Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

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Maths, French, Double Romance, lunchbreak.

March 17, 2010

** Click here for Episode 126 **

Here is a sweet question from Bob in Lincoln:

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a good while now, and it looks like it’s getting thoroughly serious.
We talked a little about the future one time, and since then, I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head.
So, High/Secondary school romances, can they actually work after school is over?

Well. Judging by our various friends (because of course, we only keep up our various acquaintances to use them as specimens in our studies of human behaviour), yes, they can: many of our contemporary school couples are still going strong a decade and a half later. In other cases, however, circumstance/the inexorable march of time/inconvenient geography/Growing Apart/other people/boredom intervened; but frankly, all parties were probably better off as a result.

Just as you might no longer adore Ivor the Engine quite as much as you did when you were six, what you want from a relationship is likely to be quite different when you’re forty than when you’re fourteen. So the best scheme is really just to enjoy what you have right now and see how it pans out, because you will get to spend more than enough of the rest of your life worrying about the future. There’s something to look forward to, young man!

But readers, please do recourse to the comments to chip in with your opinions as to what Bob in Lincoln should do, or if you would like to satisfy our nosiness by spilling the beans about your own school romances. Lest you care, our own experiences of such went thus: Olly is now shacked up with the lucky lady whom he first dated when they were at school, although she did get a few years’ respite in between; Helen jettisoned her long-term boyfriend a week before going to university, which proved to be a thoroughly good idea; and Martin the Sound Man never even saw a girl till he was nearly twenty.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

Snog Marry Avoid

March 15, 2010

...or perhaps you would prefer to join a seminary instead.

** Click here for Episode 126 **

We should have guessed this question would come up one day. And we question the wisdom of submitting it to the public forum that is You. If this produces unwholesome rifts within Team AMT, we can all blame Josh from Arkansas, who emailed the following:

Dear Helen and Olly,

This isn’t a question for you. This is for your listeners.

To the query of Answer Me This listeners,

Marry, Boff, Kill: Helen, Olly, or Martin the Sound Man?



Sigh. Go on then. And be kind.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, frippery, Rock the Vote | 19 Comments »

Diddle-di-de-dee! Two ladies!

March 10, 2010

** Click here for Episode 125 **

Here’s a situation none of us have ever been in, because we’re too boring/unattractive – thanks for rubbing that in, Fraser! He asks:

Recently I’ve been seeing two women who I fancy, one who I really connect with and another with ROCKING TITS!!!

Last weekend I was feeling adventurous and decided to rotate them over the weekend such as one Friday then the other on Saturday and so on. I did this to finally figure out which one I wanted to be with. Well, over the course of dinner on Sunday (with the one I connect with), I accidentally called her by the wrong name. Which led to questions which then led to a very smooth lie which I miraculously pulled out of my ass.

This lie was so well-crafted that now I have to make sure to remember it so that if it ever comes up in the future I don’t screw things for myself. My question is this, have you ever been in a situation where you’ve told a lie that then had to become truth in order to save face?

As we might have some lie-truths still in play, we’re reluctant to declare our deceits in a public forum that our lie-victims might peruse. But fearless readers, are you less chicken than us? Tell us your fibs in the comments!

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Four weddings and another wedding

March 9, 2010

** Click here for Episode 125 **

Even though all three of us are spinsters (sob!), we enjoy you asking us about weddings. We were, however, very surprised when Xavier sent us one such question, seeing as he has more matrimonial experience than all of us combined. He asks:

I have been married 4 times already despite never ever asking anyone to marry me, and ending up with some really evil fuckers. I have finally met someone really special and am thinking of asking her to marry me,

I have previously been married in a church, a registry office, on a beach in a foreign country and at Gretna Green, my questions is this where do i get married now that would be different?

I see you haven’t done a Vegas wedding yet, but seeing as they all seem to have a fairly short time limit, we think it’s best avoided. We also note that you’ve done church, but not synagogue; perhaps it’s time to explore some other faiths, just to add cultural variety to your nuptual history.

Between us we’ve been to some very jolly weddings beneath a waterfall, on top of a hill, in museums and in a zoo; and we do enjoy those pictures in the tabloids when couples get married underwater with scuba gear, or jumping out of planes, or in the joinery aisle of B&Q. But as we don’t know whether the future Mrs Xavier V is aquatic/adrenaline-chasing/Handy Andy, we can’t give you a solid plan. But perhaps YOU can, readers? Head to the comments and tell Xavier where to have his fifth wedding! The person with the best suggestion gets to be a bridesmaid.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »

Reason #5000000 not to like the Stereophonics

February 26, 2010

** Click here for our Jingle Challenge **

Two doses in one day of parents making kids feel uncomfortable? Why the hell not! Here’s a distress call from Heather from Manchester:

My mum’s boyfriend says things to me like “Do you want me to come and rub your back for you in the shower?” and “Do you want to play strip poker with me?” I find this to be really inappropriate and pervy. My mum doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong in what he says so answer me this: is he a perv or am I being unreasonable in thinking this? Also how can I stop him saying these sorts of things to me?

By the way I am 15 and he is in his late 50s.

Of course tone is important, but written down he does look a bit pervy to us; so readers, if you have any ideas to help Heather to get him to stop, please outline them in a comment below. Better yet, if you work in Social Services, pack your bags – we’ve got a little job for you in Manchester…

Seeing as we’re on this uncomfortable subject, let’s also address this question from Oliver from Cambridge:

I was listening to the Stereophonics album Language. Sex. Violence. Other? and there’s a great song on there called “Lolita”.

After wikipedia-ing the song, I found out that Kelly Jones, the lead singer, actually named his daughter Lolita – that’s right, after the sexually promiscuous 12-year-old girl in the Vladimir Nabokov novel and associated films. This struck me as a spectacularly awful name to call your daughter.

So answer me this: what children’s names have you heard that you think are terrible?

A couple of years ago, Olly met a little boy who appeared to have been named ‘Cunty’. That’s right! If you can beat that, write a comment below, and if we get enough, we’ll charter a coach to take all the unfortunates to the deed poll office.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 20 Comments »

Sorry son, we assumed our love of boffing was genetic.

February 26, 2010

** Click here for our Jingle Challenge **

Cover your eyes, clutch your pearls, and have a big cringe along with Sean from Kings Lynn:

A couple of weeks ago my parents presented me with a plastic box, while they stood there I opened it to reveal they had given me 200+ condoms, amongst them there was pineapple flavour!

So, Answer Me This:

What’s The Weirdest Thing Your Parents Have Given To You As A Present? (Olly Excluding The Thong!)

Well, if you’re excluding the thong, Sean (Episode 89 if you need a refresher, people!), then Olly is going to have to stand down this round. But between you lot, you must have memories of some time when your parents celebrated your birthday or Christmas with a big beribboned box of Wrong, in comparison to which Sean’s parents merely look like health campaigners urging Sean to remember to practice safe sex and eat his Five A Day. Am I right? Then please share in the comments!

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

It’s all txtspk to me…

January 19, 2010

Many of you – not quite as many as have asked what’s up with Martin’s voice, but still lots – have posed this question:

What do Greek people say instead of the phrase, “It’s all Greek to me”?

We’ve done the proper proper research, by befriending a genuine Greek person some seven years ago just in the hope that one day, they would come in useful (aside from teaching us some ingenious squid recipes).

According to the genuine Grecian, he and his fellow compatriates say, “It’s all Chinese to me.”

So, what we need to find out now is: which language do Chinese people pick on in this idiom? If you’re a Chinese speaker, enlighten us in the comments below.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

Have you seen this manbag?

December 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 120 **

This is a bit like those small-ads you see in the paper saying, “Saw you on the District Line, you were wearing a scarf, I was the girl who dropped my headphones. Drink?”, only non-romantic. James from Sheffield seeks like-minded individual for minor acquaintance or minor friendship:

I’m in my first year at the University of Sheffield, and on Registration Day (in September) I saw somebody with an Answer Me This bag. This came as a surprise, as I’m certain that there can’t be too many Answer Me This fans out there 😉 Unfortunately I was in a queue at the time so I did not have the opportunity to introduce myself as a fellow fan of the podcast.

So, taking a sort of non-romantic “Missed Connections” approach, would you please be able to give a shout-out to “the guy with the answer me this bag who was in the registration room for first year students at Sheffield university” and see if he responds to the shout-out? You would be providing a valuable public service, uniting Answer Me This fans across South Yorkshire!!

Readers! If you are that man – or you know that man – then please get in touch, and we’ll set you up on a playdate with James.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

bath-eating

December 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 120 **

Here’s a question we could not answer from Beckles:

Last Saturday I was listening to you whilst I was in the bath. When I was in the bath I treated myself to a little snack of corn on the cob. Weird I know but I’m fine with it. It did however make me think of a question to ask you.

So please Helen, Olly and Martin, answer me this; what is the most unusual thing you have ever eaten in the bath?

We polled ourselves, and the answer was NOTHING, because none of us are fans of combining eating and washing. Even though that’s cutting out valuable scoffing time. But listeners, you seem the kind of people who are comfortable with eating in the same room as a lavatory pan: tell us of your most outlandish bath snack in a comment below!

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fake girlfriend: update

December 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 119 **

In Episode 119 young Ed from Market Harborough sought our advice regarding his fake girlfriend. They’d only been fake-going out for a week and a half at the time, and she was already causing trouble! We said he should dump the fake-bitch, or that he should say she dumped him.

I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT MY FAKE GF AND WHY I CAN’T DUMP HER!

1) IF I DUMP HER ILL BE A TOTAL PRICK FOR DUMPING HER!

Who cares, Ed – what’s the worst that can happen? Is her fake father going to come round to your house with a baseball bat?

2)IF I SAY SHE’S DUMPED ME THEN I’LL GET JEERED AT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP A GIRL FOR MORE THAN A MONTH

Your friends are probably fresh out of jeers, having expended them all last week when you invented a girlfriend.

3)I CAN’T SAY SHE MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE SHE ALREADY LIVES IN JERSEY

Let’s not forget, Ed – YOU MADE HER UP! YOU put her in Jersey; YOU get her out of there! One of the numerous benefits of fake girlfriends is that they are highly portable, so invent her an interest in South American ferns and send her off to live in a remote part of Chile or something.

Buck up, young man: this is the only relationship you will ever have where she does exactly what you say. The only limit is the breadth of your imagination. Now, go away, and don’t you dare reject our sage advice again until you’ve stopped being such a silly sausage.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

The Slimfast Plan

November 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 118 **

When we hear the phrase ‘liquid lunch’ we think of a wholesome plate of gin, or miso soup. Chris in New Zealand may have other ideas:

(there is no background story to this question and I’m straight as the direction of a light photon)
so answer me this: does sperm have any nutritional value?

Apparently it does; but remember Chris: everything in moderation.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

A thimble of sweet sherry

October 21, 2009

** Click here for Episode 113 **

Here’s a question from Sarah:

I’m hoping that you guys are booze connoisseurs…

Sarah has evidently not heard the episode in which the AMT! Team’s favourite grown-up drink is a mug of hot Ribena with brandy.

…because I need some help. In a couple weeks my friend is turning 17, and she’s never had anything other than church wine [LAME], so my best friend Tyler and I are planning on getting her mildly trashed.

Tyler and I aren’t sure what to give her that won’t feel like a kick in the face when she wakes up the next morning. Tyler drinks vodka straight and I got drunk for the first time at new year in Edinburgh and nearly died, so our first drinking experiences aren’t helping us out.

What can we buy that’s fun, tastes okay [enough so that it wont scare her away from drinking forever], but will get the job done?

Obviously we cannot answer this question because underage drinking is of course ILLEGAL. But if you have a suggestion for what refreshment the young lady might enjoy in a year’s time, then please put it in a comment below!

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