Answer Me This! Podcast

EPISODE 117: time – pain = fireworks

November 12, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Hail, fellows,

At the time of writing, two urban foxes are noisily copulating outside AMT Towers. It really is the most unheavenly sound. Hopefully Answer Me This! Episode 117 is rather kinder to the ear:

the Ban The Bang campaign
book tokens
war memorials
Subway flouting ancient Jewish food laws
bananas
The Shadow Of The Wind
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
Sir Walter Scott
coloured bow ties
poor nervy birds
and
pineapples up the arse.

Plus: Olly offends Andrew Lincoln but stands up for the meerkats; Helen exposes her brother’s audacious present-recycling tricks; and Martin the Sound Man tries out his common touch, but fails to convince. C-, Martin!

As ever, we want YOUR QUESTIONS via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; and this week we would also like you to comment upon this post with your top tips for godparents (are you one? Do you have one? And aside from the obligatory birthday tenner, have you ever actually been deployed in active godparental service?). Alternatively, you can share stories of the worst present you have ever given, in an attempt to amuse us whilst assuaging the guilt that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Win-win.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: etymology, fireworks, food, hair, holidays, injury, jews, pain, parents, perversion, prawn, presents, racist phrases, religion, sartoria, sex, sport
Posted in PODCASTS | 13 Comments »

keeping mum

November 12, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford‘s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

This has served me well when offering dry remarks with my trademark deadpan delivery, as I have retained what I call, “the shock factor”. Perhaps once a month someone will turn to me agog at my latest crude/clever (usually crude) remark.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

I was thinking to myself, “Fuck magpies, I’m sick of this saluting them bullshit, they are just birds”. It was the third magpie we passed that instead of saluting, I wound down the window and shouted, “When am I next going to fuck your mum?” The magpie didn’t respond, but later that evening our landlord called and said that we’d have to be out of our house by Christmas because he wanted to sell it.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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Tags: swearing
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

go nuts for doughnuts

November 12, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

2 boys, 1 Spoon

November 6, 2009 by Olly Mann

** Click here for Episode 116 **

In Episode 114, Olly revealed he can no longer eat even small quantities of cinnamon without suffering a gag reflex, because he and his friend Mr Will Brown recently undertook the ‘Cinnamon Challenge’ – a YouTube meme in which self-hating stupidity-junkies attempt to swallow a whole heaped teaspoon of pure ground cinnamon. For Fun.

Now, following popular demand, we are pleased to reveal the evidence, lovingly caught on camera by Answer Me This! jingle-voice Tom Price. Enjoy:

Let Olly’s fate be a lesson to you all: cinnamon is not to be taken neat.

(But, for those who fancy a bit more Friday Fun, more of our favourite examples of this particular phenomenon can be found here, here and here. Hee Hee!)

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Tags: Cinnamon Challenge, Fail, folly, food, Funny Video, shame
Posted in frippery, visuals | 6 Comments »

EPISODE 116 – like a little canine Houdini

November 5, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Oh dearie dear. Our coverage in Episode 115 of Reggie’s epilepsy dog/girlfriend dilemma seems to have resulted in a resolution – but not a happy one. You lot voted, while Reggie’s girlfriend voted with her feet. Commiserations, Reggie, although you’ve still got the cat to comfort you, eh?

Anyway, let’s hope that we don’t destroy any more relationships in Answer Me This! Episode 116:

Tesco Finest creamy fish pie
Hugh Laurie’s face trumpet
our Helge Rubinstein campaign
Maidstone
Stingy Jack
things to do in Rye
Russell Howard vs. William Hague
salmonella
politicised Peter’s Friends
freestanding baths
Bliss Magazine
Harry Potter
and
the world’s grossest bikini.

Plus: Olly has a novel method of keeping those trick-or-treaters away; Helen blurts out the Sensational Secret that her family revealed just 29 1/2 years ago; and Martin the Sound Man sets a challenge for the Olympic Committee. He’s got pluck, it’s true.

As well as sending us YOUR QUESTIONS – which you can do by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemailing Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – this week we also want to hear your stories of your finest ancestors and your own best moments of fame. Dazzle us all by posting a comment below!

Over and out,

Helen and Olly

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Tags: anatomy, bowels, cats, etiquette, fish, food, Halloween, money, Olly's cat, parties, pets, politics, sex, sport, stupid traditions, tax, yuk
Posted in PODCASTS | 4 Comments »

Jews and booze

November 5, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 115 **

We at Answer Me This! were rather underimpressed by this year’s display of Halloween garments. Given a one-night-only opportunity to walk around in public wearing absolutely anything, 90% of Londoners chose to dress up as slags! And most of the other 10% just sprinkled a bit of fake blood onto a shirt and called that a costume. NO NO NO! Fancy dress requires effort and/or ingenuity. And now, please lend yours to Christine from San Diego:

I have been invited to a friend’s 23rd birthday and the theme is “Jews and Booze”. I am completely confused and stumped by this theme. The birthday boy is Jewish, but also a fun-loving party animal, so I guess the theme is appropriate, but what do you wear to seem Jewish-themed and yet pretty? Yarmulkes? Star of David-printed hotpants? Do you have any sensible suggestions? I am severely lacking in knowledge of what to wear to a fancy dress party and of Jewish culture and I need help! I have nightmares that I will show up as a female Nazi in the mode of Prince Harry and ruin the party.

Readers, please put your Jews and Booze suggestions in a comment below! We recommend suiting up as King Herod with a cocktail umbrella sticking out of your collar.

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Tags: booze, fancy dress, jews, sartoria
Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 115 – Ladies’ Night at Games Workshop

October 29, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello hello hello!

Contrary to what we said last week about releasing Episode 115 a day late, here we are, on Thursday, with Episode 115 ready to go! Don’t believe us? The evidence awaits your ears:

Paving this week’s boulevard of broken brains are such topics as:

Antoni Gaudí
Wembley stadium
pre-Photoshop trickery
ancient nail-varnish
Durham Cathedral
war games
the Crystal Palace Museum
Fabric vs. fabric
prostitution vs. rental contracts
and
Chapel Carter.

Plus: Olly gives his Top Tips for bloggers; Helen gives her Top Tips for staying awake at Coldplay concerts; and Martin the Sound Man pretends to know about football, confuses Brazil and Mexico, and generally undoes all the good work he’d put in to convincing us all that he’s clever.

As usual, we’re hungry for YOUR QUESTIONS, which you can email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave as a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; but we also really need your help in determining what this week’s final questioneer Reggie should do about his epilepsy/girlfriend/cat/overpriced dog problem. Listen, then please vote:

We’re sure Reggie will appreciate it, and that his girlfriend probably won’t. But hey, democracy can’t please everyone all of the time.

See you next week, lovelies!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: architecture, blogging, clubbing, drugs, etymology, eyes, football, fun, grandparents, larks, linguistics, nightlife, photography, school, sexism, USA, vernacular
Posted in PODCASTS, Rock the Vote | 3 Comments »

Don’t try this at home. At least not with kids present.

October 29, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 114 **

In Episode 113 James from Portishead asked for advice about games to play at his daughter’s 7th birthday party. He should NOT play this game suggested by Andy from Swindon:

I used to work at a summer camp for kids and one of the people I was working with brought in a book of kids’ party games. Hidden among the usual favourites was a game called spankity spank. The rules of the game are as follows:

Person 1 sits on a chair.
Person 2 puts their face in person 1’s crotch.
The remainder of the people in the game take turns to spank person 2.
After each spank person 2 has to guess who is spanking them.
If they are right then the previous spanker has to take their place and be spanked and the game carries on.

Needless to say we did not play this one with the kids. We did however play it amongst ourselves once the kids had gone.

PS we kept our clothes on before Olly assumes that this is some kind of readers’ wives confession and the start of an orgy.

I thought this was inappropriate for a child at a party, but Andy from Swindon, you have scooped the win.

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Tags: parties
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

My morning jacket

October 29, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 114 **

It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:

I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.

1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.

So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?

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Tags: sartoria, school
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, inside scoop | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 114 – a top hat full of goose feathers

October 22, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

What the Jazzy Jeff is going on with Answer Me This! Episode 114? It’s all full of SPORT! Bloody sport! Golf, boxing, Formula 1 AND the Cinnamon Challenge. We feel like traitors to our own podcast.

Thankfully, there’s less jocktacular business too, such as:

scurvy (again)
bridge rolls
Helge Rubinstein
Napoleon Dynamite
Acton bowling alley
Wanted
Johnny Ball Reveals All
butter vs. Banoffee Pie
Sean Kingston vs. Sean Paul
D.H. Lawrence
James McAvoy
and
the band Clock.

Plus: Olly suggests Angelina Jolie is ‘a bloke with tits, really’ AND manages to compare Cheryl Cole to a golf ball; Helen hopes that Auntie Tarantula isn’t listening to this episode; and Martin the Sound Man breaks the embargo on talking about balls, earning him 14 hours on the naughty step. Will he never learn?

Unfortunately Episode 115 will be out one day late next week; but if you need something to tide you over Thursday, perhaps this tract upon the benefits of dimples to the trajectory of golf balls, this will help. (I’m sure you’ll understand why we kept it brief in the podcast – laminar flow diagrams don’t come across so well in audio.) And you can help tide us over with YOUR QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

See you next Friday!

Helen and Olly

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Tags: baked goods, balls, best man, boxing, cake, cars, cookery, disease, driving, etiquette, family, farting, folly, food, golf, homoeroticism, literature, marriage, music, names, nicknames, racism, sport, Women In Love
Posted in PODCASTS | 4 Comments »

A thimble of sweet sherry

October 21, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

** Click here for Episode 113 **

Here’s a question from Sarah:

I’m hoping that you guys are booze connoisseurs…

Sarah has evidently not heard the episode in which the AMT! Team’s favourite grown-up drink is a mug of hot Ribena with brandy.

…because I need some help. In a couple weeks my friend is turning 17, and she’s never had anything other than church wine [LAME], so my best friend Tyler and I are planning on getting her mildly trashed.

Tyler and I aren’t sure what to give her that won’t feel like a kick in the face when she wakes up the next morning. Tyler drinks vodka straight and I got drunk for the first time at new year in Edinburgh and nearly died, so our first drinking experiences aren’t helping us out.

What can we buy that’s fun, tastes okay [enough so that it wont scare her away from drinking forever], but will get the job done?

Obviously we cannot answer this question because underage drinking is of course ILLEGAL. But if you have a suggestion for what refreshment the young lady might enjoy in a year’s time, then please put it in a comment below!

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Tags: booze, drinks
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 17 Comments »

EPISODE 113 – cheese on ice

October 15, 2009 by Helen Zaltzman

Hello listeners,

Don your special silly-specs, because now, in INCREDIBLE 3D and GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR, it’s Answer Me This! Episode 113:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Oh alright, it doesn’t look any different to our other episodes, but it definitely sounds different, for unlike all those other weeks, this week we’re talking about:

Veronica Mars
Sylvia Plath
musical chairs
Almost Famous
Priscilla Presley
Shakespeare’s Globe
Sharon Osbourne vs. Robert Mugabe
Time Out vs. the rest of the world
a ‘Janet Jackson-style mic’
Granny’s Garden
and
Rebecca Ritters.

Plus: Olly takes a trip down Memory Lane to the days of Lycos and Geocities; Helen proves to be not very ladylike in the bedroom; and Martin the Sound Man uses an expression that should probably get him put on some sort of register. We also reveal just how rock’n’roll we really are. Although I think you know already. More Horlicks than Hendrix, alas.

Now, like squirrels gathering a large supply of hazelnuts to get through the winter, we want to stuff a tree-trunk full of your QUESTIONS to see us right through to spring. So please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

And do chip in with your suggestions as to the best party games: leave a comment below, and in due course this blog post will become Party Central. Minus the Twiglets.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS: A madly-skilled young lady disproves Olly’s statement that you can’t play a pop song on a ukulele without sounding like you’re taking the piss: