Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for Episode 136 **

Here’s a good question from Jim from Tewkesbury, aged 29 and 11/12ths:

I recently had a dream about my first crush, who I haven’t thought about for years.

On waking I obviously thought of you guys, so, Helen and Olly, answer me this: who were your first crushes, and how did their lives pan out without you holding them back?

Olly’s became an interior designer. Helen later went out with hers for three years, shortly after which he gained himself a wife and three children. Martin the Sound Man’s is lost to the sands of time (ie he has no idea, but she’s probably safe and sound somewhere. Isn’t she, Martin? ISN’T SHE?).

So what do you reckon, readers? Are our first crushes the winners in this equation? And what became of your own first crushes? Go forth to the comments and tell us, please!

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** Click here for Episode 136 **

Readers, Americans need your help to enjoy their jaunts to Britain! Firstly, Annie from Eugene, Oregon:

I’m going to London this summer, and as a huge theatre fan I figured I’d ask you: What shows should I see? What shows should I drag my non-theatre-loving boyfriend to?

Any ideas? Stick them in the comments below (unless those ideas are sending her to American shows that have arrived in London five years later with an inferior cast. Or Stomp). Then restoke the fires in your brain on behalf of Crystal from Baltimore:

I am going on vacation to England during the first week of June. When I asked my little brother what kind of souvenir he would like, he requested a smashed penny. In the U.S. there are these sort of machines in touristy places with big cranks, you put two quarters (for payment) and a penny (for smashing) into a slot, and then turn the crank. The machine sort of presses the penny flat and puts a little relief picture of the place you’re at or something iconic on it. He’s got smashed pennies from a lot of places in the U.S., but I’ve suddenly realized you don’t use our money in England.

Helen and Olly, answer me this: Are there smashed pence machines?

None that I’ve ever seen. Though there are quite a lot of smashed pennies on the pavement, if your brother doesn’t mind a souvenir covered in dirt and pigeon shit.

If not, what might be a nice England-y present for a five-year-old boy? I’m willing to spend slightly more than the equivalent of 51 cents, I love him that much.

That truly is love… It generally seems to us that abroadniks enjoy souvenirs which riff on classic Britacular stuff like the red buses, phoneboxes and black cabs (rather than the binge drinking and high teen pregnancy rates), and in places like museum stores you might find some excellent phonebox-shaped objects and toy wooden buses which would be ticklish to the average five-year-old. But it’s been a while since we were five, or were bought a souvenir of the city in which we live, so please deliver your own suggestions in the comments.

P.S. The tour of southern England we are taking involves spending an afternoon in Tunbridge Wells. Is there anything there we shouldn’t miss?

Well, I’d suggest missing Tunbridge Wells. But if you must insist upon going there, then after your inevitable trip to the Georgian wonderland that is the Pantiles, pay a quick visit to the nearby ancient bookshop where I used to work. If you suffer from dust allergies, take a breathing mask.

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** Click here for Episode 136 **

Here’s a question from Mark in London:

Like most teenagers I am broke, and am looking for some quick ways of making money. I turn 18 in a couple of weeks and was thinking of selling a few of my little soldiers at a sperm bank, or possibly doing some clinical trials.

So answer me this, is that a good idea?! Do you know any ways that I can make some money?!

Look at us. We spend most of our working week doing a podcast for free. Of course we don’t know any ways to make money!

But readers, if you can think of some means for an unscrupulous teen to increase his monies, then please let him know in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 135 **

Get ready to point and laugh at Amber from Kansas:

The set up: One day at work about three weeks ago I was offered chocolate covered blueberries while sitting at my desk. Later, I went home, threw my work clothes in the dirty clothes basket and that was that.

So Helen and Olly, to alleviate my intense embarrassment, can you tell me what your worst retro-active embarrassing moments are?

If we haven’t already shared them in the podcast (and longtime listeners will have had more than enough of our embarrassments), it’s because they make us wince so much that our spines would become permanently misshapen and our skulls would cave in from the internal screaming.

But hopefully you guys suffer from no such reservations, so head into the comments and share your shame!

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** Click here for Episode 135 **

Like many of you, I imagine, I didn’t particularly want to hear Olly answer the following question from Johnny from Bromsgrove:

What strategies do you employ to “keep the wolf from the door” (as Alan Partridge would say) when enjoying a loving moment?

When giving me a hand job, my girlfriend says “peekaboo” on the downstroke, which does the job for me.

A vivid glimpse into the private lives of people I’ve never met; thanks Johnny. What an image. Readers, if any of you feel compelled to share your own anti-ejaculant thoughts, you’re welcome to do so in the comments. Personally I’m surprised reference to Alan Partridge doesn’t do the trick.

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