can’t be a one-date-wonder forever.
You may not feel much sympathy for tall, young, lithe questioneer James, but stick with his question because he needs your help (or the help of one of those sinister adverts in the back of magazines for mail-order penis pumps):
I am a 6’3″, 16st, muscular, fit and healthy, 25-year-old male. It would also be fair to say that I haven’t been “short changed” in the trouser department.
So… Helen and Olly, answer me this:
Why is it that after I exercise my penis resembles a small acorn?
For around an hour after I exercise, my penis decides to retreat. Most wouldn’t see this as a problem, or even noteworthy. However, it turns post-workout showers into a very shy affair, compared to pre-workout showers where I can hold my head up high.
Is there a biological reason for this? If so, please put my mind to to rest.
Biologists! Physiotherapists! Gym instructors! Penis experts! If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and offer James your opinion. Are his exercises perhaps causing his muscles to retract and withdraw his gentlemanly organs? Does he need special gym-pants? Or should he just stop worrying about the shower-gawkers? Help him: his penis self-esteem is in your hands.
Here’s a question of bats and goats from Ian:
I am from a small village outside Nottingham called Gotham. My friend says Gotham City is named after this tiny village, as the writer of Batman was obsessed by the mad men of Gotham legend, which the village is locally famous for. So answer me this, is he telling the truth?
He is telling both truth and untruth. Bill Finger, whose fingers co-created Batman, wanted to change Batman’s stamping ground from New York City to a similar but fictional location. After considering names including Civic City (tautological!) Capital City (F- for effort, Finger!) and Coast City (bor-inggggggg!!!!) he flipped through the NYC phonebook – presumably looking for listings for an ‘Emergency Pseudonym Writer’ – and chanced upon Gotham Jewelers. This pleased him and thus Bill Finger pinched the name and put it into the fourth issue of Batman, back in 1940, without so much as a yowl from the mad men of Gotham, Nottinghamshire.
However! The mad men of Gotham can give themselves big pats on their big mad backs because without them, Gotham Jewelers would have been called something else, and Batman would have found himself decking the villains of Cash 4 Gold City. Next time you’re waiting to see the dentist, flip through that copy of Salmagundi Magazine that’s been in the waiting room since 11th November 1807. Therein you’ll see Washington Irving referring to New York City as Gotham, wrily suggesting that the city shared some of the traits of the mythical idiots of Gotham. The 19th century crowd went wild for this joke, but give them a break – they had cholera epidemics to deal with at the time, and almost anything is funnier than a cholera epidemic.
So to answer your question, Ian: the writers of Batman were not obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but some local businesses were obsessed with a trend started by an author who might have been obsessed with Nottinghamshire villages, but at the very least was mildly interested in one of them. Just imagine if Washington Irving had been a fan of another Nottinghamshire village; perhaps Bunny, or Papplewick, or even Cropwell Bishop – oh, how much more gentle the Batman realm would have seemed! Not that Gotham itself is that cool either, since it derives from the Old English words ‘goat home’. Wouldn’t it have been great if The Dark Knight Rises, instead of featuring the machinations of corporate bore Miranda Tate, had centred around a malevolent goat looking to seize back its rightful leaseholds? Christopher Nolan, call me!
Since we all know from Trapped in the Closet how creative R Kelly is, it’s particularly galling that he didn’t make more of the goat association. What a missed opportunity.
It may look like we’re only showing you this email from Karen in Sydney to celebrate our own amazingness, but it should become clear from the fourth paragraph or so that the delightful compliments are rather mitigated. It also demonstrates why most Missed Connections are best left missed, because if you actually do start up that conversation with the hot stranger on the train, it all goes to shit.
Karen writes:
Every day I have a train ride to work – 1 hour 20 mins where I pass the time listening to Answer Me This and other podcasts.
Well this week while listening to the latest podcast, someone sitting beside me wanted to have a conversation about your podcast!
He proceeded to tell me how fantastic you guys are and that he is always listening to you. That’s great I say, agree with him and say that I just love the chill out time on the train listening to you guys, thinking he would get the hint I don’t want to talk to him.
He then tells me his dream is to go to England to meet you both (I say run and hide now).
He then asks me if I want to join him – I say no, I’m just listening to the podcasts.
My earphones go back in, and I sit quietly. I then get a tap on the shoulder 5 minutes later, asking to share one of my headphones so he can listen as well. I say no I would prefer not.
He then says, “Let’s talk about our favourite episodes” WTF!!! Leave me alone, freak, I say in my head.
OK so I get up and move seats saying “I’m sorry I just like to relax and am not in the mood to talk”. I move to another seat, he then gets up and walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder 15 mins later and yells at me in a full train carriage, “You are a bitch, I’m not taking you to England now to meet Helen and Olly.”
Answer me this: am I a bitch for not wanting to talk to someone I don’t know for an hour and 20 mins nor someone that I want to know?
No. It was decent of you to indicate early on that you’re not even suited to share an 80-minute journey, let alone a flight to the other side of the world (plus a few hours on London transport) and back. This releases him to find a travel-companion who is really up for the job. So if any AMT superfan WLTM same to share laughs and long-haul travel, they should hang out on the trains of New South Wales until they encounter this enthusiast.
Here’s a question of body art from Kristian from Sunderland:
My girlfriend really wants to get a tattoo. Problem is that I hate tattoos and find them extremely unattractive. We got in a fight when I told her this and she said I should be ‘more open minded’ and ‘trust her with her body’.
I still disagree. We are pretty serious as a couple and I would like to think if the scenario was the other way around and she didn’t want me getting a tattoo I wanted, I wouldn’t hesitate not to get it.
Do I have right as the boyfriend to tell her not to get a tattoo? Or do I let her graffiti her body as she pleases and then regret it in years to come?
Well Kristian, you don’t have the right to tell her what to do with her own body. But you ARE right that she might regret it. The important thing is how you frame your reservations about her plan: of course she’ll object if it’s just your personal taste being offended; but she might be more amenable if you are the voice of caution, because so many tattoos are whims that you’re then stuck with forever.
Even so, you can’t expect her never to get a tattoo. But you can recite to her the oft-repeated AMT guide to sensible tattooing:
1. When you come up with a design you want, draw it upon yourself in marker pen for at least six months before getting a permanent inking.
2. Do not get a tattoo on any part of the body that would still be visible if you were dressed as a monk.
3. If your tattoo design contains words, always check the spelling before the needle meets your flesh.
Questioneer Alex feels a lot like I did when I found out the chairman of Urban Outfitters had donated to Rick Santorum, meaning I couldn’t buy any of their nice patterned bedspreads any more. He writes:
I have a problem. I am a gay Orson Scott Card reader. For many years I devoured his books and it wasn’t a couple of years ago that I found out about his support of anti gay movements in the US.
These days I don’t buy new copies of his books, I borrow them from friends or libraries (whatever his personal beliefs, the man writes damn good science fiction).
The problem for me now is that my favorite sci-fi book of all time, Ender’s Game, is becoming a movie. I want to see it, but I’m not sure if I can buy a ticket knowing where a part of my money might be going.
So answer me this: Should I go to see the film at the cinema?
Pirating the movie seems counter-productive to me.
Why so – because you would be getting what you want, albeit illegally, without contributing to his wealth? Your strategy is rather inconsistent; I don’t want to upset you further, but authors receive royalties when their books are borrowed from libraries. To get around that, you could go to a bookshop, sit in one of the armchairs for the whole day, and read it there without buying it, but it is behaviour like that which sent Borders to the knackers’ yard (sorry Borders, it was mostly my fault. But it was silly of you to think I was ever going to buy all those copies of Interview Magazine).
But readers, what do you say Alex should do about seeing the film? Pay the money, grudgingly? Pay the money non-grudgingly, having decided to overlook Orson Scott Card’s personal beliefs? Wait for the film to come out on DVD then borrow it off a friend? Buy a ticket for a different film then sneak into the Ender’s Game screening instead? Or, avoid the film entirely, as adaptations of beloved books are so often crushingly disappointing?
I’m pretty sure he is single and I know he is gay.
The only conversation we have had outside of ordering was about the linguistics paper we had done together last year and whether we were doing any others. We hadn’t spoken during the paper.
How do I maybe get it to the point where I could ask him out and stop spending $6.90 a day on juice?
Readers, go to the comments and help Dan out, before he is bankrupted by juice. Although maybe he is hankering after this guy in the hope that, if his affections are returned, he’ll get free juice?
Anyway, I think Dan should just be direct and ask him out – if straightforwardness is a problem, perhaps he could spell out ‘Will you go out with me?’ in fruit – because if his approach is rejected, he no longer needs to keep spending the $6.90 a day on juice either.
We hope you haven’t overdosed on romance, because here’s a lovely love question from Celia in France:
So, two people I’m friends with just liked my profile picture at the same time on Facebook and it occurred to me that they would get along very nicely (and possibly make a nice little couple?). They have similar taste in films and music and stuff. They also go to universities about an hour’s drive away from each other.
However they don’t know each other at all, and seeing as I don’t live in the same country as them at the moment, I can’t invite them both out clubbing with me and see what happens when they are both drunk.
So answer me this please: do I play Cupid? And if so, how??!??!?!?!1?!?!/!/!???12!
Also to bear in mind: I haven’t spoken to either of them for at least three months and would feel a little uneasy recommencing conversation with “hey, you should go out with this guy!!!!!” On one hand there’s no harm in asking and seeing if they want to try it out but on the other hand maybe neither of them want to be set up so I don’t know. Help me please.
Readers, go to the comments to guide Celia. Should she effect some long-distance meddling? Or keep the idea in abeyance until she’s back in the country, or even for ten or fifteen years until such time as her friends are both despairing of finding partners by themselves? Or, indeed, should she sit back and let fate take the reins? After all, these two both like her Facebook picture, so they’re obviously MFEO.
We won’t be wishing birthday boy Declan many happy returns after the day he had:
It was my birthday on Monday and it was dreadful. I had to do a statistics exam in the morning, which was bad enough; but then I had to catch the bus to get home. The bus was crowded and a few people were standing. One man, who had two seats to himself, suddenly stood up and rushed off the bus. I thought this was strange but I thought nothing more of it.
I then sat down in his seat to discover that the seat was warm and damp.
Answer me this: what are your worst birthday experiences? Mine is definitely sitting in another man’s urine.
Luckily I can’t equal or top that; but readers, can you? Go to the comments and make Declan feel less alone in his puddle of piss.
Improbably, here’s a double bill of questions about Glastonbury. The first is from Cara from Somerset:
I live in Somerset and as you may or may not know, EVERYONE in Somerset goes to Glastonbury festival in the summer. I have been every year for free. This year I hope to go for free again. I have a friend whose dad has loads of friends who work at festivals so they go to loads of festivals every year for free.
This year she has said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry, I’ll get you in for free,” which is nice. But she is a bit untrustworthy, when she says she will do something, I don’t know if she will do it. Also she seems to be less and less certain, saying to me that I “have to think positive”.
So answer me this: shall I try to get a resale ticket and spend a massive 200 quid (I earn £3 an hour) or should I put faith in my friend and risk not going????
Are there no other freeloader options you can explore? Eg: contacting your friend’s dad directly; contacting whoever got you in for free in previous years; volunteering for one of the charities that operates there; working for the festival itself?
If you’ve exhausted all those options, ask yourself whether it’s really work 66.7 of your working hours (more when you calculate your net income) for a long weekend that will be not that dissimilar to all the previous Glastonburys.
If your friend doesn’t come through in the end, stage your own Glastonbury at home: don’t wash for five days, fill your shoes with mud, smoke a dried dock leaf that someone sold to you under the pretense it was weed. At bedtime, put some trance music on really loudly in the next room, then make sure that every 40 minutes someone wakes you up by shouting and falling over your bed.
Joseph from Seattle writes about the other facet of Glastonbury’s fame:
I’m reading ‘The Idylls of the King’ (pronounced “idles” over here) and Sir Percival tells that Joseph of Arimathea took the holy grail to Glastonbury after the death of Christ.
I’ve never been to Glastonbury so, answer me this: can you imagine one of the most sacred relics of the Christian mythology being in Glastonbury?
Sure – it’s probably tucked away behind one of the shops selling tie dye and Wiccan paraphernalia.
I’m such a fool. All this time I’ve been resigning burnt food to the compost heap, thus missing out on a potential eBay goldmine! Dan from Telford writes:
It’s a tortilla with ET’s face on it and the starting bid is a whopping $93,250!!!
It’s definitely the strangest thing I’ve ever seen on eBay but please answer me this, what’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen on an online auction site??
Readers, over to you. Go to the comments and tell us about your most ludicrous ‘online auction site’ findings – or even purchases. At least one of you must have bid and won on an omelette that looks like the Virgin Mary.
Incidentally, at time of writing, the ETortilla has attracted zero bids. Also the same seller is touting a CD by ‘guitarist extraordinaire’ Turbo for bids over $10,000. Maybe they don’t have a very good grasp of the use of decimal points.
Answer Me This! Podcast 