Balls in a basket

January 5, 2009 by

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part II **

You may remember that in Episode 77 I gave juggling a thorough dressing-down for being not only a tiresome entertainment (unless fire or chainsaws are involved) but also a wholly impractical method of transporting multiple balls.

Now, although I would strongly advise all of you against taking anything I ever say literally, in this case it amused me greatly that Stu and Maddy in Cambridge did. Says Stu:

After your comments on juggling, one of Maddy’s Christmas presents to me was a set of juggling balls – plus a plastic basket to carry them around in, thus rendering them inert in the attached picture.

balls in a basket

Listeners, you make me so proud.

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shitting from a great height

December 27, 2008 by

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Jack from Leeds is even more useful at answering questions than we are. A few weeks ago he dealt with correct pizza-ordering etiquette; today, he tackles the shitting-off-the-Eiffel-Tower issue from Episode 79:

Helen said that the falling turd would quite seriously injure someone below.

It wouldn’t.

I’m sure you have heard of the myth where dropping a coin of the empire state building would cause a crack in the pavement.

It wouldn’t.

Let us assume we are using a standard 10p coin. This weighs in at a hefty 6.5 grams. Using a quick calculation (which I can’t be bothered to do now, but I have done in the past), we can calculate the terminal velocity of the object, which we assume the coin reaches on the way down. This isn’t nearly fast enough to even break the skin on the skull. You may receive a sharp knock, and someone with a low pain threshold might bruise, but it certainly wouldn’t be fatal.

Now, a turd is nice and squishy, and thus the impact on the head would take longer, and, as I’m sure a couple of university graduates like you two know, this reduces the force of the impact. So, it would cause incredibly little pain, if any at all!

Falling crap ≠ Pain on head.

It’s wonderfully reassuring to know that one can walk around the bottom of the Eiffel Tower without fearing death from turd-inflicted head injury. However, Dame Caution would still advise taking an umbrella.

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Today, class, I am going to make you blush

December 27, 2008 by

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Since Daniel from Gosport raised the subject in Episode 79, we’ve been very much enjoying your tales of embarrassing teachers. Miranda has another doozy:

The most embarrassing thing my teacher has ever said to me was during my sex education lessons in GCSEs. She first asked us who had had sex, and insisted we all put our hand up if we had. After about 10 mins of this half the class had their hands up, and then went on to talk about the positions she had done, and how it was enjoyable.

I wonder what her motive was for such bizarre behaviour. Perhaps she was trying to cement the link between sex and extreme shame, so that you all keep your pants on well into your thirties, thus dropping the teen pregnancy rate.

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What do you get…

December 27, 2008 by

…if you cross Martin the Sound Man and a £5 Santa suit?

Santa the Sound Man

Santa the Sound Man

Answer us this: what about this could have caused our two-year-old niece to scream for an hour? Ingrate.

** Click here to listen to the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

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Merry vs Happy

December 24, 2008 by

Here’s a festive question from Robert from Philadelphia:

Where does Merry come from, like in Merry Christmas? And why do Americans say Merry Christmas and the Brits say Happy Christmas?

Robert, what a lovely gift for me to be allowed to get my etymological dictionary out. ‘Merry’ comes from the Old English ‘myrige’, which meant pleasant or delightful. It was just as popular in Britain as in America until killjoys like the Queen thought it was a bit too redolent of the other meaning of merry, ie drunken. So ‘Happy Christmas’ became popular too, at least until the Queen decides that it is too redolent of the other meaning of happy, ie coked up to the eyeballs.

Anyway, we are feeling very Merry and Happy at Answer Me This! because we’ve been included in iTunes’ Best of 2008 Podcasts! And on a related note, be sure to check back in on Christmas Day for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I.

Photographic proof - best of 2008, baby!

Photographic proof - best of 2008, baby!

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EPISODE 80 – pigs in cardigans

December 18, 2008 by


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Santa

Ho ho ho, listeners! Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat – yet another species succumbs to the obesity epidemic. But at least Answer Me This! Episode 80 is calorie-free and takes up none of your Weightwatchers treat points! Try it.

All this week’s questions are Christmas-related, so lodged within the episode like the Little Baby Jesus in the manger are topics including:

cats shitting tinsel
Larry Dean Stewart
Stevie Wonder’s hair
iPhones
advent calendars
elves vs. Argos
the three wise men
ballottine (translation: turducken)
Santa as chambermaid
plumb lines
wine coolers vs. The Da Vinci Code
Father Textmas
and
FIVE GO-OLD RINGS!

Plus some lovely messages from you listeners, and a special treat from Martin the Sound Man. Indeed, if you missed his gift from last year, you can hear it now before we take it to the charity shop:

Along with satsumas, chocolate coins and stripey socks, what we really want for Christmas is some QUESTIONS from you – either drop them down our chimney or, more practically, email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype answermethis or phone 0208 123 5877, and we’ll get cracking on them in the new year. Meanwhile, in between picking dog-hair out of the brandy butter and swearing at the broken fairy-lights, we’ll be tackling some more of your questions right here on this very website, so keep coming to visit!

We’ll be back on Christmas Day with The Best of Answer Me This! 2008, Part I, which will be full of Incredible Moments from this monumental year in amateur British podcasting, as well as some extra special never-before-podcasted footage. Just the thing to fill in a few minutes between the family row and the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.

Falalalalala-lalalala!

Helen and Olly

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Class, it’s time for a glimpse of my private life

December 16, 2008 by

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

Happily, Daniel from Gosport‘s tale of his artificially tumescent teacher in Episode 79 has compelled you lot to share other stories of embarrassing teachers. First, Adz from Birmingham:

In English, 2 years ago, my teacher was quite attractive. Actually, she wasn’t all that, but she once unknowingly let me see an awesome cleavage shot. Anyway, she was typing on the computer which was linked up to the whiteboard so everything she typed was projected. She wrote “Analysis” (we were studying Shakespeare), but stopped at the L, and left it there deliberately.

Another time, she told us about how she was having a *family* discussion with her brother about how he uses his nasal hair trimmer for his pubes. The she went all red-faced and shut up while the whole class sat there in stunned silence.

Twice shudder-inducing. But which is worse, teachers trying to be bawdy or funny? Cri from Sudbury‘s teacher attempted a double combo:

The weirdest thing one of my teachers has ever said is “My name is Helga, I am a Transylvanian transvestite.”

His name was Steve and he was an English electronics teacher. It was scary

This reminds me of the first time I met my piano teacher, when I was eleven. He was wearing a vividly-patterned jumper, and said, “This isn’t a jumper, this is my skin!” Later, when the room was choked with the smell of his sweat, he said, “The room smells funny – I think it’s these biscuits.” I have never encountered a digestive biscuit before or since which had an odour akin to human B.O., but perhaps I have led an unusually sheltered existence.

Any more for any more? Comment below, please! Or, if you yourself are an embarrassing teacher, do share your favourite cringe-making manoeuvres!

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Hi there. Have you seen my crotch?

December 15, 2008 by

** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

In Episode 79 Stephen asked what the point is of neckties; and Sarah from Gaytown has a theory, albeit one that suggests she has ONE THING ON HER MIND:

Ties aren’t for anything more than to draw attention to the penis. Which is why it has an arrow right to the crotch.

Girls ought to go after bow ties – smart and wants his face to be seen before his cock.
Then again he might not have much to point to.

Sarah from Gaytown, we think we may have found your perfect chap:

nothing to do with the genitals

Bow ties: nothing to do with the genitals

Phwoar and phwoar again.

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EPISODE 79 – beans, beans, good for your luck

December 11, 2008 by


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Listeners! Pause for a moment from multiple-voting for Thingy, Whatsit or The Other One on X Factor, or from clearing the shelves of Woollies lest you never see a cheap socket set again; for Answer Me This! Episode 79 awaits.

Messing up the white noise this week are such subjects as:
the Manic Street Preachers
Oregon
gynaecologists
Peekaboo
Bugsy Malone
Radio 4 smash hit The Department
drama teachers
gait vs. gate
spontaneity vs. arrest
Wii vs. World of Warcraft
Will vs. Gareth vs. sanity
and
the troll Zeus.

Plus, Olly reminisces about his cross-dressing years; Helen delights the pervs with racy talk of LADIES’ BRAS; and Martin the Sound Man is more stumped by a bow tie than by quantum physics. We knew he must have an Achilles Heel; we just didn’t expect it to be a foot long and made of black satin.

It’s coming up to Christmas and we want to find lots and lots of your QUESTIONS in our stockings – or, more appropriately, in our inbox at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our phonebox via Skype ID answermethis or phone number 0208 123 5877. But as well as that, we would love to have festive voice messages from you lovely lot to play in next week’s episode, so please call and leave us a nice little message! Pretty please! We’ve been SO good this year!

See you next Thursday, for the special Christmas edition of Answer Me This!,

Helen and Olly

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More namealikes!

December 10, 2008 by

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Since last week’s batch of namealikes, Peter from Chicago has written in to point out:

I had thought proper term was “googleganger.” It was one of the “new words” of 2007.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=googleganger
http://wordie.org/words/googleganger
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-googleganger.htm

Hmm – “googleganger” sounds a little bit too ‘prison shower’ for our tastes, so fingers crossed for ‘namealike’ as an early entrant into the new words of 2009. Anyway, on with your titular twins!

Says Joe List:

When I googled myselfI  found this guy… http://www.myspace.com/joelist
He’s a stand up comedian from Queens. But he’s not funny at all.
I’m an animator/designer and I don’t make jokes about chicks. I don’t even say ‘chicks’.

So, little common ground between the Joe Lists. What about the Andrew from New Yorks?:

There is only one other person that I have ever found with my same name, he also lives in New York, but while I am a Forensic Scientist working for the police, my internet doppelganger is an Ukrainian Dance instructor/architect.

It’s fascinating enough that one man could be at once an architect and a Ukrainian dance instructor, let alone that his namealike has a job which ITV would make into a long-running drama series. Can any other listeners top that? Perhaps Paul Styles:

My namealike is an American wrestler called (you guessed it) Paul Styles.
His full stage name is Paul ‘The Role Model’ Styles. All the good nicknames must have been taken.

Cor! But let’s take a break now from all that showbiz and see who’s sharing the good name of Elizabeth in Aylesbury:

It turns out I’m a Barrister and a Lesbian and Gay rights campaigner, which is a million miles from what I do as I am a straight lady and a Sales Advisor in a department store.

For some reason, few of you are considering a namealike-inspired career change, even though for some of you it is pretty much already fixed up for you. Take, for instance, Tom T:

My namesake is an electrician who lives round the corner from my house, which explains why I’ve had phonecalls asking to do building jobs.

You should keep up the pretence, Tom T! You’re missing out on a not insubstantial hourly rate.

Finally, let’s check in with the Stan Dennings:

Imagine my surprise when I discovered my name-alike to be none other than the unnervingly hairy ‘Pastor Stan Denning’ and was introduced to the organisation ‘Marantha Motorcycle Ministry’, who according to their website have a desire to ‘promote God’s love and grace in the motorcycle community’.

Well, someone needs to do it.

If YOU have an inapt namealike, please tell us all about him/her in the comments below!

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The future Queen – doing her bit.

December 10, 2008 by

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Leave it to the Away team to point out the glaring errors in our knowledge of modern British history…  Olly spent a portion of Episode 78 fantasising about the young Queen Elizabeth II doing her bit for the war effort on the tanks, and not even knowing that she would one day be crowned Fairy Princess of the West; suffice to say that, like most biopics, this misty-palmed reverie was lacking a little in the ‘factual accuracy’ department.

Fortunately, a couple of our Stateside listeners have been in touch to restore the ‘edu’ to the ‘edutainment’. Firstly, Nancy from Pennsylvania points out:

When the Queen was working on jeeps and such during the war, her father was already the King. Meaning, she knew she was going to be the Queen. Olly said that her father was not yet King when she was doing her bit. Wrong!

Peter from Chicago even shows his working (albeit relying upon the encyclopaedia equivalent of a tombola):

I checked on en.wikipedia.org, King George VI’s reign began on 11 December 1936, well before the start of World War II. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_VI_of_the_United_Kingdom)

Since his daughter Elizabeth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II) was the granddaughter of King George V (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V_of_the_United_Kingdom), she was a princess from the time she was born (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#Heiress_presumptive).

She joined the WATS in 1945, and yes, she was mechanic and truck driver. (Would you say lorry driver?) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#World_War_II)

Now THAT’s another tip-top movie plot: the young queen as a trucker!  Follow the future monach as she pluckily trundles up and down the B-roads, scratching her balls and subsisting off three fried breakfasts a day!  I’m sure one could persuade Helen Mirren to take the role again.

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EPISODE 78 – appointment with Doctor Fun

December 4, 2008 by


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week was a toughie for us, listeners…because it was the first time ever we’ve shouldered through a podcast without Martin the Sound Man. Our beloved third wheel was off games after a nasty stomach upset. Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone…but there’s still Episode 78, so get listening!

This week, lining the streets of Talkytown are:

Mrs William Hague
cribbage
Richard X vs. various artists
Liberty X vs. Jesus
chance vs. skill
the Queen vs. the career of Kylie Minogue
infants vs. coffee
anaesthesia
the Weekly World News
Cameron Diaz
L. Ron Hubbard
the best Japanese restaurant in Crystal Palace
Perudo
the many moods of Zeus
Sheffield
and
Sam Taylor-Wood.

Plus, Olly gets into low-level gambling; Helen yearns for Einstein’s twin brother; and Martin the Sound Man, of course, malingers on his sick bed – but if you need your weekly fix, download the new episode of his music podcast. Or go and stand outside his work and wait for him to come out.

Martin’s completely better now so there’s no need to send any get well cards or bunches of flowers, but there’s always a need to send us a QUESTION, which you can do by Skypeing answermethis, phoning 0208 123 5877 or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Don’t make us beg!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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