What a surprise the publishers of our book decided not to use this picture! Granted, their usual style of authorial portrait is usually a little more contemplative, a tad more restrained. But they probably thought that to print an image of such timeless, exquisite beauty on the cover of our book would be unfair on all the other books.
Yes. That must have been the reasoning.
To find out why we have unleashed this aesthetics gamechanger, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 247:
Today we discuss:
forked tongues
Liv Tyler’s tits
holiday snaps
smoking vs. self-pleasuring
Pot Noodles vs. aquariums Armageddon vs. Les Miserables
menageries vs. mono-nageries corgis’ Christmas Lion Tower
Bruce Willis in a space suit
and
bedroom antics.
Plus: Olly reveals how the Queen helped Kate and Willsher dogs to mate; Helen’s holiday photo albums all look like this; and Martin the Sound Man ejaculates through his tear ducts, apparently.
As an extension of the final questioneer’s bath masturbation query, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) considers what else you can do in a bath, if said bath is in Las Vegas. Clue: cleanliness is unlikely to be the most immediate concern.
Our immediate concern is, of course, gathering your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Over the AMT years, we thought we made it clear that we are not keen on the idea of joining the Mile High Club. We cannot feel sexy on planes because we are too busy thinking about death/trying to stop our eyeballs drying out/watching as many 2.5-star films as we can. Plus plane lavatories, the traditional location for an exquisite and classy act of mid-air copulation, are disgusting.
But despite all this, Lauren in Canada is undeterred:
So I am from England and my boyfriend is Canadian. We are currently living together in Canada but we will be flying over to London to spend this Christmas with my family.
Our plane takes off just before midnight and will be a nice night flight. I am thinking this is the perfect opportunity to try and join the mile high club, you know just for a laugh. The lights will be dimmed, and most people will be trying to sleep, so should be easy enough to sneak off to the bathroom.
I am aware that it’s not going to be mind blowing or romantic, I just want to have the experience. Id even be happy with some heavy petting under the complimentary blankets!!!!
However, the boyfriend isn’t too keen on the idea and told me that it’s a ‘federal offence’. I think he is scared at being marched through Heathrow in handcuffs whilst meeting my Dad for the first time.
So Helen and Olly, answer me this: Can we really get into actual serious trouble?
AND
more importantly, how can I pursuade him to give it a try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First question first: realistically, unless you’re doing something VERY depraved and disruptive to others, your punishment is likely to be no stronger than a frown and a polite admonition from the flight attendants. But technically it could be a legal transgression, depending upon the laws of the country of take-off, the country of landing, and the country you’re flying over at the time. So choose your moment carefully, Lauren, because if you get caught over Greenland, they’ll feed your genitals to a polar bear.
As for your second question, reread the opening paragraph, Lauren. We cannot overcome our horror to help you. However, perhaps our disgusting and unhygienicracy and adventurous readers can assist? Go to the comments and suggest to Lauren how she can convince her reluctant boyfriend to let her ring his jingle bells at 30,000 feet.
In cities the world over, people are staging sit-ins; so naturally we followed suit, and sat in AMT Towers to produce Answer Me This! Episode 194. Yeah, we’re sticking it to The Man!
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week, we talk of:
naughty nuns Going for Gold The Lion King 3D
fancy dress pitfalls
AFoLs (Adult Fans of Lego)
standard deviation in men’s haircuts
Cornish separatists
Victorian vaginas
Hans Zimmer
high tea
L7
the pink British Empire
impersonating a police officer John Suchet (NOT David Suchet)
the true meaning of ‘fascinating’
ALF the Alien vs. nipple tassels
and Southall’s antique jamrags.
Plus: Olly’s suspicions are proven correct that the perennially awful Rosemary Daniels did not get into Neighbours on merit; Helen’s not going to allow someone else to have the pleasure of waving sharp blades close to her head, thankyou very much; and Martin the Sound Man fleetingly refers to ‘The Bill Callahan Effect’. Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of this phenomenon: it is familiar to precisely one person, and that person is Martin. Well done, Martin, for tapping into the popular consciousness so very effectively.
On this week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhones, iPads and Android devices) you can find out what costume you need to be sexy, smart AND snug on Halloween. Clue: it involves tweed and elbow patches. Ring-a-ding-ding!
Like the greedy greedy bankers, we are greedy – for your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and don’t worry about the consequences: us having a big coffer full of questions will not mean that 99% of the populace has to struggle on without questions at all. Especially as we’ll be giving those questions BACK in next week’s episode, plus interest (answers). In the AMT economy, nobody has to suffer.
The Secret Diary of Billie Piper concluded this week, so I guess it’s up to us to bring the sexy henceforth. So, bloated from too much Chinese takeaway, we belchingly waddle forth to present you with Answer Me This! Episode 172. Ring-a-ding-ding! Phwoar! Boinnnnngggg! Etc.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Just like Billie’s character, we love variety; but instead of keeping ourselves amused with multiple hairstyles and myriad sexual partners, we merely talk a lot. About such diverse things as:
hiding the afikomen the Giant Koala
Leonardo DiCaprio
offensive T-shirts
bad taste vs. good taste
After Eights vs. Ferrero Rocher The Moldy Peaches vs. The Secret History vs. What Women Want
Ginger Spice vs. Scary Spice
moths vs. moobs
Stonehenge vs. the Easter Island moai
Digbeth Coach Station
Camden Market
the new Starbucks logo Time Team alternative endings Maria Teresa de Filippis
Slash in the Attic
and
the Jonathan Dimbleby octopus.
Plus: Olly’s habitual goodwill to all mankind finally shatters, all because of those godforsaken people with strong bladders; Helen reveals another fashion misfire from her youth (let’s face it, her youth was fashion misfire: 1000000, fashion fire: nil); and Martin the Sound Man gives Kylie Minogue the nod should she ever find herself in a dry spell. What an altruist that man is. This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for the iPhone or Android, appfans) is an insight into what Olly’s wearing. It’s pink! It involves trompe l’oeil! No, he’s not wearing Buffalo Bill’s skin-suit from The Silence of the Lambs…
We warn you that next week’s podcast will be a few hours late, because Olly’s going for a spa mini-break. But he’ll be thinking about your QUESTIONS the whole time he’s steaming his mannparts, so do ask them via voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Then after you’ve done that, anoint yourself in unguents, wrap yourself in a bathrobe which has been worn by hundreds of people before you, lie back and relax.
ELECTION ELECTION WINEHOUSE’SBROKENBOOBS ELECTION ELECTION ELECTION KATONA. That’s all we’re hearing about this week, and frankly it’s wearing us down. Listeners, perhaps you feel the same; or perhaps you don’t live in Britain and therefore didn’t even know there was an election on. And now that you do, you couldn’t give a tortoise’s bra about it. But hopefully we can all agree to settle down and listen toAnswer Me This! Episode 133, before returning to deface Tory pamphlets/whatever the hell you non-Brit-residents were up to:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we speak of:
Tory tax breaks
Smith Kendon travel sweets
Kenneth Tynan
Scotney Castle
Birmingham Selfridges
Tate Modern
satnav wipes
sphygmomanometers
sexting vs. proper infidelity
Facebook vs. Friends Reunited
syntax vs. inflections
souvenir pencils
the Paris Expo
James Citizen Kane
Sarah Kane Hamlet II In the Night Garden
and
Ozwald Boateng.
Plus: Olly yearns for the rural life, tilling the soil and raising livestock; Helen is shocked by the potty-mouth affecting Woman’s Hour; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more about blood pressure than the average district nurse. And some news that might be more exciting to us than to you, and more exciting to our mums than anyone else.
You know what’s definitely exciting all round, though? Your QUESTIONS! So give us a thrill by sending them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. Our timbers are shivering in anticipation.
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