Helen Zaltzman

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EPISODE 110 – too harmless to be sprayed on your enemy’s face

September 24, 2009

Hello, fellow lardbuckets,

Do you want to cut your calorie intake without having to reduce the amount of tasty and satisfying food you force down your gullet? This amazing new diet has nothing to do with acai berries, meal substitute shakes or laxatives. How? Find out all about Oliver Mann’s ‘Pacifies as it Satisfies’ regime for FREE by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 110:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Don’t worry; if you already possess an untubby belly and bony thighs, there’s still stuff in this podcast for you. For instance:

Pimp My Ride
meteorological gender inequality
Cernunnos
Your Five Gallants by Thomas Middleton
puffa jackets
morning glory
The Magician’s Nephew
Rice Krispie cuboids
and
Hurricane Martin.

Furthermore, Olly is a silver-tongued devil for felines; Helen invents the worst party theme ever; and Martin the Sound Man says ‘lady’s vagina’ completely unnecessarily. You’re surprised, I can tell.

As ever, please indulge us with your QUESTIONS, which you can put to us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Also, you can give everyone a treat by sharing your outstanding stag or hen party horror stories, because you know how we love to live vicariously and hate to get our own feet covered in sick. Stick them in a comment on this post, and maybe in a few years’ time someone will make them into a hilarious and squirm-inducing film.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:cars, cats, diet, etymology, feminists, humiliation, morality, parties, pets, piss, prostitution, school, superstition, teachers, tubbitude, weather, witches
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

The UK: funny old place

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

British readers, observe your homeland as reflected through the prism of foreign eyes, in this case belonging to Amber from Kansas:

I’m sure everything you know about Kansas comes from T.V., in that it is very brown here, very flat, and sometimes young women are swept away by twisters. Unfortunately, all of this is true.

In turn, everything I know about Britain comes from BBC America, in that you guys like to have wacky races with vehicles, young people hook up in the most lewd and sexy ways, you have giant naked men carved into the side of random hills, and sometimes: Daleks. They happen.

So answer me this you guys: is Britain as marvelous and exciting as T.V. is telling me, or BBCA feeding me a line of, as the Brits say, “rubbish?”

Amber, it’s all true, although I must admit it’s less exciting when you get to see all those things every day. But here’s an idea: Brits, comment below with facts about Blighty that sound like they are bullshit, but are actually true. Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll start: Amber, guess what – one of the nation’s most famous sailors now lives on top of a massive stick in the middle of a busy London square, surrounded by lions and pigeons. Crazy but true!

Now it’s your turn, false fibbers!

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 31 Comments »

Canal boats – THE TRUTH!!!!

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

Following Nick’s detraction of canal boaters in Episode 108, we received the following lively defence from Ian:

As I live on a narrowboat, I felt Nick presented a less than fair picture of the realities of life afloat. It is a jolly and cheap way of living, particularly in the middle of London, and is very good for parties in the summer, and cosy nights by the fire in the winter. I’ve been on my present boat for four years.

The speed limit (sorry to be a boring cunt) is there to prevent damage to the reed beds on the banks, and also boats can be shifted off their moorings if they bounce about on the water (most boats are only held in place by pegs driven into the ground).

Thanks Ian! Although what has a reed bed ever done for you in return, eh? Selfish reedy bastards!

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 109 – women are mammals

September 17, 2009

Good morning, congregation,

It’s Thursday yet again, which means there’s a fresh episode of Answer Me This!. We say fresh. It’s Episode 109, so freshness is but a distant memory to these podcasters. Eh well, better an oak tree than an ingenue, as my mother has never said to my knowledge…

So what’s in store for you today?

The secret of eggshells
Ganesh
Space Raiders
Elizabeth Taylor
Michael Alig
Richard Marx
tinned peach aristocracy
lapdancers vs. raw pizza
Hilary Duff vs. Hilary Swank.
party dogs
party dwarves
Andy Crane
and
the correlation between Noel’s House Party and Rude Facials.

Furthermore, Olly compares Isadora Duncan to an iBook; Helen proves to be no great shakes at adage-making; and Martin the Sound Man sniffs out Joan Rivers. Not in any sort of improper way, we hasten to add.

Next week, Episode 110 will blossom forth, so get your QUESTIONS in: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Also, place your bids for names for a potential Answer Me This! perfume range in the COMMENTS below! (Don’t worry, it will never happen. Unless we hear that Keith and the Girl or Ira Glass will be the first podcaster to bring out a fragrance and our competitive streaks overpower us and sign a three-stink deal with Coty.)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:books, celebrities, cookery, eggs, god, linguistics, parties, perfume, sartoria, students, theology
Posted in PODCASTS | 9 Comments »

Frequently asked question

September 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

We’ve been in this question-answering business for quite a while now, and naturally a handful of questions come up a lot. Some of them are here. But we’ve been receiving the following one an awful lot lately, in various forms , and it’s high time to deal with it.

We know all of you who have this problem are probably suffering from it in a highly individualistic fashion, but this is approximately how it goes in each of its permutations:

I like a girl/boy in my class.
We spend all our time together.
I am 14.
Should I ask her/him out?

Now children, you know we love you. So forgive us if we seem brusque, but YES. DO IT. FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO IT! Partly because acute as the pain of rejection is, that of not knowing can last a lot bloody longer. And partly because getting this question 100 times a week is making us feel ancient and withered inside. Half our lives have passed since we felt the singular, fresh pangs of unrequited teen ardour. Or, in fact, anything. Pass the gin.

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Tags:romance, teenagers in love
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES THAT ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE

September 16, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

After last week’s mild stomach-churners, Daz from Cleethorpes has sent in an email and photos to further tax our gag reflexes. Do not scroll down if you don’t want to lose your lunch, OK? We’ve warned you. Here goes:

Last year my uncle, who lives round the corner from me in Cleethorpes, was bitten on the foot by a spider which was promptly squished flat. Bob’s foot (yes, Bob’s my uncle!) promptly swelled up, causing him to go to his GP.

The doctor didn’t believe poor Bob and told him that UK-based spiders don’t bite and are non-venomous, and prescribed Bob a course of antibiotics. Two weeks and much pain later my uncle’s leg looked like this:

WARNING! Not for the squeamish!

Click on this thumbnail to enlarge. Only, don't.

seriously, don't

Honestly, are you sick or something?

Excuse us a second while we pick our stomachs up off the floor. Ahem. Daz continues:

Helen and Olly answer me this:

Are there any British spiders capable of inflicting such injuries?

And, did Uncle Bob’s doctor know his arse from his elbow? I feel this would be a prerequisite of a medical practitioner!

P.S Uncle bob was out of hospital after about a month and his leg now looks like a massive port-wine stain.

Sorry, Daz – we can’t answer your question because we’re too busy hoovering every nook and cranny in the house, piling conkers in every corner, and constructing an arachnid-proof pod in which to sleep. But well done for sending in a question that manages to combine several different common nightmares in one: spiders, near-death experiences, and mummies’ legs.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 7 Comments »

Three-way at the altar?

September 16, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

So what have you kids got to say about last week’s episode?

Doug from Winnipeg, Canada writes:

I was interested to hear why seven years’ bad luck is thought to be the penalty for breaking a mirror. As the father of a family of Harry Potter fans I immediately thought that the Roman idea of seven-part broken souls must have been an inspiration to Ms. Rowling. I suspect that legal representatives for ancient Rome will be contacting her shortly requesting prompt payment of their share of book royalties.

Holy shit, Doug, are you suggesting that not all the ideas in the Pottery are entirely original? Call up Bloomsbury Books and give ’em hell! Then call up the Roman Empire and tell them they might be on schedule for a comeback.

On a completely unrelated note, Dave asks us this:

After listening to episode 108 I too have a best man-related question. Please help.

The man I want to ask, my best friend, has also in the past had a sexual interaction with my partner. Now my partner thinks this is a little weird. What should I do?

Your lady should hardly be surprised, Dave, that best friends have something in common. But that something would more conventionally be a mutual love of Aston Villa or watercolour landscapes, not her in a state of Rudeness. Perhaps she fears improper thoughts will assault her as the three of you stand in front of the altar, and leave her the wrong sort of blushing bride. Perhaps she fears the secrets that might spill forth during his best man speech. Perhaps she knows more about him than you do and simply doesn’t want a total sexual deviant to be your best man.

Whatever the reason, we are fairly sure of two things: 1. you really don’t want to find out more about it; 2. you don’t want to be forced to choose between your best friend and your wife elect. But listeners, what do you think?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

EPISODE 108 – improvised foreskin

September 10, 2009

Good morning, fellows,

Answer Me This! Episode 108 is one for the record-books! Why? Is it the world’s fastest-ever podcast? No. Is it the world’s fattest-ever podcast? Possibly… Oh, shut up. Actually, the superlative achievement we refer to is this: in today’s episode, we read out our longest-ever question. Yes! You excited? Tarry no longer:

As well as the behemoth question, we talk about:

Lady Sovereign
the Romans
cuttlefish
head ushers
pierced kidneys
Coinstar machines
sex in tents
Sinitta
Brian Wilson
Mr Bean
and
groats.

Furthermore, Olly displays a surprisingly delicate sensibility towards the bare-chested ladies of Page 3; Helen blames a broken mirror for her sub-par exam results, rather than the fact that she was too lazy to do any revision; and Martin the Sound Man will soon be auditioning for a new Best Man – mint-condition applicants ONLY, please; he’s not taking anyone else’s cast-offs.

This episode also comes with illustrations! Like Storyteller magazine – ‘ting!’ when you turn the page, etc etc – only in this case, your cue is when you hear us talking about grisly piercings, at which point you may want to view these pictures (SFW, don’t worry).

If you have any unusual body-art you feel compelled to share with us – or, preferably, you have some QUESTIONS for us, please get in touch: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Plus if you’re a cheapskate with a bit of advice for William from Larne’s student budget, please leave it in a comment below (don’t worry, it’s totally free).

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:adornments, air travel, camping, dilemmas, etymology, festivals, friendship, hygiene, manners, money, penises, pets, piercings, public indecency, romance, sex, sleeping, Stanmore, superstition, swimming, weddings
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Piercings illustrated

September 10, 2009

Here are the pictures which accompany Jessii’s tale of two piercings in Episode 108.

Exhibit A: the aftermath of the arm piercing

Obviously not a particularly desirable bodily adornment, but much less grisly than we were expecting; it looks like a pair of coldy nostrils.

Exhibit B: pierced hips

Riveting!

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Posted in visuals | 19 Comments »

uber question!

September 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 107 **

We’ve had a plea for help from Alex:

One of my friends is the type of person who argues for the sake of it. He has the ability to reduce people to tears with his ignorance and petulance when arguing or even generally conversating with him.

For example – I asked him what the name of the tiny spaces in between the teeth on a comb are? I said there isn’t a name for it, it’s just one of them things. He wouldn’t let it lie, hunting me down at work, in the pub, via email and text message to give me his interpretation of said question.

I can’t take it anymore, that’s why I’m coming to you for help…

Please can you furnish me one question that will stump him and finally let me win one argument?

Listeners, this is definitely one for you. Unleash your inner pedant, gather your strength and please add your unanswerable questions to the comments below.

PS. Although, “Why are we all here?” has yet to be solved, so Alex might do well to try that first.

PPS. According to Wikipedia and other web reference sources that are probably all quoting the same original pile of Inaccurate, the gaps between the teeth of a comb are called ‘combdrums’. Now can you two stop fighting and get on with bickering over something more useful?

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Tags:pedantry
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

ringpull news

September 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 107 **

It seems George from Redcar‘s ringpull collection has captured your imaginations as well as ours – or at least that of Terry from Shropshire, who emailed us to say:

After George from Redcar’s ringpull collection in episode 106 I thought you may find this article interesting. George has enough for 10 handbags and can raise awareness about sexual health in the third world with his collection – which is rather ironic I feel for someone who collects ringpulls (sorry George).

Careful, Terry – George is just doing this for a hobby; he doesn’t want to be putting homeless Brazilians out of business. OR DOES HE? There must be some reason for the collection, and that seems no less plausible than any other we can think of.

By the way – do any of the rest of you have a similarly barmy-but-impressive collection? If so, please tell us what it is in a comment below; we promise not to mock. (Unless you are a 40-year-old man with a room full of Hello Kitty emery boards, in which case we retract that promise.)

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 107 – as American as fish-bits from China

September 3, 2009

It’s a car-centric episode this week, as Helen tries out some technical car words, we find out what cowboys have to do with the front passenger seat, and Martin the Sound Man stands up for the innocent victims of doggers. But don’t worry, pedestrians, cyclists and pilots; there’s still more than enough material to suit you! Including stuff about canal boats. Ok? Here you go:

Aside from the aforementioned transportation flimflam, we discuss:

21 Grams vs. the Dawn of the Dead remake
Paul Merton’s mic technique
Big Bird
Cath Kidston
Al Jolson
Michael Caine’s teeth
skewering Cheryl Cole in the face
the late Pizza Piazza
Dead Set
munchkins
Worcestershire Sauce
puffer fish
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Mont Sleet
and
celebrity cocks.

Plus: Olly admits his desire for Janice the Muppet; Helen finally realises why the Zaltzman family never took holidays; and Martin’s immense knowledge about everything ever even extends to the speed limit on Britain’s inland waterways. We also give Vitamin Water the kicking it deserves. Yeah! We know you’re probably just as eager as we were to slate Vitamin Water, but if you can restrain yourself for just a mo, send us your QUESTIONS: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Vitamin Water, schmitamin water!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:cars, drinks, emasculation, fancying, genitals, gestures, horror, movies, refreshments, romance, sport, zombies
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »