Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

Wrestlemania!

December 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 119 **

Oh dear. Olly’s answer to Dean in Peterborough‘s question about wresting last week caused quite the ruckus amongst listeners, who furiously wrote in to correct Olly’s pronunciation of Vince McMahon, his misapprehension of The Facts, and, essentially, everything. At considerable length. First up, Mike:

The history of pro wrestling becoming fixed you gave was as fake any wrestling match!

Unfortunately you’ve bought in to the “official” history as promoted by Vince K. McMahon and the WWE. The idea that Vince J. McMahon – the current Vince’s father – was responsible for the faking of pro wrestling is utter, total bullshit.

The fixing of Pro Wrestling matches dates back the William Muldoon in the 1880s who would have men under his employment go to towns, perform matches and build up the appearance of the champion Muldoon would then come into town, draw a big crowd and beat one of his men. In January 1890 the Police Gazette magazine reported that Muldoon and Evan ‘Strangler’ Lewis had “been giving wrestling exhibitions in Philadelphia” and in 1905 the same magazine stated “nine out of ten bouts are now prearranged affairs”.

The reason for it being fake is very simple – to avoid getting injured in order to have more matches and make more money.

I’d also raise issue with the statement at the McMahon’s took wrestling into major arenas and out of ‘dirty little clubs’. Pro Wrestling had been a regular fixture at Madison Square Gardens since the 1880s and in 1908 a match between Frank Gotch and George Hackenschmidt main evented at Chicago’s Comiskey Park in front of 30,000 people.

The government regulation issue you raised was almost correct. The McMahons announced that it was fake in 1989 to avoid the athletic tax in New Jersey, but they certainly didn’t make it fake at that time.

Maximilian sees Mike’s beginner’s guide to wrestling, and raises with the following tract:

Here is a quick history of fakery in the world of wrestling.

Let me just interject here: Maximilian is fibbing.  Strap in for the duration!

Wrestling as a touring show began in the late 19th century in America and was originally distinct from the legitimate sport of catch wrestling. Carnival wrestling exhibitions would wow audiences with spectacular matches, colourful costumes and on-going feuds in much the same way as they do today. The term for the showy, fictional elements of a wrestling show, ‘kayfabe’ comes from this period. It is thought to be a contraction of the name Kaye Fabian which carnival workers would use when making a reverse charges call to loved ones at home. Upon hearing the name from the operator the person receiving the call would know the person had arrived and was safe, well and making money.

At this time though, most wrestling contests were still legitimate contests although most championship and big stakes matches were openly corrupt. The line started to blur more between these two forms after the retirement of catch wrestling legend Frank Gotch in the 1920s. With few big names in the sport, its popularity began to wane. In response to this, three wrestlers, Ed Lewis, Billy Sandow and Toots Mondt, known as the ‘Gold Dust Trio’, formed their own promotion and introduced many more showy elements from carnival wrestling into the professional wrestling world such as tag teams, distracting referees, bouncing off the ropes and of course, more pre-determined results. This is largely seen as the time when wrestling switched from mostly real to mostly ‘worked’.

Eventually this model of carnival style exhibition over legitimate contest spread to other countries like the Mexico, Canada, UK, Germany and Japan. The WWF (formally WWWF, now WWE) did indeed pioneer nationwide TV coverage of a single pro-wrestling product but then they also pioneered story lines involving incest and necrophilia and are by no means the leading lights in the great working class entertainment tradition that is professional wrestling.

It is important also to respect the distinction between the words ‘worked’ and fake. Wrestlers find the term fake offensive when applied to what they do because it implies that being suplexed or fallen on by a 25-stone man somehow doesn’t hurt. The outcome of matches is pre-determined but much of the action cannot be completely faked and performers risk their lives and their careers every time they enter the ring, injuries such as torn muscles, fractured bones, broken necks and shattered pelvises are commonplace. The term worked simply means the opponents are co-operating in creating the best possible story for that particular match and distinguishes it from a ‘shoot’ or legitimate wrestling contest.

The WWF and McMahon family can be said to have had, at best, a mixed effect on the form of entertainment they have popularised and do not require any more credit than they already have.

Thankyou, Mike and Maximilian, for that primer. I have learnt many things from it, primarily the word ‘suplexed’, and never to let Olly do research again for fear of the resultant tide of retribution.

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Put your hands in the air like it’s just not appropriate

November 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 118 **

You remember Episode 115, right? In which we talked about Mexican Waves? Well, Doug from Leicester certainly does:

I remember well (literally) dragged by my then girlfriend to the Royal Albert Hall to see Enrique Iglesias in 2004, and about halfway through he asked us all to get waving, Mexico style. Well, we did, but the Albert Hall isn’t as huge as Wembley, plus it’s got a massive fucking stage in the middle of one wall, so it really was more of a Mexican petering-out as the wave waved round a bit, then stopped stage left, and then started up again stage right in four places at four different times, before we all got bored and sat down again. It was my personal highlight of two interminable hours as 5,000 women of a certain age waited for him to sing ‘Hero’ to sublimate the pain of their own insignificant lives.

So answer me this: what is the most inappropriate or unimpressive place you’ve ever seen a Mexican Wave?

Go on, readers – tell us about all your lacklustre or misbegotten Mexican Waves in a comment on this post. I’ll start: Grandad’s funeral.

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Things not to say on Big Brother

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Lock up Prince Philip, it’s time to continue the latest AMT trend, ‘Is that phrase racist, or just delightfully old-fashioned?’ Carol from Leeds enters the fray:

You guys were wondering if the Chinese had any sort of derogatory phases to referring to the whites. We call you guys ghosts, though I don’t think it’s meant to be that derogatory, it’s just referring to your pale skin? I grew up listening to people around me saying it and never thought it was racist. To be honest I wasn’t even aware that there was any hidden meaning, I thought it was just what we call white people, though maybe I was a racist child and grew up to be an old racist? All my friends are Caucasian, even though I don’t have many friends. Hahaha, it’s funny because it’s true. Hope this helps.

Here’s another expression from which it is probably sensible to refrain, courtesy of Jude from Shipley near Bradford:

I’m just listening to Episode 117 and you mentioned a westernised Chinese person is called a banana. The equivalent to this for black people is a coconut.

I first heard this said by a black colleague about another black colleague.

I want to apologise that I’m continuing your ‘is it racist’ thread.

Don’t blame yourself, Jude. We did ask.

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Ahoy!

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Ed from Leicestershire has kindly written in to help Rick from East Dulwich through the intricacies of cruisewear, as broached in Episode 117:

Please can you tell Rich from East Dulwich that I went on a cruise about 1 month ago, and yes you do normally have to dress up and if you go on some certain cruises you get your picture taken on the first day which you have to look your best and it’s quite a smooth sail because it is soooo big and you have to make the classic excursion trip joke: is it an expensive sleep after being on the booze till half past 2 in the morning

Write that one down, Rick, and pop it in your evening jacket. Although judging by the tale of Megan in Surrey, perhaps you should just stay at home:

I recently got back from a shitty cruise with my shitty parents so just wanted to warn the guy worrying about his dinner suit not to lose any sleep because most people make no effort at all on gala evenings. Anyway, my parents complained about my obscene language when I was asleep in our shared cabin which I found extremely amusing (I woke them up screaming that I was “fucking stuck” in my bed and that I was “bloody scared” etc mega lol!!) so Helen answer me this: why do people talk in their sleep?

It’s probably caused by the stress of being trapped in a floating Butlins with your parents and several hundred retirees who wouldn’t hesitate to trample upon your tender young head in their rush to get to the lifeboats, or to the elevenses buffet.

Cheer up, Rick. Contrary to what our beloved listeners above might say, cruises look super-fun in the movies! Ok, NOT Titanic. Or A Night To Remember. Or Death on the Nile. Or that episode of Columbo where Robert Vaughn murders the lounge singer and tries to pin it on Dean Stockwell. But if you need persuading to don a smart suit and hop aboard, this might help:

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Uncle Ken saw Lisa Stansfield in an airport once…

November 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

More of you have piped up about your famousest ancestors, inspired by Jack from Leeds in Episode 116. James says:

My most famous ancestor is my great auntie Margaret Maughan. She was the first Briton to win a gold medal in the Paralympics at the very first competition in Rome 1960. Her gold medal was in archery and I believe she is a great role to model to future Paralympic athletes and deserves recognition for her achievement. Here is a link in case you don’t believe me. Unfortunately I have never been able to meet her and so have never been able to express my gratitude towards her achievements.

That’s definitely a good one. See if you can top it, Tom from Rutland:

I dug around and found out that:
1. my grandmother’s milkman was Sean Connery;
2. my great-something uncle was Buster Edwards from the great train robbery, he even had a film made about him!!!

Tom has saved the best for last, though:

3. My aunt was in the training team for the mice, horse and ducks in Babe!

Bam! My mum baked the loaves of bread that were featured on the labels of Ruddles beer in the early 1990s, but Tom and James’s familial claims to fame have totally trounced that! But if any of you can outdo them, comment below.

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keeping mum

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford‘s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

This has served me well when offering dry remarks with my trademark deadpan delivery, as I have retained what I call, “the shock factor”. Perhaps once a month someone will turn to me agog at my latest crude/clever (usually crude) remark.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

I was thinking to myself, “Fuck magpies, I’m sick of this saluting them bullshit, they are just birds”. It was the third magpie we passed that instead of saluting, I wound down the window and shouted, “When am I next going to fuck your mum?” The magpie didn’t respond, but later that evening our landlord called and said that we’d have to be out of our house by Christmas because he wanted to sell it.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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go nuts for doughnuts

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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Don’t try this at home. At least not with kids present.

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

In Episode 113 James from Portishead asked for advice about games to play at his daughter’s 7th birthday party. He should NOT play this game suggested by Andy from Swindon:

I used to work at a summer camp for kids and one of the people I was working with brought in a book of kids’ party games. Hidden among the usual favourites was a game called spankity spank. The rules of the game are as follows:

Person 1 sits on a chair.
Person 2 puts their face in person 1’s crotch.
The remainder of the people in the game take turns to spank person 2.
After each spank person 2 has to guess who is spanking them.
If they are right then the previous spanker has to take their place and be spanked and the game carries on.

Needless to say we did not play this one with the kids. We did however play it amongst ourselves once the kids had gone.

PS we kept our clothes on before Olly assumes that this is some kind of readers’ wives confession and the start of an orgy.

I thought this was inappropriate for a child at a party, but Andy from Swindon, you have scooped the win.

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My morning jacket

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:

I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.

1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.

So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?

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sweary child

October 14, 2009

** Click here for Episode 112 **

Oh, the shame of it.

We have caused a little problem for ‘Luxembourg’s Hottest Hausfrau’, Vanessa from Luxembourg from Episode 77, regarding her son Tom from Luxembourg, from whom we also heard in Episode 72:

As you know, my son Tom of Luxembourg fame and his dad listen to your show, however Tom has been swearing quite a lot and I fear you guys may have contributed to this.

I am struggling to find a suitable punishment, other than ban him from listening to your show but then his dad would let him listen anyway so that’s pointless. I could shove a bar of soap in his mouth, squirt washing up liquid down his throat. I have thought of having a swear box and fining him but he has no money.

Can you answer me this: How would you two stop an 11-year-old boy swearing?

Well, evidently we can only cause the opposite effect; so readers, any ideas?

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When stag nights go bad

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Back in Episode 110 we asked you to share your grisly stag or hen night stories, since none of us have been on a particularly rotten one. Nor has Matthew from South Africa, but he sure has heard of a good one:

A close friend of mine, we’ll call him Bob, recently told me the full reason why his uncle wasn’t invited to his stag night.

It turns out that at a stag night many moons ago, Bob’s uncle tied the groom, naked, to a lamp post. A fairly normal and harmless gag in most circumstances.
However, it was the middle of Cape Town’s winter which, although not as cold as England, does mean rather low temperatures.

The combination of copious amounts of alcohol, being unclothed and a freezing wind caused the groom to suffer a heart attack. Bad enough.

However, for some unknown reason, when the ambulance arrived to cart the groom off to hospital, Bob’s uncle thought it would be a great idea to steal the ambulance and drive around town. He awoke the next morning at the wheel of the ambulance, parked many miles away, with his friend lying in the back of the ambulance on a stretcher.

They rushed to hospital and luckily the groom survived the incident, although he spent some time in a coma and the wedding never took place.
I’m unaware of whether or not the uncle faced charges, but I would imagine so!

Um…lordy. Well, if the Prague or Dublin tourist boards ever want to return their town centres to stag-free historical pleasantness, then they should definitely give Bob’s uncle a call…

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Canal boats – THE TRUTH!!!!

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

Following Nick’s detraction of canal boaters in Episode 108, we received the following lively defence from Ian:

As I live on a narrowboat, I felt Nick presented a less than fair picture of the realities of life afloat. It is a jolly and cheap way of living, particularly in the middle of London, and is very good for parties in the summer, and cosy nights by the fire in the winter. I’ve been on my present boat for four years.

The speed limit (sorry to be a boring cunt) is there to prevent damage to the reed beds on the banks, and also boats can be shifted off their moorings if they bounce about on the water (most boats are only held in place by pegs driven into the ground).

Thanks Ian! Although what has a reed bed ever done for you in return, eh? Selfish reedy bastards!

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