Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

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the best joke

June 6, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT259 •••

This question from Margaret in Indiana is the kind that some people spend their whole lives trying to answer*:

I was listening to the lightbulb jokes on last week’s episode, and I had a question:

What is the best joke?

*Not me, though. I am not especially fond of jokes. Therefore I delegate to you, readers, the task of going to the comments and submitting your best joke. The winner gets to be plagiarised by everyone else forever.

Go on, by the end of today I expect the comments section to be like this:

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Deserted Island Discs

June 4, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT259 •••

In last week’s episode we suggested that a desert island, such as the one you’d be stranded on in Desert Island Discs, might be more like this…

Karakum_Desert

…than this:

83310

But Luke disagrees with our interpretation:

Surely the ‘desert’ in desert island is about it being deserted rather than the climate……

You may be right, Luke. However, perhaps they decided not to call the show the more accurate name of Deserted Island Discs to avoid confusion with one of Britain’s more unpleasant deserted islands.

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car poll

May 28, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT258 •••

In AMT257 we learned why in-house polling stations are likely to remain a pipe-dream. But if Mohammed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will come to Mohammed’s house and offer him a lift, according to Leon from Morpeth:

On the subject of corrupt polling stations:

I live in a small village in Northumberland and our local Conservative councillor (of about 20 years now) owns and runs the country house hotel in the village.

On polling day he regularly pays a member of his hotel staff to stand outside the village hall greeting everyone and taking a private register of every eligible voter in the village.

By the late afternoon he will then drive to the house of anyone who hasn’t voted to give them a lift to the polling station to vote for him.

I always thought this was pretty dodgy.

This on its own is not dodgy:

1. As a man heavily invested in the democratic process, the importance of people exercising their right to vote will surely be even more important to him than his own success.*

2. The people he transports can still vote for whom they like once they’ve been driven right into the booth.**

*Which doesn’t seem much in question anyway, if he’s been the election winner for twenty years.
**On the other hand, if he provides them with a homemade ballot paper with just one name on it…

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underneath their clothes, there’s an endless story

May 21, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT257 •••

Thanks to Emma from Perth, Australia we can take an imaginary peek under holy skirts:

In episode 250 you had a conversation about whether the cardinals and the Pope wear any kind of underwear under those elaborate robes. Well, I just had to write in and tell you. I recently went on a Buddhist retreat, and the head abbot, a really funny guy with a great sense of humour named Ajahn Brahm, was asked this very question about Buddhist monks.

The questions were written anonymously on little bits of paper that he read out in front of a crowded hall. Some cheeky person asked him if they wear underpants, and if so, are they a special kind of holy underpants just for monks. Ajahn Brahm replied that the best thing about being a monk in Australia is that no, you don’t have to wear underwear beneath those robes and it’s really cool during the hot weather.

So there you go.

There we go, and there they go, swinging freely in the breeze.

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Artextinction

May 1, 2013

artex-patterns-large

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT254 •••

To solve AMT254 mystery of the continuing existence of Artex, Pete has written in to say:

My dad works for Artex, and I can reveal that one of their biggest sellers is a sort of plaster stuff for covering up horrible Artex.

Makes you wonder if that’s what they had in mind all along.

I can accept that conspiracy theory far easier than I could accept the notion that there are still people out there who actually wish to smear Artex all over their interiors. Of their houses, I mean. What you people do with your own bodies is none of my damn business.

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gaming the grabber

April 25, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT253 •••

Thanks to John, we now all know how to upset the fairground economy by loading up on horrible cuddly toys above the odds:

Last week when you discussed the grabby machine, Olly seemed amazed that the inquisitor’s friend had been successful at the ‘game’.

I would have shared this logical scepticism until on recent trip to Bournemouth I watched amazed as a scruffy-looking older bloke in a grubby mac was playing the machine and winning more or less every other go! He was putting the prizes in a big plastic bag.

After I’d been standing and watching aghast for about fifteen minutes or so, he told me to fuck off, picked up his bag of plushies (as our American cousins call them) and left. I watched him cross the road to a similar arcade, take a key out of his pocket, open the window of the grabby machine and pour all the prizes from his bag into it! A very low cost restocking.

In case you wonder, his technique was to use the initial go to not grab but hook with just one hook causing the teddy or similar fluffy grotesque to roll on top of the stack, then due to its elevated position the grabber could take a firm grip on the next go. His success rate was extremely high!

I have since tried this technique with a modicum of success. I think looking out for recently filled machines is key to the level of success he enjoyed.

That man really has it made. He gets to enjoy all the fun of the grabbing (a questionable amount) and he’s supplying his own business all the while. I don’t know why he’s not wearing a smart business suit, but maybe the grubby mac is his equivalent of Steve Jobs’s perennial t-shirt. He’s so successful, he doesn’t need his clothes to brag about it.

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taking stock

April 24, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT253 •••

Since AMT252, you’ve been telling us about your unpleasant food surprises. Amy in Toronto regrets this light refreshment:

In the summer when I was 8 or 9 I was super thirsty and poured a glass of what I thought was iced tea over some ice cubes. I took a huge long drink (as you do when you are super thirsty) just to realize my mother had put beef stock in the fridge in what she usually made iced tea. My stomach heaved and I gagged, didn’t throw up but felt sick for hours afterward.

To this day, some 40 years late, I feel physically ill and strong revulsion when I think about it. So gross.

Congratulations, Amy; that’s even worse than the paella I made with elderflower cordial instead of chicken stock. You may think that doesn’t sound too bad, but imagine prawns with elderflower, or chorizo with elderflower, or onion with elderflower. If your imagination is at all accurate, it will tell you that that is NOT an agreeable combo.

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Disney career change

April 24, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT253 •••

It’s a double dose of Disney on the site today, with this update from Chesca:

This is a very delayed follow up to episode 238 where I asked for advice on whether I should go work in Disneyworld in Orlando.

After a lengthy waiting process and being wait listed for a few months, I found out in February that I got the job!! I start in August.

Are there any questions you would like me to find out for you while I’m working for The Mouse?

Readers, go to the comments to post your Disney queries for Chesca to address when she embarks upon her spying missionnew career.

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Fraud in the stone

April 24, 2013

The-Sword-in-the-Stone-classic-disney-5014363-768-576

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT253 •••

Herron has written in with eye-witness experience of the Disney sword in the stone experience as speculated upon in AMT253:

As of 2006, it was still being done. My wife & I took our 2 boys, ages 4 and 7 at the time, to Disneyland in California. Merlin (long white beard, purple robe & hat) gathered people around a rock with an anvil on it and a sword handle sticking out of the anvil. He had some burly man try to pull the sword out but (ha ha ha) no go. Then, Merlin called to my older son, Cole, to try. Shazam….he pulls the sword up (though it never came completely out … Merlin’s good, but Disney lawyers are more powerful). There were cheers; burly man looks sheepish; all are happy.

Contrary to what you said, there was no ruling over the Magic Kingdom for the day (just as well, not sure I want to live in a land ruled by a 7-year-old). He got to wear a crown for about 30 seconds. But he did get to take home a special medallion.

Kris has also written in with the inside scoop on this magical weapon-pulling. WARNING: If you don’t want THE MAGIC RUINED, do not continue reading this post. If your eyes are still following these words, we are NOT responsible for the destruction of your dreams. Ok? Kris says:

I’ve worked at Disneyland Paris now for ten years, in the show department, imagineering and I’m even one of the voices on the phone when you call Disney.

I felt I should settle the discussion about the sword in Fantasyland. I’m afraid it really isn’t that exciting and does spoil the magic slightly.

Quite simply there are two swords. The sword that is there during the day is only a partial sword that is bolted to the floor. It has a slit through the blade where the bolt attaches that allows it to move up and down slightly but will never come loose. (You can hear it clinking when you try.)

There is a tiny door themed into the side of the rock which a technician can access the bottom of the blade and release it. I’m afraid no mechanics, no tricker, no clever release.

In the past, when they have done show with merlin the sword is simply changed prior and after the show. Most times in the shows it isn’t even release and just comes further out of the rock.

(Disclaimer, this is only true at Disneyland Paris – the other parks could be very different.)

Sorry to spoil the magic.

I’m crushed, Kris. CRUSHED. But not so crushed that I can’t wonder what an ‘imagineer’ is and how I can become one.

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unpleasant food surprises

April 17, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT252 •••

Last week, we discussed the peculiar wince arising from eating something that tasted completely different to your expectation. Davi from Chicago comments:

In the vein of your discussion in episode 252, I have a story to tell. My first year in college, my friend Big Mike came into our apartment, giddy with excitement because he had just illicitly obtained a handle of cheap whiskey. He left momentarily to go to the bathroom or something — an opportunity my friends and I took to pour his whiskey out into another container and refill the handle with diluted soy sauce, which very convincingly reproduces the color of bad whiskey. When Big Mike came back, we all pretended to be drinking some and encouraged him to do the same. Needless to say, he was not very pleased.

I am very pleased though, Davi – pleased that you didn’t replace the whiskey with piss. I think that’s what we were all expecting from the first couple of sentences of that email, right?

Here’s what Rachel from Sale really was not expecting:

I was at a National Trust car park with my family, sitting in the car and we were just about to leave. My mum then passed me a conker and told me it was a Malteaser. I thanked her and put it into my mouth. Instead of chocolate I tasted soil and spat it on the floor. It was disgusting!! Answer me this: why do parents play tricks like this on their children??

Ahem – because it’s funny, parents, am I right? Until your beloved child chokes to death on a conker.

And shame on Rachel from Sale’s mum for pulling a prank on NATIONAL TRUST SOIL!

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Gut of Thrones

April 16, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT252 •••

AMT252’s special guest Isy Suttie is kinder in spirit than the average casting agent, as demonstrated by Ben:

After listening to last week’s podcast, the point was raised that on casting calls the casting director might not want to hurt your feelings.

However a few years ago I had an audition for the stable boy in the HBO series Game of Thrones. On the casting call it said “small very fat stable boy”.

I didn’t feel that this was written with feeling in mind, especially as this was sent to young teenage boys!

PS I didn’t get the part… I wasn’t fat enough.

That’s what they told you. Maybe they were taking care of your feelings by not saying you were too crap at acting, or the wrong kind of fat. Or that horses bolt at the sight of you. (No offence, Ben; I’m purely speculating.)

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no, not THE Vancouver…

March 5, 2013

vancouvert

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT248 •••

Following our discussion of London, Ontario last week, several of you have piped up about places that have the same name as another place but are not THE place. Says Emma:

I was just so excited that last week you mentioned Vancouver, Washington, and our struggle to differentiate ourselves from Vancouver, BC. I grew up in Vancouver, WA, and we had severe little dog syndrome. There are t-shirts in the local mall that read “Vancouver – NOT BC, Washington – NOT DC.” During the Vancouver winter Olympics we had loads of people trying to book rooms for the games in Vancouver, Washington. Idiots.

Actually, our Vancouver was founded before the one in Canada, but no one cares besides us.

To avoid such confusion, I’ve moved to New York City. Nobody asks which New York City you’re referencing.

Secondly, there ain’t no California Dreaming for Rebecca:

There’s a California in Great Yarmouth. That always used to make my childhood holidays sound more fun than they were.

As does the ‘Great’ in Great Yarmouth.

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