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Here’s an infernal dilemma from Anonymous:
Would you prefer to live a life with a normal amount of blowjobs but no cheese EVER AGAIN, or a life with no blowjobs but all the cheese you could want?
cheese vs blowies
September 19, 2013• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
manual labour vs Mann-ual labour
September 18, 2013
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Oh dear, another listener irked by AMT271. Vent your grievance, Craig:
I’m sorry but I won’t be able to download your podcast any longer as I am working class and work with my hands, and as Olly said on Episode 271 I couldn’t possibly have any concept of what a podcast is or that people could carry out a type of work that involved only using a magical device called a phone!
What a snobbish patronising attitude you seem to have to us lowly manual labour types, let’s see how stupid you think we are next time something like your boiler breaks and you need one of us to repair it!
In Olly’s defence, I think what he was clearly trying to express was: anybody for whom the concept of work does not mean ‘sitting on a deckchair listening to one’s own voice’ – ie everybody – would deride Olly’s ‘work’. Like Rachmaninov would scorn David Guetta’s ‘music’, or Gordon Ramsay would scream at any of his Kitchen Nightmares victims that served ready-prepared food. Oh. Hang on…
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repeat offender
September 18, 2013••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••
Much as we want to, we can’t save Team AMT members from themselves. We told Kris once. We told Kris twice. And now it appears we have to tell him for a third time that his ex-girlfriend is manipulative, selfish, advantage-taking monster and he needs to GET RID:
Guess what, we got back together in January! After 8 months of crazy (her seeing 2-3 guys, falling pregnant etc) we decided that the fact we had talked every day meant something….and now we’ve broken up again (3 weeks ago). We had been discussing marriage and even up until two weeks ago were talking about getting back together and looking for a place.
It won’t surprise you to know that a week after our break up, she has met a new fellow via internet dating. She has described him ‘feeling like the one’. And he’s even asked her to move in with him in little over a month’s time. Yet surprisingly her behaviour has not seemed consistent. We awkwardly bumped into each other on the dating website, and she was still looking for guys after she’d met him.
She also has a box of my stuff she’s been ‘too busy to send’. She now claims she needs to source a box, which I suggested she could grab from the post office. She refuted that suggestion saying it would cost $10 and her parents have boxes for free.
Perhaps most baffling of all is that while she’s asked me to be happy she’s found her one, when I mentioned my own foray into the dating scene it was met with scorn and nitpicking on how stupid she sounded. It was the day after that she then changed her Facebook status as if to send me a message. I will admit to my own dalliance with immaturity by sending back a book which contained those lovely dovey questions. It was basically a bible of how I was the one and perfect for her – my argument was she’d kept our other sentimental shit in the past but to me it just felt hollow.
I guess the condensed version of this is, if she’s so happy with the ‘one’ why would she ever call me (admittedly not every day maybe every few days) and why would she pour such scorn on my own dating – I mean I’m happy she’s happy; why is this not mutual?
Because, as we said before Kris, this woman wants you to be available to her on her terms whenever she pleases. Your happiness is not important to her; frankly you are not important to her. She gives shits only about herself.
Even the most well-balanced person doesn’t relish hearing that an ex has moved on, even in the most friendly of circumstances. However, this woman is not that person. She does sound rather messed up – but regardless of that, she seems to be completely unrewarding as an object for your affections. Read your own emails: she has repeatedly demonstrated this.
So – say it with me, readers:
CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE, KRIS!
I hardly think I can make this message clearer. And if you write to us again in 8-12 months with the same problem, I will assume that you have a fetish either for shit relationships, or for me berating you. Whichever it is, I don’t want to help you indulge in it.
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cunting for cunts
September 17, 2013••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••
Here’s a frosty email regarding AMT271 from long-term listener Magnum from Edinburgh:
Dear Helen, please learn to distinguish between scouting for girls and bowling for soup. I know it’s probably just a case of them both having the word for in the name and you were racking your brain to think of the correct band. But you don’t want to upset the BFS army. That way madness lies.
Perish the thought I’d upset the Souperheroes or whatever they call themselves! Don’t worry, Magnum, I didn’t confuse their music any more than I’d confuse a shrug and a wince. It was, as you suspected, a linguistic switcheroo, so henceforth I will refer to both bands, as well as any others using that name formula, as [Gerund] For [Irrelevant Noun].
Bowling for Girls
Scouting for Soup
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EPISODE 271 – ampersand ampersand tonic
September 12, 2013Good day, listeners,
Today we learn why all those people believe Elvis to be alive, whereas they don’t feign such confidence over the likes of, say, Janis Joplin, Robert Johnson, Mozart… Put on your white jumpsuit and conspiracy theorising hat, and get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 271:
In which we also ponder:
office nemeses
servants
panpipes
table tennis bats
cupcake wars (interpersonal ones, not the tv show of the same name)
Red Or Black vs Ant Or Dec
the parliamentary mace vs Geoff Hoon
The Flaming Et Cetera
and
the National Enquirer.
Furthermore! Of course Olly loves the sound of his own voice, but only in solitude; sure, Helen can bake, but it’s nothing really (on the other hand, talking shit every week is high art); and Martin the Sound Man posits that not only is Elvis not alive now, he was also not alive during most of his life. You still following?
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) Helen wonders how a duck foetus ends up in a glass of champagne on a tasting menu – and moreover why anybody would think that is a suitable first date drink.
Also not suitable for a first date, but perfectly suitable for most other times, is sending us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT271 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Opens with an email about Consenting Adults’ Bedsports, but other than that, very clean, even swear-wise.
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domain dosh
September 12, 2013
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Pat from Canada is taking a gamble with gamblers:
In regards to your recent podcasts about domain names I thought you would find it interesting to hear about my husband’s experience. A few months back, he received an offer of $500 for his company’s domain name. He turned it down as it wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to reestablish a new name as he has used the same one for the last 16 years.
A few days after he turned this down, he got another offer and this time it was $5000.00. He asked which company was interested and although the broker wouldn’t tell him, he managed to do a little online sleuthing around the area code of the broker and the initials of his company’s name and it appears that a very large US gaming and casino company is involved!
He told the broker that it would take a lot more money to get him to give up the domain name and we are waiting to hear their counter offer! $$$$$$
How much should we hold out for?
You could do some research into similar cases and the amounts large companies paid for domains. Or you could think of a pleasing amount of money, then double it, then add another decimal point or two to compensate your husband’s business for the hassle it would cause to change it.
Go on, readers: how much would you sell it for?
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Lest there be any doubt, zombie questions continue to be off limits at AMT
September 11, 2013
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Henry in Vancouver, Canada thinks he’s some kind of rebel:
Hearing your notice not to send in zombie questions last week naturally made me think of some sort of check-mate scenario in that regard. With that in mind, Olly, answer me this, what is the plan for your cat in some sort of Zombie-centric emergency?
NO, HENRY. NO. NO.
And now there’s Joel:
Do the BBC and other such channels have actually have a system for a nationwide crisis, such as a zombie attack?
The answer to the sensible portion of your question is ‘Yes’. My response to the latter part is NO, JOEL, NO NO NO NO NO FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Honestly. You people.
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foghorn friend
September 10, 2013
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Our last questioneer was rescued from herself by a friend; but our latest correspondent Anon cannot face doing the same for his/her friend:
I’m a pretty big nerd and pretty much all of my friends are the same. We’re not totally without social graces, but there are a few quirks among our group and as someone who hangs out with the general “nerdy” type I’ve come to accept or ignore most of them. But one of my closest friends has a foible that I have a harder time with.
This person speaks LOUDLY. In general conversation they have a voice that carries, and while this isn’t so bad, when they get even remotely excited about something (which is often) they are practically screaming.
Now, this person isn’t doing it to be rude or strong arm the conversation. They are generally one of the nicest and most considerate people I know. But when we are in a small area like a car or small room this often hurts my ears, and I’ve seen other people react subtly but similarly to it. Out at restaurants this quirk gets us annoyed stares, and depending on our subject matter, worse.
I have once or twice tried to nicely say “Ooh we’re (or you’re) getting loud and excited we should quiet down”, but this doesn’t seem to stick and I feel like an asshole for saying it because I know this person is a little bit sensitive. I’ve also tried speaking lowly to try and model or encourage this person to lower their voice, but it hasn’t worked.
I have no idea how else to handle this, or even if it can be handled. I really love my friend, but I’d really like to be able to communicate this to them without hurting their feelings. I know I’d like to know if I did this. Answer me this: is there a way to deal with this problem and not offend my friend?
You have already tried the gentle approach and, while it didn’t offend your friend, it didn’t shut them up either. If you’re still not willing to broach the subject directly with them, entreat one of your bolder mutual friends to do it instead. Alternatively, here are some options:
1. When your friend gets loud, ostentatiously put in earplugs. If that doesn’t register, upgrade to large noise-cancelling headphones. Eg the kind that people wear whilst chainsawing.
2. From a theatrical prop supplier, buy some of those wineglasses that are safe to smash. With your nerd-friends, rig up a gadget so you can smash the glasses remotely. When Captain Shouty gets shouty, detonate.
3. Contract laryngitis, then give it to your friend.
4. Pay somebody to dress as a librarian and follow your friend around. Whenever your friend exceeds a certain volume, the librarian disapprovingly shushes them. After a couple of weeks, the message should have sunk in.
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bad vibes
September 10, 2013
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Bitchy Resting Face has been one of the success stories of the year, but it’s not proving so successful for Leah:
Last weekend whilst discussing my historic lack of success with menfolk, my friend commented that I can’t complain as I do have a “massive fuck-off vibe”.
I’m not denying this for a moment. I spent the entirety of my teenage years carefully cultivating an attitude that I hoped was halfway between Morrissey’s supposed asexuality and Destiny’s Child’s ‘Independent Woman’, as a way, I guess, to hide the fact I was a bit scared of all that funny business.
The thing is, this has kinda stuck and as I approach my twentieth birthday I realise I have absolutely no clue of how to not give the impression that I would rather eat my own vomit than talk to the person trying to chat me up.
It sounds ridiculous, but answer me this: how do I make myself seem more approachable after years of trying to do the exact opposite?
TOO LATE. The wind changed and your face has stuck that way*. By the grand old age of 20, all habits are so deeply ingrained that it’ll be IMPOSSIBLE to change them. Enjoy dying alone, Leah!
Oh, don’t look at me like that, Leah – I’m just joshing, no need for the Murder Stare! By recognising the problem, you’ve already begun to tackle it. Practice in non-pulling situations. For instance: when in the company of other humans, try to arrange your features in such away that they don’t appear hostile. Replicate the open body language of less forbidding characters than you. Learn to ask people a few polite questions about their lives. Feign interest in the answers. If you puke in your mouth, disguise it behind a welcoming smile.
That’s for starters. Readers, what would you recommend Leah try next in her deMorrissification program? Advise in the comments.
*Seriously though, does anyone understand what that expression is about?
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EPISODE 270 – you don’t want a Newton’s Cradle happening in your pants
September 5, 2013
Hello,
At the time of recording Answer Me This! Episode 270 dicksmack.org*, the domain name bandied around in last week’s episode, was still available. But within minutes of today’s episode becoming available, it seems one enterprising listener snapped it up. If it’s any comfort, dicksmack.com is still available…
* Apologies to any listener called Dick S. Mack for any upset all this may have caused
On today’s agenda:
ostrich eggs
symmetrical balls
gorilla balls
the ‘guess the price of the scarves’ game
book blurbs
jam vs conserve
supernatural forces vs scientific forces
Zara vs Liberty
Rick Stein’s signature vs George Orwell’s signature
Frankenstein’s monster’s education
celebrity community service
the LingerieLegends Football League
the We’re the Millers trailer
and
zombies.
Plus: Olly’s binders full of women are very well organised; Helen insists on having a Pocket full of articles to keep her diverted during boring shopping trips; and Martin the Sound Man finally reveals what his PhD was in. Wait – he didn’t just buy it off the internet?
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) includes Olly’s impression of every Stephen King film ever. Has to be heard to be believed.
Please be so kind as to send us your QUESTIONS (unless they’re about zombies, in which case don’t): leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Oh, and if you want to buy a signed copy of the AMT book, and to support a terrific independent bookshop by doing so, ask Bookseller Crow for one.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT270 Child-Friendly Rating: 36%. F-bomb detonates within first minute of the show, followed by discussion about dicksmack.org, and the dick-related things that site could potentially contain. Several swears. Early question about testicles. Safe waters in the middle of the show, but ends with a question about a sport that is essentially fap-material.
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page turners
September 4, 2013••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT269 •••
We thank the many of you who sent in very knowledgable-sounding feedback upon last week’s topic of pianists’ page-turners. As well as some very informative comments about the system, our inbox has received so many emails that it was difficult to choose which to present to you here; but we ended up choosing this one from Cassandra because she sounds so cheerful:
Greetings!! I am parked outside the Cheesecake Factory restaurant in Fairfax, Virginia listening to your episode on page turners for pianists and orchestras. I was so excited I knew the answer I had to hold off on buying cherry cheesecake until I could answer it.
I can help!! I am a violinist and in an orchestra the string players are always grouped by twos: two musicians to a music stand where they share the music.
When it comes to the point of the page turn, it is the “inside player” who does the page turning. This means that the musician who is closet to the audience/edge of stage always continues playing while the inside person pauses for a few seconds, flips the page, and then continues playing. This ensures no break in the music. It is essentially universal, this method.
However, I teach high school orchestra students and there is usually a pretty lengthy “debate” on who has to turn pages, meaning “I am a senior and you are a freshman and I don’t care that you are the outside, you are turning my pages, blah blah blah.” It’s amusing to listen to and then correct them that no, you really do need to turn the pages for the freshman since you are on the inside.
BTW – my younger sister has turned pages for a pianist before, harder than it looks as you have to turn them EXACTLY when they indicate and you have to be able to read music (she played piano herself), or they swear at you under their breath 😉
Now I need cheesecake.
You go get that cheesecake, Cassandra! Thanks for the information. And thanks also to Adam for suggesting something to watch whilst gobbling the cheesecake:
Did you ever watch The Page Turner? It was a very boring movie about some lesbian pageturner who started an affair with a pianist wife of a family.
I didn’t; and now you’ve told me what happens, and that it’s very boring, I will continue to not watch it.
If any of the rest of you are tempted, however…
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Amanda Palmer party
September 4, 2013Just a normal game of Balderdash down at Amanda Palmer’s place
••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT269 •••
Oh look – problems arise from musicians doing gigs in fans’ houses even when Pete Doherty is not there. See this missive from Alex:
I am a big fan of musician Amanda Palmer. She recently allowed fans to pay $5,000 (around £3,000) for her to come and attend a house party – she comes, plays music, hangs out with you and up to 50 people; much fun is had by all.
I attended one of these parties last week, and have just been approached by somebody else I know, who is holding one in October, and has a spare space if I want to attend. With the number of people attending, it will cost me £85 – an equal portion of the $5,000.
BUT, this $5,000 also includes a bunch of other merchandise – which was available to buy separately for a total of about £1,000.
I asked the person who paid for the party about this ‘extra merchandise’, and she informed me that she just kept all of the extra stuff, because she had paid for the package using her dad’s life insurance money. She deemed this fair because if he hadn’t died nobody would be able to go.
So, answer me this – is it right for her to do this? Essentially getting almost £1,000 worth of merchandise and tickets for free? Or am I right in thinking that, since the things were worth £1,000 she should do the same as the party I attended, and only charge the guests about £2,000 – costing about £40-50 each?
Readers, what do you make of this? Chip in in the comments.
“Is it right?” Eh… Not especially, but on the other hand, your friend took the financial risk of a $5,000 outlay without knowing that she’d definitely recoup most of it. Furthermore, I think that choosing to spend £1,000 on the merch is different to receiving merch worth £1,000 as part of a whole package you’re buying. In your friend’s mind, the £1,000 of merch is probably not worth £1,000 actual money. So the fair thing to do would be for her to divide the merch amongst the fifty gig attendees, wouldn’t it?
If, however, you feel that a segment of Amanda Palmer vinyl is not making up your financial shortfall: bear in mind your friend is supplying the party venue. Your challenge is to eat £1,000-worth of party snacks.
Answer Me This! Podcast 