Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

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Boss-boffing update

March 29, 2010

** Click here for Episode 127 **

Last week we posted about a problem sent in by Megan from North Walsham, and you kindly helped out with some advice. Now Megan has written back with the latest on George and his foolhardy boss-boffing:

Just to clarify, George isn’t a prostitute, he was just utilising his boss’s stupidity in giving him lots of pretty presents.

I advised George to follow the line from Josh about STDs, but since I wrote in, the whole situation appears to have rectified itself.

George went to meet up with his boss for a dirty weekend away, but decided that (seeing as he had his boss’s credit card with him) he should withdraw as much money as he could and spend it on booze on the train down there. Eventually turning up to the rendezvous very pissed on overpriced train alcohol, he regained his moral compass and tried to let his boss down gently. As he didn’t get the hint straight away, George then confessed that he’d been using him for presents and his job all along, quit his job and staggered away with his head held high.

Now he’s unemployed, bereft of future presents, but his conscience is clear.

George, congratulations for putting your concubine days in the past. Now does anyone know of any jobs going in the greater North Walsham area?

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Get your summer beach reads sorted early!

March 24, 2010

Following on from Episode 127, let’s enjoy some horrible scenes from books! Many of you have left a marvellous selection yon, and here are a few more:

Shannon: Allow me to add to your collection of scenes in literature that make one doubt man’s humanity:
1. Trimalchio’s feast in The Satyricon by Petronius: Who doesn’t love an excrement fight with their gang rape? And the dis-memberable poetry reading in the last chapters is inspired.
2. Blindness by José Saramago: More gang rape and excrement, topped off with a scene in which a man is brutally stabbed through the neck while engaged in an act that leaves an unusual mixed aftermath on his partner’s face.

Kate from Corfe Mullen: The most gruesome scene from a book that I have ever read was from David Mitchell’s Number9dream. Part of the book was set in the criminal underworld in Japan and a torture method was to place people in a cavity at the end of a ten pin bowling alley so that their heads were sticking out. The gang members would then bowl ten pin bowling balls at them.

Peter from Chicago: The most terrifying thing I ever read was a work of non-fiction by William Bradford Huie, Three Lives for Mississippi. The book tells the story of the murder of three civil-rights workers in Mississippi during “Freedom Summer” of 1964. Huie begins the book by re-telling the story of what happened in Birmingham, Alabama in 1957. Six men from a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan gathered to decide who deserved a promotion to a higher rank within the group. One of them wanted the promotion, and to prove he deserved it, he was willing to get “blood on his hands.” They kidnapped a local Negro man, castrate him, and dumped him by the side of road.

The first time I read that section my knees slammed together and I kept my legs pressed together for almost ten minutes.

Thank god for a little palate cleanser from Colin from Newton Aycliffe, County Durham:

The song that was number one on the day I was born was Elvis Presley’s ‘Are you lonesome tonight’, which I think is quite ironic for a twice-divorced Singleton.

Just be glad your birthsong was not ‘Psycho Killer’ then, Colin.

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“TB? Whoops, I meant to write ‘ibuprofen’.”

March 15, 2010

** Click here for Episode 126 **

Travel back mentally to last week’s episode, and thank your lucky stars that doctors now print out prescriptions; Sara from California explains why:

In your last episode you talked about doctors’ handwriting and how bad it is. I know that they’re in a hurry, but they should make sure to write clearly because my grandmother nearly died as a result of a doctor’s handwriting. She had tuberculosis and the pharmacist misread the prescription and she was given ten times the correct dose of her antibiotics.

Back yet one more week, to Lauren of the boss with the secret campaign to fire her, for whom Darren offers some advice:

Im currently studying for an MA in human resources management. If Lauren has more than a year’s service for the company then she has some rights over dismissal and would be entitled to a chance to improve. I would imagine putting her in a situation like they have with the email would constitute a form of constructive dismissal.

Without knowing more about her circumstances, I couldn’t say for sure; but if you could let her know that she may have some protection then I feel I will have done my civic duty.

Consider said civic duty done, Darren; although by now, Lauren’s stay of execution has probably elapsed and she’s either pulled her socks up or been consigned to watching daytime TV in her jimjams until the job market improves. Let’s hope that, whatever happens, she ends up as happy in her employ as the enigmatically-named C from the USA:

I absolutely love my job! It’s the best! I earn less than I could so I can do what I do.

Writing opinions for an administrative adjudicator in a government agency in one of the United States sounds dull, but I’m part of the “they” everyone dreads and fears. But I have a conscience, empathy and a brilliant legal mind.

My job is a cross between Mr. Spock and Santa Claus. I parse through legal jargon and chicanery, and in most cases, I hand out bags of money! And unlike criminal defense, I don’t hurt anyone. I LOVE MY JOB!

Hooray! Anyone else love their jobs? Tell us in the comments!

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Jewish conspiracy and shoe-ish conspiracy

March 10, 2010

** Click here for Episode 125 **

Here’s a blow, following Episode 125. It has been delivered by Daniel from Borehamwood:

Sorry Olly – Bootleg is already a brand. It’s Clarks shoes’ teenagers’-shoes-section.

Dammit dammit dammit! Olly’s pun-based shoe-shop will have to remain buy a dream. FOR NOW.

Eeva from Turku, Finland

In episode 125 you claimed that you had not previously talked about your secret zionist names. You have. Since episode 60 anyway. I would point out the episode, but having just listened all available Answer Me This! episodes in 42 hours, I snapped my happy muscle. From over-exhaustion. Or just OD’d.

These events now lead me to ask; How are you going to make up this horrendous oversight to dedicated podcast listeners? Our (My) delicate feelings cannot bare to see you forget such important piece of banter. We demand answers. How did this happen, and are any of you considering your resignations?

We’ll tell you how it happened: as soon as we say anything on the podcast, it vanishes from our brains, forever. So unless someone volunteers to transcribe and memorise our entire back catalogue, then stand in the AMT studio rapping us on the knuckles whenever we retread an anecdote – and trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT JOB – these repetitions are going to happen. Since we haven’t resigned over our various mistresses, frauds, embezzlements, insider tradings and fake sick-leaves, we’re going to resist the calls to do so over Schloymergate; but when the day comes that more than 60% of an episode of Answer Me This! is composed of Golden Oldies, you can take us down.

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wedding crushers

March 2, 2010

** Click here for our Jingle Challenge **

Wade back in your memory through the mists of time, around the bog of forgetfulness, and over the stile of reminiscence, right the way to the end of the last series of Answer Me This!, then append the following observations supplied by our beloved listeners. Firstly, Jim in New Jersey:

You may have strongly doubted the origins of the wedding kiss in an actual ritual consummation, but how about this for a dramatic touch? Margaret Mead documented a primitive wedding ceremony performed by a tribe in New Guinea in which the newly wedded couple copulated on a wooden platform in front of all the villagers. At the moment of climax, a huge pile of lumber was released from above them, crushing them to death. One would think this ritual might have a negative effect on population growth.

Not only that, it would really decimate the honeymoon industry. If this came back in vogue, Sandals resorts would close overnight!

On a related note, Matt, who calls himself ‘Moo’ (each to their own), suggests we all have a little paddle in the following pool of schadenfreude:

In Episode 123 you were discussing proposals in public and how shameful it would be – well have a look at this for the ultimate humiliation, and the amazing premonition-like commentators:

Don’t cry, she’s probably just popped off to the loo for a sec. Right? Right?

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Well, that’s one way to achieve a work-life balance

January 27, 2010
* New series starts March 4th – click here for our most recent episodes *
*** And click here for our Jingle Challenge ***

Breaking News! Charlie from London, the adventurous chap who asked about swinging with his wife and colleague in Episode 123, has provided us with an update on three points:

The conversations I’ve had with my wife were not awkward for either of us as we have a very strong relationship and talk about everything without fear of upsetting each other. It turns out my wife Kim had been thinking about similar things for a while, so she has enthusiastically agreed. As for your last point: if I would have a problem with my wife sleeping with other men, I would never even have suggested swinging. Obviously.

Fair enough, and congrats to Charlie and Kim for embarking on this exciting new era in their relationship. We certainly make no moral judgements about sexual proclivities here, or else we could scarcely look Martin the Sound Man in the eye…

However, even if their marriage is as stable as Charlie claims, we’re yet to be convinced this will pan out well at Charlie’s workplace. How, exactly, are those ‘watercooler moments’ going to go? “Did you see Dancing On Ice last night?… Where were you thinking of having lunch today?… Do you fancy fisting this weekend?”

It’s fascinating territory and one that, thank the Lord, has never been broached at AMT! Towers. But, Charlie – keep us up to date.

In the meantime, here’s Bing Crosby singing about swinging. He certainly makes it sound lovely!


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Nice hot cup of hamster

January 19, 2010

Better late than never, eh? Both for me posting this feedback from listener Stuart, and for finding out your family pet has been hiding inside your kitchen equipment. Harking back to Episode 119, Stuart says:

Listening to your story about the cat falling into the pot of stock reminded me about a guy I knew a few years back. His kids had a hamster that went missing, and despite searching the house high and low, they just could not find it. Eventually they just stopped looking and got on with their life.

They did eventually did find it some time later when they filled their kettle by taking the lid off instead of just filling it through the spout.

There was the bloated body of the hamster, having been boiled numerous times a day for about two weeks.

I found it hilarious at the time and it still makes me smile.

This is the British version of those American horror stories about finding an alligator in your lavatory, isn’t it?

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Yikes!

January 13, 2010

After Bunty confessed to her devious means of protecting herself from shark attacks, Isla in Aberdeenshire was emboldened to share her own irrational fear:

I have a very bad phobia of balloons. I cannot go near them, I cannot touch them, if I know they are in the same room as I am I have to place myself as far away from them as I physically can. I really hate my phobia as people forget how genuinely terrified I am of them and still insist on having them at parties. Helen and Olly, answer me this, what is the phobia of balloons and is there any way I can get over this?

Apparently, Isla, you are far from alone in this: it’s called globophobia, and lots of people suffer from it. Indeed, I was once conversing with a man who was afraid of all inflatable objects, which was particularly unfortunate as he was in the Navy.

As for getting over it: some people on the internet suggest going into a room filled with balloons until you’re no longer sick with fear; but as a room full of balloons would surely freak out even the average non-globophobe, we reckon you should try a couple of sessions of hypnosis instead. But even when you’re cured, you should not watch The Prisoner – it’s one of the few dramas in which the villain is actually a balloon!

Now, readers, help make Isla feel better by sharing your own daft phobias in the comments.

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bookshop bogs

January 12, 2010

We love that the podcast encourages you lot to share. Or do we? Does Ed in Halifax, Nova Scotia just feel comfortable in our relationship, or is it a case of TMI? He says:

I was just now listening to episode 121 and was inspired to write to you after hearing listener Chris’s question “Why do I get the urge to squirt dirt whenever I visit a second-hand bookshop?”
This happens to me too!
It’s been happening for years!
And often enough that I have actually given it some thought.
I think I have a reasonable explanation that does not require some twisted mental association between books and excrement, leaving the works of ________________________ (insert name of your least favourite but wildly popular author… I choose Dan Brown):

1) I like books, so I tend to spend more time per visit in bookshops than in other types of shops.
2) Most used book shops I have visited contain jumbled piles of books and over-stuffed shelves that require even more time to find books of interest.
4) When I pay a long visit to a bookshop (45 minutes to more than an hour) I’m standing still for longer and getting more and more relaxed.
4) Confirmation bias: I claim that book shops ALWAYS makes me want to drown the kittens, but really, I think it has actually happened about six times in my adult life (I am 47 years old) that I have had to urgently leave the book shop in search of a drop-off spot for the hostages. But each time it happens it’s a much more memorable event than all the times it didn’t happen. I’m sure I have made more grunt sculptures at theaters and restaurants, but that just seems more expected, and so less memorable.
5) I suppose if you are the sort of person who makes a habit of reading while sequestered in the fortress of solitude, it is possible that you have a very direct and obvious mental association with reading and putting your thoughts down on paper.

In conclusion, I think it mostly comes down to the amount of time I have spent in bookshops making it more likely that I will be in a bookshop when it becomes necessary to beam down William Shatner.

Ed, we’ll let you off the charge of over-sharing because of your outstanding euphemisms.

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So it was all a dream? Oh.

January 12, 2010

In Episode 121 we talked about decent films that are somewhat cocked up by unfitting endings. Neil from Bexleyheath sees Vicky from Oxted’s shock at the ending of Lolita and raises her The House of Flying Daggers. I’d like to add From Dusk Till Dawn (stupid!), Away We Go (too sentimental!) and The Lovely Bones (I’ve not seen the film, but if it’s anything like the book, the ending is big hairy ball). But what do YOU think? Commit your opinions in a comment below!

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Twelve days of WRONG

December 17, 2009

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2009 – Part I **

Following Episode 120, in which we discussed whether ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ refers to an over-generous poultry lover or to a whole load of God Stuff, both Judy in San Francisco and Andrew in Southampton wrote in to tell us that whatever we said was a big plate of Wrong Pie. Their counter-evidence was this:

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/music/12days.asp

OK listeners. It’s tug-of-love time. Whom do you love more, us or Snopes? Huh?

This could get ugly.

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fake girlfriend: update

December 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 119 **

In Episode 119 young Ed from Market Harborough sought our advice regarding his fake girlfriend. They’d only been fake-going out for a week and a half at the time, and she was already causing trouble! We said he should dump the fake-bitch, or that he should say she dumped him.

I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT MY FAKE GF AND WHY I CAN’T DUMP HER!

1) IF I DUMP HER ILL BE A TOTAL PRICK FOR DUMPING HER!

Who cares, Ed – what’s the worst that can happen? Is her fake father going to come round to your house with a baseball bat?

2)IF I SAY SHE’S DUMPED ME THEN I’LL GET JEERED AT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP A GIRL FOR MORE THAN A MONTH

Your friends are probably fresh out of jeers, having expended them all last week when you invented a girlfriend.

3)I CAN’T SAY SHE MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE SHE ALREADY LIVES IN JERSEY

Let’s not forget, Ed – YOU MADE HER UP! YOU put her in Jersey; YOU get her out of there! One of the numerous benefits of fake girlfriends is that they are highly portable, so invent her an interest in South American ferns and send her off to live in a remote part of Chile or something.

Buck up, young man: this is the only relationship you will ever have where she does exactly what you say. The only limit is the breadth of your imagination. Now, go away, and don’t you dare reject our sage advice again until you’ve stopped being such a silly sausage.

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