As Halloween approaches, in Answer Me This! Episode 276 we wonder how it is that in films, adorable little girls become UTTERLY TERRIFYING. See above. Then listen below:
We also consider:
Cineworld Stevenage Stars in their Eyes
the most tree-filled city in Europe
pound shops
Lisa Stansfield
working night shifts Freddo bars
Bon Jovi vs Dr Alban
Midlands canals vs Venetian canals
the Clee Hills vs the Urals
the Torquay Eye
Chinese restaurants
Stoptober, Movember and Dickember
and
balti.
Plus: Olly gets busy with the passover plate; you can sponsor Helen next time she’s buying posh chocolate; and Martin the Sound Man gets a whole question about his birthplace, Birmingham! Beware: the Brummie beast is unleashed…
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we tackle a question from Ali from Cambridge, who after her recent break-up is gripped by the urge to chop her hair off. Classic technique, Ali.
We do want your whelming facts about Birmingham, or even your own hometown, but most of all we want your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT276 Child-Friendly Rating: 87%. A couple of swears, though the strongest are quoting a child, Regan in The Exorcist.
AMTfans, it’s very important that you understand the consequences of asking us a question. By emailing or voicemailing your question, you are giving us permission to use it in a public form. And we are NOT responsible for the consequences in your own private life.
And lo, following the question of yucky child portraits in AMT275, we received the following email from Jenny:
Instead of just letting your wife’s godmother paint a portrait of your children and hanging it in the spare room, it turns out the correct way to handle the situation is to submit a question to the favourite podcast of your wife’s eldest niece, of whom a portrait has already been painted, under the name of ‘Dave’, and then the said niece accidentally blurts out the entire thing to her favourite auntie…
Oops, sorry uncle Dunstan
Ruh roh! If it’s any comfort, Daveunstan, now that your secret is out, you probably won’t have to worry about your godmother-in-law bothering to paint your children any more.
Elise has sent something stronger – a cupful of piping hot rage:
Really Olly? Americans are children because we like pumpkin spice lattes? That’s an ironic statement coming from the man who’s so infantilized that he regularly goes to Disney World and will happily tell people that he went to a character breakfast with Mickey. On purpose!
A man who is probably trying to convince his fiance that a Disney wedding would be romantic. A man so infantilized that when the store keeper told him how to take care of his furniture purchase he was appalled that he might have to do some work and take care of his toys.
You’re the child, Olly. Grow up.
Why would Olly grow up, Elise? The life you’ve described sounds amazing! Unlike a cup of coffee flavoured with gourd.
I understand their purpose, and am grateful for their existence.
However, I do not understand the purpose of the little peep flaps on boxer shorts (and any other male underwear), and their little buttons.
I have asked my male friends, they say “No! We do not use them, we do not need them.”
As a nurse I find them rather handy for threading a catheter through, but the average male does not have a catheter. I can manage lady catheters without them.
So, answer me this: do you make full use of all the boxer short features, or do you like me agree it could be done away with, thus saving the fashion industry millions?
Mira has written in to warn against the crayon diet of AMT275:
While most people consider crayons non-toxic it is important to note that the paraffin is most likely made from petroleum (although it could also be made from coal extract) and the colors are pigment powders probably also made from petrochemicals.
A study from the University of Southhampton, published in The Lancet, showed a clear correlation between increased hyperactivity and ingestion of artificial colours. There are now some studies which are looking into the possibility of a link between petroleum products and carcinogenic effect.
So eating crayons is probably not as harmless as most people think it is.
Useful to know, Mira; and readers, remember: enjoy crayons responsibly.
Readers, go to the comments and offer your answers to this riddle from Tara:
I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for 11 months now. At the weekend, we began to talk about what to do for our one year anniversary (particularly special as neither of us has reached this milestone before).
We talked about re-living our first date; going to the same place to eat then out for cocktails then, being the classy individuals we are, fucking in a park.
But then the conversation turned to presents. He said he knew what he was going to get me. Being a nosy girl, I asked for clues and he came up with one, extremely cryptic pointer:
“Michael Jackson meets bees”…
So, answer me this: what could this mean?! I’m so confused! I can’t think of two things that could be less related! Or that I’m less interested in…
Famous plastic surgery plus stinging…I think I’ve got it! Your boyfriend is getting you a faceful of Botox. Happy anniversary!
In writing this post, we’ve learnt that the paintings of Helen Daniels are SO dreadful, even Google Images refuses to index many of them. There’s not even an ironic Tumblr collection! The image above was the only shot we could find of the Kennedy klan’s portrait, but it remains as powerfully repellant as ever.
Why have we waved this horrifying visual in front of your eyes? Listen to Answer Me This! Episode 275 to discover:
On today’s slate:
the British Museum
loans for kids
Colosseum 4 Kids
pet heirs
Sir Hans Sloane
covered bridges
melting marshmallows
and
crayon-eating.
Plus: Olly is waiting for the long overdue system update for wooden furniture; Helen’s swerving from pumpkin-spiced lattes; and Martin the Sound Man has identified the point at which he left childhood for adulthood: when he started fancy-talking about his excrement.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Helen readies herself for the inevitable call asking her to join Gladiators if they ever rereboot it. She may not be match fit, but she’s got her name all picked out.
Until that happens, we will continue to do battle with your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
This episode was brought to you by the largesse of squarespace.com, who are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10 after you’ve used up your two weeks’ free website-building experimental phase.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT275 Child-Friendly Rating: 98%. Educational content; clean language apart from the word ‘shat’. Not bad going, eh?
There’s a grand heritage of stupid ways through which to discover the sex of your unborn baby. The Chinese gender calculator. That thing where someone dangles a wedding ring on a string over the bump and observes in which direction it swings. Apparently if you walk with your right foot first, it’s a boy, but if your left boob is bigger, it’s a girl. And in the 15th-century Distaff Gospels, they recommended sprinkling salt on the head of a sleeping mother, then waiting till she wakes up and says a name, the gender of which will be the same as the baby.
But Clare from Sutton Coldfield suggests people shun all these:
Having listened to the latest episode whilst feeding my five week old baby, I felt the need to wade into the “find out or not debate”.
Conversely to Helen I did not want to find out the sex as I was hoping for a girl and knew I could only cope with a boy if I actually had my baby in my arms rather than worrying about it for months. (I had a girl, panic over!!)
The other point worth remembering is that scans can be misread. We have friend who were told in two scans they were having a girl only to have a boy. I guess not knowing is an easier surprise to handle than this!
Hmm. I wonder if the salt-on-head method is more accurate than the scans.
Many of you have piped up to defend thissortofthing, including James:
In AMT274, Helen said Kevin Bacon ‘didn’t need to do the EE adverts’. Sadly he does – he and his wife lost SOOOOOO much of his money due to the Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. I think it’s also why he’s doing The Following on TV.
After I found out this, I kind of gave him a free pass in those ads.
Yes – although, when I said ‘need’, I meant artistically rather than financially. And despite all they did lose, the residue of the Bacon-Sedgwick fortune is still probably rather more than the contents of the piggybanks belonging to you, me and all the AMT listeners combined.
Nevertheless, I wouldn’t mind the EE ads so much if they recreated Tremors, using Apple Maps to confuse the Graboids into destroying the wrong town. Or Diner, with Steve Guttenberg telling Kevin off for using a mobile phone at the table. Or Flatliners, about what happens when EE’s 3G reception conks out.
Supplementary learning now thanks to Lee from Cambridge (the one in the US):
I just finished listening to your latest episode 274, in which you discuss the strangeness of the US chain of command.
First, a definition: the President Pro Tempore of the Senate is the leader of the party in power in the Senate (currently Patrick Leahy). He runs the Senate when the President of the Senate isn’t around to do so. Who is the President of the Senate? Why, it’s the Vice President of the US, since there has to be something for Biden to do other than waiting for Obama to die.
Secondly, it’s totally charming that you think we have something approaching a functional parliamentary system! Bless! You cannot call a special presidential election in the US, it states in the Constitution that the presidential elections occur every four years on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
Presidents are also now constitutionally barred from serving for more than two terms, so George W. Bush couldn’t have hung on for a while; it would (most likely) have gone down the normal chain of succession into the new House and Senate.
Thanks Lee. Previously we got all our information about the order of spare presidents from the Kevin Kline film Dave. In fact we get all our information about everything from Kevin Kline films*. Between In and Out, Sophie’s Choice, The Ice Storm and A Fish Called Wanda, most matters of import are taken care of.
*A few dozen of which are available on LoveFilm, for which you can have a free month-long trial via answermethispodcast.com/lovefilm. We get free money if you do so; you get to glut yourself on Kevin Kline masterpieces. And Kevin Kline gets…to be Kevin Kline. So everyone’s happy.
Pop the balloons and start gathering all the empties for recycling, because party-ender Katie from Christchurch has been back in touch:
Thanks so much for answering my question about party guests in episode 273.
Olly, thanks, yes, I am a square (but a v lively and fun one until 10pm, I’ll have you know). As it happened the party did start at 2, we played board games and drank wine, most people left at 8, then two people stayed for another TWO AND A HALF HOURS while I fidgeted in my chair and suppressed yawns.
Lesson learned, next time they get an end time, as suggested.
Admittedly, Katie, the last two stragglers are particularly difficult to shift, even if you do institute a closing time. The presence of the other makes each feel that they’re not overstaying their welcome.
Maybe what you need to do is make a big deal of a post-party engagement you yourself have to get to, so they remember they’re obligated to leave your house. March them out with you, then pretend you’ve forgotten something and need to dash back home to get it. At which point, you barricade the front door and take to your bed.
Why even bother listening to Answer Me This! Episode 274 when you can book PAT SHARP AND THE TWINS to come and do Fun House with you????
Once the disappointment has faded that they don’t actually bring the house with them, they just conjure it in words, then you might as well hear today’s episode:
In which we discuss:
Leonard Cohen’s party anthems
parliamentary mutterings
winking
Anne Robinson vs Doris Day
Bourbon biscuits vs Bourbon boozes Breaking Bad vs Streetmate
Bud Lite Platinum vs Old Speckled Hen Platinum Scandal
Justin Timberlake’s part-time jobs
spare American presidents
and six degradations of Kevin Bacon.
Plus: Olly is NOT a winker, whatever you’ve heard; Helen will waive all usual constitutional structure for Michelle Obama; and Martin the Sound Man is happier than you’ve ever heard him. Possibly happier than he’s ever been. Including his wedding day.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Olly worries about being out-butched by a baby. Accept what you cannot change, Olly.
You can change AMT by sending in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And you could also change the education of young people by helping Martin raise funds for the charity Arts Emergency: they’ll receive all proceeds of his concept album with Mark Burrows, Kill It With Fire.
You can also give us a bit of money without actually giving us your own money: just take our free LoveFilm trial. With it, you can stream The Perks of Being a Wallflower (as well as thousands of other films and televisuals) then tell us whether you concur with our opinion voiced in AMT233.
Even if you can’t be arsed to do any of those fairly low-stress things, please join us again next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
AMT274 Child-Friendly Rating: 95%. Bit of mid-level swearing right off the mark, but otherwise an episode largely free of ribaldry and profanity. Child-appropriate topics including Fun House, biscuits and Doris Day. The kids are fairly likely to zone out during the politics stuff.
Answer Me This! Podcast 