Here’s some retro feedback from Courtney from Columbus, Ohio: retro not only because she’s contemplating a three-year-old episode of AMT, but also because it reminds us of that misty faraway time when people actually quite liked Jeremy Piven. The end-point of this era was somewhere between Grosse Pointe Blank and the start of Entourage – but not for Courtney! The embers of Piv-love still glow and crackle in her heart, which must be a very generous organ indeed if she decided to embark upon listening to AMT chronologically.
She writes:
I found out about your podcast recently and have since been cruising through the episodes – starting with episode ONE!!! The past few episodes, you’ve really been plugging your new book, and with Christmas right around the corner, I may just have to indulge…
Moments ago I listened to AMT158 where you discussed the placement of the perfume counters at the entrances of department stores. I cannot possibly know if someone has written in SINCE episode 158 and I therefore apologize in advance if this has become redundant.
Like many people, I’ve taken a liking to the actor Jeremy Piven, both for his notorious role on Entourage as well as his general demeanor. Last year he had a run on PBS with a show entitled Mr. Selfridge (which again I am not current with and may or may not still be running) as one of the founding fathers of department stores.
On an introductory special, the directors or producers or some equally important behind the scenes people said that when department stores first came about, the human race was still widely using horses and buggies. Needless to say, people were stepping in the road apples, and when they’d enter a shop, the carpets would become disgustingly foul. It was said that Mr. Selfridge or one of his contemporaries decided that if the perfumes were at the front, the stench would be covered, or at least toned down.
Just thought I’d share – love what I’m hearing so far. Although I’m far behind, I hope you’re still “in business”.
We ARE still in business Courtney, thanks! And even better now we know the term ‘road apples’.
Can anybody supply confirmation (or refutation) of the historical information asserted in Mr Selfridge? It seems plausible enough, until you remember that perfume departments are more insidiously stinky than a street full of Edwardian effluent.
I can’t make head or tail of some of the following email from Emilie. Mostly because I am too old for some of the internets that the young people use, although going by the first sentence must be too old for the English grammar and syntax that the young people use as well:
On my instagram I put up a photo of what I changed one if my friends names on Snapchat.
[Can someone translate this for me, please?]
And in a couple of minutes a dude (a random one. Not one of my followers) said he will give me a shoutout. And I had to add him on Snapchat. So I did. And I sent him a Snapchat asking when he was going to shoutout.
He didn’t reply to my question but soon when it was morning where he was, he sent me a snapchat of his erect cock with the Snapchat like “morning dick”. I replied to him saying “what the fuck is your problem?”
The next day, he sent me another one saying “hey baby u up?” I replied with the same I did before.
A couple of hours passed again with another picture of his cock. I did not reply this time but told my younger brother, he then sent him snapchats saying things like “I’m going to rape you up the arse with a razor blade”.
The dude that is sending me these is under 18 so it’s illegal. Now thus brings me to my question, what are some fun ways to get back at him? But I only have one line.
Look, Emilie. You’ve left me no choice but to channel your grandmother and send you a Telegram of Truth:
FORGET ONE-LINE REVENGE ENTAILING HORRIBLE THREATS OF RAPE TO SOMEBODY YOU THINK IS UNDERAGE THOUGH LIKE MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET IS QUITE POSSIBLY NOT ACTUALLY THE AGE YOU THINK HE IS AND JUST REMOVE THIS PERSON AS A CONTACT STOP FOR GOD’S SAKE CHILD WISE UP STOP WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK MOST PEOPLE USE SNAPCHAT FOR OTHER THAN COCKSHOTS AND WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO YOU TO RECEIVE A SHOUTOUT ON SNAPCHAT WHATEVER THAT IS STOP STOP SNAPCHATTING UNTIL YOU CAN BE TRUSTED TO SNAPCHAT AT WHICH POINT YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT SNAPCHAT ANY MORE STOP
That would be a really expensive telegram, but back in my day, when communications cost, people were far more judicious about how they used them.
Snapchat, indeed. Tsk. Now hand me my barley sugars.
Following my ‘It’s easy to sew buttons back onto your clothes, dammit!’ rant in AMT273, here comes a not unexpected question from James:
Helen, what’s the best way to sew a button on a shirt?
James, I can’t be arsed to explain it to you, so I refer you to this very thorough illustrated tutorial. Or you can ask a Pearly King or Queen; they’ve got plenty of experience.
We apologise to Dave for answering his question about book prices in AMT270 in a way that did not please him to the fullest extent:
I would have preferred to hear your views on why the author of a book was selling at a price he knew could be beaten, signed or not, by a retailer he must have had some agreement with via the publisher. He also has a choice of whether to sell his books to Amazon or not.
I know it is not quite as simple as that but generally, online discount stores only get away with it because the publishing industry sells at a heavily discounted price to them. Or am I missing something?
You are a bit, Dave. Firstly, you’re assuming that authors have dominion over such things, whereas practically none of them do. In the corridors of publishing power, authors are the carpet tiles.
But why would authors, and publishers, choose not to sell through Amazon? Both authors and publishers want to sell as many copies through as many retail outlets as possible, and Amazon has become the biggest book-seller of them all.
Secondly, you’re getting yourself into a muddle about the pricing structure, so here’s a riveting precis of how that works:
The publishers set a cost price for a book. Every retailer that stocks said book buys copies for the cost price.
The publishers also set a Recommended Retail Price (RRP), but note the word ‘recommended’: retailers aren’t obliged to sell a product for that price.
Amazon has lower overheads than other retailers, hence it is able to slash the price of a book so it’s barely more than the RRP. Other book retailers then have the choice of selling fewer books, or trying to match the market-dominating price-slashers Amazon. But whichever tack they take, they’re making a loss, and this is one reason why there are far fewer booksellers around nowadays.
None of this should affect the author if they have a good contract in place, in which it is specified that the author is to be paid royalties as a percentage of the RRP, not the sales price. (Of course the usual reason why none of this affects authors is because hardly any sell enough copies of their book to receive any royalties at all.)
Hope that clarifies, Dave. It IS quite a dry explanation, so perhaps now you’ll be happier that we took a different tack answering your question in the first place.
While we reel from the ‘IT’S OCTOBER ALREADY, HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?’ feeling, get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 273:
Today we tackle such subjects as:
Olly Mann vs Eminem
old men vs dead men
Shakespeare vs Star Trek
“carriages at 11pm”
spare buttons
Michelin Guides
naming planets
and The Fat Duck.
Furthermore: Olly is not a particularly discerning restaurant reviewer; the surprise element means Helen is bound for glory in rap battles; and Martin the Sound Man’s not going to helm an AMT Album about rocket science any time soon, though you can buy his new concept album Kill It With Fire – all proceeds go to the charity Arts Emergency.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) we continue our discussion about Michelin-starred restaurants, but somehow end up considering which wines to pair with a Gregg’s pasty. These things happen.
If you want more AMT to happen, send in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And please do give squarespace.com a whirl: they have not only sponsored today’s episode of AMT, but are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10, after you’ve had your two weeks’ free website-building fun.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT273 Child-Friendly Rating: 94%. Light on bawdy-talk and it was SO close to being a swear-free episode until we mentioned of the planet Uranus, causing Martin the Sound Man to make up some sweary planet names of his own. A couple of low-impact swears thereafter. Also a passing reference to bongs, but not one encouraging kids to use them.
We’ve received this question many times before at AMT – eg here and here – but it is one of THE big questions, so here it is again in its latest form from “a very sad and confused” Emily from Aberdeen:
What’s the best way to deal with a break up when the person is your first love? I love my boyfriend a lot but I’m not his first love like he is mine, meaning he doesn’t feel quite the same way I do and it’s just too hard so breaking up seems the best thing to do.
However I have no idea how to cope with it (as pathetic as that sounds) and would really appreciate suggestions of how to move on. I’m 18 and just started university and this just seems like the best thing to do.
Aw, Emily, we feel your pain. Luckily, you’re off to university, where everything will be new and different. Though this alone won’t entirely obliterate the pangs of love, it will provide a massive distraction. Throw yourself into all the new activities presented to you; make new friends; cop off with boys (that you then feel you have to avoid for the rest of your degree).
Readers, please go to the comments to offer any further salves to Emily’s pain. While she awaits your advice, she can take the classic route of cranking up the break-up songs and having a good cathartic wail. AMT listeners have already provided a starter playlist, and there’s a near endless supply of suitable soundtracks to Lovelorn Feelings.
We usually enjoy listeners’ gushing emails in private, but we decided to share this one from John because he is kindly offering to make YOU gush from your privates*:
I wanted to say thanks for the amazing podcasts that you’re putting out, every time I listen to one there’s tears of laughter and sometimes shame.
And as I don’t think you get enough gratitude for this I thought why not give you 10% discount in my store. Feel free to let your listeners know as well (open to UK customers only).
All you need to do is go shopping at www.erotic-moment.co.uk [LINK NSFW OBVIOUSLY] and enter the code podcast1 in the gift voucher section upon checkout. Easy.
There’s a selection of thousands of sex toys; I am sure you could find something to suit.
As well as all of this they’re all delivered extra discreetly so no one has any idea what’s inside.
Which is perfect, as it’s only 84 shopping days till Christmas!
*sorry.
NB: This is not a paid endorsement, just an AMT listener offering wares.
In AMT272, Beth of Leighton Buzzard told us she had prepared for the birth of her child by downloading the AMT Holiday to accompany the agonies of labour. Surprisingly, the sound of our voices didn’t compel the baby to stay in the womb forever, because Beth writes:
I just wanted to say thank you. Not only did I enjoy your holiday album during early labour, but I also listened to your 19 September podcast whilst in the delivery room, 40 hours into (induced) labour and just 2 hours before my baby girl was born.
I didn’t have an epidural so the distraction was very welcome. No bad reviews from me!
As a doting new mum, I couldn’t resist including a picture of your youngest fan, Jennifer, who was born at 3.22am on Friday 20 September:
All together now: awwwwwwwwwwwww. And, in sympathy with Beth’s 42-hour labour, owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
We have blood (well, chlorophyll) on our hands, thanks to listener Davi:
For the past couple months I’ve been renting the spare room of an evil cunt-woman from hell.
I’m moving out soon, and I fantasize frequently about taking some sort of crushing, flamboyant revenge against her – however, she has a security deposit from me so I couldn’t do anything obvious or damaging that she could charge me for.
Instead, I took the advice of one of your previous shows about how to furtively commit plant murder, and I watered her beloved windowsill basil plant with salt water every time I was mad at her. Within a week it shriveled up and died.
She has no idea it was me and I feel good enough that I don’t think I’ll kill her before I move out in a couple weeks. Thanks for the great tip, and keep up the good work!
OK Davi, we will, until we are arrested as accessories to floricide.
Today’s questioneer Beth has chosen the AMT Holiday album to be the soundtrack to her child’s birth. If you have ever given birth whilst listening to Answer Me This!, we’d be curious to know. Although we refuse to accept responsibility for any psychological problems your child develops as a result.
Anyway, welcome to the world, babies born during Answer Me This! Episode 272:
Their tiny little damp ears would be caressed by such topics as:
Plus: Olly expects all aliens to keep it sexy; Helen has a box set ready to get herself through any occasion; and Martin the Sound Man has gender issues, if his predilection for Bounty Bars is any indicator. And if you’re a non-Brit wondering what a Bounty Bar is, we translate for you in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android): it’s the same thing as Mounds. Great name, guys!
We’re taking next week off, so you have ample time to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And don’t forget to check out squarespace.com, who have kindly sponsored today’s episode of AMT, and are even more kindly offering you two weeks’ free play with all their website-building tools and then 10% off their service if you use the code Answer9. There are myriad design templates and hosting options, and 24/7 support if you need a hand. So go forth and build beautiful websites! And do let us know about them when you’re done. As long as they’re not the kind of site that would traumatise your child if they accidentally found them whilst snooping in your browser history.
See you Thursday after next,
Helen & Olly
AMT272 Child-Friendly Rating: 34%. Quite a lot of swearing. Question from a child about a parent’s possible extra-curricular sexual activities, inc explanation of ‘dogging’.
On this week’s hot topic of aliens, here’s Martin the Sound Man just outside Area 51
Would you prefer to live a life with a normal amount of blowjobs but no cheese EVER AGAIN, or a life with no blowjobs but all the cheese you could want?
I’m sorry but I won’t be able to download your podcast any longer as I am working class and work with my hands, and as Olly said on Episode 271 I couldn’t possibly have any concept of what a podcast is or that people could carry out a type of work that involved only using a magical device called a phone!
What a snobbish patronising attitude you seem to have to us lowly manual labour types, let’s see how stupid you think we are next time something like your boiler breaks and you need one of us to repair it!
In Olly’s defence, I think what he was clearly trying to express was: anybody for whom the concept of work does not mean ‘sitting on a deckchair listening to one’s own voice’ – ie everybody – would deride Olly’s ‘work’. Like Rachmaninov would scorn David Guetta’s ‘music’, or Gordon Ramsay would scream at any of his Kitchen Nightmares victims that served ready-prepared food. Oh. Hang on…
Answer Me This! Podcast 