Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

bad luck

June 2, 2011

Count your blessings, readers, as you peruse this email from beleaguered Susan from Queensland:

I’ve had a run of bad luck for the last year or so. Not loss of loved ones, but many minor incidents: car rear-ended twice in three weeks, the second a few days after the first repair; water pouring through the ceiling during torrential rain two days after moving into new house; the motor of a water pump burned out by lightning, replaced, then struck by lightning again; and lots of other stuff too tedious to list.

So answer me this: as an atheist of long standing apparently being picked on by a mischievous spirit – the only possible explanation (if you put aside the laws of chance) – how do I choose a deity to put an end to this unlucky streak? I’m willing to build a small altar, but I draw the line at any form of self-mutilation. Help.

Oh, there are other possible explanations: you were born under a bad star, you got out of the wrong side of the bed this year, karma’s a bitch and it KNOWS WHAT YOU DID… Also I’m not sure that if you become one of the Faithful, your chosen deity will agree to a one-on-one takedown of the mischievous spirit.

I do, however, feel sorry about your bad streak, so readers, go to the comments and help this unfortunate woman reverse the tide of misfortune through whichever means necessary.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

make cleaning fun

June 2, 2011

** Click here for Episode 176 **

Here’s a question from Rosie in Berlin:

I am fairly new to the podcast and have spent today listening to old episodes while I am tidying my bedroom. It is a beautiful day outside but my room is frankly a dump and my brother’s coming to stay next week. I hate tidying (hence the state of my room) and would much rather be sitting by the lake (although because this is Germany there are a lot of naked swimmer and sunbathers!).

Answer me this – how can I make tidying/cleaning fun?

Why are you asking me? My place is a hovel! There are even potatoes growing in the carpet. Instead, take guidance from the real expert (no, not Kim’n’Aggie):

Readers, if you think you know better than the Poppins, go to the comments to advise Rosie on how to achieve what I consider the impossible.

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pared-down penis party

June 1, 2011

** Click here for Episode 176 **

Here’s another lovely story of a classy soirée, courtesy of Chris from Chiswick:

I once went to a circumcision party. At the age of 16 my friend Tom had to have a circumcision because I think he didn’t wash and it got infected or something. Anyway, on return from the hospital he had invited us all to be there for his a arrival without a foreskin. After a few celebratory circumcision drinks, he then showed us his bloody stitched penis sans prepuce. I think I may have vomited.

That seems a reasonable response.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

shoe piss etiquette

May 31, 2011

** Click here for Episode 176 **

Here’s a question from Harriet from Camberley, who will be wearing wellie boots 24/7 henceforth:

I was recently in a lift at one of the underground stations when an old man stood right next to me. As there was only the two of us in the lift I was a little concerned. And concerned I should have been as he promptly urinated down his trouser leg and onto my sandals.

So answer me this: What is the correct etiquette when someone pisses on your shoes?

Alas our copy of Debrett’s does not offer guidance on this particular matter. As in all these times when the great bastion of British manners leaves us high and dry, the best reserve option of course is to crowd-source the answer from Team AMT. Readers, go to the comments and instruct Harriet on how to behave correctly if and when this situation arises again. Also we’re sure that tips for getting the smell of piss out of sandals would be greatly appreciated too.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

ghost sex party

May 31, 2011

** Click here for Episode 176 **

Judging by your feedback by last episode’s call for your stories of parties on a par with menarche parties, people all over the world are fighting for their right to party in a way that makes everyone they know feel very uncomfortable. Rachel from Fife:

I have once been to a Titanic-themed party, hosted by some neighbours who always hold a themed party to celebrate New Year. In finding this choice slightly odd and as a teenager feeling determined to not enjoy any social event also attended by my parents, I opted for jeans and an ‘I Heart NY’ t-shirt, while others donned fancy dresses and painted themselves blue.

Rachel also points out that, if you actually like the sound of this party, and you’ve got spare funds and a strong conviction in the notion that lightning doesn’t strike twice, you might want to set sail on a Titanic Memorial Cruise. Frozen DiCaprio not included.

We’d’ve steered clear of the party bags and the finger buffet at the party Dave in Cardiff went to:

The weirdest party I’ve ever been to was an ‘I’m about to get a shag” party. Allow me to explain.

When she was 16, one of my old school friends became delusional and convinced she could to talk to a ghost. She thought she’d fallen in love with the ghost and wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and even afterwards when she would become a ghost too.

But, she still wanted to have kids, and her ghost boyfriend wanted her to be happy. So they came to the arrangement that she could have a human boyfriend. However, the ghost was still jealous and made her promise not to have sex until she’d a made commitment to the ghost as her ‘main’ boyfriend. She found another nut-case who believed in the ghost. He arranged this frankly bizarre ritual, where my friend and her boyfriend had their relationship approved by the ghost at a big party. To which I was invited.

There was lots of singing and chanting, a big meal and disco, but the climax of the day was at the end when my friend and her boyfriend said goodbye to everyone and went off to have their first fuck together. To make matters worse, my friend had not just invited mates to this ‘prelude to banging’ party but also her family.

The whole thing made me very uncomfortable but even more so because everyone else seemed to think it was normal. At the end of the evening when my friend and her boyfriend left to have coitus, I had to rush outside to be sick.

To make matters worse I’ve got another three of these shag parties to go to before the end of the year.

It may seem weird now, Dave, but in a couple of decades, ghost sex parties will be so normalised as to be passé. And then maybe Ang Lee will make a film about one.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

EPISODE 176 – menarche-mallow

May 26, 2011

Hello listeners, hello!

It’s been a long holiday, but huzzah, we have returned intact. Since last we spoke, Olly has entered his thirties, and Helen and Martin entered the matrimonial institution (with each other, don’t worry!), so as you will hear, Answer Me This! Episode 176 is all mature and responsible right from the off:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Conversation-nuggets in today’s gold-pan include:

divine disapproval of Helen’n’Martin’s legalised union
Gordon Ramsey’s Cambodian eggy treat
phallic salad
the Pringles saddle
Madonna as Cruella de Vil
Pamela Anderson as cola bottle
the tragic life of Mr E
Forever Plaid
freedom of the city
aldermen
grungers vs. lumberjacks
caviar vs. frogspawn
and
Peppa Pig.

Plus! If you’re looking to pull, just take Olly out on the town with you; Helen bemoans the public interest in whether her womb is available to let on a nine-month contract; and Martin the Sound Man does not want to sound Dickensian. Spoilsport! This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) is about the only meme to involve high-end millinery (that we know of): Princess Beatrice’s fancy hat.

It may have been a while, but you still know what to do: ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. As a reward for your diligence, you can have free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible until June 5th. Lazy people who don’t bother asking us questions are allowed those too, as an incentive. Carrot not stick, right? And carrot sticks best of all. Blend a metaphor, get a crudite, as our great-grandmothers used to say.

See you next week!

Helen & Olly

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Posted in PODCASTS | 5 Comments »

revenge!

May 25, 2011

Our new series starts on 26th May.
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and click HERE to catch up on episodes of Answer Me This!

What do you do to overcome a phobia? Hypnosis? Neurolinguistic therapy? Or, like Finbar from Glasgow, do you head down to the DVD shop? He says:

I have a slight revenge scheme to get back at my friend. I have coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and my friend suggested that to get over this fear I should watch the film It. I saw the film for ten or fifteen pounds in HMV and decided to watch the trailer for it on youtube. To cut a short story shorter, it possibly made my fear even worse.

I am pretty sure my friend is an arachnophobic (fear of spiders). So answer me this: is buying him the film Eight Legged Freaks for his birthday and make him watch it with me a good revenge plan, or can you think of something better?

Seeing as you’ve already sourced it, you might as well give him that copy of Stephen King’s It. Not only is this film terrifying to those who have phobias of clowns (or drains, children, or Tim Curry), but – SPOILER! – if you make it to the end, there’s a big scary spider. Also, while he’s diverted by the film, you can fill his bedroom with tarantulas.

Think this is a bit silly? Team AMT seems to be beset by myriad phobias. Click HERE and HERE to laugh at the expense of unfortunate fellow listeners.

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the true price of partworks

May 24, 2011

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Episode 175 feels like a lifetime ago to us, but stirring in the depths of memory is something to do with partwork magazines and who the hell buys them and at what lifetime outlay etc etc…you remember, right? Well, anonymous newsagent has been in touch to confirm the financial and emotional devastation they wreak:

I work in a newsagent’s, and the tragic fact about those partwork magazines is that some people do genuinely buy all of them. One man has bought more than 120 of The Pocket Watch Collection (£7.99 fortnightly), with no sign of the end of the collection as yet. The poor old man can’t stop buying them, as he wants the whole set, and has spent about a grand on them altogether so far! Poverty befalls all who purchase, but he does have a rather large collection of watches now, if that’s any consolation.

With some, they extend the initial run half way through, so will cost way more than originally expected and run for even longer than the 80 or so expected, or just stop making them a few issues in if they’re not making enough money.

Now I have betrayed the secrets of my trade, I am prepared to be clapped in irons and slung out of the print media selling community.

Don’t worry, you still have chewing gum and jazzmags to fall back on. As it were.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, inside scoop | Leave a Comment »

Captain Hook

May 24, 2011

Our new series starts on 26th May.
Click HERE for some lovely free audiobooks
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Watch your step with this email from Sam from Preston:

ive attached a photocopy of the X-ray I had done yesterday after I managed to fall over and stand on a bag of wool and get a crochet hook rammed into my heel.

that's gotta hurt

Eurgh! All my crafting accidents have been the result of reckless scissor-handling or freehand scalpel-work; I never realised a wealth of danger lurked at the head of a crochet hook. Sam continues:

Please answer me this: what’s the stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have done that required medical treatment?

I think we’re all familiar with Olly’s not-even-doing-any-skiing skiing accident (if not, revise AMT173). Everyone else may go to the comments and tell us of their own non-fatal stupid accidents, because it’s entirely fine to exploit other people’s pain for our entertainment.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers, visuals | 7 Comments »

incredible inflatables

May 12, 2011

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Happy 30th birthday to Oliver Mann! And where there’s a birthday boy, there ought to be balloons. Happily Keith in Cardiff has supplied:

I’ve recently spent some time learning how to make balloon models.

Some of my better creations include a
dino skeleton, Santa and his reindeer, cats and a dog, as well as these others.

Essentially, though, the only real use for balloon modelling is for entertaining children at parties, which I’m pretty sure I’d loathe with a passion!

So answer me this: which skills have you learnt and become good at, but which at the end of the day are completely and utterly pointless?

Erm, ALL of them? For example, a few years ago I made a giant inflatable Boggle set. It was a real feat of engineering, but to what end? I can also touch-type pretty fast, but nobody ever asks me to.

Readers, make us feel not so alone in our uselessness: in the comments, boast of your mad skills which are at the same time magnificent and lacking in any proper purpose. Learning for learning’s sake is nothing to be ashamed of. (Unless you spent twelve years of your adult life learning to juggle matchsticks, which would prove no solace when your marriage collapses and your children refuse to speak to you.)

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Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 15 Comments »

fitties

May 10, 2011

A conundrum of fittitute now from Josh from Washington DC:

Is it better for your ex’s new boy/girlfriend to be:
Fitter than you or
Less fit than you?
If they’re fitter than you, it’s depressing because they’ve moved up in the world. If they’re less fit than you, it suggests that they have low standards, which in turn reflects badly on your own fitness.

Readers, what do you reckon?

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Posted in Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

drunk-dating

May 2, 2011

Click HERE for some lovely free audiobooks
and click HERE to catch up on episodes of Answer Me This!

All the single ladies, all the single ladies – put your hands UP woah-oh-oh if you think you might like to go on a date with Tom, who writes:

During one inebriated night, I foolishly joined a dating agency which required a fairly reasonable, though still a little hefty, 6-month subscription fee.

I am not in any sort of situation, emotionally or practically, to be in a relationship, casual or otherwise, and have to put this random act down to drunken tomfoolery.

I currently haven’t got a steady job, am pretty much broke, need to lose two stone, live with my mum and I am 35.

I do plan on sorting myself out soonish, but don’t really want another girlfriend yet and given my situation and immature tendencies don’t think that any lady in her right mind would be interested. However, I also don’t want to waste the money I have spent signing up to this stupid dating site.

So answer me this – should I lie like a (storm) trooper on my character profile to see if I can get a nibble and hopefully, by the time it comes to meet up with them, some of the lies would be true? Or should I concentrate on sorting my life out before getting back out there on the desperate dater’s scene (and make sure my credit card, laptop and whiskey are never in the same room again)?

It’s possible that a little lady-fun would give you the impetus to start sorting out your situation, Tom. But readers, what do you think? Go to the comments to sort out Tom’s live – its romantic side, of course, but also professional, domestic and pastoral. And don’t mince your words, because he needs the fillip.

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