Author Archive

Rebecca from London’s boyfriend speaks!

September 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 106 **

Remember Rebecca from London‘s touching phonecall in Episode 105? The four years of international romance, and now that her boyfriend has finally immigrated to the same country as her, he’s living in a town a two-hour drive away and she’s living in despair?

Well, the other side of the coin has been revealed, for Mr Rebecca, AKA Androo in Brighton, has since been in touch! He says:

I’m from The Bahamas and have just recently moved back to the UK after some problems with Immigration – I had been living in London near my amazing, special ladyfriend but recently had to move to Brighton for work.

Unwittingly I have hurt her feelings, but I feel that an hour train ride is a lot easier than basically 24 hours of travel that costs around £1000 each time…so, answer me this:

How do I get my ladyfriend to stop getting drunk and calling popular internet podcasts to make me look like a twat? 🙂

Hide her phone? Pour her booze stash down the lav? Listeners, we hope you’re rooting for Androo and Rebecca as much as we are – so please comment below with your suggestions for resolving their less-long-distance relationship.

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Martin the Sound Man: new podcast, new video, new toy

September 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 106 **

Oh happy day, Martin the Sound Fans – he’s not only just released a new episode of his Sound of the Ladies podcast, but it comes with an instructional video! Click here for both.

Also, for all of you wondering since Episode 105 whether Martin would ever realise his dream of owning a Danelectro guitar, wonder no more:

All this happiness for under £200!

All this happiness for under £200!

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EPISODE 106 – Queen Victoria’s toilet

August 27, 2009

Hey, pissheads!

As the age of economic belt-tightening continues tiresomely, listener Alex from Nottingham has kindly lent us his cunning way of getting drunk on the cheap. If you want to know what his budget route to fast-track inebriation is – involves both do-gooding and personal risk! – then just bend your ear to Answer Me This! Episode 106:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

And on today’s dance-card:

Brighton Pavilion
Jennifer Lopez
We Are Klang’s furniture
the asymmetry of marriage
London vs. York
Tallahassee vs. Martin’s sanity
Puritans vs. decor
Ann Widdecombe vs. the Jonas Brothers
double-barrelled surnames
the antiques of the future
Olly’s grandmother’s wallpaper
Helen’s father’s gullibility
and
the dragon in Shrek

Plus: Olly’s Big Blood Giveaway is ruined by alternative medicine; Helen is defeated by mere wallpaper; and Martin the Sound Man brings someone back from the dead, or at least wakes them up after a moderate thwack to the head. He’s a miracle-weaver! Bring your children to Answer Me This! Towers and he will bless them for £20 a head. 10% discount for two-headed babies.

Aaaanyway, if you have a problem concerning your two-headed baby, or perhaps another query of some kind, let us know! Send your QUESTIONSto answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Right, we’re off to nab the last remaining blackberries in Crystal Palace park before the birds shit on all of them, but we’ll see you next week. Bye!

Helen and Olly

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Gimme a job, dickface! Sorry, I meant MISTER Dickface.

August 27, 2009

Frankly none of your interview bloopers have quite matched up to Neal from Crawley‘s stump-shaking cringerama, as featured in Episode 105, but we realise that’s a tough act to follow, and we’re still very pleased you’ve shared with us your solecisms. Check them out HERE. Below are a few more that came into our inbox. Tanya from Twickenham recounts an awkward university interview:

I had to sit on what looked like a kitchen chair in the middle of a massive room. There were two interviewers, a man and a woman – the man was sitting on the far right side of the room on a very high chair like a barstool and the woman was sitting on a very low sofa on the far left side of the room.

I felt totally ridiculous looking from one to the other from my isolated position in the middle of the room, and I could hardly hear what the woman was asking me as she was so far away. The man picked his nose throughout the whole thing.

When I left, I tripped over the rug and crashed into the door. They didn’t offer me a place.

Another university interview Fail comes from Alex from Nottingham:

I had an interview to study medicine at UEA. I took the train down and there was a death on the track ahead; I never got the details but we got an announcement that the police had made it into a crime scene as we rushed to the coach.

Later on in my interview the interviewer asked if I had any trouble getting there and I replied, “Oh not much, I came down on the train but there was a death on the track ahead.” There was an awkward pause and so I carried on, “…Which almost made me late.” I then realised this was the kind of callous thing never to say to an interviewer whose primary purpose was to analyse how caring and compassionate I was. Unsurprisingly, I did not get in.

This one from Alasdair from Austria reads more like an early-90s sitcom plot:

In 1991 as students, a friend and I went to an interview for a placement year in Wiltshire from Leicester, and it was the worst time ever. I did the normal thing and was up early and dressed smart etc., then dropped around to my friend’s house to find he had pulled the night before and was asleep with her and hungover. After an impolite and confusing rush to get him awake and help him get his clothes and car keys etc. and somehow explain to the lady that we had to go, we piled into his car and drove off.

About an hour later, after occasionally helping him stay on the road by “assisting” him with the steering wheel, we ran out of petrol. I had to walk sweating up a hill with a petrol can and luckily found a farmer’s house and persuaded the farmer’s wife to drive me to a petrol station and get petrol. At least it was a respite from the stale alcohol fumes from my friend’s mouth. He was of course asleep when I got back to the car.

We finally arrived in the small town almost late, and my friend was not yet in his suit. We ended up stopping at a pub to change, but since it was before opening hours it was closed and he had to get changed in a little plastic kiddy tree-house. As you can imagine we arrived thoroughly rattled, I was physically shaking from fried nerves and we hadn’t eaten.

In the end I got offered a job. My friend was still hungover of course and didn’t.

Any more for any more? No need to be shy, you’re among friends here. Share with us by commenting here, that we might all learn from your mistakes laugh at your misfortune.

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EPISODE 105 – www.sanctimoniouspartybags.com

August 20, 2009

Salutations, listeners!

Today’s the start of Ramadan, so best of luck with that, Muslim listeners; we’d imagine a daylight fast would be considerably easier at a time of year when the days weren’t still so damn long, but maybe Answer Me This! Episode 105 will help take your mind off it:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Therein we talk upon the following matters:

lunch dates
Danelectro guitars
Greek GCSE (ancient, not modern)
sodium hydroxide
Noah’s ark
North Dublin
Dyson Ball
Helen’s granny’s anecdotes (granecdotes?)
evolution favouring Agatha Christie
Michael Palin
and
East Croydon.

Plus: had he not liked TV so much, Olly could have been a priest by now; Helen invites you all to take a turn in Martin the Sound Man’s beard; and Martin the Sound Man manages to analogise Girls Aloud to crisps, albeit unconvincingly.

Also, because we are Vampires feeding off the Misery and Failure of others, if you have managed to do a massive fuck-up in a job interview like Neal from Crawley, please tell us all about it by posting a comment below; and as ever, send us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Oh and if you’re a fan of buying stuff, you might enjoy some of our new Merch from www.cafepress.com/answermethis. If you like looking at Martin the Sound Man’s face, you might covet one of these; or if you like sitting on our faces, how about this?

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Schools lottery

August 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 104 **

Help us out, please, listeners! We’ve had a question from Chris from Aldershot which we can’t answer, because none of us know shit about these matters. But perhaps you do, so we put it to you:

Our son is 2, we live in a bit of a scabby area (Aldershot) but want him to attend a better school which is in Farnham.

Answer me this: At what time should we think about putting his name down for the better school in Farnham to stand a better chance of getting him in?

Any ideas, chaps? Comment below!

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and so to bed

August 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 104 **

Here’s a very simple solution to Chris from Barcelona‘s sleeping-in-a-hot-climate problem from Episode 104, courtesy of Janelle from New Brunswick, Canada:

I can help Chris from Barcelona with three words…KING SIZE BED!

I am recently married and before we were married, my husband and I could never handle napping in the same bed; we were always in each
other’s personal space, and someone would always end up with no blankets and almost on the floor.

So upon getting married and living together we made a choice to value sleep and our sanity, so we bought a KING SIZE BED, it is 108 x
102 inches of pure bliss! I can sprawl out and I do not even know he is there, plus we meet in the middle for cuddle time. And if we had separate bedrooms, we would
miss out on the pillow talk and general intimacy that accompanies sharing a bed.

So Chris, get to your local mattress store and INVEST!

Thanks for the tip, Janelle – you don’t happen to have shares in http://www.massivespanishbeds.com, do you?

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EPISODE 104 – sex my puppet

August 13, 2009

Hideho, listeners,

It’s this time of year where we find it difficult to do much beyond faffing, time-wasting and procrastinating. But fortunately we managed to rise from our couches of sloth long enough to bring out Episode 104:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Wherein we speak of:

armchair geography
the mockery of medical students
brie
Olly’s missing kidney
the Observer Food Monthly celebrity shopping-basket critiques
big bully Russia
bunk beds
Dr Gunter von Hagens
Terry Wogan
and
what Big and the army have in common.

Furthermore, Helen busts out an unexpected St Etienne cover, Olly reveals his wish to dress like a 4-year-old girl in a nativity play, and Martin the Sound Man says he hates to dent Olly’s ego although he clearly does NOT hate that AT ALL.

Our complaints department also rumbles into action, so we’d just like to reiterate that if you send us a question and it doesn’t get answered, it’s nothing personal, ok? We love you all equally! Read our FAQ to see our various excuses for not keeping up with every question you donate; keep the faith, and keep sending us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We can’t promise to answer, but we’ll do our best! (Although we will do our better best if you slip us a brown envelope full of tenners…)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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tits in headphones

August 12, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

Cast your minds back, listeners, all the way to Episode 101 and this question from Callum from Colne Engaine: “I remember seeing an album cover with something like a man with headphones on (the big ‘cans’ type) with only half of his face on the album cover. I think he may have been wearing a beanie. Do you know whose album it was?”

Well, Ben in Cardiff might:

Not 100% sure if this is correct, but it could be the cover of ‘The Sound of the Cosmos’, a 3 disc mix by Tom Middleton. He is wearing a beanie (or equivalent skull cap) and there is only half of his face on the cover, but he’s not wearing headphones. And he’s full of cosmos.

What do you reckon, Callum?
Tom Middleton

If that’s not it, maybe this from Keith in Bradford will provide you some consolation:

Hi Helen,

I was trying to find the answer to your posed question of which album cover has a man with a pair of earphones……

However, I did stumble upon this picture which I thought was quite funny, and something with which which you have to endure – a pair of tits in headphones.

LOL

Tits in headphones

Indeed, a common sight around the Answer Me This! studios, although we rarely look quite so cheerful about it…

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Pakistan, The Talkies and Wine Gum mind control

August 12, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

We’ve got some feedback from you lot about the last couple of episodes. Firstly from Suhail from Pakistan:

In Episode 102, on the topic of the second most funniest podcast in the world, Olly suggested that there could be podcasts in other languages that you don’t know about – for example in Pakistan. Well you should be know that there are absolutely no comedy podcasts in Pakistan, so at least from my side I can say that you guys actually are second funniest podcast in the world.

Wahey! That’s all the proof we need, so thanks Suhail; we’ll press on getting our ‘2nd funniest’ medallions minted.

Next we heard from Robin from Southport, regarding Episode 103:

Listening to this week’s podcast took me back to my youth. ( I am probably your oldest listener, at a youthful 55 and three quarters.) You were discussing whether the cinema still shows the film if they haven’t sold any tickets. Back in the old days, when the cinema was known as the pictures, they used to show two films in a programme, the main feature and the B movie. They would show the films continuously.

We would go into the pictures when we arrived, and usually one of the films would be showing. We would then sit through both films, but when we got to the part of the film that was showing when we arrived, we would leave the cinema (unless it was a particularly good ending, in which case we would stay on and see the ending again). If we wanted we could arrive at the pictures as the shows started in the early afternoon and see the films several times, leaving after the last showing. This seems very strange, but in the 60s it was common practice. No wonder drugs became popular!

Frankly, watching films on a loop sounds far more our thing than the wilder aspects of the 1960s; but perhaps that decade would have been wasted upon us… Anyway, our final Will:

I do not regard myself as someone easily susceptible to advertising, but after hearing your latest podcast I left the house for a light lunchtime stroll and felt compelled to take a detour along the main road (which I never do) to buy some Wine Gums (which I have never done). I’m not even that fond of Wine Gums so the action immediately struck me as out of character. It only occurred to me hearing the podcast again that Wine Gums were a central feature and that – clearly -somehow you had used your clandestine persuasion tactics to compel me into buying them.

Answer me this: are you being paid a massive retainer by Maynards for podcast product placement? And are there any other major brands palming you off with cash? Should I expect to be buying a Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition of 7even even though I don’t have a Blu-ray player (nor know what Blu-ray is)? Or will I be booking last-minute holidays at Center Parcs next week, even though I live alone, have no remaining family and hate cycling?

Golly! As if we’d be veritably capable of such devious trickery. Our feelings are so hurt, Will.

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EPISODE 103 – Guerrillas in the Mist

August 6, 2009

Good day to you, listeners,

Today’s podcast comes to you in association with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Or rather, through a mulch of Krispy Kreme doughnuts; if only we had heeded our grandmothers’ insistence upon not talking with our mouths full. So we suppose Answer Me This! Episode 103 is a bit like dancing on granny’s grave, only without the danger of stubbing our toes on a headstone:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

On today’s conversational rota:

Status Quo vs. Status Quo
Fuck Buttons vs. mini-golf
port
Architects in Helsinki
America’s Best Dance Crew
quesadillas
King Charles II’s prophylactics
Take That’s long-running association with lube
Victorian hair jewellery
True Blood
sweetie cigarettes
and
the George Darte Funeral Home.

Plus: Olly tries to get by in Spanish; Helen’s childhood hobbies are some Benjamin Buttons shit; and Martin the Sound Man was, by the sound of it, abducted by aliens and forced to participate in some giant scat pool party. We also warn off the other Oliver Mann and the other Answer Me This.

Moreover! If you stick around till the end of the episode you will hear how Luke from Cambridge set us the challenge to find an apt collective noun for Answer Me This! listeners; if you have any good ideas for such (keep it clean, now!), please comment below; and as ever, do send us your QUESTIONS by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Au revoir,

Helen and Olly

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Toyboy

August 5, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 102 **

Readers, it’s time to get your oar in to this romantic dilemma from Amelia from London:

I have recently started going out with this really nice guy. He is funny, smart and not a generic prat like most of the teenage boys I know.

But there is one problem: he is in the year below me and I keep getting called a cradle snatcher, amongst other things so offensive I dare not put them in this email for fear of upsetting Martin the sound man. So answer me this, What do I do?

Courage, Amelia; we think if you go for option 3, the potential teasing will abate pretty quickly – show no shame, and the haterzzzz really won’t have a great deal to go on. And actually, their reaction might be less bad than you think: thanks to Halle Berry, Demi Moore et al, being a cougar is all the rage these days!

But readers, what do you think? VOTE!

We’ve got an alternative suggestion too, if none of the above work: tell everyone he is in fact two years older than you, but was held back in school because he is very stupid.

And at least the whole affair is considerably less transgressive than this very modern romance.

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