Author Archive
June 23, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
The following person has written to us under the pseudonym “Jeremy in Stoke” (to conceal the fact he is actually a lesbian blogger in the Middle East). He has a fake name, but a real problem, you see:
Despite being a happily married man and father of two small boys, the girlfriend of a friend of mine has started cracking onto me rather a lot recently. Let’s call her Emma. She flirts with me so obviously when we are out that it has become a standing joke with some of my friends (even my wife says she finds it rather funny in a sad kind of way).
The thing is that Emma’s boyfriend, my friend Mike, seems to be totally unaware of all this. He’s a lovely chap, a little bit head in the clouds and really doesn’t seem to see anything at all dodgy in the fact that whenever he’s away she asks me to come round and ‘keep her company’ on my own etc etc etc.
Answer me this:
DO I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT?
I obviously don’t want to, because I’m a bit too English.
That’s right. You and he must never have a heart-to-heart about this, unless you want your UK citizenship to be revoked.
In fact, I’d hesitate to talk to him about it whichever nationality you are. He evidently trusts you and your upstanding Englishness completely, to see nothing but innocence in her hussyish come-ons; and so far you’ve done nothing to break that trust. Perhaps he is even aware of her vixenish ways, but has chosen not to act, rather than embarrassing you, himself and his errant ladyfriend. If you wade in, it could cause a fissure of awkwardness in your friendship and a dent to the dignity on at least one of your sides.
However, you could have a short stern word with Emma asking her to knock it off; or, better yet, your wife could stage a catfight with her in the middle of the street. After some publicly humiliating hair-pulling, tit-punching and screams of “Step off, bitch!”, her ardour might be dampened. Tell your wife to get acrylic nail extensions beforehand.
Readers, agree or disagree with me? I don’t mind which, but I do urge you to go to the comments to advise Jeremy upon apt procedure.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
June 22, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
Look, we’re no strangers to shitunusual museums – we drove many miles out of our way to go to the Cumberland Pencil Museum, no less – but Dina from London really is boldly going where nobody else bothers to go unless they’re on a school trip:
Given your clear interest in paperweights last episode, I highly recommend you visit the Paperweight Centre in Yelverton, Devon.
I went there with my boyfriend and we had an awesome time hearing all about the history of the humble paperweight. I even bought one which wasn’t listed in the glassmaker’s catalogue! A one off orange specimen which now resides on my desk in Holborn much at the mockery of my colleagues.
I have never actually used it to weigh down my papers as there is rarely a breeze in my climate-controlled office, however I occasionally play with it when thinking or stare into it when bored. It really is quite mesmerising. I can also confirm that it would be a good weapon in case of attack but as I don’t carry it around in my handbag, and I do not expect to get attacked at my desk, I doubt it’ll ever be used in self defence.
I have now developed a genuine interest in niche museums. The Paperweight Centre is linked with Barometer World, so I look forward to going there next.
Here is a photo of me at the joyous place in question:
Readers. Have you been to a shittermore obscure museum than that? Tell us about it in the comments, so that we – and Dina – can plan our next holidays around it. NB Martin and I visited this one on honeymoon (because nothing says romance better than a nutcracker shaped like Adolf Hitler), so do aim high.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
June 20, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
Here’s a question from Chris from Sunderland:
Someone told me they committed a prank in which they, amoung a large group of co-prankers, picked up this guy’s car, and hid it in his garage. When the guy then reported the car as being stolen, the police searched around the area, and discovered the car in the garage. They then thought he was playing a prank on them.
So answer me this: have you commited any japes, pranks, or serious shenanigans that have been a little over the score?
I’d put money on you readers having done so, so while I’m down at the bookie’s, tell everyone about your mischief in the comments. Meanwhile, Harry from Fleet is cooking up his own prank:
I was thinking up some good old-fashioned revenge ideas when I sprung upon the idea of urinating onto my father’s cake. This got me thinking whether you could make icing from wee.
Later on still, thinking along the same lines, I wondered if there could be any more practical uses for the stuff? With the increasing prices of water, perhaps could it not act as nature’s 2 for 1 deal on water?
I’m sure there are lots of wonderful uses for human urine, Harry, but I’m more interested to find out what it is your father has done to you to warrant being served up a lovely slice of piss-soaked cake. And whether all of his five senses are really bad enough for him not to notice your extra ingredient.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
June 16, 2011
Over the years, one question has kept us awake at night (other than, “Did I remember to turn the oven off?” and “How can the next-door neighbours like listening to Duffy this much?”): where do all the spurned Build-A-Bear bears go? Do they end up in a bear workhouse, or are they turned out onto the streets to survive by turning tricks and picking pockets?
Thankfully, no. After Answer Me This! Episode 179 we will, at last, be able to sleep the deep sleep borne out of the relief that the poor orphant bears do find a good home:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In today’s episode we also consider:
Co-op Funerals
doll hospitals
the mystery of Glenn Miller
McCain’s Pizza Rollers
office toys
cycle helmets
the most striking aspect of Jordan’n’Dane Bowers’ sex tape
reality TV vs. reality
Dame Bruce Forsyth
Chris Cooley’s cock (NSFW!)
Ruth Badger
the Black Eyed Peas’ next hit (shudder)
20p
Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee
symbolism in ET
and
toff prison.
Plus: Olly sees right through posh Findus Crispy Pancakes to the publicity stunt beneath; Helen surmises why seminal movie scenes such as this are not set in Business Studies lessons; and Martin the Sound Man pipes up in favour of hot goo. Yes, he does.
Please join us next week for episode 180, in which we will do a full 180 on everything we’ve ever said so far, apart from one thing which will remain forever true: we want you to send us your QUESTIONS, by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or sending emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Gimme gimme gimme.
Helen & Olly
Tags:90210, Alan Sugar, Amstrad, Anthony Weiner, Balmoral, bears, Black Eyed Peas, boring, Britney, Bruce Forsyth, Brucie, Buffy, Build a Bear, business, cake, casting, cats, celebrity genitals, celebrity sex tapes, Cherie Blair, Chris Brown, classroom, Co-op, cock shots, collectibles, consumer rights, contraceptives, Cormac McCarthy, crime, criminals, Dane Bowers, darts, Dawson's Creek, desks, diaphragm, dissection, Dutch Cap, embarrassment, ET, Fergie, Fergie (not Fergie out of the Black Eyed Pes, film, Findus Crispy Pancakes, food, freebies, frozen food, Gaydar, gender divide, genitalia, Glee, Google, Gwyneth Paltrow, honours, honours list, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, idiots, internet shopping, Jive Bunny, jobs, Jordan, judges, Kanye West, Katie Price, life imprisonment, Lindsay Lohan, Megan Fox, Michael Barrymore, monarchy, movie cliches, movies, MPs' expenses, music, naked photos, Newton's Cradle, nudity, ornaments, paint, palace, paper, paperweights, parents, penis, perks, perks of the job, pin image, prawn, prison, provocative behaviour, reality tv, retail, retro food, royals, Ruth Badger, Sarah Ferguson, Second World War, sex tapes, sexting, shame, shopping, Stacy Ferguson, Strictly Come Dancing, symbolism, telly, Tesco, the apprentice, the famous English reserve, the other one), the Queen, The Road, toe sex, toys, tv trickery, Twilight, upskirt, Will.I.Am, women vs men, World War Two, WWII
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »
June 15, 2011
** Click here for Episode 178 **
We received several emails this week regarding perks from your own or your parents’ jobs, but there was only one that made one Olly Mann shit himself with envy. It was this one from Laurence from Henley-on-Thames:
My parents both used to work for Disney. Because of this, mine and my sisters’ childhoods have been FILLED with masses of Disney paraphernalia – we had every single film on video and DVD, enormous cuddly toys of various characters, and even some original hand-drawn slides from various animated movies as seen in the films themselves, including The Lion King, Winnie the Pooh and Fantasia!
And finally, we used to have free access to all the Disney theme parks…
At this point we had to stop reading, as Olly’s apoplexy was reaching dangerous levels. Thankfully Dan from Coventry brought him back round with a dose of schadenfreude smelling salts:
I work at a go kart track. I can go on and race, but I choose not to because it’s so boring. I prefer sitting and watching people crash.
Of course.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »
June 14, 2011
** Click here for Episode 178 **
Independent studies show* that AMT-listeners are of above average physical beauty. So it’s no surprise that Stephen here is trying to trade on his looks:
I entered this silly modelling competition and, against the odds, it seems to be going pretty well. BUT, I need more votes and wondered if you wonderful people would be able to help me out a little bit. As a loooooong time listener I believe the old listener-podcaster privilege should surely have kicked in by now, you know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine kind of thing? And don’t worry when I’m strutting down the catwalks and being interviewed in Vogue, I’ll make sure I mention you and get you some extra column inches.
That’s the only way we’ll ever get in Vogue (unless they need some ‘Before’ pictures for the lipsuction adverts near the back), so readers, click here to vote for Stephen. He’ll need a lot of your clicks to topple the current no.1 seed Roland, though.
*No such studies have actually been carried out.
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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »
June 14, 2011
** Click here for Episode 178 **
You know what we’ve always thought was missing from the confectionery market? Pharmaceuticals! Not really, but that’s because we’re not Sam from Manchester, the Willy Wonka of over-the-counter drugs:
When I was at university, I had too many essays to do in not enough time, so I came up with a new invention – chocolate-covered Pro Plus. It was perfect: an initial hit of chocolate followed by the long lasting effect of Pro Plus. It was so good I thought they should make it!
So answer me this: have you ever had an idea that you think should be taken into production? Obviously other than a national radio station taking up the show and paying you lots of money!
While I recover from the coughing fit brought on by the idea that radio pays lots of money, you readers must go forth to the comments and tell us about your own ideas of gaps in the market. Let’s get some of them into production, people! Ibuprofen jelly, how about it?
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
June 9, 2011
Good day to you, dear listeners,
In Answer Me This! Episode 178, we finally discover the point of marriage. It’s not for the love, or for religion, or for the kids. It’s not even for the presents or the party. So what the flap is it for?
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Therein we mention:
the universal train ticket
Eliphas Levi
Buzz Aldrin’s pants
Helen’s slutty mum
the goat of lust
the shittest ride at Thorpe Park
pentagrams
Tetley Tea
McPizzas
Helen and Martin’s divorce settlement
and
the price of nuts.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t want to be the centre of attention on The Happiest Day of His Life (because that would make it too similar to all the other days of his life); Helen operates an equal opportunities policy for animals – she’s happy to cook and eat the ugly ones AND the pretty ones; and Martin the Sound Man tells you how to trap an evil spirit. All you need is a pair of compasses, a ruler and some chalk.
In this week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android), a question from horticulturist Stephen makes us go all Gardener’s Question Time. It must be the smell of manure on the rosebeds that makes Olly hallucinate about a time when we’re wealthy and successful, because if you want your own country pile with 100 acres, don’t ever go into podcasting. EVER.
We do love to hear from you, so please get on the phone (0208 123 5877), the Skype (look for answermethis) or the email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and ask us your QUESTIONS. If AMT were a sausage, your questions would be the minced pigbits, we would be the rusk and additives. And I think we’ve all just learnt why analogies involving sausages are not a good idea.
Love,
Helen & Olly
Tags:America, big business, blue, Bob Dylan, bonus, branding, Britain, Buzz Aldrin, cashew nuts, CDs, cheval, Chris Martin, colours, common-law marriage, communism, Conservatives, conspiracy theories, Democrats, devil worship, e-coli, fake weddings, family, family photos, food, food preservation, France, French, George W Bush, girl trouble, goats, Green Day, hair transplants, health food, Heston Blumenthal, horsemeat, India, Jamie Oliver, job perks, jobs, la cuisine de France, Labour Party, Letchworth, Liberal Democrats, love, malapropisms, marriage, mathematical perfection, mathematics, May-December relationships, McDonald's, meat, minge, moon, moon landings, Mrs Robinson, mums, Nasa, Neil Gaiman, non-spousal rights, nuts, Oldboy 2, older women, P!nk, party politics, peanuts, pentangle, photos, pink, pizza, politics, Pythagoras, railways, red, relationships, Republicans, rollercoasters, romance, salt, Satanism, satellite imagery, satellites, Scotland, snacks, space, space exploration, symbols, TATA, tea, teenage, theme parks, Thorpe Park, Tories, trains, Union Jack, vagina, vaginismus, war, Wayne Rooney, weddings, yellow
Posted in PODCASTS | 5 Comments »
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