Answer Me This! Podcast

Three-way at the altar?

September 16, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

So what have you kids got to say about last week’s episode?

Doug from Winnipeg, Canada writes:

I was interested to hear why seven years’ bad luck is thought to be the penalty for breaking a mirror. As the father of a family of Harry Potter fans I immediately thought that the Roman idea of seven-part broken souls must have been an inspiration to Ms. Rowling. I suspect that legal representatives for ancient Rome will be contacting her shortly requesting prompt payment of their share of book royalties.

Holy shit, Doug, are you suggesting that not all the ideas in the Pottery are entirely original? Call up Bloomsbury Books and give ’em hell! Then call up the Roman Empire and tell them they might be on schedule for a comeback.

On a completely unrelated note, Dave asks us this:

After listening to episode 108 I too have a best man-related question. Please help.

The man I want to ask, my best friend, has also in the past had a sexual interaction with my partner. Now my partner thinks this is a little weird. What should I do?

Your lady should hardly be surprised, Dave, that best friends have something in common. But that something would more conventionally be a mutual love of Aston Villa or watercolour landscapes, not her in a state of Rudeness. Perhaps she fears improper thoughts will assault her as the three of you stand in front of the altar, and leave her the wrong sort of blushing bride. Perhaps she fears the secrets that might spill forth during his best man speech. Perhaps she knows more about him than you do and simply doesn’t want a total sexual deviant to be your best man.

Whatever the reason, we are fairly sure of two things: 1. you really don’t want to find out more about it; 2. you don’t want to be forced to choose between your best friend and your wife elect. But listeners, what do you think?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

EPISODE 108 – improvised foreskin

September 10, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Good morning, fellows,

Answer Me This! Episode 108 is one for the record-books! Why? Is it the world’s fastest-ever podcast? No. Is it the world’s fattest-ever podcast? Possibly… Oh, shut up. Actually, the superlative achievement we refer to is this: in today’s episode, we read out our longest-ever question. Yes! You excited? Tarry no longer:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

As well as the behemoth question, we talk about:

Lady Sovereign
the Romans
cuttlefish
head ushers
pierced kidneys
Coinstar machines
sex in tents
Sinitta
Brian Wilson
Mr Bean
and
groats.

Furthermore, Olly displays a surprisingly delicate sensibility towards the bare-chested ladies of Page 3; Helen blames a broken mirror for her sub-par exam results, rather than the fact that she was too lazy to do any revision; and Martin the Sound Man will soon be auditioning for a new Best Man – mint-condition applicants ONLY, please; he’s not taking anyone else’s cast-offs.

This episode also comes with illustrations! Like Storyteller magazine – ‘ting!’ when you turn the page, etc etc – only in this case, your cue is when you hear us talking about grisly piercings, at which point you may want to view these pictures (SFW, don’t worry).

If you have any unusual body-art you feel compelled to share with us – or, preferably, you have some QUESTIONS for us, please get in touch: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Plus if you’re a cheapskate with a bit of advice for William from Larne’s student budget, please leave it in a comment below (don’t worry, it’s totally free).

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: adornments, air travel, camping, dilemmas, etymology, festivals, friendship, hygiene, manners, money, penises, pets, piercings, public indecency, romance, sex, sleeping, Stanmore, superstition, swimming, weddings
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Piercings illustrated

September 10, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Here are the pictures which accompany Jessii’s tale of two piercings in Episode 108.

Exhibit A: the aftermath of the arm piercing

Obviously not a particularly desirable bodily adornment, but much less grisly than we were expecting; it looks like a pair of coldy nostrils.

Exhibit B: pierced hips

Riveting!

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Posted in visuals | 19 Comments »

uber question!

September 10, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 107 **

We’ve had a plea for help from Alex:

One of my friends is the type of person who argues for the sake of it. He has the ability to reduce people to tears with his ignorance and petulance when arguing or even generally conversating with him.

For example – I asked him what the name of the tiny spaces in between the teeth on a comb are? I said there isn’t a name for it, it’s just one of them things. He wouldn’t let it lie, hunting me down at work, in the pub, via email and text message to give me his interpretation of said question.

I can’t take it anymore, that’s why I’m coming to you for help…

Please can you furnish me one question that will stump him and finally let me win one argument?

Listeners, this is definitely one for you. Unleash your inner pedant, gather your strength and please add your unanswerable questions to the comments below.

PS. Although, “Why are we all here?” has yet to be solved, so Alex might do well to try that first.

PPS. According to Wikipedia and other web reference sources that are probably all quoting the same original pile of Inaccurate, the gaps between the teeth of a comb are called ‘combdrums’. Now can you two stop fighting and get on with bickering over something more useful?

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Tags: pedantry
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

ringpull news

September 10, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 107 **

It seems George from Redcar‘s ringpull collection has captured your imaginations as well as ours – or at least that of Terry from Shropshire, who emailed us to say:

After George from Redcar’s ringpull collection in episode 106 I thought you may find this article interesting. George has enough for 10 handbags and can raise awareness about sexual health in the third world with his collection – which is rather ironic I feel for someone who collects ringpulls (sorry George).

Careful, Terry – George is just doing this for a hobby; he doesn’t want to be putting homeless Brazilians out of business. OR DOES HE? There must be some reason for the collection, and that seems no less plausible than any other we can think of.

By the way – do any of the rest of you have a similarly barmy-but-impressive collection? If so, please tell us what it is in a comment below; we promise not to mock. (Unless you are a 40-year-old man with a room full of Hello Kitty emery boards, in which case we retract that promise.)

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 107 – as American as fish-bits from China

September 3, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

It’s a car-centric episode this week, as Helen tries out some technical car words, we find out what cowboys have to do with the front passenger seat, and Martin the Sound Man stands up for the innocent victims of doggers. But don’t worry, pedestrians, cyclists and pilots; there’s still more than enough material to suit you! Including stuff about canal boats. Ok? Here you go:

Aside from the aforementioned transportation flimflam, we discuss:

21 Grams vs. the Dawn of the Dead remake
Paul Merton’s mic technique
Big Bird
Cath Kidston
Al Jolson
Michael Caine’s teeth
skewering Cheryl Cole in the face
the late Pizza Piazza
Dead Set
munchkins
Worcestershire Sauce
puffer fish
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Mont Sleet
and
celebrity cocks.

Plus: Olly admits his desire for Janice the Muppet; Helen finally realises why the Zaltzman family never took holidays; and Martin’s immense knowledge about everything ever even extends to the speed limit on Britain’s inland waterways. We also give Vitamin Water the kicking it deserves. Yeah! We know you’re probably just as eager as we were to slate Vitamin Water, but if you can restrain yourself for just a mo, send us your QUESTIONS: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Vitamin Water, schmitamin water!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: cars, drinks, emasculation, fancying, genitals, gestures, horror, movies, refreshments, romance, sport, zombies
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

Rebecca from London’s boyfriend speaks!

September 2, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 106 **

Remember Rebecca from London‘s touching phonecall in Episode 105? The four years of international romance, and now that her boyfriend has finally immigrated to the same country as her, he’s living in a town a two-hour drive away and she’s living in despair?

Well, the other side of the coin has been revealed, for Mr Rebecca, AKA Androo in Brighton, has since been in touch! He says:

I’m from The Bahamas and have just recently moved back to the UK after some problems with Immigration – I had been living in London near my amazing, special ladyfriend but recently had to move to Brighton for work.

Unwittingly I have hurt her feelings, but I feel that an hour train ride is a lot easier than basically 24 hours of travel that costs around £1000 each time…so, answer me this:

How do I get my ladyfriend to stop getting drunk and calling popular internet podcasts to make me look like a twat? 🙂

Hide her phone? Pour her booze stash down the lav? Listeners, we hope you’re rooting for Androo and Rebecca as much as we are – so please comment below with your suggestions for resolving their less-long-distance relationship.

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Tags: romance
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »

Martin the Sound Man: new podcast, new video, new toy

September 2, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 106 **

Oh happy day, Martin the Sound Fans – he’s not only just released a new episode of his Sound of the Ladies podcast, but it comes with an instructional video! Click here for both.

Also, for all of you wondering since Episode 105 whether Martin would ever realise his dream of owning a Danelectro guitar, wonder no more:

All this happiness for under £200!

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Posted in Martin the Sound Man | 3 Comments »

EPISODE 106 – Queen Victoria’s toilet

August 27, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Hey, pissheads!

As the age of economic belt-tightening continues tiresomely, listener Alex from Nottingham has kindly lent us his cunning way of getting drunk on the cheap. If you want to know what his budget route to fast-track inebriation is – involves both do-gooding and personal risk! – then just bend your ear to Answer Me This! Episode 106:

And on today’s dance-card:

Brighton Pavilion
Jennifer Lopez
We Are Klang’s furniture
the asymmetry of marriage
London vs. York
Tallahassee vs. Martin’s sanity
Puritans vs. decor
Ann Widdecombe vs. the Jonas Brothers
double-barrelled surnames
the antiques of the future
Olly’s grandmother’s wallpaper
Helen’s father’s gullibility
and
the dragon in Shrek

Plus: Olly’s Big Blood Giveaway is ruined by alternative medicine; Helen is defeated by mere wallpaper; and Martin the Sound Man brings someone back from the dead, or at least wakes them up after a moderate thwack to the head. He’s a miracle-weaver! Bring your children to Answer Me This! Towers and he will bless them for £20 a head. 10% discount for two-headed babies.

Aaaanyway, if you have a problem concerning your two-headed baby, or perhaps another query of some kind, let us know! Send your QUESTIONSto answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Right, we’re off to nab the last remaining blackberries in Crystal Palace park before the birds shit on all of them, but we’ll see you next week. Bye!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: affairs, Andy Zaltzman, collections, cricket, decor, DIY, fashion, geography, hobbies, household, interviews, jobs, lavatories, marriage, medical, money, names, royalty, shame, siblings, war
Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »

Gimme a job, dickface! Sorry, I meant MISTER Dickface.

August 27, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Frankly none of your interview bloopers have quite matched up to Neal from Crawley‘s stump-shaking cringerama, as featured in Episode 105, but we realise that’s a tough act to follow, and we’re still very pleased you’ve shared with us your solecisms. Check them out HERE. Below are a few more that came into our inbox. Tanya from Twickenham recounts an awkward university interview:

I had to sit on what looked like a kitchen chair in the middle of a massive room. There were two interviewers, a man and a woman – the man was sitting on the far right side of the room on a very high chair like a barstool and the woman was sitting on a very low sofa on the far left side of the room.

I felt totally ridiculous looking from one to the other from my isolated position in the middle of the room, and I could hardly hear what the woman was asking me as she was so far away. The man picked his nose throughout the whole thing.

When I left, I tripped over the rug and crashed into the door. They didn’t offer me a place.

Another university interview Fail comes from Alex from Nottingham:

I had an interview to study medicine at UEA. I took the train down and there was a death on the track ahead; I never got the details but we got an announcement that the police had made it into a crime scene as we rushed to the coach.

Later on in my interview the interviewer asked if I had any trouble getting there and I replied, “Oh not much, I came down on the train but there was a death on the track ahead.” There was an awkward pause and so I carried on, “…Which almost made me late.” I then realised this was the kind of callous thing never to say to an interviewer whose primary purpose was to analyse how caring and compassionate I was. Unsurprisingly, I did not get in.

This one from Alasdair from Austria reads more like an early-90s sitcom plot:

In 1991 as students, a friend and I went to an interview for a placement year in Wiltshire from Leicester, and it was the worst time ever. I did the normal thing and was up early and dressed smart etc., then dropped around to my friend’s house to find he had pulled the night before and was asleep with her and hungover. After an impolite and confusing rush to get him awake and help him get his clothes and car keys etc. and somehow explain to the lady that we had to go, we piled into his car and drove off.

About an hour later, after occasionally helping him stay on the road by “assisting” him with the steering wheel, we ran out of petrol. I had to walk sweating up a hill with a petrol can and luckily found a farmer’s house and persuaded the farmer’s wife to drive me to a petrol station and get petrol. At least it was a respite from the stale alcohol fumes from my friend’s mouth. He was of course asleep when I got back to the car.

We finally arrived in the small town almost late, and my friend was not yet in his suit. We ended up stopping at a pub to change, but since it was before opening hours it was closed and he had to get changed in a little plastic kiddy tree-house. As you can imagine we arrived thoroughly rattled, I was physically shaking from fried nerves and we hadn’t eaten.

In the end I got offered a job. My friend was still hungover of course and didn’t.

Any more for any more? No need to be shy, you’re among friends here. Share with us by commenting here, that we might all ~~learn from your mistakes~~ laugh at your misfortune.

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Tags: interviews, jobs
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 105 – www.sanctimoniouspartybags.com

August 20, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Salutations, listeners!

Today’s the start of Ramadan, so best of luck with that, Muslim listeners; we’d imagine a daylight fast would be considerably easier at a time of year when the days weren’t still so damn long, but maybe Answer Me This! Episode 105 will help take your mind off it:

Therein we talk upon the following matters:

lunch dates
Danelectro guitars
Greek GCSE (ancient, not modern)
sodium hydroxide
Noah’s ark
North Dublin
Dyson Ball
Helen’s granny’s anecdotes (granecdotes?)
evolution favouring Agatha Christie
Michael Palin
and
East Croydon.

Plus: had he not liked TV so much, Olly could have been a priest by now; Helen invites you all to take a turn in Martin the Sound Man’s beard; and Martin the Sound Man manages to analogise Girls Aloud to crisps, albeit unconvincingly.

Also, because we are Vampires feeding off the Misery and Failure of others, if you have managed to do a massive fuck-up in a job interview like Neal from Crawley, please tell us all about it by posting a comment below; and as ever, send us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Oh and if you’re a fan of buying stuff, you might enjoy some of our new Merch from www.cafepress.com/answermethis. If you like looking at Martin the Sound Man’s face, you might covet one of these; or if you like sitting on our faces, how about this?

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: children, cohabitation, death, etymology, facial hair, faux pas, Girls Aloud, greed, jobs, Michael Jackson, money, parties, poetry, romance
Posted in PODCASTS, User-generated answers | 15 Comments »

Schools lottery

August 18, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 104 **

Help us out, please, listeners! We’ve had a question from Chris from Aldershot which we can’t answer, because none of us know shit about these matters. But perhaps you do, so we put it to you:

Our son is 2, we live in a bit of a scabby area (Aldershot) but want him to attend a better school which is in Farnham.

Answer me this: At what time should we think about putting his name down for the better school in Farnham to stand a better chance of getting him in?

Any ideas, chaps? Comment below!

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Tags: school
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 7 Comments »