Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

the true price of partworks

May 24, 2011

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Episode 175 feels like a lifetime ago to us, but stirring in the depths of memory is something to do with partwork magazines and who the hell buys them and at what lifetime outlay etc etc…you remember, right? Well, anonymous newsagent has been in touch to confirm the financial and emotional devastation they wreak:

I work in a newsagent’s, and the tragic fact about those partwork magazines is that some people do genuinely buy all of them. One man has bought more than 120 of The Pocket Watch Collection (£7.99 fortnightly), with no sign of the end of the collection as yet. The poor old man can’t stop buying them, as he wants the whole set, and has spent about a grand on them altogether so far! Poverty befalls all who purchase, but he does have a rather large collection of watches now, if that’s any consolation.

With some, they extend the initial run half way through, so will cost way more than originally expected and run for even longer than the 80 or so expected, or just stop making them a few issues in if they’re not making enough money.

Now I have betrayed the secrets of my trade, I am prepared to be clapped in irons and slung out of the print media selling community.

Don’t worry, you still have chewing gum and jazzmags to fall back on. As it were.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, inside scoop | Leave a Comment »

Captain Hook

May 24, 2011

Our new series starts on 26th May.
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Watch your step with this email from Sam from Preston:

ive attached a photocopy of the X-ray I had done yesterday after I managed to fall over and stand on a bag of wool and get a crochet hook rammed into my heel.

that's gotta hurt

Eurgh! All my crafting accidents have been the result of reckless scissor-handling or freehand scalpel-work; I never realised a wealth of danger lurked at the head of a crochet hook. Sam continues:

Please answer me this: what’s the stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have done that required medical treatment?

I think we’re all familiar with Olly’s not-even-doing-any-skiing skiing accident (if not, revise AMT173). Everyone else may go to the comments and tell us of their own non-fatal stupid accidents, because it’s entirely fine to exploit other people’s pain for our entertainment.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers, visuals | 7 Comments »

incredible inflatables

May 12, 2011

Our NEW SERIES starts on 26th May.
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Happy 30th birthday to Oliver Mann! And where there’s a birthday boy, there ought to be balloons. Happily Keith in Cardiff has supplied:

I’ve recently spent some time learning how to make balloon models.

Some of my better creations include a
dino skeleton, Santa and his reindeer, cats and a dog, as well as these others.

Essentially, though, the only real use for balloon modelling is for entertaining children at parties, which I’m pretty sure I’d loathe with a passion!

So answer me this: which skills have you learnt and become good at, but which at the end of the day are completely and utterly pointless?

Erm, ALL of them? For example, a few years ago I made a giant inflatable Boggle set. It was a real feat of engineering, but to what end? I can also touch-type pretty fast, but nobody ever asks me to.

Readers, make us feel not so alone in our uselessness: in the comments, boast of your mad skills which are at the same time magnificent and lacking in any proper purpose. Learning for learning’s sake is nothing to be ashamed of. (Unless you spent twelve years of your adult life learning to juggle matchsticks, which would prove no solace when your marriage collapses and your children refuse to speak to you.)

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Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 15 Comments »

fitties

May 10, 2011

A conundrum of fittitute now from Josh from Washington DC:

Is it better for your ex’s new boy/girlfriend to be:
Fitter than you or
Less fit than you?
If they’re fitter than you, it’s depressing because they’ve moved up in the world. If they’re less fit than you, it suggests that they have low standards, which in turn reflects badly on your own fitness.

Readers, what do you reckon?

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Posted in Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

drunk-dating

May 2, 2011

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All the single ladies, all the single ladies – put your hands UP woah-oh-oh if you think you might like to go on a date with Tom, who writes:

During one inebriated night, I foolishly joined a dating agency which required a fairly reasonable, though still a little hefty, 6-month subscription fee.

I am not in any sort of situation, emotionally or practically, to be in a relationship, casual or otherwise, and have to put this random act down to drunken tomfoolery.

I currently haven’t got a steady job, am pretty much broke, need to lose two stone, live with my mum and I am 35.

I do plan on sorting myself out soonish, but don’t really want another girlfriend yet and given my situation and immature tendencies don’t think that any lady in her right mind would be interested. However, I also don’t want to waste the money I have spent signing up to this stupid dating site.

So answer me this – should I lie like a (storm) trooper on my character profile to see if I can get a nibble and hopefully, by the time it comes to meet up with them, some of the lies would be true? Or should I concentrate on sorting my life out before getting back out there on the desperate dater’s scene (and make sure my credit card, laptop and whiskey are never in the same room again)?

It’s possible that a little lady-fun would give you the impetus to start sorting out your situation, Tom. But readers, what do you think? Go to the comments to sort out Tom’s live – its romantic side, of course, but also professional, domestic and pastoral. And don’t mince your words, because he needs the fillip.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

fork off

April 28, 2011

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Here’s an unusual question from Ben from Geelong:

How do I stop my son from saying “fork”?

I don’t want to slow his development. He is 18 months old and this is one of his first words,and when he says it, it sounds like “FUCK”. And he says it A LOT!!!!! In shopping centres, down the street, in the park…………..I’m getting strange and disapproving looks. Any ideas?

Aside from stuffing a sock into his mouth to silence him (but not curb the disapproving looks from passers-by)? No! I have no idea how to make a child do anything. Their dominion mystifies and intimidates me in equal measure.

If you are less pathetic than I in the field of child discipline and language-cleaning, please go to the comments and help Ben silence that little non-pottymouth.

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Posted in User-generated answers | 7 Comments »

[wedding] ring road

April 25, 2011

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We’ve got weddings on the brain this week, so let’s have a look at this question from Mark from St Neots:

On the anti-clockwise M25 just before you get to the M1 (Junction 21) there is a bridge where someone has painted onto it:

“Louise. I love you. Marry me. Bob”

Did Louise say yes, and is this a romantic way to propose or not?

ATTENTION TEAM AMT! Answer us these*:
Is one of you Louise?
Is Bob among your number?
Or do you know Bob and/or Louise?
If the answer to any of the above questions is ‘yes’, tell us: are Louise’n’Bob married? To each other? Happily? Or has Louise never forgiven him for proposing on a slab of concrete?
And do graffiti and the M25 say romance?

*because we’re on holiday, so it’s your turn.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

A family affair

April 20, 2011

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Josh from Yorkshire seems to have found himself in an early Neil LaBute film, or one of those Shakespeare plays without any of the unfunny comedy scenes in it. (more…)

Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

Parkour classes, and perv prevention

April 18, 2011

Remember AMT175? Nor do we! But fortunately Nick from Tadley does:

Helen questioned how you would start learning parkour. Olly suggested starting on small walls or some other thing, which is partly true. However, recently, there are actual sessions in gyms which dedicate themselves to this. How else would people learn how to kick the moon or corkscrew? Also, it’s great fun just chucking yourself from a high platform into a foam pit and landing like some kind of ninja!

Excellent! If Olly ever feels like dislocating his other shoulder, we’ll sign him up.

Our most recent podcast also provoked Cat from London to write in:

You asked whether you should tell someone if their fly was undone. I was on the tube once, getting off at Kings Cross, and for ages I agonised over this question: to my side I could see right into a lady’s top (not that I wanted to, I am a straight female).

When I finally decided that she probably would appreciate the sisterhood of telling her about it, I said, “Excuse me, your…” only to realise her earphones were in and I had to repeat myself (without embarrassing her in front of the man near us).

So I just gestured to my own bust area with a panicked look on my face, and pointed at her button. Luckily she smiled and laughed in embarrassment and did it up, and that was that. Job well done.

A crisis averted – with mime! If only they were all so easily solved.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »

podcasts we like

April 18, 2011

••• CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON EPISODES OF AMT•••

A common entry in our mailbox is:

“Answer me this: which other podcasts do you listen to?”

Below is a semi-frequently updated alphabetical list of shows we like; do add your own favourites in the comments, too.

99% Invisible
Adam and Joe
BAFTA
Betty in the Sky With a Suitcase
Bright Club
The Bugle
Bullseye
The Business
The Daily Bacon
Desert Island Discs
The Digested Read
The Dinner Party
The Empire Podcast
The Food Programme
Geoff Lloyd’s Hometime Show
Getting Better Acquainted
Great Lives
Here’s the Thing with Alec Baldwin
Hidden Kitchens
Ian Collins Wants a Word
I Like You
Jordan, Jesse, Go!
Little Atoms
Love + Radio
Making History
Mark Kermode & Simon Mayo’s Film Reviews
Media Talk
The Media Show
The Moth
New Yorker Out Loud
On The Media
Picturehouse
Radiolab
Radio Talk
Savage Love
Shift Run Stop
Strangers
Third Coast International Audio Festival
This American Life
Witness
WTF with Mark Maron

Also, you can hear us talking about the internet every week on BBC 5 Live’s Let’s Talk About Tech podcast; Helen hosts the monthly Sound Women podcast; and don’t forget, Martin the Sound Man moonlights on several other podcasts, including The Sound of the Ladies, Brain Train and The Global Lab.

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Posted in extracurricular activities, frippery | 23 Comments »

EPISODE 175 – Urine-Off

April 14, 2011

SPRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG BREEEEAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right – the time has come for us to shout ‘Wooooo!’, whip our tops off, and throw up all over a beach resort in Mexico while Joe Francis captures our shame on video. Answer Me This! is off on its hols for a few weeks, but before we go, here’s Episode 175:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which we speak of:

Trebor gum
wedding-wear double standards
Birthday Girl
vats of KY
partworks
grab bags
parkour vs. flashmobs
Spiderman vs. white-collar crime
Hugh Grant vs. Ben Chaplin
Russian mail-order brides vs. Thai mail-order brides
Vernon Kay’s mum vs. Davina McCall’s mum
the Queen Sister-in-Law
the annual Test Card convention
Party Pieces
and
Simon Cowell’s fully-functioning penis.

Furthermore! Olly is like a smack-head, but for Percy Pigs; Helen shuns a potential money-making scheme; and Martin the Sound Man provides the key to safe toaster cookery. This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (a worthy addition to your iPhone or Android) is the true question of Lil Wayne: what possessed him to go for this?

We hope you don’t forget us while we’re away; please keep sending us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Plus, don’t hesitate to sign up for your free and half-price audiobooks at answermethispodcast.com/audible – you get a bargain, we get paid, everyone’s happy!

There will be bits and pieces popping up on this site during the break, but we’ll see you back here bright and early on 26th May for AMT176. Until then, behave yourselves.

Helen & Olly