Ahoy, shipmates! Batten down the hatches for a question from Robin on the Skandi Carla in Stavanger, Norway:
I work offshore on a boat so I am away with about 30-40 people. We have people who do the cleaning and our washing who are generally great people; however the girls I work with end up doing their own washing because they don’t trust getting their pants back and at least one friend has had all her underwear stolen.
My question to you guys is: Why would men want to steal women’s underwear? Girls in underwear I do find interesting, but when girls are separated from the underwear, the undies become inanimate objects.
Now, Robin, I can only guess at what it must be like to live on a boat with only a handful of people and some walruses for company. Who knows, after enough time trapped on a boat, being both lonely and lacking in privacy, perhaps I too would seek solace in ill-gotten undies – maybe using them to dress up my imaginary friend, whose company is the only thing preventing me going a bit Triangle. Or maybe I’d be stealing them because I’d started to find the society of inanimate underwear more appealing than that of humans. Or maybe I’d just run out of clean pants.
Those are my theories, but amongst you bunch of pervs there must be someone who can explain this predeliction, so go to the comments and type up your observations with one finger.
Director David Cronenberg welcomes you to Answer Me This! Episode 165, AKA the Body Horror episode. In it, we take a close look at Prince Alberts, alkaline vaginas and the arse of Jo O’Meara from S Club 73. Cross your legs and here we go: This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Come back! There’s good clean fun as well, in the shape of:
nativity plays
pyjama trousers
candyfloss
Bellowhead
whisky mac
Hardy Amies
Damian Lewis
Nuramol Looxcie
the Polyphonic Spree Legally Blonde the Musical
Joan Holloway/Harris
Jessica Rabbit vs. Geri Halliwell
Barack Obama vs. babies Doug Malloy
King Herod Stephanie Seymour & Son
security tits Saturday Toilet
and
Benito Mussolini’s bell-end.
We realise that that list gets less clean as it goes on, but no less fun. Further fun: Olly’s Machiavellian side thrusts itself to the fore as he wishes to distort the telly-watchers of the UK into a massive army of Olly Manns; Helen nags you to eat breakfast, else you’ll be all cranky by 11am AND you’ll never conceive a girl-baby; and Martin the Sound Man would like you to know that if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. At least not until he’s finished his bag of foam shrimps.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (appless? Then hurry up and get it for your iPhone or Android device) is a little nugget of showbiz slang. Ever heard of a ‘kinell’? No? Well, you’re not showbiz, are you? Unlike this week’s app bonus footage.
My 14-month-old daughter has recently started to produce a big cheesy grin whenever we point a camera at her, without us even needing to ask her to say ‘cheese’. This got me thinking ‘fromage’ just won’t get that smiling look before a pic is taken; so answer me this, what do people that speak other languages ask their subjects to say?
A friend of mine always asks people to say ‘Prunes’ to get a pouty Victoria Beckham look.
If ‘prunes’ is good enough for the Olsen twins, it’s good enough for Friends in Letchworth. And the Mitfords used to say ‘brush’, which produces quite a coy smirk.
Team AMT, International Chapter: I call upon you to go to the comments and tell us how you crack a smile in a non-English-speaking country.
Here’s a question from the pleasingly rhyming Paul in Montreal:
Glaswegians are from Glasgow.
Liverpudlians are from Liverpool.
Londoners are from London.
What the fuck do you call people from Leeds??
Readers in the greater Leeds area, go to the comments and tell him. Paul, I don’t know why you’re so infuriated by this – is it a big problem facing Canadians at present? Moreover, what do you call people from Montreal?
My Swiss husband went for his first American haircut last week. He was shocked to find that the only reading material on offer, as he waited for the barber (/stylist), was pornographic mags. (He clarified that it was not merely Maxim or the like, but straight out, hard-core mags like Hustler and Playboy.)
When he asked my brother about it, the explanation was that this is typical and a reaction to the Metrosexual trends of years past. My husband’s barber in Zürich is Muslim and a great fan of all things masculine, but only ever has the daily paper for waiting customers.
Answer me this, please, is this a larger trend then in the US? (We’re here in San Francisco and my brother is in New York.)
Hmm. I’ve never seen porn in a barber’s myself, but then I’m a woman and therefore have no business in a barbershop unless I’m scouting for quartets. I also tend to cut my own hair, but have thus far never warmed myself up to the task with some jazzmags (unless an 18-month-old copy of Word Magazine counts). So readers, go to the comments and tell Jessy all about the reading matter available to you pre-coiffure, in a user-generated international survey.
Recently my favourite book, Dante’s Inferno, was turned into a game. Although it is a journey through hell, I don’t remember Dante wielding a weapon in anger. So answer me this, which of the books you love would make a random computer game?
By ‘random’, we assume you mean ‘inappropriate’. Therefore we can confidently say: all of them. I struggle to imagine a first-person shooter based on The Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology or some mid- to late-period WB Yeats.
A more pleasing question, if you’ll allow me to venture, would be the following: “Which totemic literary work is ripe to be converted to a video game?” Readers, you know what to do. Trot to the comments, suggest away, and if anyone at Square or EA is reading this, we could be playing Wuthering Heights Tekken by Christmas.
Are you keeping calm? Are you carrying on? Because this week, in Answer Me This! Episode 164, we wonder how a morale-boosting WWII poster spawned all of this shit (nb by ‘this shit’ we don’t mean the episode here):
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
But before we get onto that, we talk of:
the G6 Summit
Bruce Wayne’s toilet Jingle All the Way
Muffin the Mule
bingo wings before bingo wings
kleftiko
Levi Strauss
Tinie Tempah
Club Med vs. opera
synergy vs. symbiosis
pranks vs. sexual harassment Tape
the fresh air suburb
domesticity, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-style
Groupon’s discount slaves
Shingai Shoniwa cutlets
and
bat guano.
Furthermore: Olly sees what could have happened to X Factor alumni G4, given a Sliding Doors-style alternative existence; Helen scripts Downton Abbey without ever having seen it; and if you catch Martin the Sound Man scrutinising your crotch when you’re at a public urinal, don’t worry – he’s just conducting a survey. At least, that’s his story, m’lud.
And if that weren’t bad enough news for your genitals, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a cautionary tale of how if you go orienteering, you’ll most likely get a stinging nettle on your reproductive organs. Heed that warning on iPhone or Android. Those of you with elderly phones, just remember to keep your pants on AT ALL TIMES. For nature can be so cruel.
Happily, you don’t have to keep your pants on in order to ask us QUESTIONS: all you have to do is send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or Skyping answermethis.
Actually, it would be better if you kept your pants on. Sorry. We’ve got such sensitive constitutions.
See you next Thursday!
Helen and Olly
PS. If you’ve ever done anything particularly G6-like yourself, by all means show off about it in the comments.
To some, Fight Club conjures up images of bloodied punched-in faces; others, of Meat Loaf’s boobs; others, Helena Bonham Carter in orgasmic ecstasy. But for Lorna from Yorkshire, the associations are far more pleasant:
Whilst listening to your discussion of fight clubs a week or so ago I reminisced, misty-eyed, about my now fiance Edward taking me on our first date
to see Fight Club at the Warner Village Cinema at Clifton Moor (a handsome industrial estate on the edge of York) back in ’99.
Some people think it’s very strange that he took me to see Fight Club on a date and that it is a terrible choice for first dateyness. I suppose they think it ought to have been something more romantic, but i think romance could be quite awkward on a first date.
Anyway answermethis please: what film would be your ideal first date movie and why? And what film would be the worst possible film to see on a first
date and why?
My own first date took place at a showing of Naked Gun 2 1/2, which of course contains all the elements of the ideal first date movie – nukes, OJ Simpson, Richard Griffiths’s arse… If, however, you have strong feelings that another film is the pinnacle of the first date movie genre, then commit those to the comments; alternatively, feel free to apply yourself to Lorna’s supplementary question and tell us which film totally cockblocked you.
Mother Teresa wasn’t a mother, and according to Arjun from Canada, she’s not a saint either! We’re so confused. Was she even a nun? Is she still alive and living in a bungalow with Elvis, Princess Diana and Lord Lucan? Now THERE’s a reality show we wish Channel 4 would broadcast…
Anyway, as our minds wander, Arjun explains:
Just wanted to point out to you that Mother Teresa has not been canonized as a saint yet – she’s been beatified, which means she has the title “Blessed”, but isn’t a full saint!
It’s not really certain who the next saint will be. The Next Saint – now there’s a good reality show!
A good reality show (though not as good as my suggestion), but an even better game to play RIGHT NOW! Go to the comments and tell us who you think should be canonised – and because about 80% of you are bound to want to bow down in front of St Stephen Fry, we’ll allow you to nominate candidates who are still alive. Give your reasons, and we’ll send off the five best suggestions to the Vatican next week.
Good news for Emma from Bristol! Sarah knows exactly what you should do with your four boxes of unwanted Christmas talcum powder:
Picture the scene.
A rare hot sunny day in August. You’ve bundled the family into the car at 5am and driven to the coast for a well deserved fun filled day at the beach. You’ve spent so much money on parking, undercooked burgers and overpriced buckets and spades that you could’ve flown to Greece for a week. At least one member of your party has been sick or cut themselves on the rock pool.
Now it is 4.30 and you’ve got to fight your way home on the motorway with all the other fuckers. You’ve been on a sandy beach all day, in and out of the sea. You have sand in every crevice of your body, and trying to brush it off with a towel, apart from being utterly ineffective, makes you red raw. Road rage is setting in already.
Talcum powder will save you. Liberally applied to sand covered areas, it will remove all traces of the evil stuff and leave you feeling silky smooth, calm and ready to face the long journey home.
So when great aunty Mabel presents me with a little bottle of talc every Christmas I smile, thank her, and tuck it away with my suntan lotion.
Hooray! So by deploying it for a post-beach clean-up, you should have used up your supply in a mere 80 years or sono time. But whatever you do, don’t sprinkle it on a baby, Jamie in Nottingham warns:
My partner Marie and I have a 14-week-old daughter, Lily Sophia!!! And we have been told by medical professionals that you cannot use talc as the tiny particles – if that is the word – is bad for them! I fucking loved talc!!
Don’t let such a pure love die, Jamie! If you’re scared to sprinkle the substance over your daughter, give yourself a thick dusting instead. You’ll look like John Malkovich in Dangerous Liaisons, which might give Marie a nice post-natal thrill.
I’m sure you’re all agog to know, as we were, the technical details of Josh from Warwick University‘s lift ordeal from last week’s podcast:
I’d just like to clarify, where you were wondering if the lift got full of wee – it didn’t, as we managed to open the inner doors and (as Martin suggested) have a wee down all 4 feet of lift shaft, since we were trapped between the first and second floor.
Since the inner door opened fully, and only the outer doors were locked, even Olly could get his sizable penis through the gap.
What a relief! In both senses. Here’s another relief, this time for waggly pop sensation Chico, who must have been very hurt that his career-high concert in Hyde Park didn’t even make it into Olly Mann’s medium-term memory bank. Cheer up, Chico! You made a far more lasting impression upon Michael:
You reminded me of the strange moment I met Chico – I was on a trip round Europe with 2 mates, and when on a boat on Lake Como in Italy, we spent the whole journey distracted not by the beautiful scenery around us but by trying to decide whether it was him or not. We decided it had to be and ended up getting a picture with him and his daughter, the best snap from the whole holiday!
Wow. Call Cameron Crowe – I think we’ve got a plot for Almost Famous II!
Have you ever had selective amnesia? I, for instance, have blocked out every memory of looking into a mirror before my childhood fringe grew out. And in Answer Me This! Episode 163, we discover the event that must have been so traumatic, Olly Mann’s mind banished it…until now:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Things we have not banished from our minds this episode are:
ordnance survey
mouse mats
Lesley Garrett The Ring and the Book
Jesus Christ: gap year student
Karl Pilkington vs. Aeschylus Thunderbirds vs. Sex and the City
gastroenteritis – the pleasant kind
Saint Princess Diana
Marie Carmargo
MI1-19 Alexei Sayle’s Stuff
pick-up sticks
the Pope’s posthumous Parkinson’s panacea
and
natural selection through cock-size.
Plus: Olly retracts what he said about Love Actually in Episode 161; Helen invents the portable carpal tunnel preventative gel wristlet; and Martin the Sound Man reveals his ghost pelvis, although luckily just to Helen rather than the entire world.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhone or Android; not available for landlines) is a question from Lois, who wants to know the truth about the mythical place whose name everybody knows but whose nature few understand: the Watford Gap.
This January, we’re on a detox diet: nothing but cottage cheese and your QUESTIONS. So feed us! Leave your voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Because we HATE cottage cheese, and we’re hungry.
. Although it is a journey through hell, I don’t remember Dante wielding a weapon in anger. So answer me this, which of the books you love would make a random computer game?
or some mid- to late-period 
.
Answer Me This! Podcast 
EPISODE 163 – 80 years of failure
January 20, 2011 by Helen ZaltzmanDear friends,
Have you ever had selective amnesia? I, for instance, have blocked out every memory of looking into a mirror before my childhood fringe grew out. And in Answer Me This! Episode 163, we discover the event that must have been so traumatic, Olly Mann’s mind banished it…until now:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Things we have not banished from our minds this episode are:
ordnance survey
mouse mats
Lesley Garrett
The Ring and the Book
Jesus Christ: gap year student
Karl Pilkington vs. Aeschylus
Thunderbirds vs. Sex and the City
gastroenteritis – the pleasant kind
Saint Princess Diana
Marie Carmargo
MI1-19
Alexei Sayle’s Stuff
pick-up sticks
the Pope’s posthumous Parkinson’s panacea
and
natural selection through cock-size.
Plus: Olly retracts what he said about Love Actually in Episode 161; Helen invents the portable carpal tunnel preventative gel wristlet; and Martin the Sound Man reveals his ghost pelvis, although luckily just to Helen rather than the entire world.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhone or Android; not available for landlines) is a question from Lois, who wants to know the truth about the mythical place whose name everybody knows but whose nature few understand: the Watford Gap.
This January, we’re on a detox diet: nothing but cottage cheese and your QUESTIONS. So feed us! Leave your voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Because we HATE cottage cheese, and we’re hungry.
oxes,
Helen and Olly
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