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Archive for the ‘User-generated answers’ Category

Don’t boff the boss!

March 25, 2010

Turn your minds, please, to this question from Megan in North Walsham:

Is shagging your boss right or wrong?!? My best friend (let’s call him George) is fucking his male MARRIED TO A WOMAN boss. George freely admits that he’s a gold-digger and using his boss for his money. Should I tell him to stop shagging his boss and potentially lose him his job, or ignore it and let him keep raking in the money?? I love George to bits, and don’t particularly want to see him hurt or unemployed. He’s asking me what he should do, and I don’t know what to tell him. Please help!

Ideally, Megan, you could turn back time and make George not fuck his boss in the first place, because each of the realistic denouements in the above scenario will likely result in ‘George’ eventually being sacked. Perhaps we are being prudish, but in our (dirty) book, sexing people a) in a position of authority over you b) who are married c) for money is NOT a good idea.

Furthermore, we anticipate that the longer he carries on this foolish affair, the worse the fallout will be; so he should stop as soon as the employment market is looking a bit more buoyant.

But readers, what do YOU think? Head to the comments to advise Megan how to instill in George the moral compass which he appears to lack.

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Tags:awkward, blackmail, employment, folly, jobs, sex
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

cake for the win!

March 24, 2010

We’ve just heard back from last week’s rhyme-baffled Alice from London:

I would firstly like to apologise for the question about rhymes (it was a drunk call, alcohol it seems is really killing my brain).

Don’t worry about it, Alice – Episode 127 was none the shabbier for it. Please carry on:

I have a question about cakes!

Me and my flatmates are planning to have a “cake-off” with an independent source judging which cake reigns supreme. I have a feeling that my other two flatmates will go down the chocolate/Victoria sponge route, so Answer Me This – what cake will make me win?? I’m willing to take up any challenge.

Although we do all feel very strongly about cakes – especially chocolate cakes – we worry that the responsibility is far too great for us. So readers, please head for the comments and tell Alice what sort of cake to bake! Meanwhile Alice can take inspiration from here, and heed the warnings here.

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Tags:cake
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 19 Comments »

Maths, French, Double Romance, lunchbreak.

March 17, 2010

** Click here for Episode 126 **

Here is a sweet question from Bob in Lincoln:

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a good while now, and it looks like it’s getting thoroughly serious.
We talked a little about the future one time, and since then, I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head.
So, High/Secondary school romances, can they actually work after school is over?

Well. Judging by our various friends (because of course, we only keep up our various acquaintances to use them as specimens in our studies of human behaviour), yes, they can: many of our contemporary school couples are still going strong a decade and a half later. In other cases, however, circumstance/the inexorable march of time/inconvenient geography/Growing Apart/other people/boredom intervened; but frankly, all parties were probably better off as a result.

Just as you might no longer adore Ivor the Engine quite as much as you did when you were six, what you want from a relationship is likely to be quite different when you’re forty than when you’re fourteen. So the best scheme is really just to enjoy what you have right now and see how it pans out, because you will get to spend more than enough of the rest of your life worrying about the future. There’s something to look forward to, young man!

But readers, please do recourse to the comments to chip in with your opinions as to what Bob in Lincoln should do, or if you would like to satisfy our nosiness by spilling the beans about your own school romances. Lest you care, our own experiences of such went thus: Olly is now shacked up with the lucky lady whom he first dated when they were at school, although she did get a few years’ respite in between; Helen jettisoned her long-term boyfriend a week before going to university, which proved to be a thoroughly good idea; and Martin the Sound Man never even saw a girl till he was nearly twenty.

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Tags:love, romance, school, teenage, teenagers in love
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

Diddle-di-de-dee! Two ladies!

March 10, 2010

** Click here for Episode 125 **

Here’s a situation none of us have ever been in, because we’re too boring/unattractive – thanks for rubbing that in, Fraser! He asks:

Recently I’ve been seeing two women who I fancy, one who I really connect with and another with ROCKING TITS!!!

Last weekend I was feeling adventurous and decided to rotate them over the weekend such as one Friday then the other on Saturday and so on. I did this to finally figure out which one I wanted to be with. Well, over the course of dinner on Sunday (with the one I connect with), I accidentally called her by the wrong name. Which led to questions which then led to a very smooth lie which I miraculously pulled out of my ass.

This lie was so well-crafted that now I have to make sure to remember it so that if it ever comes up in the future I don’t screw things for myself. My question is this, have you ever been in a situation where you’ve told a lie that then had to become truth in order to save face?

As we might have some lie-truths still in play, we’re reluctant to declare our deceits in a public forum that our lie-victims might peruse. But fearless readers, are you less chicken than us? Tell us your fibs in the comments!

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Tags:infidelity, sex, tits
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

Four weddings and another wedding

March 9, 2010

** Click here for Episode 125 **

Even though all three of us are spinsters (sob!), we enjoy you asking us about weddings. We were, however, very surprised when Xavier sent us one such question, seeing as he has more matrimonial experience than all of us combined. He asks:

I have been married 4 times already despite never ever asking anyone to marry me, and ending up with some really evil fuckers. I have finally met someone really special and am thinking of asking her to marry me,

I have previously been married in a church, a registry office, on a beach in a foreign country and at Gretna Green, my questions is this where do i get married now that would be different?

I see you haven’t done a Vegas wedding yet, but seeing as they all seem to have a fairly short time limit, we think it’s best avoided. We also note that you’ve done church, but not synagogue; perhaps it’s time to explore some other faiths, just to add cultural variety to your nuptual history.

Between us we’ve been to some very jolly weddings beneath a waterfall, on top of a hill, in museums and in a zoo; and we do enjoy those pictures in the tabloids when couples get married underwater with scuba gear, or jumping out of planes, or in the joinery aisle of B&Q. But as we don’t know whether the future Mrs Xavier V is aquatic/adrenaline-chasing/Handy Andy, we can’t give you a solid plan. But perhaps YOU can, readers? Head to the comments and tell Xavier where to have his fifth wedding! The person with the best suggestion gets to be a bridesmaid.

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Tags:love, marriage, weddings
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »

Reason #5000000 not to like the Stereophonics

February 26, 2010

** Click here for our Jingle Challenge **

Two doses in one day of parents making kids feel uncomfortable? Why the hell not! Here’s a distress call from Heather from Manchester:

My mum’s boyfriend says things to me like “Do you want me to come and rub your back for you in the shower?” and “Do you want to play strip poker with me?” I find this to be really inappropriate and pervy. My mum doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong in what he says so answer me this: is he a perv or am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Also how can I stop him saying these sorts of things to me?

By the way I am 15 and he is in his late 50s.

Of course tone is important, but written down he does look a bit pervy to us; so readers, if you have any ideas to help Heather to get him to stop, please outline them in a comment below. Better yet, if you work in Social Services, pack your bags – we’ve got a little job for you in Manchester…

Seeing as we’re on this uncomfortable subject, let’s also address this question from Oliver from Cambridge:

I was listening to the Stereophonics album Language. Sex. Violence. Other? and there’s a great song on there called “Lolita”.

After wikipedia-ing the song, I found out that Kelly Jones, the lead singer, actually named his daughter Lolita – that’s right, after the sexually promiscuous 12-year-old girl in the Vladimir Nabokov novel and associated films. This struck me as a spectacularly awful name to call your daughter.

So answer me this: what children’s names have you heard that you think are terrible?

A couple of years ago, Olly met a little boy who appeared to have been named ‘Cunty’. That’s right! If you can beat that, write a comment below, and if we get enough, we’ll charter a coach to take all the unfortunates to the deed poll office.

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Tags:Lolita, parents, sex offenders, Stereophonics, stupid stupid stupid, yuk
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 20 Comments »

Sorry son, we assumed our love of boffing was genetic.

February 26, 2010

** Click here for our Jingle Challenge **

Cover your eyes, clutch your pearls, and have a big cringe along with Sean from Kings Lynn:

A couple of weeks ago my parents presented me with a plastic box, while they stood there I opened it to reveal they had given me 200+ condoms, amongst them there was pineapple flavour!

So, Answer Me This:

What’s The Weirdest Thing Your Parents Have Given To You As A Present? (Olly Excluding The Thong!)

Well, if you’re excluding the thong, Sean (Episode 89 if you need a refresher, people!), then Olly is going to have to stand down this round. But between you lot, you must have memories of some time when your parents celebrated your birthday or Christmas with a big beribboned box of Wrong, in comparison to which Sean’s parents merely look like health campaigners urging Sean to remember to practice safe sex and eat his Five A Day. Am I right? Then please share in the comments!

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Tags:contraception, parents, pineapple, presents, sex, shame
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

Injury One-up Mann-ship

January 27, 2010

* New series starts March 4th – click here for our most recent episodes *
* And click here for our Jingle Challenge *

Following the full and gory details of OIly’s shoulder dislocation in Episode 123, Niall from Newcastle has been in touch with a horror story of his own:

I feel Olly’s plight. I went skiing over the Christmas week and after one day and a half day fell ill, and after two days I went to the doctors, by which time we knew it definitely was not food poisoning! I was immediately hospitalised with appendicitis and was operated on the next day which was Christmas Eve, which had many complications; the appendix having already split and part of my colon was removed. I had to spend 9 days in hospital, and bearing in mind I was in France, the only comfort I had was that my French was improving quickly! I arrived back in the UK on the 1st January, and still have an open wound on my side from the operations…

Sheesh! In the grand scheme of things, compared to Olly’s unspectacular 1 metre drop to the ground after only 90 seconds of skiing, it seems it could have been rather worse. We hope this picture of Olly looking glam in the awesome Canadian Rockies cheers you up, Niall:

I'm smiling now but in a week I'll be on Valium for back-pain

Meanwhile, Ben from Oxford writes:

Helen and Olly, Answer Me This: After my arm was put in a sling, why did my mother make me spaghetti for my first supper?

Well, Ben. I think that’s because, as we’re all learning, life can be CRUEL.

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Tags:appendix, Canada, ski fail
Posted in Olly's face, User-generated answers | 10 Comments »

Yikes!

January 13, 2010

After Bunty confessed to her devious means of protecting herself from shark attacks, Isla in Aberdeenshire was emboldened to share her own irrational fear:

I have a very bad phobia of balloons. I cannot go near them, I cannot touch them, if I know they are in the same room as I am I have to place myself as far away from them as I physically can. I really hate my phobia as people forget how genuinely terrified I am of them and still insist on having them at parties. Helen and Olly, answer me this, what is the phobia of balloons and is there any way I can get over this?

Apparently, Isla, you are far from alone in this: it’s called globophobia, and lots of people suffer from it. Indeed, I was once conversing with a man who was afraid of all inflatable objects, which was particularly unfortunate as he was in the Navy.

As for getting over it: some people on the internet suggest going into a room filled with balloons until you’re no longer sick with fear; but as a room full of balloons would surely freak out even the average non-globophobe, we reckon you should try a couple of sessions of hypnosis instead. But even when you’re cured, you should not watch The Prisoner – it’s one of the few dramas in which the villain is actually a balloon!

Now, readers, help make Isla feel better by sharing your own daft phobias in the comments.

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Tags:phobias, psychology
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 40 Comments »

AMT Colonies

December 14, 2009

** Click here for the Best of AMT 2009 – Part 1 **

It’s almost exactly two years since we cracked Luxembourg, and therefore high time we set our sights on another country. But which one do you think we should go for? Andorra? Djibouti? Vatican City?

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Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 17 Comments »

bath-eating

December 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 120 **

Here’s a question we could not answer from Beckles:

Last Saturday I was listening to you whilst I was in the bath. When I was in the bath I treated myself to a little snack of corn on the cob. Weird I know but I’m fine with it. It did however make me think of a question to ask you.

So please Helen, Olly and Martin, answer me this; what is the most unusual thing you have ever eaten in the bath?

We polled ourselves, and the answer was NOTHING, because none of us are fans of combining eating and washing. Even though that’s cutting out valuable scoffing time. But listeners, you seem the kind of people who are comfortable with eating in the same room as a lavatory pan: tell us of your most outlandish bath snack in a comment below!

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Tags:food, hygiene
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 119 – a beautifully choreographed dance between two men in leotards

November 26, 2009

***WARNING: This episode contains spoilers
about the 1994 Coen brothers film
*The Hudsucker Proxy****

Undaunted? Then by all means listen on, but don’t complain to us when you get to the 19th minute and discover that 15-year-old plot twist:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week we bang on about:

Philip Larkin’s debut novel
the three second rule
Tom of Finland
Sir Patrick Mayhew
Jason and the Argonauts
Lorraine Kelly, record-breaker
Stephen Fry’s Paperweight
Sir Menzies Campbell
Rick Witter
the Milton Keynes Snow Dome
Vince McMahon
Porthos
urethral openings
raw chicken
Brewster’s Millions
and
travelators.

Also: how Olly breaks wind stealthily; how Helen’s congenital squint ruined Up for her; and how bananas work, according to Martin the Sound Man. You’d been wondering for years what secrets those little bastards were concealing, hadn’t you?

As ever we’re greedy for YOUR QUESTIONS, so ask ask ask via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We’re very grateful to all of you who shared your stupid nicknames last week – which everyone else can enjoy here; this week, you have the easy task of leaving a comment with your answer to Jorge from Mexico’s question, telling us what you would like to do for one day and one day only. Nothing too blue, please; the shock could kill us.

Also, if you are planning on doing any pre-Christmas Amazon orders, would you be a tremendous dear and log onto their site via this link first? Your Amazonian shopping experience will be 100% the same; however we will then get approx. £0.0000001, which we can put towards a new microphone, or the high-class courtesan we’ve been saving up for. Much obliged to you.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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