Author Archive
February 17, 2011
MISSING: 35-year-old man, answers to the name ‘Nelly’. Last seen wearing a backwards cap and a T-shirt 5 sizes too big for him. If anyone has information leading to the safe return of Nelly, please call 0800-555-RECENTWORKDIDNOTMAKEANIMPACTINTHEUKCHARTS.
Then, while you wait anxiously for news, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 167:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
It’s not just Nelly missing. Where’s Wally? Where’s Waldo? Where’s Walter? It’s an epidemic of missing men… But not missing podcast-topics, which this week include:
electoral register unfairness
fake tan lines
John Krasinski
D-locks
Martin Handford
Lake Havasu City
TK Maxx vs. TJ Maxx
Walkers Crisps vs. the American War of Independence
the kingdom of Mercia vs. the kingdom of Wessex
Roger Federer vs. William Tell
Harry Potter vs. Queen Victoria
inappropriate poetry corner
massivesnouts.com
passive-aggressive chairs
Soulwax
the wrong London Bridge
the Ponte Vecchio
and
Mark Foster (whoooooo?).
Plus: Olly touches himself up – just in Photoshop, of course; Helen enjoys her own smutty courtroom drama; and Martin the Sound Man tells you what is cool – this is. So that’s 70s revival and spindly bridges on the style list for spring/summer 2011, OK?
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhone or Android) is a question from Ken in Brooklyn about the pickelhaube, one of the few headgear-styles yet to be revived by hipsters. Give them a few more weeks.
Now rack your brains for QUESTIONS, then send them to us in voicemail form to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Then we can weave more podcasts out of them. Score!
See you next week,
Helen & Olly
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Tags:Adam Ant, adaptations, America, American football, Arizona, arrow, arse, Barack Obama, barristers, Belgians, Belgium, Bernard Butler, Boadicea, books, Boudicca, Bourne, bridges, British Empire, British legal system, California, Canary Wharf, candids, celebrities, chairs, Christopher Lloyd, cinema, court, courtrooms, crime, crotch, CSI, Cupid, dentistry, Ed Balls, Elvis, emotions, etiquette, fake tan, fame, Fergie, fiction, fictional characters, film rights, films, Florence, Florence and the Machine, foreign adaptations, friendship, furniture, garlic, genitalia, genitals, German, Germany, gods, halitosis, Hercule Poirot, history, hygiene, innuendo, JFK, John Cusack, John Krasinski, judges, juries, jury, jury duty, jury service, lawyers, Lays, legal system, London, London Bridge, love, Madonna, market research, masturbation, Michael Jackson, Millennium Bridge, morality, motherhood, movie adaptations, movies, myth, Neil Simon, Nickelodeon, office politics, OJ Simpson, oral hygiene, overstepping boundaries, pelvic floor, petty grievances, photography, Poirot, pornography, Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Rafa Nadal, rivers, Roman Empire, Romans, Ronald Reagan, sex, sexy photos, Shakespeare, sport, Suede, Superbowl, Switzerland, tanning, tennis, the Queen, theater, theatre, Universal, USA, Walkers, Wally, wanking, war paint, Where's Waldo, Where's Wally, Zurich
Posted in PODCASTS | 11 Comments »
February 17, 2011
** Click here for Episode 166 **
Seeing as it’s Valentine’s week (ie: heart-shaped boxes of Ferrero Rocher are now heavily discounted in the shops! Why are you still here??? Go, go!), let’s continue this run of romantical questions and consider the following missive from Nathan:
A while ago, my partner got a research job at Cardiff university. I decided not to leave my current job in Manchester until I had a job to go to in my specialist area – renewable energy engineering. However, it’s been six months now, and I’m getting really sick of doing the alternate-weekend thing.
So should I:
A) Leave where I am, and continue the job-search while wearing pyjamas in a front room in Cardiff?
B) Try to forget I spent all that time getting a masters degree and take a job calculating car insurance rates or something?
C) Keep job-searching in the evenings after work, and try to learn to love the sandwiches in Crewe train station?
I can’t vouch for Cardiff, car insurance rate calculation, or Crewe comestibles, so readers, I turn to you. Should Nathan move 200 miles for love, or keep the job and commute fortnightly? Go forth and decide whether the future of his relationship and career is to be A, B or C. Or even option D, if you think of one.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
February 17, 2011
** Click here for Episode 166 **
No way! Someone’s taken exception to sex advice from Olly Mann? Meredith from Framingham, Massachusetts tells him to shove his conception advice right back up into his man-womb:
I am writing because, respectfully, I thought that Olly’s advice to the lady calling in about her and her husband’s problems keeping sex sexy while trying for a baby was very off base.
When it came time for my husband and me to toss the pills and start our family, it took a couple of months to conceive and the process became very, very un-sexy. It was hard to get the end-game out of our minds. We had been programed so long to avoid pregnancy it took some doing to get over that.
What we discovered that we needed wasn’t to make the process more mechanized and route, but rather, more adventuresome and novel. Our solution: we went away together someplace romantic for a weekend, and had a very nice time in and out of the bedroom without thinking of the same old, same old things. This romantic weekend left us both reinvigorated, and while we didn’t conceive that weekend (which was not the point anyway) we did refocus our sex life on fun and removed the
stress and pressure from the situation. This enabled us to continue the sexy vibe upon returning home, and about eleven months later, our son Jackson was born.
My advice to the caller would be to take her partner someplace fun they haven’t been before for a long weekend, someplace with particularly comfortable beds and room service and to not even say the word “baby” the entire time…and see what might occur!
Egad, I officially know too much about the sex life of strangers now.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »
February 16, 2011
** Click here for Episode 166 **
Rosie from Birmingham has a problem we never had, seeing as Olly’s childhood was short on flings and mine was short on family holidays. She says:
I have a very big dilemma: in a couple of weeks my family are going on holiday with another family. In this family there is this boy, who many years ago I had a fling with. I’ve now discovered that he is a complete jerk. My boyfriend knows that I had a fling with him and knows that we are going on holiday with him. He’s worried that I may have another fling with him, and maybe get together. I absolutely cannot stand him and have tried many times to tell my boyfriend this, yet he is still worried. So answer me this: how can I prove to my boyfriend that nothing will happen with this guy when it most certainly won’t?
1. Take your boyfriend with you on holiday; or 2. chastity belt. The latter doubles as a handy place to stow your foreign currency where pickpockets won’t find it. However you may need to pack some WD40 if swimming is on the cards.
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Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »
February 10, 2011
Dear podcast-listeners,
There have been three times in his life where Olly Mann couldn’t speak French, so he let the funky music do the talking: 1) his GCSE French oral exam, which is why he received a D grade; 2) one mad, hot night at the Bruni-Sarkozy holiday bungalow; and 3) in Answer Me This! Episode 166:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
En Anglais, we talk of:
Blu-Tack sunblock
J.Lo’s nipple tweaker
the tragic end of Bobby in Home and Away
Bernard of Chartres
John Scurlock
Pyramus and Thisbe
Oasis
the Tower of London
James Bond: babyfather
the oldest underwater foot-tunnel (with some qualification)
disgruntled Beefeaters
Pretty Woman, Kate Middleton-style
bouncy bungalows
bouncy Roulette
Mike Flowers Pops
the Sea Life Centre vs. the Chunnel
sexy salad servers
Coventry
and
Teri Hatcher.
Plus: mainstream Olly prefers vaginas when a baby isn’t being shunted out of them; Helen discovers her new favourite TV channel; and Martin the Sound Man claims that when his dad said he was just “off to the glory hole”, there was a perfectly innocent explanation. Keep drinking the kool-aid, Martin!
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhone or Android, yessir) is a question from Gareth about what’s the oldest thing still in use today. My dad’s underpants. HA. (Seriously: 40+ years’ service and still going strong.)
Please keep bombarding us with your QUESTIONS, by leaving us a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or sending us an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday!
Helen & Olly
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Tags:007, 1990s, 90s, Aardman animation, £2, babies, blowies, Blu-Tack, boobs, boring equipment, bouncing, bouncy castles, bra, bras, bridges, cats, Channel Tunnel, children, children's telly, coins, conception, condoms, construction, crown jewels, crowns, currency, Europe, Eurotunnel, ex-military, fellatio, films, frames, France, French, Friends, fun, games, glass-blowing, glory holes, Halle Berry, history, homosexuality, insanity, irony, J.Lo, James Bond, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, jewellery, jewels, Kate Middleton, kids, La Manche, ladies' undergarments, lingerie, London, M&S, Midlands, military, mining, Mitterand, monarchy, money, nipples, Noel Gallagher, Oliver Cromwell, olives, Olly's cat, parties, people who like animals more than people, perversion, pets, Pretty Woman, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Diana, prisons, procreation, rabies, rates, rats, Robert Hooke, Roulette, royalty, safe sex, scuba-builders, sex, Sir Isaac Newton, soap operas, stationery, STDs, sterling, STIs, stoners, students, technology, telly, Tellytubbies, Thatcher, the Beatles, the Channel, the Queen, the ring of death, tourist attractions, Tower of London, tunnelling, TV, undergarments, underwater, underwear, unsafe sex, video, wifi, Wills'n'Kate, wood
Posted in PODCASTS | 15 Comments »
February 9, 2011
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Remember Jessii, the perforated lady from St Helens? Well hallelujah, she has succeeded in finding new bits of her body to puncture! Ours not to reason why, etc etc. She says, through swollen face:
I recently got my tongue pierced (venoms).
Well I am in a lot of pain at the moment because my tongue is swollen.
Sorry to hear that, Jessii – I am totally surprised that firing bolts through a nerve-rich chunk of muscle could have negative side effects! Really I am…
I can’t eat or talk and even swallowing is a bit of a chore.
It’s way worse than getting the one piercing in the middle.
So, answer me this:
What is the most painful thing you have ever done to yourself or had done to you willingly?
Mine will remain between me and the lady at the family planning clinic, thanks; but readers, go to the comments and reveal your self-inflicted agonies.
yes dear, it looks lovely
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
February 9, 2011
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Emma in Bristol:
A couple of years ago I walked out on my long-term partner. I decided that I was too young to be stuck in a passionless relationship. As I was the evil bitch who left, he got custody of all of our mutual friends.
Olly answer me this: if Helen finds someone better and ditches Martin, where would your loyalties lie? Would you stick with her and find a new sound man, or side with Martin and find a new sidekick?
Olly refused to answer this question, perhaps having seen too many barbs fly across the AMT studio and feeling terror and woe deep in his soul. But if it’s any comfort, Emma, in the event of an irrevocable breach Martin and I would pursue a joint custody arrangement. Even though I SAW HIM FIRST.
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Posted in extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »
February 8, 2011
** Click here for Episode 165 **
Ahoy, shipmates! Batten down the hatches for a question from Robin on the Skandi Carla in Stavanger, Norway:
I work offshore on a boat so I am away with about 30-40 people. We have people who do the cleaning and our washing who are generally great people; however the girls I work with end up doing their own washing because they don’t trust getting their pants back and at least one friend has had all her underwear stolen.
My question to you guys is: Why would men want to steal women’s underwear? Girls in underwear I do find interesting, but when girls are separated from the underwear, the undies become inanimate objects.
Now, Robin, I can only guess at what it must be like to live on a boat with only a handful of people and some walruses for company. Who knows, after enough time trapped on a boat, being both lonely and lacking in privacy, perhaps I too would seek solace in ill-gotten undies – maybe using them to dress up my imaginary friend, whose company is the only thing preventing me going a bit Triangle. Or maybe I’d be stealing them because I’d started to find the society of inanimate underwear more appealing than that of humans. Or maybe I’d just run out of clean pants.
Those are my theories, but amongst you bunch of pervs there must be someone who can explain this predeliction, so go to the comments and type up your observations with one finger.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 6 Comments »
February 3, 2011
Greetings, Team AMT!
Director David Cronenberg welcomes you to Answer Me This! Episode 165, AKA the Body Horror episode. In it, we take a close look at Prince Alberts, alkaline vaginas and the arse of Jo O’Meara from S Club 73. Cross your legs and here we go:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Come back! There’s good clean fun as well, in the shape of:
nativity plays
pyjama trousers
candyfloss
Bellowhead
whisky mac
Hardy Amies
Damian Lewis
Nuramol
Looxcie
the Polyphonic Spree
Legally Blonde the Musical
Joan Holloway/Harris
Jessica Rabbit vs. Geri Halliwell
Barack Obama vs. babies
Doug Malloy
King Herod
Stephanie Seymour & Son
security tits
Saturday Toilet
and
Benito Mussolini’s bell-end.
We realise that that list gets less clean as it goes on, but no less fun. Further fun: Olly’s Machiavellian side thrusts itself to the fore as he wishes to distort the telly-watchers of the UK into a massive army of Olly Manns; Helen nags you to eat breakfast, else you’ll be all cranky by 11am AND you’ll never conceive a girl-baby; and Martin the Sound Man would like you to know that if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. At least not until he’s finished his bag of foam shrimps.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (appless? Then hurry up and get it for your iPhone or Android device) is a little nugget of showbiz slang. Ever heard of a ‘kinell’? No? Well, you’re not showbiz, are you? Unlike this week’s app bonus footage.
Keep your QUESTIONS coming in please, in the forms of emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemails left on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype answermethis. And if you work for Ginger Crunch Creams, Crabbie’s Ginger Beer or Booja-Booja Ginger Wine Truffles and, after this episode, want to sponsor us, we’ll happily change the name of the show to ‘Ginger Me This’ in return for half a ton of those delicious gingery products every week.
Yours gingerly,
Helen & Olly
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Tags:affection, Arthurian legend, bands, black box, Black Box Recorder, body piercing, Bouncer the Dog, bouncers, cervical mucus, children, Christina Hendricks, chromosomes, clothes, clubs, conception, cookery shows, denim, Des O'Connor, fashion, fatherhood, fathers, food, gender, gender selection, genitalia, ginger hair, ginger wine, hair, illness, Inside Nature's Giants, James Martin, jeans, Joan Holloway, King Herod, kissing, ladyparts, Mad Men, Madame Tussauds, mating, Muzak, neighbours, Nigella, pants, paracetamol, parenthood, parents, penis, pharmaceuticals, photography, photos, piercings, pop music, Primark, Prince Albert, red hair, S Club, S Club 7, S Club 8, S Club Juniors, Sarah Nixey, sartorial, Saturday Kitchen, school plays, security, self-portraits, Sharon Stone, Simon Fuller, Smee, sons, sperm, Spice Girls, stupid ideas, trifle, trousers, TV viewing figures, unemployment, vagina, Victorians, volleyball, yuk
Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »
February 3, 2011
** Click here for Episode 164 **
A hairy moment now from Jessy in San Francisco:
My Swiss husband went for his first American haircut last week. He was shocked to find that the only reading material on offer, as he waited for the barber (/stylist), was pornographic mags. (He clarified that it was not merely Maxim or the like, but straight out, hard-core mags like Hustler and Playboy.)
When he asked my brother about it, the explanation was that this is typical and a reaction to the Metrosexual trends of years past. My husband’s barber in Zürich is Muslim and a great fan of all things masculine, but only ever has the daily paper for waiting customers.
Answer me this, please, is this a larger trend then in the US? (We’re here in San Francisco and my brother is in New York.)
Hmm. I’ve never seen porn in a barber’s myself, but then I’m a woman and therefore have no business in a barbershop unless I’m scouting for quartets. I also tend to cut my own hair, but have thus far never warmed myself up to the task with some jazzmags (unless an 18-month-old copy of Word Magazine counts). So readers, go to the comments and tell Jessy all about the reading matter available to you pre-coiffure, in a user-generated international survey.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
Answer Me This! Podcast 